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Coming out to unpredictable parents

A

Araigu

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LONG POST, SORRY

So, I've gathered enough courage to come out to my parents, and I'll do it tomorrow. (Yes, I still live with them, ALMOST done with schooling). Long story short, I'm 23 years old, almost done with university, I'm one semester away from graduation (and I attend the National University, so I don't have to pay tuition fees). I don't have a job (I have two or three weeks left of Social Service, which is a six-month no-pay job, compulsory for graduating and very educational) but I do have savings that can last for a couple of months. So... while I'm financially dependent, I can easily leave my parents' home and live with some friends if things go awry.

But, money aside... I've avoided this moment because I'm unsure of their reaction, actually I am scared. My dad has a tendency to be absent and passive aggressive (today he hates his gay co-workers, tomorrow he notices they're actually good people), but he's always been caring, in his own way. However, my mother lives in utter denial and in sheer terror of me coming out of the closet, she's even threatened me to not doing so (Old, awful, long tale: My psycho ex phoned her and outed me, knowing it would cause lots of trouble, and it did, but it all ended up in denial from both sides :/ ).
I had a hard time as a teenager, went through severe depression, lost many friends and so on. I was trapped in a dark place and thought that my parents held me inside. I've let those things control me, living in fear of being found out, unable to truly love someone and having to hide all "evidence" of my true self. I've come to a point where I feel that even if my parents react badly, and disown me and say horrible things (which is quite possible, yet may be unlikely) it is me who must be at peace. And I've decided to embrace the future, come what may. I know I must be patient, and extra-caring with them, it will take some time for them to adapt and for some wounds to heal. I know that, yet still...
I'm nervous and afraid, I can't know for sure how things will go. I have prepared myself for the worst, money, a couch to crash, etc, but I feel this might crush what's left of our family ties for good and I certainly don't wanna lose my parents over this.

I just needed to vent, and I have faith that it actually does get better, even when it might look somber. I just need to ask for some words of valour from you, to feel that someone understands where I'm standing. Please, do share your words of wisdom, for me and for those many others in a similar situation.

Thank you very much, guys. I've been at this forum just asking for help, I might as well try to help others next time.

Love, Araigu
 
Simply "Fake" it.

Come out to them, and see what happens. If they dont accept it, just lie and say you were joking.
If they are accepting, just go along with it. Thats what i always tell people.
 
I don't think that coming out only to say just kidding if they take it bad is good advice. If you feel that you are ready to tell them and you are willing to live with the outcome whatever it may be, then you should do it. Don't let anyone sway you one way or the other.

If you are set on coming out then I wish you luck. I hope that you have the courage to do this and to stay true to yourself. I hope that your parents take it well. Good Luck.
 
Why should it be their problem? It´s your damn life and even if they are your parents, they can´t force you to love someone else. You could not say anything yet, until you have your place, your money and your life more or less solved. Hell, you don´t need to tell them after that, neither, unless you feel the need of their acceptance. If so, you can also talk one at a time with them, the first one being whoever is more comfortable with you being gay. If you think they will love you, no matter what, then they will. And if things turn ugly, even for some time, you won´t depend on them financially.

I was thinking of telling my parents too, some time ago, but in the end I thought that if they don´t make a big deal out of it, why should I? They already knew, I´m sure of it, even more now that I live with a guy (age closer to my parents than me heh).
 
I can truly relate to what you are going through , which has been posted in another Thread . I knew what my parents reaction would be , and they truly did not disappoint .


I personaly choose MY happiness and love , over bigotry and hate , and as i have said before , yes , it was fucking awful , BUT , for me i made the RIGHT choice , and , i have never regretted my choice .
I wish you all my wishes and i hope it goes as well as you hope.........................(*8*)
 
I know it’s a cliché, but you should do whatever makes you happy, and not what makes your parents happy. By the sound of things, your parents seem quite content to go on living in a state of denial with regards to your sexuality, and if given the opportunity, they will probably continue doing so for the rest of their lives; but in the meantime you have a life of your own to live and you have every right to be happy and love whoever you want to. They will either accept you for who you are, or they won’t, but ultimately they have to decide whether they want to lose their son or not, and if their love for you is unconditional, then they will learn to embrace your sexuality.
 
hi Araigu,

Thanks for your posting and good to hear you have decided to tell your parents that you are gay. So I would like to wish you good luck, and I hope all goes well. I fully underline the ideas of others that its right now the time to tell them the truth and to start with a life without lies. So its great and its good you will take this step.

Please keep us informed about the outcome. For sure, there are many people over here who are able to help you in case your parents react in a real bad way.

Good luck and take care.
 
Secrets can make us sick; they certainly rob us of mental clarity and focus. Coming out will allow you the mental clarity to begin what I hope will be a successful next stage of your life once you graduate.

You'll be coming out for yourself and if your parents retreat into denial that will be their issue. If you don't receive instant encouragement and support try not to be discouraged. Most parents would rather keep the children they have. You don't mention siblings or extended family. If things don't go well with your parents, I hope you have other family to look to for support.

People that come out need to remember that all they are doing is sharing their sexual orientation with other people. It's an unchangeable quality as much as height or eye color. When faced with a negative reaction we all need to remember we have a gay family to turn to and hopefully understanding straight friends and other family members who know that sexual orientation is just that.

My one life's lament is that no matter how accepting society becomes gay people will always have to face the coming out issue.

Best wishes to you and remember their initial reaction, if negative, isn't the final word on the subject.
 
Thank you all for your kind words. I will surely update this post when I know the outcome. I'm still hoping for the best.
I tried the lying, not-your-business, approach, but it didn't work well, it was making me unhappy. Thus, I want to get on with my life, being true not only to them, but myself.
And about family, I'm an only child, so no siblings to run to. However, a close cousin is aware of this, I asked her to be in touch with my dad, since we're about the only ones around (she lives in TX). About my mom, her family is quite conservative in this accord, and I really wouldn't turn to them for help. But I know that my family of choice, my friends, is supporting me, they've all got my back in case things go wrong. So I'll just wait for my parents to get here later on.

Thanks a lot, I'll keep you posted.

Love, Araigu
 
You're a good guy. Good luck!
 
Emphasize that you did not choose to be gay and cannot choose not to be gay.
 
UPDATE!

So, I've talked to them. Things went better than I could have expected with my dad but with my mum it's another story. My dad was REALLY supportive and told me he loves no matter what, even though he's having a hard time understanding or accepting this. He did say that he doesn't know what I've gone through or what it may be like for me right now. I told him that for me right now things are good, but when I was younger they were tough (*teary eyes and broken voice). Not much more was said, I just knew he had my back.
My mother, on the other hand, started crying a lot. She said she can't deal with this, she is overwhelmed and trying desperately to goback to denial, but obviously she can't. Now I know something, it wasn't hate what drove her mean behavior, it was utter fear. Now she's hurt and refuses to talk to me. She firmly believes it's a choice that I have made and won't accept that it is NOT (but saying that I've known I'm gay ever since I was a kid and not being able to choose TRULY helped my dad come to terms with it).
So, I'm no longer scared. I know I won't be disowned and my dad will always be there for me. I know things will get TOUGH with my mom, but I already know her pattern: silent treatment, scorn, crying, threats, open verbal aggression, crying and then either denial or acceptance. She's been like that ALL my life, so by now I know her ways. But now there is a difference: I don't feel guilty anymore because I understand I'm not hurting her, she's doing it to herself and needs time to adapt.
Bottom line: I will try to be extra patient, extra caring and extra understanding. They need time and I will try to back up and let them vent their feelings. Today I feel like I'm complete and I know I can handle it, as hard as it can be. I will try to stay positive and live my life to the fullest.

Thank you all and wait for my cries for help or my rants in the future, because this journey surely seems long and rocky.

Love,
Araigu
 
Thanks for the update. I'm so happy you're relieved. Your parents have a great son. Your dad may be able to help with your mom. All the best!
 
All i can do is echo the words of Seasoned , your last post had me smiling , you may not feel like it just now , but you have just done something which may well be the most scary thing you will ever have to do .

The big plus is your dad , as you say he has your back , your mom comes across as a rather controling type , sorry i do not mean to sound "mean" , but , again as you have said you know your moms ways and i think that now you have come to realise that YOU have done no wrong , and it is not YOU causing your moms behaviour that is all her .
Thanks for the update , again i wish you all the best.............(*8*)
 
Hey I hope all is well, I recently came out too, they took it well. Give your mother time, even if she doesn't like the fact that you are gay you'd be surprised how many mothers will just ignore the fact that they are gay just to continue to have their children in their lives. Give her time. Just keep talking to her about it after a while it will get through that this isn't a choice. I had to explain that to my dad. I told him "why would I choose a life where automatically some people will hate you, I wouldn't choose a life of discrimination and hardship. In order to do a lot of things gay guys have to jump through hoops, like marriage, adoption, sometimes even jobs" after a while it sunk in and we are in a much better place.
 
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