Coming out to Ultra-conservative family

[jthomas2]

Hey guys,
I'm a long time reader but first time poster here. Just hoping that I can get some advice on how and when to come out to my parents.

I'll try to be as brief as possible but just a few notes:
-I'm 20 and have an amazing BF of over a year.
-I'm currently in college and have 3 years left.
-My parent's are very religious and bash gays every chance they get.
-I don't live with them but they pay for my school and housing.
-When I come home for the summer I live with them and work at the family business.

I want to come out, it's just I'm afraid of being cut-off and having no contact when they find out because normally we are very close and talk all the time. The financial support isn't the issue because I am the type that is used to working 80 hour weeks and will do whatever it takes to support myself if they are unwilling. I guess my question is, as I ramble on, is how and when to bring it up. They can't seem to put together the clues that I have never had a GF and they even keep asking about grandkids I guess I almost wish they would ask me and I would say, "Yes, I'm gay". I know that won't happen but I'm looking for any insight into coming out to very conservative parents (mormon if that matters) and any advice you might have.

Thanks.

 

[thongboi]

Families often don't ever 'know.' my family never really suspected it at all, not even my mother who had many gay friends. Now THEY knew, but my family didn't. It was weird but you know, My father (who is very conservative) talks about stuff with me now, a few years after coming out. Never did he stop supporting me or loving me, we just didn't talk about it.

I would seriously think about, if I was in your situation that you might want to wait until you're finished (or nearly finished) with school to come out if you're really worried about them disowning you or something like that.

 

[jthomas2]

Thanks thongboi,
I can somewhat relate because I have been out to a lot of my friends since I was 18. I totally get your concerns about coming out now and I wonder about them a lot too...It's just so hard to live a "double life" so to speak. It's just tiring to always be putting on a false act around the family and only being able to be myself around my friends.

 

[bankside]

I know the kind of freedom you are looking for, as I am currently enjoying that freedom myself.

However, when your family have behaved the way they have, insulting and demeaning gay people, they have opened a gulf between you, and it is not your job to bridge that gap on your own. The fact that you are even willing to try to help them overcome their own ignorance and poor behaviour is a precious gift you are giving them. You do not owe it to them. However it is a sign of good character that you would be willing to try.

Where I'm going with all this is that you don't owe it to them and you don't have to come out to them right away. If they have made such foul remarks in the past, you do not need to correct them at the expense of your education or your financial security. In the face of intolerance, your first responsibility is to secure your own future. When that path is settled, maybe this year, maybe in a year or two, then you can give them the gift of getting to know you better.

The situation will be improved as much as possible if they are not tempted to use financial means to control you while you are still in school.

 

[hotatlboi]

I was in the same situation and chose to wait until I was done with school and financially independent.

I'm there now and feel like i can come out now without any pressure.

But, the situation may be different for you if as you say the financial situation isn't an issue. If they cut you off and you can still make it on your own then you really have nothing to lose. But I would be sure about that before I did it.

 

[Fuzzy1]

I came out to a conservative religious family, Mennonite, my sister is Mormon, they accepted me and my partner, My partner of 16 years is Muslim and we are out to my family but not really to his although I am invited to all their family functons, its more a case of don't ask don't tell with them.

 

[Seasoned]

I have very mixed feelings about this. Sure, it's great having financial support, but at what cost? Having to lie, swallow insults, keeping your boyfriend a secret, and wondering if you are truely loved is quite the price to pay.

You have social, emotional, spiritual, financial and other needs. You need your friends and boyfriend to help sort things out. Good luck to you with this issue, with school and with your boy friend. Welcome to this forum.

 

[Nomenclature]

Hey guys,
I'm a long time reader but first time poster here. Just hoping that I can get some advice on how and when to come out to my parents.

I'll try to be as brief as possible but just a few notes:
-I'm 20 and have an amazing BF of over a year.
-I'm currently in college and have 3 years left.
-My parent's are very religious and bash gays every chance they get.
-I don't live with them but they pay for my school and housing.
-When I come home for the summer I live with them and work at the family business.

I suggest that you wait it out, graduate and move away on your own before you come out. Coming out will always be a tough process for you, but now is definitely NOT the right time to do it.

 

[jthomas2]

Thanks everyone for such helpful and quick responses!

Soreknees, it's almost as if you tapped into my head...Having to come home every summer and have the channel changed anytime something even remotely referencing gay behavior on a sitcom on abc is annoying. The anti-gay comments are the worst as I pretend they don't bother me in person, but behind closed doors I often cry myself to sleep and wonder why the people I love so much can be so hateful.

Even while away at school I drink myself to sleep every night and I think I have just reached the point where I have to almost come out. I cant' take it anymore and if that means I don't go to college and work at Wal-Mart I really don't care. It's just too hard to keep up these false pretenses 24/7.

 

[hotatlboi]

I cant' take it anymore and if that means I don't go to college and work at Wal-Mart I really don't care. It's just too hard to keep up these false pretenses 24/7.

I highly suggest you rethink this.

If there is a chance you will not finish college, you should wait to come out until you are working and independent.

If it's too hard coming home to your family, maybe try to take summer school or work out a living arrangement with some roommates or your boyfriend away from home.

You don't want to fuck up your life and future happiness, as sucky as the current situation is.

 

[Deandbn]

Hi JT2

I think i would take an entirely different approach. I would not come out directly until it suited me, like after you had finished college etc.

The first presumption i would make is that your parents already know a lot more about their sonny boys sexual preferences than they are actually admitting to.

They probably dont know how to discourage you from this evil (from their perspective) than to be negative about it.

What you could/should do, is next time they have something negative to say about gay people, is for you to pick up on the subject and say something like:

Gee, are they (gay people) really that bad, I think I should go find out a bit more about how bad they really are.

Then of course you start the deluge of gay related material:

1. You go buy a gay magazine or two and read up all about them and leave them lying around of course.

2. Go to a lot of gay sites on the internet (not porn), look for philanthropic type activities and go tell your parents at dinner (or whenever there are quite a few people around (just so they cant squirm too much)) all about what good work you have found that gay people do.

3. Invite your boyfriend around, tell your parents that he is your best friend. If they ask if he is your boyfriend, tell them you dont think so, and ask them to explain what they mean when they say boyfriend, and if they start telling you, then say oh no were just good friends but you suppose they could call him your boyfriend if they chose to.

4. Start investigating other religions, leave material lying around. If they ask, say you are just finding out about how other people live.

5. Tell them (in a social situation (bring up the subject)) that as you get older how important you find it to become more educated and understand how religion and sexuality works in the wider scheme of things.

6. If they ask if you are gay, tell them you havent quite decided yet, you are still determining how you feel about all the stuff (knowledge) you have discovered in terms of religion and sexuality.

 

[Fuzzy1]

In your situation I'd probably stay in the closet until after I graduated if the family is helping you pay for college. Mormans are officially very much more anti gay than the general population, because being gay puts a real "wrench" in their celestial marriage scenario. Have you seen Latterdays, Angels in America, ( these are both gay related LDS related movies); read comments by Orson Scott Card re Gays, Its scarry. I came out to my parents at about 16 but I knew my parents, you know your parents, and need to determine the risk of comming out accordingly.

 

[Hot White Trash]

If your mom loves you - and she does - you go to her and tell her what you said here - that you don't want to live a lie and you drink yourself to sleep sometimes. Only a beast could reject her child in that situation.

 

[notmyself]

I came out to my family when I was 19 and going to a very conservative Christian university, which was their choice for me to attend. Luckily, I had a partner who could support me financially and emotionally as I went through the process.

When I came out my mom accused me of having AIDS, because all gays apparently are promiscuous and have AIDs. She also told me I was going to burn in hell. My dad just refused to speak to me. My grandmother (who is Mennonite) suddenly cut off any and all financial support, and to this day still is really uncomfortable around me.

I've been with my partner for seven years now. Luckily, my parents finally came around and realized that I was still the same person I had always been I was just telling the truth and not continuing the double-life I had been living for years.

My situation was unique. I had a partner who could support me, and I also had to come out. I was having major health issues caused by the stress of living in the closet. I would think seriously before coming out, but I believe that you know what is best for you and you have to follow your instincts. Hopefully, in time your parents will realize that you are still the same son they've always known and that you are to important to shun just because of your sexuality.

Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make.

 

[backpacker]

Even while away at school I drink myself to sleep every night and I think I have just reached the point where I have to almost come out. I cant' take it anymore and if that means I don't go to college and work at Wal-Mart I really don't care. It's just too hard to keep up these false pretenses 24/7.

Drinking yourself to sleep every night is not healthy. Additionally the pressure is taking a toll on you emotionally. Each person's situation is different and it's hard to give advice. We don't know your parents.

From what you wrote, there seems to be a good chance that your parents will react poorly. Sometimes parents surprise there kids with a complete change of attitude when they find out their kid is gay, but I wouldn't count on that. My guess is that your parents first reaction will be to try to get the demons out of you. The will apply intense pressure to get you to denounce homosexuality and date a woman. I'm glad that you added the part about being Mormon, because the church's views on gays are very strong. If you can't be cured, the church will probably ex-communicate you. At that point, they may even pressure your family to cut off contact with you.

Obviously something has to change. You can't continue living like this. You either need to find a way to cope better with being in the closet or come out. You seem to be leaning toward coming out and I don't want to push you in either direction. You have put a lot of thought into it and only you know what's best for you. I will say this, summer break is almost over and soon you will be back at school. If you decide to stay in the closet, there may be some options that you haven't considered, such as attending school year round instead of going home for the summer? What about challenging your parents every time they bash gays? Tell them that you believe God made some people gay and who are they to question God's work. Tell them that you have friends who are gay and they are great people.

Is your boyfriend in a similar situation to yours or is he already out? It's great that you have somebody that can be there for you no matter what. If you have reached the conclusion that you would rather be cutoff than continue to live in the closet, then it might be better for you to come. Just be sure that you have given a lot of thought to how your life may change. If you haven't already, take a few weeks to think it over. Discuss all the pros and cons with your boyfriend and other friends. If you aren't already out to your friends, you may want to start there before your parents. You will need a good support system should your parents react poorly.

 

[joeycb]

When I was 14 and my parents (Dad a pastor) found out....I was put into counceling and had to pretend to be "fixed". Two years later they found out again and broke up my first relationship. However I do think it would be easyer now that your 20, they cant really do anything hah. But i hope u have wounderfull parents who wouldnt care! I guess I ddnt give much advice but there u go hah