Coming to terms with it

[Christopher123]

- Knowing you'll never have children of your own?

I've just accepted the fact that I'll never have kids. However, more and more gays are adopting or using surrogate mothers. Having your own kid is NOT impossible. But there are plenty of homeless kids out there who could use a good parent as well.

- From my exposure to the gay world, promiscuity is everywhere - are any guys ever faithful for more than a weekend?

Yes.

- I don't know any gay role models!

Neither do I.

- Reaching the point in your life where your looks can't get you by anymore.

One should never rely on their looks to get them by in the first place. You've got to use your heart and your brains first.

- Having to constantly come out to people in your life - like any time you start a new job for example.

I'm kind of stuck on this one, mostly because my life hasn't changed all that much since coming out to everyone. Maybe someone else can give a better answer.

 

[OutofEden]

Hi Ausboy and welcome.

Congratulations on working through a lot of the most difficult thoughts and feelings associated with 'coming out' and learning to be happy with who you are!

You obviously have put a LOT of time and thought into everything, because you've posted some of the most serious issues to homosexual life.

I can only offer my personal opinion, nothing professional.

I personally told myself at a very young age that I didn't want children because I didn't want to be a jerk like my dad, but as I'm maturing now and my peers are marrying and procreating, I feel a pang of paternal instinct, the need to raise a child into this world and pass on what I can to them. Thankfully, there are many ways this can happen. Adoptions occur regularly, and they really only take about as long as a regular gestation period to get through paperwork, so you're taking the same time preparing for a child as if they were in development. As mentioned above, there is also surrogate motherhood, legal arrangements made in advance to have a woman bear a child for you, sometimes this involves money exchanged. It isn't unrealistic that you could have a child someday if you make that a priority, but building a good home will take work!

Laws are changing every day around the world for what is legally recognized as a partnership. Remember that you can help change your reality, or you always have the option to move to a place that is more accepting of who you want to be.

There seems to be a regular cycle of development in which many gay men are glad to finally be out and rejoice in their new-found freedom, experimenting with many brief relationships or passing encounters. In the end it is a combination of personal preference and maturity that determines whether a gay man lives his life in search of hookups or works to find someone to commit to and honors that commitment.

Finding gay role models can be difficult, especially online. Most online areas are devoted to dating and hookups, the kind of place where you don't get much time to ask about life's pressing questions, gay issues, or learn about long term relationships. I would probably recommend searching the internet for any Gay community centers in the Metropolitan cities nearby and then seeing if they have any sort of e-mail group or online community that you could be a part of. As explained, if you're looking for role models for long term relationships, they aren't out on gay dating sites because they aren't looking to date anyone. These types are the ones out there doing all the romantic things together that you can imagine. One nice thing in the area I am in is that most gay couples are very approachable, so if you do come across them in a public place, a park or a restaurant and would like to approach them to make friends, that's usually well received. Other places to learn about relationships and gay living is through literature. I've come across a number of helpful and entertaining books about learning to live your life as who you are while accepting your sexuality, without letting it define you, and how to integrate that into all the other aspects of your life. Lastly, these message boards at Just Us Boys are actually a great place to talk to other smart gay men, I've always found them helpful!

As far as looks go, I haven't reached that point yet, but I liked the above answer from Christopher, you shouldn't rely on your looks to get you by, there will always be someone younger and hotter than you.

I think that eventually coming out stops being an issue, you don't have to 'constantly' do it anymore because who you are has become second nature to you, you live your life the way you choose and what other people think doesn't matter that much anymore. You'll still have to 'come out' to people from time to time, but it is a much simpler process. "Wow, that new girl is so hot" "Yeah she does look good, but that's not where my interests lie". Eventually coming out to new people isn't a challenge because you no longer fear how they are going to react or behave, you've experienced it and are confident and capable of handling the situation.

Hope some of this was helpful, to summarize, don't give up hope, keep exploring who you are and many of the things that you worry about today will resolve themselves in wonderful ways in the days to come.

 

[hermanding]

ausboy, welcome to the forum. on the age issue and looks not getting you by anymore, everyone of every sexuality ages. i'm 65, the definitive opposite of twink, and i never had 'those' kinds of looks - but i haven't fared badly. really, there are lotsa guys who can look deeper than the temporary surface. being straight won't be any more important than gay as one ages. and, on promiscuity, i really wonder if our community is any different in actions. i've see one nighters, affairs, extra-marital throughout my life among straights. they seem to lie about it more. good luck in being YOU.
ding

 

[3nipples]

- Knowing you'll never have children of your own?
If I really wanted them I'm sure I could arrange it one way or the other. I like kids but I don't have the feeling they need to be my own offspring.

- For those in Oz, we can't have a relationship recognised by the law.
Yet... Keep working on it. We just got the right on Jan 1st.

- From my exposure to the gay world, promiscuity is everywhere - are any guys ever faithful for more than a weekend?
Of course.

- I don't know any gay role models!
Why do you need a role model? Being a man doesn't have anything to do with being straight or gay anyways.

- Reaching the point in your life where your looks can't get you by anymore.
I reached that point. Not a big deal.

- Having to constantly come out to people in your life - like any time you start a new job for example.
I have never come out to anyone at work. It has never been an issue. The important people in my life know. For the rest, I just live my life; some people figure it out and others don't.

 

[OutofEden]

To be honest, I expected more replies, but maybe people are just waiting to hear you comment on what was already said and see if you have follow-up or additional questions.

 

[provenlogic]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.. but i've been reading heaps of other posts and there's lots of helpful stuff out there. So much wisdom being shared
I'm 23 and live in a small place and still very closeted - very depressing, but I'm taking steps to ensure i move more accepting. I've only in the last 12 months or so accepted that there's no turning back down straight street, and that I'm in fact gay. Has been the hardest 12 months on my life, coming to the realisation of many things. I just wanted to bring up a few of my 'issues' and would like to hear how other people on the forum deal with them as well, such as;

- Knowing you'll never have children of your own?
- For those in Oz, we can't have a relationship recognised by the law.
- From my exposure to the gay world, promiscuity is everywhere - are any guys ever faithful for more than a weekend?
- I don't know any gay role models!
- Reaching the point in your life where your looks can't get you by anymore.
- Having to constantly come out to people in your life - like any time you start a new job for example.

A. There's nothing preventing you from having children, there are pleanty of ways for gay mean to have children, the most common of which is adoption. And you can always go the artificial insemenation route.
B. Yea well most gays can't have relationships recognized by the law, we all have to deal with it. VOTE and change your lawmakers.
C. That's a myth, there are pleanty of guys out there looking for a long term relationship, i'm one of them.
D. There are pleanty of gay role models, look them up online! Also, why do you need a gay role model? Be yourself.
E. That's bes what you mind is fo boi! Get you edjumacation.
F. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. And if you feel like you don't want to, who cares how they react? If they have a problem with it, don't work there.

You're stuck in this OMG i'm gay depression, exaggerating all these troubles and hardships you're going to face as a way of justifying your feelings od self doubt. There are always options and different ways of acheiving the same goal. Being gay isn't a huge black tumor on your face you're going to have to live with. It's just another part of you, no different than the rest. In other words, it's a mole-hill, not a mountain .

 

[colemanshs]

I'm going through the same things. That is why I'm glad to be a member here at JUB. The information on here is extremely helpful. It has been a great resource for me just by browsing the forums and checking out how the other guys that are on my level are coping with their sexuality.

Browse the forums and listen to the advice given. It's a gold mine.

 

[sb]

- Knowing you'll never have children of your own?
- For those in Oz, we can't have a relationship recognised by the law.
- From my exposure to the gay world, promiscuity is everywhere - are any guys ever faithful for more than a weekend?
- I don't know any gay role models!
- Reaching the point in your life where your looks can't get you by anymore.
- Having to constantly come out to people in your life - like any time you start a new job for example.

These are the things that get me down! Depressing post i know But do these things effect others as well, and how do you come to terms with them?

* Your sexuality doesn't determine whether or not you can have children of your own.
* Heaps of countries don't recognise gay relationships. Why do you need the law to recognise your relationship? If you love someone, you love them... nothing changes that.
* You said you live in a small place so your exposure to the 'gay world' is limited... there are lots of relationship focused gay guys. There are lots that arent.
* There are lots of gay role models but finding out about them would be hard in a small place.
* You should never get by on your looks... how boring.
* I don't come out to people anymore... I just am.... they get the drift. Its not an issue.

I come from a small Australian town... I came out to all my friends and that there... they were all supportive... but a few of the townsfolk were braindead idiots, there isn't much for gay men in small towns so I moved to Sydney..... you should move to a city. There are so many positive things about being an out gay man that you rarely have to worry about the negatives.

 

[spreadeagle]

I have two children with a lesbian mum.

No doubt the law in Australia will change. With an Australian passport you have free entry into New Zealand where gay partnerships ARE recognised in law.

Since you're closeted your exposure to the gay world will probably derive largely from mainstream gay media and events like the Mardigras - it's ONLY the provocative, promiscuous behaviour that gets media attention. There is a whole other network of gay people doing everything together from tramping to gardening to swimming to writing to hang-gliding to knitting to outboard-motor-maintenance - you name it. Gay people have been living together discreetly and leading perfectly humdrum suburban lives for centuries.

There are many highly successful gay role models in the worlds of theatre, cinema, entertainment, the arts, business, politics and sport - google www.famousandgay.com. It is not necessary for you to know someone personally or even for them to be alive for them to be a mentor to you.

When hormones rage, sex assumes paramount importance and physical appearance is at a premium - but the fear you raise is felt by men and women, gay or straight - we all age, but you can age gracefully. As time passes people in long-term relationships increasingly report that what they value is the intimacy with another person - appearance and physical passion are less important than trust, familiarity and shared history.

The most important person to come out to is yourself - everything else is negotiable - sometimes it's appropriate and sometimes it's not.

 

[stonegrill]

Where are you from? Cultural background?

I am also at the early 20's. I was in your shoe months ago. I was desperately looking for a gay model and the role model I had at that time was Anderson Cooper as he strives himself to the top, but shamely without coming out. Anyhow, but later I realized that we are the generation for break through in our life. I have to challenge myself to work hard and be strong to show people that I am GAY. Once I am at that point, I don't feel any need of a role model as we are a newer generation which break through the way of living in this world. It is depressing as we don't see light from the end of the tunnel, but it is our turn to creat light for the next generations. So as long as we stick together, strive together, we will be the role model.

Anyhow, another thing I want to tell you is to work hard, earn enough money to move out to place where being gay is not a shame.

"Imagine the shit he would cop at school". In a gay-friendly environment, bullies do happen but not frequent.

"every child needs a mother figure". that is not true. You know there are so many people with abusive parents. Having a mother doesn't mean you will have love. As along as you can provide enough love for a child to grow, a mother figure is not that important at all. It's all about love.

I hope you are better. Don't give up.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Aus,

From one aussie to another...G'day mate and welcome to JUB...I know its cliched but what the hell....

Mate...these concerns are all real and important to you...but there is a far bigger issue here...and thats your acceptance of yourself, who you are and what being gay really means to you finding happiness. And mate the answer is very little.

Coming to terms with being gay can be a hugely daunting task and often we battle to deal with the shattering of our dreams and the visions we had of how our life would be...the wife, the kids, the picket fence, settling down with no sideways looks or glances. We lose what we THOUGHT would be happiness and struggle at least initially to find a way to redefine and rediscover how we can achieve as sense of achievement, satisfaction and joy out of our lives.

It doesnt matter where you live or that our relationships arent validated by a worthless piece of paper here in OZ. That peice of paper does nothing to hold together the 50%+ of hetero couples splitting and divorcing. Your inability to have children will only be limited by your desire to be a loving giving caring and compassionate father. Your looks fading and not getting you where they used to is the start of people knowing and seeing the real you...the deeper sincere less superficial you. That people have to actually talk to you, get to know you is a good thing... and you dont have to come out to anybody. Thats your choice. You have no need to validate anyone elses opinion of you nor do you need to prove anything to anyone else.

And as for role models mate.... there are enormous amounts of people right here on JUB, in this section, hell even on this post that are worthy of admiration and pride. A role model doesnt have to be some media created pop star celebrity that we should be fawning over. Hell the most important role models in a child life are their parents...why should we think that anyone other than a loving concerned caring protective member of our community isnt a role model. You're surrounded by them mate...

I'm in a town of less than 12000 Aus. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive and in a lot of ways I'm closer to them than ever before. Dont underestimate the value that you hold to those around you...

Dont let the semantics prevent you from the crux of the problem here.

I admire your strength Aus. You have faced a huge decision and you've had the enormous courage to be honest and open. Thats something to be very proud of and its that same courage that you need to call on again. Your life is full of endless amazing opportunities that you dont know exist yet. Yes they are different than the ones you expected. But they are there and they are yours to reach. Your values, your morals, your determination...all the things that got you this far will carry you through.

You can be happy. You will find opportunities to love and be loved. You dont have to conform to the stereotypical gay mould. You can achieve and become a role model for others. You just have to let yourself know that its OK. That you're ok and that you are worth that happiness. That you are worth that joy. You are mate...and you not only have a right to it you deserve it.

Being gay is only a part of you. None of the other things that made you the person you are changed 12 months ago with your realization. Dont give up on your dreams. Just let them change and be part of your new life.

Sorry if any of this seemed harsh...I just want you to know that you are accepted seen and understood. You are who you are. You are worthy and valued. Being gay is just another facet to the complex creature you are. Dont let it wear you down and grind at you. You are better than that and the happiness you deserve is yours to be found. Just keep looking mate.

 

[Soilwork]

- Knowing you'll never have children of your own?

Of course you can. You just might have to get creative. I don't know the laws, but finding a surrogate mother isnt' impossible.


- For those in Oz, we can't have a relationship recognised by the law.

Nor do we in the USA. But you will and so will we.. you can't stop rights.. just slow them down.


- From my exposure to the gay world, promiscuity is everywhere - are any guys ever faithful for more than a weekend?

Of course they are. But you don't find guys like that in bars... you find them in other places.


- I don't know any gay role models!

you find those in other places too. Join a gay soccer team or a gay softball leauge. There's probably nothing like that in your town, but there are in Sydney and Melbourne. I think you might fit in in the gay scene in Melbourne a bit better.. it's more laid back and less about the party than Sydney, but Sydney is a beautiful city that I personally hope to live in one day. I'm in a gay motorcycle club here in California and can't imagine any better way to meet men to hang out with and have fun with and maybe even find a BF.


- Reaching the point in your life where your looks can't get you by anymore.

Yeah, that NEVER happens to straight people, does it? And you know.. I know lots of older men who are SO happy in their lives becuase they have more than just sex and partying.


- Having to constantly come out to people in your life - like any time you start a new job for example.


you know you don't really have to constantly come out to people.. I mean, yes, your friends, but as far as co-workers goes... I've never really told people I work with, it just comes up eventually.