Coming out

[andy12]

What culture are you referring to?

 

[Eagle653]

Hi bitou and welcome to JUB.

Where are you, and what culture are you referring to? Can you tell us a little more about your situation?

You have many issues going on, it seems--trying to make connections at college, not seeming to find some gay people to relate to, and then your whole family situation.

Which is most important for you to deal with first?

 

[Spiffy]

Idk it seems like you carry this "I'm different from those gay guys" attitude on your shoulders. Which whether you notice it or not may be the thing holding you a little back from getting friends in the lgbt community. Especially if you go into the Group thinking your not going to make friends because your different probably means you won't. You don't have to like the same things or have the same personality to be friends with someone, I mean hell yeah it does help but isn't the only thing necessary.
Just saying don't be afraid to enjoy spending time with your fellow community instead of just examining them and/or trying to understand them.

As for your family, that probably will be harder. You should never forget though, that your living your life and no one else s. If you believe being out and about will make you a happier person, Then I think you should slowly start letting your family know. Let them know you love them and that's why your telling them, hoping they will support you and what not.

I know its not that easy, but I think it will be worth it for the longrun...

(I'm slowly coming out myself, I told my sister I went to "pride" literally just yesterday and she put the pieces together Lol... and let me tell you, it does feel a little better knowing some family knows)

 

[Rooster]

Human beings always share more in common than they have different, no matter if they are feminine or masculine. Stop focusing on differences and make use of your similarities to connect. Everyone has family, friends, things they like to do for fun, places they work, favorite places they like to eat, etc.

 

[sum1fmhell]

i'm also a senior at college who's fully closeted. I only have straight friends and pretty much do "masculine" things: gym, sports, clubbing partying all with straight peeps so meeting a gay guy has been pretty much impossible so far. I know i need to come out soon cause hiding this part of me has really affected my life... but i feel that i have no reason to until i actually get into a relationship. So lost, so lonely. i need help. so glad i found this community. my first post here!

 

[KaraBulut]

Before, I was terrified to be around feminine guys cause I did not understood them ... I tried to befriend one of them in my lgbt club , but he tough I was hittin on him which is not true... I sincerly just wanted to learn somethin about him , but it seems like there was a big gap between us ... I just stop trying you know...

LGBT meetings often have a lot of the more strident, political and clique-ish people in attendance. The whole organization isn't usually like that, it's just the more activist types show up for the meetings.

Usually the parties and events are more diverse and have a better mix of people.

There's plenty of guys like you who want to meet other guys like themselves. When you use terms like "regular mike in the block" and "masculine guy", it does makes it clear without being offensive (instead of the oxymoron- "straight-acting"). It's all about networking- meeting other people, making it clear that you're single and looking and being open about what kind of guys you want to meet.

I'm not out to my familly yet and believe me its scary everytime I think about it...I from a different culture, and I was raised catholic.... Me being gay will be the scandal of the century in my familly... Since I'm on my own here in the gay world , I'm just going to take it one step at the time...

It's premature to get too far down that path. You're still trying to figure out who you are. Focus on that and take on the issue of coming out to your family after you have graduated, you're more settled in your life and when there's a good reason to tell them.

 

[andy12]

Thank you for the consern and the welcome!! well my parents were all born in Africa even if we were all raised in europe ( France ) and here in the us, so they still have the same traditions that they grew up with... Also the fact that we are hardcore catholic , and they believe whaterver the pope is sayin.... I really have no problem connecting with the meanstream population in general in my school , but I just don't connect with the gay group ( lgbt groups in my school).... I'm a very down the earth guy who tries to get along with everyone , but everytime I tried to bring that same spirit in the lgbt groups it sounded like was coming from another planet.... Those are my two consern my very traditional familly and the lack of connection with the gay community...

When I was in college, I was really looking forward to finding other masculine men like me. I believed the party line about effeminacy being just a stereotype. There were more gays out at college (they congregated in a group) than high school but all were in fact varying degrees of effeminate.

I haven't found anything since so I can't help you but to say I understand. It's difficult to be out when there's no one to feel similar to and the label that exists doesn't describe you very well.

 

[andy12]

Human beings always share more in common than they have different, no matter if they are feminine or masculine. Stop focusing on differences and make use of your similarities to connect. Everyone has family, friends, things they like to do for fun, places they work, favorite places they like to eat, etc.

Assuming the OP is what he says he is, then that's like telling a gay man he should try women because "Human beings always share more in common than they have different."

Why is it that gay men can exclude an entire group of people they find incompatible but the OP can't?

 

[KaraBulut]

Why is it that gay men can exclude an entire group of people they find incompatible but the OP can't?

Andy: if your question is genuine and you want to have a discussion about that topic, you're welcome to start a Hot Topics thread on that subject. But since this is an advice forum, it's not the place to ask the question- especially since it doesn't address the OP's request for advice.

 

[SAdude]

To the OP, I know exactly what you mean! Im from South Africa, and only 2 months ago met another gay guy in person for the 1st time that I met on a gay chat/hookup/dating site. I managed to go to pride with him last month without my family knowing, and like 12 other gay guys slept at his place to go to pride (since its a town 4 hours away from where we live)

I also felt i didnt have anything in common with them, they were all hairdressers, etc. They kept to their group of friends anyways and didnt try talk to me.

Im really hoping to meet more straight-acting gay guys soon, because to be honest at times while being surrounded by them I felt, ah do I really wanna live this gay life.

That day we went to the parade, which everyone found quite boring actually, and then that night was my 1st night at a gay club

 

[Lube]

Try hanging out with bears. They're often pretty welcoming of guys who don't seem to fit in anywhere else. And, no, that's not meant to be disparaging.

 

[gourami]

I think you are in need of a role model. I suggest looking up Russell Tovey as he is a good role model for straight acting gay guys.