Coming Out - Wanting to Move Forward

[stateofflux]

Before I write this, I just want to say that I fully expect some harsh criticism as I've been around here for approx. 2 years and have seen enough of it go around. Please go somewhat easy on me!

I'm 29 years old, will be 30 in a few months and am still in the closet . I have come out to a few people in the past few years but am no longer close with them (I'm not sure that me being gay led to this increased distance, moreso it was about people going in opposite directions in life), so I'm basically back to square one.

Over time. I've become increasingly comfortable with who I am and know that I'm ready to take the next step but for some reason I've been holding back. Perhaps its the fear of rejection from those closest to me, or possibly even the backlash of me knowing for more than a decade but not telling those who I should trust - I'm not really sure. One thing that is becoming more clear to me that I do have to face my issues and it should be sooner than later, mainly so I can get over this hurdle and continue onto a path that hopefully leads to happiness.

I've been thinking a lot lately about coming out for two reasons: 1) I'll be 30 in less than 5 months and 2) the It Gets Better Project. First, I've never been one to take age milestones seriously but at the end of the day, I'm almost 30 and am growing very lonely and its been bothering me for the past two months. Second, I have spent a lot of time watching Its Gets Better videos and after watching countless videos, I realize that it actually does get better provided that you give yourself the opportunity to really get better. Well, that and people several years younger than me saying that it does get better, I'm feeling kinda sheepish

I don't think my life has improved in this respect and I do admit that its my fault. Maybe I've spent too much time striving for success in my career (which I fortunately have been) to worry about my personal life, or I've become a workaholic hard to avoid it.

When I was watching the YouTube videos, one particular video hit me hard and is giving me hope (depfox's "It Gets Better...My Love Letter To Anyone Coming Out" - I can't post it because I have less than 5 posts) that I may actually have a future ahead of me. I probably watched it a dozen times or more and the message seems to be sinking in.

I know I'm not alone in this struggle and so many people have gone through this in the past and present and will in the future but I don't know why its been so hard for me to overcome! Will it get better, or am I doomed for a lifetime of misery?

 

[crzyrazn]

Hello. No criticism here. It's OK to feel apprehensive, even afraid, of coming out. It's never easy, no matter how much you feel you are truly ready to make the step, even if you have taken baby steps before. It's good that you have identified what could make you happy, and possess the willingness to achieve it. Though age may not be important to you as others, sadly the fact is we only get older; and unfortunately getting older means less time. Time should never be wasted in the pursuit of happiness. It's natural to desire companionship in old age, and unless one is truthful to oneself and others do we find the only opportunity to find someone to share it with. So this is a good reason to want to make this decision. I'm glad you are learning from the It Gets Better Project. And you are absolutely right, when you wrote: "I realize that it actually does get better provided that you give yourself the opportunity to really get better." Not to say that it will be easy and free from any hardship, expect there to be a lot of it, but I think it is getting better, and that helps a lot. Maybe you didn't make the decision earlier because you weren't ready yet, but now it seems you are, no need to let the past haunt dreams of the future. Only you can say whether or not if it will get better. As it is quoted: Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice. Not something to wish for, but to attain. I can only add: I believe it can, if one believes it so. It's a risk worth a life.

 

[hylas]

you are doomed for a lifetime of misery.












... or not. sing it, björk:

 

[wazza380]

Hi,

I cant profess to be an expert on the subject. i have only just recently come out and like you are up in the years (28 almost 29) My reasons are similar to yours, I was sick of being alone. one of the hardest things I have had to do is accept myself and be comfortable enough within myself to both admit to myself and to others that I was gay. I had some hard questions, especially from my parents about why I had waited so long, but at the end of the day I only did it when I was ready.

It has been only 3 weeks and I can truely say, it does get better. I am feeling amazing, like i never had before. My family are coming to terms with me and my friends have never been more supportive.

Whatever your decision and in whatever time frame. Good luck.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi stateofflux and welcome to posting!

From what I've seen, a prime motivator of coming out is what you mention--either a milestone birthday, or a sense of loneliness or life is passing you by, or some combination of those things.

Yet, on the other hand, you've been successful doing what you've been doing so it's intimidating to upset the apple-cart and turn your world upside down--or at least feeling like you're doing that.

I agree with wazza that what ever you decide to do, do it on your own timetable and for your own reasons. It seems like you're doing just that. I hope that you find, as most do, that 1) people are supportive and 2) many (most?) already knew and 3) you care about your sexuality more than anyone else does.

Good luck. You're on your way, it seems. Let us know what happens!

 

[stateofflux]

Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot. I have struggled a lot with accepting what was inevitable and spent many years hating myself while losing countless hours of sleep due to the pressure, so doing this is hopefully a step in the right direction. My friend who I told four years ago (best friend at the time) once told me that I internalize my feelings too much and encouraged me to do something about it but I wasn't ready to hear that advice. Even at that time, posting something on a message board would probably have been too far out of reach. I don't feel this way anymore, at least not to the same extent as I once did.

The more "It Gets Better" videos I watch, the more inspired I become to take action in moving forward with my own life. Despite being alone, I take comfort in knowing that so many people have gone through these same feelings and that I am not alone in feeling them.

wazza - as someone who just came out, congrats! Its good to know that things start improving. I'm now feeling like I should have got the ball rolling a few years earlier than I did, but I guess I just wasn't comfortable either. I want these feelings of isolation to go away and put an end to the sleepless nights than I've had to put up with.

From what I've seen since I first starting coming to JUB a couple of years ago, this place does seem to be a great community and I look forward to posting more (I already spend enough time here!!).

Oh and Bjork is awesome

 

[willrod1989]

After seeing so many kids at ages as young as 12 or 13 coming out, for a while I felt that I was pretty late in coming out at age 20. But one thing I've learned is, it's never too late to come out- you're the only one who can decide if it's the right time. Of course, my close friends had their suspicions but never said anything about me waiting so long- it was nothing but encouragement from them. To be quite honest, unless everyone you know constantly tells you how much they hate gay people, I'm almost certain they'll understand why you took a while to tell them.

Does it get better? Well, I won't be one to say that things immediately change when you come out. If you read my previous postings you'll see that I'm struggling with a few jerks out there (fellow gay guys mostly)- but other than that, I have to say that I am much happier being completely honest to people about who I am. Though the future is hard to predict as I'm only 21- I can quite honestly say that, compared to how I was in the closet, my future definitely looks brighter.

You're only 29, going on 30 years old, and you probably have at least another half-century of life ahead of you- complete uncharted territory. You could just keep things to yourself and let yourself be lonely and miserable, or you could take that first, albeit frightening step towards complete love and self-acceptance and ensure that your life is meaningful. It will be hard, extremely hard, I won't lie. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I don't regret it one bit

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a private message, I'll be happy to help you with this

 

[fetaby]

You know you can do it. Just think about it. Think about how being in the closet has paralyzed your life. Think about all the wonderful possibilities that await you. And lastly, know you deserve it. You deserve happiness in all the areas of your life.

 

[stateofflux]

After seeing so many kids at ages as young as 12 or 13 coming out, for a while I felt that I was pretty late in coming out at age 20. But one thing I've learned is, it's never too late to come out- you're the only one who can decide if it's the right time. Of course, my close friends had their suspicions but never said anything about me waiting so long- it was nothing but encouragement from them. To be quite honest, unless everyone you know constantly tells you how much they hate gay people, I'm almost certain they'll understand why you took a while to tell them.

Does it get better? Well, I won't be one to say that things immediately change when you come out. If you read my previous postings you'll see that I'm struggling with a few jerks out there (fellow gay guys mostly)- but other than that, I have to say that I am much happier being completely honest to people about who I am. Though the future is hard to predict as I'm only 21- I can quite honestly say that, compared to how I was in the closet, my future definitely looks brighter.

You're only 29, going on 30 years old, and you probably have at least another half-century of life ahead of you- complete uncharted territory. You could just keep things to yourself and let yourself be lonely and miserable, or you could take that first, albeit frightening step towards complete love and self-acceptance and ensure that your life is meaningful. It will be hard, extremely hard, I won't lie. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I don't regret it one bit

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a private message, I'll be happy to help you with this

Knowing how much I've stressed out over it, its amazing how courageous younger kids are in dealing with something that almost cost me my life. 20 is definitely not late at all. I could argue that 29 is but I guess I wasn't completely ready, or I was at 25 until some seriously bad things happened and I didn't feel like it was the right time anymore.

I'm sure most of my friends (and family) are probably smart enough to realize that I am gay, if only for the fact that I've never really shown interest in the opposite sex aside from friendship. And my sister's best friend tried to out me so clearly her and my sister have talked about it. And one of my good friends said something jokingly about me being gay while drunk back in university. Hmmm, I'm starting to think that maybe its the worst kept secret!

I think at some point I was content with being miserable for the rest of my life but I don't want to live like this anymore and the other option (suicide) just doesn't seem appealing anymore. I hate that I still have to overcome the biggest obstacle, which is coming out to my parents but its the only way that I can move forward comfortably.

I appreciate your comments and hope that things with this group of jerks get better for you!

 

[stateofflux]

You know you can do it. Just think about it. Think about how being in the closet has paralyzed your life. Think about all the wonderful possibilities that await you. And lastly, know you deserve it. You deserve happiness in all the areas of your life.

I'm starting to realize more and more that I can do it. I guess now its just a matter of taking the right actions. I know it sounds silly but I thought for a long time that I did not deserve to be happy because all I knew was the pains associated with depression and I even still have moments where I feel this way (though not as often).

I do think that I've come a long way and despite being trapped in the closet, I've managed to become fairly successful in other areas of my life (specifically in my career). By coming out, I don't want to upset the apple cart in these areas but I know I need to to be happy in everything that I do and the longer I keep one aspect of me hidden, the worse off I'll be.

My plan is to be out by the end of the year, at least to my family and close friends. Hopefully I can hold myself to that deadline!

 

[willrod1989]

My plan is to be out by the end of the year, at least to my family and close friends. Hopefully I can hold myself to that deadline!

By all means, set a goal- that's pretty much the only way I came out LOL. Last year I set a goal that, come hell or high water, I would come out by Thanksgiving. Well, I kept trying and trying, and Thanksgiving came around, and I forced myself to come out. Hopefully it works the same for you.

 

[stateofflux]

By all means, set a goal- that's pretty much the only way I came out LOL. Last year I set a goal that, come hell or high water, I would come out by Thanksgiving. Well, I kept trying and trying, and Thanksgiving came around, and I forced myself to come out. Hopefully it works the same for you.

That was my original plan this year though it wasn't something that had a hard deadline. Thanksgiving up in Canada coincided with Coming Out day this year but I ended up spending the entire weekend in my office working. I'd like to do it this month, if only for the fact that 30 is only 4 months away now and I want to be done with it by then!

 

[wazza380]

By all means, set a goal- that's pretty much the only way I came out LOL. Last year I set a goal that, come hell or high water, I would come out by Thanksgiving. Well, I kept trying and trying, and Thanksgiving came around, and I forced myself to come out. Hopefully it works the same for you.

I dont think there is anything wrong with a goal. I just think you have to ask yourself, why are you needing to set this goal. Is there something else which is holding you back hence the need to make a goal.

For me I just went right, tonights the night, no goal, no real pre-mediated action. I just started calling (grated not the same as face to face but...) and telling friends.

Come out when YOU are ready, not because you have this date in mind and thats what you have stated.

Look a little closer to why you feel you need a goal.

In saying all this, if thats what gets it done then

Good luck mate

 

[mpdan]

I too was late in coming out - a little more than a decade older than you! Because I was divorced and children were involved I worked with a gay psychologist who emphatically stated that I not come out around a major holiday, or a major family event (wedding or funeral) Unfortunately from November 1st on, if there wasn't a holiday or birthday to celebrate, someone was dropping dead. And all along my partner was the "ummmm friend" with the earing standing in the background.

I finally got to the "I can't take it anymore" stage and let it all tumble out. First the ex-wife, then the kids, mom, brother, sister, the rest of the siblings; then the friends. I had to beat the gossip mongers and in my mind I had it all carefully planned out. It didn't work perfectly - but it could have been a lot worse! I had also been reading JUB for two years before making my first post, and would roll my eyes when guys would say that coming out was like having the weight of the world lifted off their chest. Now I was singing the same tune.

Come out when your body and soul tells you it's time. Not because of your biological clock.

BTW, when I did come out I felt the need to "pay it forward" for all the guys who helped me on this board. So I chronicled my coming out process, and was supported by the guys on this board. This was back in early '07, and I doubt that post is still in the archives. But I directed the friends who "just could not understand" to my post on JUB and in time they indeed came around.

 

[fetaby]

My plan is to be out by the end of the year, at least to my family and close friends. Hopefully I can hold myself to that deadline!

Again, while you have definitely made progress on your career, a career does not make a life full.

You've denied yourself the opportunity to love, and be loved for who you are. The person that gets up and goes to work, that's not you. You're letting a stranger live your life while you are stuck in a closet.

It sounds weird, but that is what is happening.

I wish you the best of luck in taking back your life.

 

[Groovymule]

It's almost bizarre reading your opening post, Stateofflux, because I could have written almost every word of it. I have been lurking round here for a couple of years now and am also 29 and approaching 30 and to most of the world, in the closet but on the verge of leaving it. Whilst it took me quite a while to get comfortable with my sexuality, I now accept myself and am happy self-identifying as gay.

The problem is that I have been thinking about coming out for a couple of years but have never quite got up the courage to do it except to one friend who I drunkenly told and has been great about it. After reading your post I realised that that was 6 years ago and I haven't made any progress in coming out further since then and I am not sure why.

I would be amazed if any of my friends or my close family were surprised by it and for the most part I expect they would be ok with it (although I get no sense either way from my parents).

I think I have realised that I won't be able to properly relax until I have come out and that the stress of being in the closet isn't worth the hassle. However, I haven't quite plucked up the courage to start telling people yet. It's as if I psych myself up for it but then back out at the last minute.

Really I just wanted to say that I know exactly what you're going through as I'm in the same position and wanted to wish you the best of luck in coming out.

 

[Echoes]

No criticism. It does get better, silence is easy and you shouldn't go the easy route. Don't expect people or society to be ready, the best time is when YOU are ready.

I hope it helps.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EImPJ2CM7xg[/ame]