Coming Out Troubles

[hollisterboi07]

Hello.

I've found myself in a difficult situation regarding coming out. I'm really unsure about what to do and any advice or help is appreciated. I really apologize for the length of this post but it took a while to tell everything.

A few months ago, my two best friends (who are female) confronted me about my sexuality. They said they'd been suspicious for a very long time, which I figured, but had not wanted to bring it up. However, they decided that they were ready to ask and did so. Since they are my best friends, I decided there was no point in lying and despite the fact that I was not ready to come out, I told the truth.

At that point I was actually relieved that they had approached me about it and been so supportive. The only condition of our conversation was that it stay between the three of us, because I was still grappling internally with the issues that come with being gay. They staunchly agreed. I believed that they would keep their word, although I was a little worried that they would tell their boyfriends because the five of us (myself, my two friends and their boyfriends) are all extremely close.

I don't think that they have told their boyfriends. But I do know that one of my friends told her mother. The way I found out is a bit complicated:

I am very close to the family of this friend (we'll call her Kelly). I have dinner with her family very often, hang out at their house, and have gone on vacation with them. Kelly's dad has two gay brothers whose homosexuality was not very well received by some of the family (particularly Kelly's dad and his side of the family), so I was always a bit afraid of what they might think of me if they found out I was gay. Anyway, returning to my closeness with them. Kelly has an uncle on her mother's side who I am quite close to. He is our youth group sponsor and has done several nice things for myself, Kelly, and our friends, such as accompanying us on trips, etc. He is a very nice, good-hearted guy, but I have always felt a bit oddly about my relationship with him because he always invites me to do things alone with him, which makes me a bit uncomfortable considering that he is a much older man (I am only eighteen) who I've always known in an adult-teen type of way, for lack of a better term. I just found it weird that he always wanted to do things without Kelly, who was the connection between us. Also, we have had suspicions that Kelly's uncle is gay, but we never knew for sure.

Yesterday, I got an email from him saying that we needed to talk. I tried to talk to him via e-mail, but he refused and said he needed to talk to me in person and that it was urgent. I thought there was some sort of emergency or something, so I went to his house, which I was iffy about.

When I got there, the first thing he said was, "You cannot breathe a word of this to anyone. Not Kelly, especially." The second thing he said was, "So, I heard that you came out."

This really surprised me because Kelly has sworn her secrecy to me, and I trusted her. He said that he was told by Kelly's mother. I was just shocked that this information, about which I was so self-conscious, had been passed along so much, especially after I had been promised that it would not go anywhere.

Kelly's uncle continued the conversation and told me that he is gay, and he wanted me to know that it's okay and he was there for me to talk to if I needed. Although I was shocked and angry about how he had found out, I was happy to know that he was supportive.

After we talked for a while, I went home. I am very upset at Kelly for betraying my trust. I understand that this supportive situation I've found myself in is a blessing, but the way it came about is a total violation of trust and it really hurts me. I wanted to confront Kelly about this, but I chose not to because by doing so, I would have to tell her about how I find out, which would mean outing her uncle (he is not out to any of his family), which he told me not to do and I don't want to break my word.

I spent today angry at Kelly, which she sort of noticed but didn't really make a big deal about. When I got home from school, I had an email from her uncle apologizing for putting me on the spot yesterday. I sent one back assuring him not to feel badly about it, and thanking him for his support. He then sent me a message back, and it made me very, very uncomfortable. He made several sexual innuendos that I do not think are appropriate. For example, he said "I did not want to upset you. That would suck. Speaking of suck..." and then changed the subject. Later, he said "If you ever want to just hang out or get curious, let me know." He then said "lol" and that he was in a "picking mood", unless I was "game".

I realize that he had a joking feeling in the message, but I think there was some seriousness there, especially the part when he said he was picking, unless I was game. This really makes me uncomfortable especially because of the fact that I've always felt weird about the kind of relationship it seemed he thought we had and the invitations for only the two of us.

So, I'm really stuck. I really want to talk to Kelly about this and tell her that she really hurt me by breaking my trust when she knew very well that I am still learning about myself and was not ready to come out, even to her. However, I don't want to betray the trust of her uncle. I want to be appreciative of the support I got from her uncle, because it meant a lot that he confided in me, but this last message that he sent me really made me feel uneasy.

Am I overreacting about any of this? Should I just bring it up with Kelly and tell her that I know she told her mom but not say how I know? Any advice is great.

 

[G-Lexington]

You've got two problems here. Let's tackle 'em one by one.

It's probable (if not necessarily certain) that Kelly's uncle did find out via his sister, and thus via Kelly. But even if so, you might not know the circumstances involved. For instance, say Kelly's mother sat down with her and said, "You've been spending a lot of time with Hol, but he doesn't seem interested in you. Tell me the truth now - is he gay?" If this happened, would you want Kelly to protest wildly that you weren't? Or to say "I really have no idea at all"? I'm not saying that that WAS what happened, but it may not have been as simple as her running to her mother and saying, "You'll never guess what Hol told me today!"

If this is your only gripe with Kelly, I'd try to forgive her for it. Feel free to talk with her about it if you'd like, but if there's going to be a long circle of "I can't say because then she'll know about HIM", then don't bother. But try not to be too upset with her.

Now the uncle. He's apparently had a hunch for some time, and now that his hunch has been confirmed, he's probably...can I say "overexcited"? If he's not out, you may be the only gay guy he knows, and thus his best bet to do anything with. However, you don't appear to be at all interested in him. That's cool. Best to cut it off at the pass before it continues. Write back, and tell him. "Hey, it's great that you'll confide in me, and offer your support. But can you drop the 'speaking of suck' talk? That kinda weirds me out." He should get the message.

Lex

 

[wendigo3]

That's a tough one. More than likely her mother only told Kelly's uncle because she thinks (or maybe even knows from a conversation) that he is gay and might be able to help you out.
It's also possible Kelly was wondering how to support you so she asked her mother.
If your friend betrayed your trust, you need to talk to that friend. It doesn't matter that her mother betrayed her trust and talked to her uncle in confidence, the point of the matter is that she went behind your back and talked to someone else when you asked her not to.

As for the creepy guy...the only way you're going to make it stop is to tell him you aren't interested in him that way. If he values your relationship then he'll give it a rest.

Good luck!

 

[mcdaddy]

Shit dude. That sucks. It's good to hear that you're getting a supportive reaction, but still....being outed is never good.
Unfortunately, it comes with the territory. I found out that a friend had outed me to a couple of my other friends a year later and I was still really upset. I don't think most people understand how important that kind of thing is to keep under wraps. I can just hear the conversation between you and your girl friend.
"I can't believe you told your mom. What a violation of trust"
"It's just my mom..."
I doubt she knows how hurtful that action was to you.
I'd just call her on it. You don't have to explain how you know. She's the one who should be doing the explaining.

 

[sibersan]

honestly, i would confront her, but dont do it by yelling or anything, just tell her how you feel. She may have not thought it was a big deal telling her mom, some people are just really close to their parents, some arent. If you go on without confronting her, it'll just be worst later on when you cant hold it back anymore.
Now as far as the other guy, you should just tell him st8 up that you dont see him that way. Gay guys can be friends and never do anything. I have a gay friend, and we've been hanging out for 5 years, and we NEVER done anything close to sex.

 

[rareboy]

Tell Kelly you are disappointed, but that you forgive her and enjoyed talking to her Uncle who now also knows.

You obviously can't trust this girl with a secret. But then maybe that's part of the problem. You are under the impression that you can control the info flow. You can, but it just means telling everyone and then letting the chips fall where they may.

 

[KaraBulut]

You came out to your friend, and while your trust was betrayed, you now have an older gay friend that you can talk honestly and openly during your coming out process.

You know, sometimes things happen for a reason.

 

[operafan]

I think you have to confront your friend that you feel betrayed. I would never say it was the kind of thing that would break a friendship, but you're feeling hurt and disappointed. I think in order to repair the friendship you will need to talk.

I'm not too sure about the uncle. I would think that he would realize you're pretty fragile for him to be making "suck" jokes.

 

[hollisterboi07]

Thanks a lot for all the advice, guys.

I didn't really confront her but I did let her know that I really trusted her with something and I really expect it to not travel any further, which I think she understood. In the future, though, I will be much more careful with what I confide in her about.

As for the uncle, I don't want to rock the boat so I've ignored his e-mail and plan to act completely normal the next time I see him, unless he continues making those types of comments, in which case I'll have to be straightforward and shut down any notion of anything happening.

 

[Aaron]

I like the way you are handling the Uncle... that's probably how I would react.

Secondly, with regards to Kelly. I understand your frustration... I was in a similar situation a few years ago. That being said, move on. On the issue of trust, best friends will keep a lot to themselves... be careful what you say to her, but don't write her off. She probably just needed to get it out to someone or she would burst!

WRT people finding out about your being gay... that's just something that people simply won't keep under their hats. It's big news! Whether or not you are ready to come out of the closet, you'll have to accept that even if only a few people know, news will spread eventually.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Hollister...

Mate... firstly congrats on your honesty and courage to come out to the girls in the first place. Thats not easy no matter who it is when your confronted and it shows just how much you value their trust and freindship...

Which is why you find yourself here with Kelly....

Its easy to feel betrayed and hurt in a case like this... its a natural reaction when we lose control over something so personal... and so very important. You've spent a lifetime of hiding this secret and now it seems that the whole world knows...

Hollister... theres some good things here as well as the not so good...

Ok... her uncle knows. Forget how for a second... Lex is most likely right... hes been reading you for a while and all of a sudden with this new information hes feeling a kindred spirit has joined him in the closet. How you've handled this so far is a huge credit to you and something that shows a maturity way beyond 18. Now, having done what you have, if he goes down that path again its your right to say enough. Its your right to put an end to his innuendo and to say I'm not interested in games or such... and its his responsibility to abide by that. Dont ever be afraid to put yourself first.

As for Kelly... I would talk to her. I would simply say that you know shes spoken to her mum... no more... just that... and ask her why. Ask her why she broke your trust... not in a judgmental way, but just so you can understand her reasoning. It could simply be that she thought that she was doing the right thing... she might have truly believed that her mum would support and stand by you. And honestly I find it almost impossible to beleive that Kelly's mum doesn't know about her brother being gay... so she told him so that he too might offer support. All of these things were done with the best intentions... but all have made you feel uncomfortable....for now.

The upside is that Kellys mum knows like I said. And I cant help but think you now have a safe haven. If after talking to Kelly you find her mum was supportive its something that perhaps you should mention to her... just a simple thank you... a safe place is worth its weight in gold as you go through life Hollister...

Your unease will pass mate. You'll soon regain control... in fact I think you already have in a way thats really brilliant. I hope its easy for you to feel proud how you've come through this shock... you deserve to feel free and your true self mate, you deserve people to know the real valuable open trusting and honest you... and I think that this just might be the start of that happening for you.