Coming to terms...

[hotandwet]

I don't usually post life stories on here but i'm in the mood so here it goes...

I just turned 20 and I'm coming to terms with my sexual identity. I've known I was attracted to guys since i was 10 I thought everyone liked guys but I later came to find that wasn't the case. As i got older I began to understand what gay was and that it wasn't something you wanted to be. So i repressed my feelings so that no one would know i was gay. I used to tell myself i'm not really gay and that I was bi or something, but at the end of the day i knew what made my dick hard. I'm very straight acting and no one has any idea i'm gay. I think people would be very shocked if they found out.

This past year I started to see a psychologist because i have a lot of issues with myself mainly because i've hid and lied to myself for so long. So i got the courage to call someone up and get help. So basically for the first 2 months talked about my problems the non-gay issues that are really issues because i am gay. So i never told my shrink i was gay. So i talked about my issues and it's really helped me overcome the issues i have like depression/anxiety. So i thought it would be time to talk about the gay issue... It was really hard to tell my shrink that I'm gay because i'm so deeply closeted you don't understand. I hadn't even admitted being gay to myself prior to me telling my shrink. So i told my shrink i'm gay... it took me 3 weeks to do it lol. I had told her i had a secret that i really wanted to tell her because i felt it would solve a lot of my problems. But i was so scared and had a panic attack in front of her and wasn't able to tell her till 2 weeks later. And when i did i felt such a relief!!! Like a part of me was complete or somethin i dunno how to describe it! but after i told her i felt like i could tell the whole world!

But than i remembered how much my parents hate gays cause there crazy ass hardcore christians! I still feel ashamed for being gay but i am coming to terms with it and i'm slowly coming out of the closet... very slow... I just don't want to be seen as different! I don't want gay to be all of me... I don't want people to treat me different because i'm gay. i'm very straight acting i'm not flamboyant i don't want to go runnin around carrying rainbow flags at pride that's not the kind of person i am. I like guys and that's about as gay as i get

Anyways i posted this because i want to meet people like me who are coming to terms with there sexual identity, i have no one to talk to about this besides my shrink at the moment.

 

[luminum]

In an ideal world, people who react 'correctly' to yoru coming out wouldn't treat you differently, because they'd understand that being gay is just about who you like. That, too, however, is in an ideal world.

The truth is that being a gay man is more than just about liking guys. It's not because every gay man in the world wants to let everyone know about his business. It's because right now, as you can see with your parents, gay men and women are in a position where they are abused just because of who they like. They're not being abused because they carry pride flags or go to parades. Fundamentally, they're being abused because they like people of the same sex.

So I'm laying it out there that you may have to be prepared to fight for your right to be treated as a normal human being despite your sexual orientation. I also say this because you may very well find yourself in a position where you ARE carrying a pride flag because it symbolizes what you want: equality.

It's great that you're talking to your psychologist. She can probably help you a lot and I assume by your post that she accepted it well. I too saw a psychologist when I came out to my parents (though not of my own choice). He ended up being very affirming, and he helped me sort out many of the issues in my life, though in the end, I stopped seeing him because of college and the issues we began to talk about weren't resolved the way he wanted them to be (like my parents and I working together in sessions to handle my sexuality).

But I would take your time. Coming out is about you (which is where it becomes more than just 'liking men'). Coming out is an affirmation that you are who you are and that you don't wish to continue living a lie or putting up a facade. It's also an often times unnoticed act of trust and love between you and who you tell because you are demonstrating honesty in letting them know who you are and love in that you trust them enough to tell them and care that they know more about who you are.

So in a sense, it's a lot. Some may argue that it's not a lot, but it's all very relative. But regardless, it's personal and because of that, it's up to you and your comfort level. So don't rush into things. You seem to still have a lot of things you need to work out (the guilt you mentioned) and you can do that with your psychologist.

Slowly and surely with her help, I think you can find yourself in a place where you are confident enough and sure enough in your identity to come up with a plan for when youw ant to come out and arm yourself with the patience and understanding it takes to come out to unsupportive parents and help them through it.

Keep posting here. There are many guys who are going through what you're going through and who have already gone through what you're going through. We're here to help you.

 

[8tomtoms8]

Hey Hotandwet,
You remind me sooooooo much of myself. I'm an acoustic musician, a real estate investor, a home owner, etc. I don't care anything about antique and flower shops. I don't go to Pride parades. I guess what I'm saying is I'm just a normal guy trying to make my way through life - and truly loving it!!!! I love all my musician friends and love what I do. So I'm attracted to guys more than girls, big deal!!! I think you will find as you get older it's not such a big deal being gay.
Your parents probably won't embrace the "gayness" thing right away, but the thing is that is something you ( and them for that matter) have no control over.
My family will never embrace me being gay but I live MY life. They don't live it for me. I don't waste much time worrying about what someone thinks of me. I just try and be the best Tom I can be. You'll find as you do that many people will love being associated with you in any way they can.
Don't beat yourself up for something God gave you. He made you gay for a reason and you need to trust that. It may be many years before you know his reason and you may never. But I don't believe he fucked when he made any of us"queers". Love ya man!! Tom

 

[slobone]

That's a great breakthrough, congratulations.

I usually advise people to "come out, come out, come out" but in this case I think you should take it slow. Let your shrink help you figure out what to do and don't do anything that's going to traumatize you. I would especially NOT come out to your parents at this stage.

But again, good for you dude -- I hope things get better for you from now on!

 

[confusedboy23]

It's a very brave step you've taken to see a 'shrink' to deal with your problems.

Congratulations on taking the first step to you living a happier life!

Anyway, as has been mentioned here, coming out is not about anyone else BUT yourself. You have take your own time and do it in your own way. There is no cookie cutter approach to this. Besides, at the end of the day, your sexuality is YOUR business, not anyone else's.

I just hope will things will be better for you in no time.

 

[RicanDAB]

Hotandwet ... we're definitely here for you man !

Congrats on coming out to yourself and to your therapist. It was a big step and I know the awesome feeling, having come out not too long ago myself. Everyone has a right time for them to come out, and oftentimes it happens to be when you get really tired of the lying, the cover-up stories and the avoidance. That was me.

Even though I am out, I don't now have a rainbow flag sticker on my car or anything. No need for me to scream it out to the world, but on an as-needed basis it will be known. For instance, if you insist time and time again on trying to hook me up with girls, that's when I'll tell ya. I am comfortable with my life not being on display to the world but at the same time I no longer make efforts to hide anymore. It's so much more liberating to just live and let live.

 

[mexamor]

That is so awesome for you, very powerful and brave of you. As I agree with the other posters I want to add that recently I was talking to a very good friend of mine about sexuality in general (yes he knows I'm gay and he is str8 Mormon clergy) and he said he was tired of everyone using labels for each other and even on ourselvs. He said we are sexual beings period. So I agree with that and I think that basically that is what others have basically said. You Are. Good luck to you. I think I can safely say that we all love you and support you.

 

[rareboy]

May your life be happy and filled with contentment. Congratulations on achieving this breakthrough. Stop feeling guilty. God had nothing to say about homosexuality, only Leviticus and St. Paul seemed to feel the need to chat about it. You won't find anything in speches or tablets delivered by God or in homilies delivered by Christ

Christians are not opposed to homosexuality. Some denominations and individuals are.

Good luck with the next steps. There are many here who are living testaments to lbeing out, gay and happy.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Great breakthrough. Stay on course.

Keep in mind that you have got your life to live and that really boils down to you and you alone. You are 20 now. The importance of your parents and their conservative views in your world is probably still very significant.

As soon as you gain a modicum of independence, things will start changing drastically. And, indeed, they should be. There is this great world out there for you to conquer and wonderful places for you to go and experience your own fulfillment and happiness and joy.

No one has got any legitimate right to pry into your bedroom. What you do behind closed doors with other consenting adults is only for you and for them to judge about. This is not about being gay or not. This is about being your own man or not.

Be prepared to negotiate anything and everything in life. The issue of your own independence and your own right to do as you find fit however, can never be subject of any debate or negotiation. No one goes there and no one touches that.

SC

 

[hotandwet]

Thanks everyone for ur posts! I really appreciate all of your responses. Thanks

 

[BiGuy8705]

I was in the same exact position 4 months ago. (I'm 20 also). I always try to come up with a new years resolution. This year... I realized I wanted to be happy... and knew that meant I had to admit to myself that I was into dudes, and maybe even find happiness with a guy. Since then I got taken to my first gay club, messed around with a few guys, and met my amazing new bf...

Sounds like you're on the right track!!

 

[hotandwet]

I'm back and with good news!

Over the weekend I went home to see my sister in law before she left cali to go back home. I was thinking that maybe I would tell her I'm gay before she left, but when i got home I felt like I couldn't so I decided I wouldn't tell her. So like the next day we were talking about religion and stuff and I was telling her my views on opinion and how I think the bible is wrong and other shit. And she asked me, "like the gay thing" And i said yeah and started talking about that. Than she asked me if i was gay!!! Now usually I would've lied and just said no but i'm sick and tired of lying, especially to myself... so i said "What if I was..." was the look she had on her face when i said that, than she had this look on her face . Than she was like "you are huh?" I just kept saying "What If I was..." So i didn't really give her a straight answer but she knew.

So when we got to home (All this was in the car) I told her we need to talk later. So we talked a few hours that night about the whole thing and I told her everything. And she told me a bunch of personal things about her that she's never even told my brother. It's really nice to have her and be able to trust her and her trust me.

It feels good to be able to have someone to talk to now besides my shrink about this. She was also telling me that she had thought that I might be gay and even talked about it with my brother. She said he asked him what if i was gay, and she said that he wouldn't care b/c i'm still his brother So now i feel comfortable about telling my brother when he comes home from deployment.

 

[jockboy01]

Great news about your sister in law. And with the whole process in general.

I just want to add about the being gay defining you issue. I know exactly how you feel. And I will admit, that it isn't easy to find guys out there where being gay isn't their defining characteristic (dkonfrost can tell you how frustrated I get with that). But they do exist. When I came out, I felt the same way... that I didn't want it to define me. And to this day it doesn't. It is a bit of a hinderance b/c I think some gay guys can't understand how being gay is only a part of person, but overall it feels good. I'm the same person I was before I came out, but now people know. And those that try to pigeon hole me into the "gay category" quickly find out that square pegs don't fit in round holes. So it's possible. Congrats on the great news!

 

[luminum]

That's great, man! I'm very happy for you!

 

[trawler69]

That's great man I just hope others will learn from your post. Really pleased for you, it is rarely as bigger deal than we think it is, the problems are almost always our own and not with others although we keep reversing the real situation in our minds.

 

[hotandwet]

Thanks guys i really appreciate the positive feedback i'm getting. I feel really good about life in general right now.

 

[chobbs]

I feel like I could have written this myself. I just sent you a message, and would love to talk to you. Hit me up whenever you get the chance.