Coming out to parents?

[ToolFan24]

Hello. I am a completely new user. I am currently a Freshmen in college, and would like advice on coming out to my parents. I have zero experience in the gay community and have only recently come out to everyone other than family. I went to a new university with all strangers, so I am 100% open at school. My parents are both catholic, but neither is conservative. They are very loving and supportive of me. I have been posting things online about my outrage over the suicides due to harassment and my mother seems supportive of the cause. I also told her I joined the lgbt equity office at my university and she said she supported it. I am confindent, however, that she does not know I am gay. My father knows nothing either. They both make nonchalant comments about me meeting women and having children. I'm terrified of telling them, but have huge urge to do so. I cannot help but feel guilty about not telling them, because in a way it feels like I am lying to them. I am not entirely financially dependent upon them, and have a strong friend group of support. There is also a good deal of turmoil involving a cibling arrest at the moment. Opinions on how/when to do this and how they may react?

 

[andy12]

They are very loving and supportive of me.

I have been posting things online about my outrage over the suicides due to harassment and my mother seems supportive of the cause.

I also told her I joined the lgbt equity office at my university and she said she supported it.

I am confindent, however, that she does not know I am gay.

I'm confident she knows.

There is also a good deal of turmoil involving a cibling arrest at the moment. Opinions on how/when to do this and how they may react?

Probably when that cools down, although if you told your mother you joined some LGBT org, she already knows.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's always difficult to guess how parents will react. The issue is that no matter how old you get, you will always be your parent's child. They've had a lot of years to think about you growing up, getting married, starting a family... With even the most liberal of parents, the visions of the future probably didn't include a same-sex relationship. It takes a while for parents to adjust.

Most gay people just do the "I have something to tell you" thing. Everyone sits down, usually at home when there's no one else around. You spill the secret. Everyone says what they need to say. Everyone cries if they need to. You give your parents lots of chances to ask questions and you answer them honestly. Then you give them some time to process it all and then either it's a bit weird for a while or things just settle back into a new version of "normal" again.

Sometimes if there's an important related event, it provides an opportunity to come out. For example, if you have a serious boyfriend or if you want your parents to get to know your friends who are gay, it's a chance to come out and also let your family be a part of your "other life" at the same time. And if you're becoming more active in LGBT activies, that provides a chance for you to come out and get your parents involved (we need more parents who are openly supportive of LGBT causes).

You know your parents. From what you've indicated, they will probably have some adjustments to make but in the end, they will accept you and love you the way that you are. And for these kinds of parents, coming out brings everyone closer and allows them to be a part of your life as you make friends, date, fall in love, get heart-broken and then have long-term relationships- just like they do with the rest of their (straight) children.

 

[Corny]

Did you have any past relationships with girls?
She might know or she might not know. But you did a good job already with talking about the general issue with her. It's still a different thing of course if the own kid "suddenly" is gay, but it seems they do have their head in the right place.
Do you have a sister or brother? Or somebody else that you are close to in your family ? Aunt/Uncle for example can work good too since they are usually close with your parents. Maybe you can come out to him/her first if that is easier - and then you would have some additional support AND you parents already have someone to whom they can talk about it.
If you don't see any of this being an option, you still might want to have a look at PFLAG - Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They do offer a lot of resources and there are a lot of local groups.

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

My parents always "knew" but didn't want to "know about it."

When they could no longer deny it, there was - I'll be honest - a period of adjustment. With them in the closet about having a gay son, it made it easier if that son was also in the closet.

when i came out... the road got a bit bumpy.

I'd suggest that the best action would be to come out and immediately get them involved in a PFLAG group where they themselves can have a few role models in parents who have adjusted to being out about having gay kids.

My parents are now VERY strong advocates of LGBT issues and they march in pride parades and have been mentors to a lot of gay students at the university they taught at. I'd never thought it would be possible but parents really do want to do the right thing for their kids... your job is to show them what that is.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

My parents are Catholic, and they took it extremely well. Not that that's any indication of what other Catholic parents will do, but just know that it isn't necessarily an obstacle. I'd say you've laid the groundwork, and I'm betting they'll take it OK. If you'd rather not have a big "announcement", you can simply use another tactic - act like they already know. So you might say something like "I was hoping to start dating by now, but the Freshmen classes and everything take up so much of my time, I don't even have time to think about a boyfriend. Maybe I'll run into somebody at the LGBTQ center, though."

Lex

 

[backpacker]

Congratulations on being out to your friends and being open at school.

Much like Jasun's parents, a lot of parents "know", but don't "want to know". Other parents don't know how to bring the subject up. Sometimes asking about girlfriends is their way of bringing the subject up. I suspect your parents could fall into one of these two categories. Even if it's not the case, they sound like very loving and supportive parents. Nothing in your posted gives me the impression that they are going to react badly. Parents often go through stages of acceptance, which includes a grieving of sorts for the life they envisioned for you. They may need some time to adjust. That doesn't mean they love you any less and won't be supportive.

I do believe that parents are going to be open minded given all the media attention about Tyler's suicide. The vast majority of parents would rather have a gay son than a dead son. Those who wouldn't are poor excuses for human beings. I think this tragedy is going to be the catalyst for many guys coming out of the closet.

I wish you all the best. Please let us know how things go with your parents.

 

[ToolFan24]

I would like to thank everyone for the support. This is by far THE best resource I have found online for any question relating to lgbt issues. In response to some statements, my blood cibing(older brother) knows and is 100% supportive. My step family, however, does not. My cousin(and best friend) knows, I came out to him first. I spoke to my aunt not long ago and she was unbelievably supportive. The reason I believe my parents do not know is that I have never given them reason to suspect. Every person i have come out to said they never would have guessed in a million years.my mother thinks I joined the organization purely out of support, not for involvement. She also thinks I'm in love with a good female friend of mine and asks awkward questions about us. I believe my father does not know because he is highly emotional with issues in life. He confronts me on anything he may see as a problem in my life. I am sure he would have approached or communicated long ago if suspected. Also, opinions on timing? Should I wait for a relationship before opening up?

Also,they both live in relatively small town rural areas, far from any lgbt resource center.

 

[hotatlboi]

Based on everything you have said, I would suspect they would have no problem with it.

If they were very homophobic, then they probably would have had an issue with you joining any kind of gay group.

 

[backpacker]

The fact the everyone you have come out to in your family has been supportive is a very good sign. Even if they don't suspect, I still get the feeling they will be supportive. Just remember, this may take them totally by surprise and their initial reaction may be more of shock than support. If that happens, give them a little time to digest everything. Good luck!

 

[G-Lexington]

All signs point to go. Given that, I'd go ahead and come out whenever you feel ready. Just don't wait for that "perfect moment" to do it - it never arrives.

Lex

 

[altlover85]

Should I wait for a relationship before opening up?

I would not wait that long. You're more desirable when you are out of the closet and it will make the relationship move more smoothly.

As far as being far from resources, I would assume you could just print out some online resources to give your parents if they have any questions.

 

[barnbuddy]

Like other said above, you've laid the ground work and it sounds like they will be supportive. And since others in your family know, it's better coming from you rather than a third party. I made that mistake - I told my cousin, who freaked a bit and told his Mom who later said something to her sister, my Mom. That made it a bigger deal than it should have been.

Good luck

 

[ToolFan24]

I think I am going to do it this weekend. This is nerve racking. Thanks for all of the great advice, I appreciate it.

 

[altlover85]

Good luck ToolFan24!

 

[G-Lexington]

I won't wish you luck, because I don't think you'll need it. Instead, I'll wish you confidence.

Lex

 

[interesting]

Best of luck!!!

 

[ToolFan24]

Told my mom this evening. She immediately said, "okay, did you think this would matter? I love you, you're my son." She was smiling and laughing about it within 30 minutes. She literally has no problem. Can't build the courage, however, to tell my father.

 

[tipmyscales86]

Congrats! My mom said something very similar when I told her.

If it helps at all, I'll share my coming out story to my dad. I actually told my father before my mother. It just came out of nowhere one day. A few years ago, when I was living with him, he and my stepmom started charging me rent to live there after I dropped out of school. I resented that and started coming home at all hours of the night. At one point after not coming home for a week, my dad called me and asked when I would be moving my stuff out. So I moved out, and it just created more distance between me and my dad. Last summer, about two weeks after I just came out to my best friend, I went over to see my dad to get money for school (yes I went back), and we got into an argument about my behavior prior to moving out. He said things like, "we were considering just cutting our family ties from you." As the conversation escalated I just said, "Look, I need to tell you something that's been bothering me a long time. I'm gay." I had no plans of telling him that day, it was completely spontaneous, but with the way the convo was going, I found an opportunity to just drop the gay-bomb once and for all. My dad reacted surprisingly well to it, and we've been able to have a closer relationship ever since. I love my dad, after years of being afraid of him. I ended up killing two birds with one stone and told my mother later that day.

 

[G-Lexington]

Congratulations! Since your mother is squarely in your camp, maybe you should talk to her about how to approach your father.

Lex