Coming out.

[Paathogen]

Honestly- you've already taken one great step- you joined this forum!

There isn't any time frame or procedures you must follow in order to come out. You should do so only when you are ready and know that you'll be safe when you do so.


If you're looking for a friend to talk openly about any issues you may have, look no further. I'm more than happy to discuss anything with you- as either a Psychologist or just a friend.

If you're uncomfortable with me, there are plenty of others who would be more than happy to take the task.

Good luck, and welcome.

 

[Telstra]

ummmm .. me thinks everyone including the good doctor have issues!!!

But to discuss or not to discuss is up to us.

 

[Love_chair]

Hey (Matt) welcome to the forum you will find grate help here and I myself came out when I was 17 am 20 now so 3 years ago not so long ago even though it feels like it LOL but my coming out was a grate one and I hope yours is to am sure some people already suspect you are and there just waiting for you to hold the sign up you wold be surprised but if you ever need to talk about it or anything at all just send me a PM I will be happy to help in anyway I can but I wish you the best of luck and hope everything goes grate

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Matt, you are taking a cool stand.

Do things in their own time. Coming out is fine, but it does not have to be a major trauma either.

Making sure that you come out to your parents, once you are standing on your own is a very smart decision, to start with.

Many people tend to be loving and supportive on their own. Even more people tend to even more loving and supportive, once they realize that every other alternative is much worse.

If you have any specific questions, shoot, here or PM anyone, who you think may be able to help you most.

SC

 

[Steppenwolf]

Matt, coming out isn't easy at any age. Most start with friends before telling family members. You'll know when you're ready to come out and to whom. Waiting to tell your folks until you're independent sounds like a good plan.

When you are ready to come out or just want to talk, so to speak, JUB is a great place for that. You'll find a lot a lot of support and people who have gone through what you're going through. In the meantime, you might check out the web for any gay and lesbian support groups in your area. There are generally more support groups, especially around college towns, than most people realize.

 

[screwnutty]

I know there is probably thousands of threads about this but I decided to make one more. I posted this in another thread but was advised to make a new one so I am lol.

Hey Matt! or in your country...G'Day Mate! There may be thousands of coming out threads but don't that let bother you for posting your own...cause it's your own and everbody is different. So congrats for posting on JUB!

Here is what I said: I have not come out and am scared to death of doing it because I dont know how people will react. I am comfortable with it after struggling for a few years. I will probably just wait till I move out of home and am completely independant before I tell my family.

Hey Trust me, it is scary. It's the fear of the unknown. Take your time. Your not in a big hurry now are you? Besides...You've already won the hardest of battles (I know people are going to say telling your folks or best friend or friends that your gay is hard ) but I feel that actually looking at yourself in the mirror and saying. "I'm Gay!" Is the hardest thing to do and you've already done that! CONGRATS!!

I hope that one day soon I can pluck up the courage to tell my best friend. (Ive known him my whole life so I think he will take it well.) I just wish I had a friend who was gay so I could talk to them about it. This thread and forum in general is helping though.

I would appreciate any replies or advice.

That day will come. Trust me. Like I said...Life isn't a race. Take your time. You found JUB so your going to make some great gay friends here like Love_Chair....who knows he might even introduce you to the good old doctor (that's me ) I'm usually chatting with him at nights so I look forward to meeting you in the future.

You take care now and stay out of trouble!

 

[screwnutty]

Thanks for all the advice. I will take my time to come out especially to my parents. I did have trouble coming out to myself for a while as I wanted children. (I think this is because of the stereotypes I have seen my whole life.) I may come out to my friend soon if I get over my nervousness.

You can still have children even though your gay if you choose. Trust me, there are options out there.

 

[screwnutty]

I know. I meant the natural way lol.

LOL

Yeah well you can still have children the natural way. You just got to find a good woman that you trust and with alittle $$$ (she might do it for free, with you and your partner just covering the medical costs) and a contract stating the roles and terms of the contract.

Edit: Course there are so many kids out there in the world that need good parents. To be able to skip the baby years would be a blessing! Trust me...I have nieces. Don't get me wrong...I love them to death but I'm always happy when there mom comes to pick them up after spending a day with them!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Matt,

Nice job with the thread mate! I'm glad you found us and that some of this advice might be helpful to you.

Matt, I hope that your proud of the progress that you've made. At 18 its a great thing to have reconciled who you are... I know that there are things that linger like the desire to have kids... I think most of us still have things that we wish were different in accepting that we are gay. That doesn't make us wrong or different... it makes us human. Your posts show a guy who's bright and intelligent, polite and considerate. Your posts show a guy who should feel proud about his courage and determination to not only do the right thing for himself but also those around him.

For me I dont necessarily subscribe to the "wait to tell you parents" theory. So much of whether or not people, including your parents, accept you or not is how you tell them, how you deal with it yourself and the level of the realtionship that you have with the other person/people.

As part of the same culture that taught us to desire children, that created the stereotypical gay person, we are also taught to respect and honour our parents. And so thats where the fear and doubt arises in telling them... that we may disappoint or hurt them.

Matt, chances are your parents will be shocked. They might even be upset... for a while. If you read through these boards you'll see a huge number of guys who feared telling their family for the same reasons you do... and in the vast vast majority of cases things went really well.

A parent who loves their child will soon enough overcome their shock (if there is any - dont forget that they probably know you as well as you do if your close) because their main concern is their child's happiness and wellbeing. Matt, they see you... their son. The son that laughs, cries, loves and cherishes. They see the son they raised, saw take his first steps, watched graduate, helped and raised. They know your strengths... and if they knew how you were handling this I'm sure that they would be proud.

Telling your parents while you live with them simply treats them with a respect and honesty thats evidenced in the way you post. Telling them while you live with them gives you and them a chance to bond with each other and understand each other on a new and deeper level. Telling them now relieves you of the burden of shouldering not only this secret but the pressures of life in general. Finances, study, work...

Look... you do whats right for you. Just dont dismiss the chance to rid yourself of this burden while you are in a safe loving caring and comfortable environment. At some stage our parents stop seeing us as children and start looking at us as adults. The way you handle this could be the turning point in your relationship with your parents.

I see nothing but a genuine sincere respectful and loving guy here Matt. And I'm sure your parents see that too. Dont underestimate their love and desire to see you happy - dont assume that trusting them with your secret will go badly.

Remember that being gay is only part of who you are. It doesn't change you or destroy your life. When you let your parents see that too you'll be able to get on with your life free of a burden that you don't need to carry. You'll be all you can be... and that mate will be all that matters to Mom and Dad.

 

[Telstra]

Great advice from tallguy.

 

[hanshansen]

I think it's a really good idea to want to be independent from your parents before you consider telling them about your sexuality.

I also wonder if you want to tell your best friend at this stage. It depends, I don't know your friend. He may take it badly, or he may be really supportive and be someone who you can talk to about this stuff, or he may be really supportive but not really be able to help you that much, because he doesn't know what it's like.

The thing is: you have your current key support systems (your parents, your best friend, others) that haven't been constructed around you being open about your sexuality. If something goes wrong (or not as well as you'd like), you'll feel more alone than you do now, and you'll still have no-one to talk to.

Earlier this year I came out to my father (thinking that I needed to let him know I had this burden etc.). He was in some ways extremely supportive and things are totally unchanged between us. But at the same time it was kind of a letdown. I realised that in some ways he couldn't help me sort out my life and what I wanted to do with it, that getting his support and advice didn't make as much difference as I had expected. We've not talked about this stuff since. In a way, the most valuable part of that coming out experience was that it made me more independent (inside) of my parents. I love my parents dearly and I know they want me to be happy and will try to give me the space to find my way. At the moment they can see that I'm much happier and that's making them happier too. That's all I need for the time being.

What I've tried to do since then is to start making a whole lot of new friends, this time being conscious of my sexuality and general personality in doing so. Essentially, you want to get closer to people who are likely to be accepting both of you personally and of 'alternative lifestyles'. You can do this by 'being yourself' around strange people and also observing what they are like towards others. It's a matter of building up new support systems. Once you have those, it'll be easier to go back to your existing family and friends.

If your family and friends care about you, they shouldn't feel bad that you didn't tell them about this stuff first. They should be able to put themselves in your shoes enough to understand the difficulties.

Last thing: Steppenwolf is right about the gay groups. I was very reluctant to approach these in the beginning, but they are a very easy way to meet other gay people in a context that isn't complicated by sex. I have been going to a gay support ('newcomer') group and also sometimes go running with a 'frontrunner' group. Some of the people in these groups are activists and some are just annoying, but in my case they have been very supportive environments, some of the people (some of the initially annoying ones, too) have been really nice, and it's helped me a lot to become more comfortable with this side of myself (by getting to know gay people as diverse individuals and also by being able to talk to others in a similar situation to me).

 

[screwnutty]

Just thought I would add a bit. I think I became comfortable with my sexuality because I turned 18 only about a month ago and realised that I cant hide who I am for the rest of my life. As much as I didnt want to be gay for a while I have accepted that I am and am happy about it.

Wow. At 18 years old too. What are they feeding this generation?! I wish I had your strength, courage and determination when I was 18 years old. You are one hellva guy Matt! You may just change the world someday! Think I can say that I knew you too!

Adoption or a surrogate would be good. Im getting a bit ahead of myself though lol. Im also a Dr Who fan. Have you seen the voyage of the damned trailer?

Oh well that's just going to get you more....... I don't know if I can call myself a fan of Doctor Who. I mean a fan watches the shows, likes the characters and generally is okay with it. I'm beyond that. I own all three seasons of the new show on DVD, I have a Dalek Alarm Clock, 12 inch Cyberman action figure, a 12 inch David Tennant as the Doctor action figure, Remote Control K-9, cyberman voice changer mask and the sonic screwdriver led light pen.

Yeah...I need help! It good that your a fan. I have nobody to talk to about this show with! Now if I could just figure out Australia time to Canadian Eastern Time!

Oh I got your add on MSN! Talk to you soon Matt!!

 

[TygreBryte]

I came out to my parents at 28, and my brother somewhat earlier. In all honesty, in terms of my extended family, I'm not sure how "out" I am to them at this time. I just kind of reached the end of my energy to manage the whole thing.

It was good to tell my parents. For me, it was rough. It's not always so rough. Of course, my mom told me she had known for years (which actually pissed me off a bunch). But it's very, very good to just have the whole thing established between us.

Best wishes; take your time.

 

[xic55401]

Matt,
Welcome aboard... I am on the same boat somehow. I have found very, very good advice from people here! It is amazing. Just keep on reading and reading the posts here.
tall guy, you are the best!

 

[G-Lexington]

Once I realized I was gay, it did take a bit of time to come out to my family. And I never really did a "folks, I have something to tell you" sort of thing. I just switched to acting as if they already knew.

"I went to the Dove last night."
"Isn't that a gay bar?"
"Well, yeah - that's why I went."

Lex

 

[tallguy297]

Well to answer your question Matt... yeah I've told my parents.

I live a few hours away from them - and the day that I decided to tell them (at that stage only 2 of my closest friends knew) I started the drive home. I had plenty of time to work myself up into a state that was now embarrassing looking back on it.

I didn't take my bags out of the car... I thought for sure that they would disown me and make me turn around and drive away. By the time that I made it to the front door I could hardly speak. I had never heard or seen my parents talk about gays but I just knew that they would hate me and send me away banished from their lives.

I couldn't have been more wrong. My dad especially hugged me and actually ended up in tears (as was I by this stage...lol). My mom was shocked but she soon just said...it doesn't matter.

In fact thats all they could say. That they just wanted me to be happy and that they didn't care... that I was there son and that was it. I honestly didn't think that they really cared that much until that day. Our family isnt emotional or touchy feely at all. I was stunned.

And honestly it was the best thing I ever did. Sure we dont send each other post cards about our private lives, but my realtionship is far far stronger than its ever been. We trust each other as adults, we look forward to seeing each other... and I dont have to think so much anymore.

Its why I said to you what I did. You guys are sons far more than you are gay. You are far more than your sexuality and your parents - some quickly some more slowly - will see and accept that. For them, YOU are all that matters.

 

[Pushover]

Sometimes, unless you honestly feel you need to, coming out isn't necessary. Sure, it might take a load off your mind, but it's not absolutely necessary.

If you want a crude example, take myself. I'm not actually 'out', because nobody knows, but I don't hide it, nor will I deny it when finally asked. There are many of us who aren't 'closeted' per say; we're just not openly gay. Take my latest blog entry if you want an example.

But yes, listen to Tallguy, he's the best advice-giver around these parts.