Coming out to the wrong person

[G-Lexington]

Don't feel stupid. I remember when I was looking to come out, I was looking for pretty much any opportunity to tell ANYBODY. If anyone gave me any sort of opening, I would've jumped on it. Luckily, most of the people in my life were open-minded sorts, and so it didn't really matter in my case. The person you talked to might not have been ideal, and she obviously could've handled it better, but then again, she could've handled it worse. Chalk it up to experience, and look for someone better to come out to. She may want to talk to you about it again later, so you might want to prepare for that.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[I Just Wanna Be]

OK, so I live in a very conservative suburb, and go to a Christian über-con high school in Australia. Today talking to a female friend of mine on the phone, for stupid reasons I decided to come out to her. It's not like we're heaps close, but she's really nice and generally understanding, but she's also a very right-wing in her beliefs.

Essentially, the conversation went like this, after me prompting her to ask me about 'deep issues'
Me: If I tell you, it will change your perception of me
Her: No it won't, nothing will unless you tell me that you like men (laughs)
Me: (Stupidly ignoring the warning bell) And... if it was
Her: Well, I don't know how I would react (Still not getting it)
Me: Well, I am
Her: No you're not

And I couldn't really convince her that I am. She thinks I am just confused, which I am, but then she pulled out "It's not natural" and "God didn't make Adam and Steve..."

Anyway, I don't think she will tell anyone, which I really don't want - after all, what if it is just a phase? But I am really regretting telling her. Thanks for listening, I just feel really stupid now

It's most likely not a phase, so pleeeease dont let this experience turn you off of coming out to people in the future! For every small minded person in our lives, there are a dozen that will accept us with open arms. Not only do we need those people around us, but they deserve to know the real us! Im so happy for you in taking that first step, and I hope it's just the first of many!
As for your friend, I find that most people who react badly, do so because they've had no contact with us and our community and so they believe stereotypes and expect the worst. Of all the people in your life you'll eventually come out to, make the most effort with her! She might just surprise you and come around! I hope for the best sweety!!

 

[luminum]

Then she's an idiot. You deserved better friends, even ones who can find better things to say than hackneyed bullshit quips from their Christian hive-mind.

One of my friends found out and didn't believe that I was gay, just confused. In the end, she was the one with egg on her face. Same with you. Don't feel stupid. She's the one who looks stupid, IMO.

 

[screwnutty]

Then she's an idiot. You deserved better friends, even ones who can find better things to say than hackneyed bullshit quips from their Christian hive-mind.

One of my friends found out and didn't believe that I was gay, just confused. In the end, she was the one with egg on her face. Same with you. Don't feel stupid. She's the one who looks stupid, IMO.

Gotta Agree with Luminum here!!

Don't go telling yourself it's just a "phase" cause it hardly ever is. Only you know for sure but you'll need time to discover yourself. Besides when your ready to tell people, you should expect the worse (even though most of the time there really supportive and caring for you) 9 times out of 10 most of them won't care....but your always get that one. Also she is and idiot. When she said the adam and steve thingy, I would have slapped her. But then again she's either going to see the error of her ways or become yet another zombie in the religious movement to have us wiped off the face of the planet. Best thing you can do is forget about her! Good luck to you!!

 

[tonyboy]

OK, so I live in a very conservative suburb, and go to a Christian über-con high school in Australia. Today talking to a female friend of mine on the phone, for stupid reasons I decided to come out to her. It's not like we're heaps close, but she's really nice and generally understanding, but she's also a very right-wing in her beliefs.

Essentially, the conversation went like this, after me prompting her to ask me about 'deep issues'
Me: If I tell you, it will change your perception of me
Her: No it won't, nothing will unless you tell me that you like men (laughs)
Me: (Stupidly ignoring the warning bell) And... if it was
Her: Well, I don't know how I would react (Still not getting it)
Me: Well, I am
Her: No you're not

And I couldn't really convince her that I am. She thinks I am just confused, which I am, but then she pulled out "It's not natural" and "God didn't make Adam and Steve..."

Anyway, I don't think she will tell anyone, which I really don't want - after all, what if it is just a phase? But I am really regretting telling her. Thanks for listening, I just feel really stupid now

No man.... don't scold yourself over this. You needed to tell someone and you didn't have any way of knowing how she would react. But who knows it could end up that she was the right person.
You needed to say what you did. And the rest is in the hands of your friend. And if she is the friend you think she is (and I expect your judgement was correct) all will be alright.
You deserve a great deal of credit I thinik.
No need to try and convince here you are who you said you were. Just let it all play out. Be who you are and don't try to explain yourself or backtrack.
You most likely took her by surprise... fact is she probably figured you to be a future b/f. I say that since you seem to be very close.
I'ts not a phase you are going through man....
I wish you well.

 

[sibersan]

doesnt sound like a good friend to begin with.

Before i come out to a person, i try to figure out how they feel about gay people, i would bring up a subject about gay people and watch how they react.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Coming out is tough enough, but when you pick the wrong confidant it can be terrible.
She has probably been subjected to Christian brainwashing her entire life and she's young and doesn't have that much mature life experience (that remark about Adam & Steve is such a worn out cliche).
You were courageous to try to share your feelings, don't be discouraged because of this first time rejection.
There are many understanding people in the world, just give a lot more thought about the general attitude and behavior of the next person before you share your innermost feelings.
Good luck and hang in there.

 

[BlueStreaker]

When I first started telling people I was bi I was afraid they would start avoiding me or something. I started with one of my friends (who happened to be gay, and as far as I knew he didn't have a problem with bis) and it went well. I didn't tell anyone else for a few months and even then it was one other person. Then a couple weeks later I ended up getting drunk and got comfortable enough to tell the people I was drinking with. They were mostly my current roommates (we live in a suite so there's more than one) and they have all treated me just the same... though now we joke about different sex stuff than we would have while I was "straight" of course. And yes, we do joke about it often.

Anyway, I've gotten lucky. I haven't yet told anyone that has acted negatively toward me. Sometimes you just find one of the people who have a problem with it and sometimes that's the first person you tell, but when you have a feeling someone will be comfortable with it they generally will be.

 

[bayern20]

I'll say a few things.

1)

I dont care what people say, but there are CERTAIN people, you should not tell.

Its kind of like during Nazi Germany. If you were a Jew at that time, would you go up to a Nazi and tell them you are Jewish? You would die. Not exactly a smart thing.

At the same time, coming out, being yourself, is a very important part of getting on in life. So, if you found yourself not being able to tell someone, distance yourself from them so you can live your life. And then maybe later you can tell them when you are in a situation to do so.

2)

To decide if to tell someone, you have to consider the type of person they are. Are they generally very nice, kind people, who constantly help others? Are they generally accepting of things? Can they communicate well? You dont want to tell people that are not nice, that dont seem genuinely loving people..and you dont want to tell people who dont know how to communicate their feelings. Because those types of people will only cuss you out and then not know how to deal with it.

3)

If a person is religious, conservative, traditional, or whatever, that does not matter. But they have to somehow meet the criteria of number 2. I dont believe religious people dont accept this. (not even accept, but able to live with anyways) I believe it is the naturally nasty and ones who cant communicate that are not accepting.

 

[kevbo]

Don't feel stupid. Still tell people. Think of this as a way to weed out the pieces of shit who say they're your friends that actually don't care about you. Stick to the ones that do.

 

[maxpowr9]

Religious beliefs aside, I have several religious friends and all of them know Im gay. Sure they consider it immoral but they still respect me as a person. Not all Christians are crazy.

 

[thermodynamics]

Yep. You're going through a phase. The 'phase' known as straight life. Now you're starting the rest of your life as a gay man.

I'm a fairly devout Christian (highly liberal), and the rest of these "Christians" completely confound me.

Don't let this bad experience keep you from coming out to more people.

 

[spreadeagle]

Possible response - 'He may not have made Adam and Steve, however he did make David and Jonathon'.

 

[backpacker]

Please don't feel stupid and don't doubt yourself. You know that you are attracted to guys and it's not a choice that you made. God did make Adam and Steve and a whole lot of other gay guys. Maybe he made Adam and Eve first, but he certainly did make guys gay. Don't worry too much about your friends reaction. If she is really your friend, then it won't make a difference. If she can't accept it, you are better off without her. When people start trying to talk you out of being gay, turn the tables on them and use the same logic to ask how they know they are straight.