Comming out in a messy way!!

[skyhigh87]

Hi guys, I'm a long time viewer but first time poster!!

I've been in the closet for all my life and I'm 25 now!! I've never had a relationship with a girl or guy, I have known I was gay since I was about 12, anyways recently I've been getting drunk a lot and the truth has been coming out, slowly. I don't think I would ever have done it sober but recently I've been getting depressed with alcohol, and this just isn't like me, I'm normally a happy guy off alcohol, anyhow, a few weeks ago I did the usual went for a few beers with mates, had one to many, all was ok, towards the end of the night when everyone else had gone, we were waiting for a taxi, and I just came out to him there and then!! I felt quite good but even though I seen him regularly since we have never spoken about it, I seem to remember him saying he will always be my mate and there for me!! Good stuff!!

Anyways more recently went out and got absolutely steaming and went home, had to wake mum and dad up as I had lost my keys, anyhow when I went in, I just burst into tears and told them there was something I needed to tell them, both were shocked but said they didn't care and had no idea, although I'm sure they did... So my question to you guys is what now? I wish I hadn't done it drunk but have wanted too for a while, I don't have any gay friends so to speak, and I have never been to a gay bar etc? Also where I live is quite a secluded place, I'm just after a bit of advice on what next and any other experiences similar? Thanks xx

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, it's obvious to me that you needed to come out badly, and drinking just broke the barrier of fear in your head.

What you need to take from this experience is that it doesn't matter that those two encounters were awkward - they were both POSITIVE. It's always scary and awkward at first, with or without alcohol, but it's now been twice you've come out to people and it's been a smooth ride both times. Take that fact and turn it into strength, and then start coming out to more people, this time sober. You've already told your parents and that's the hardest part of coming out. Everyone else is replaceable, cynical as that sounds.

I'd also recommend talking to your friend about it again. Not in some dramatic way, just casually tell him you're sorry you told him while drunk instead of sober, and that if he has any questions about it, you'd be happy to answer them.

The biggest secret about coming out is that nobody cares as much as you, and the more you don't treat it as a big deal, the more nobody else will.

 

[skyhigh87]

Thanks, I will give it a go, if I can muster up the confidence, the most scary thing is what am I going to do next time I'm drinking, I'm seriously considering giving up drinking for a while!! I don't go out too much because of my job but when I do I binge and that's not good anyway!! Yes they were positive but I wouldn't want that to happen again, the moment I woke up I felt awkward, and couldn't look anyone in the eye, I am not ashamed of who I am, it's just that everybody in my village will look at me in a different way, and I don't want that.. I know it's know one else's business but its quite a close knit place,

Thanks for your advice, my dad seems to have just ignored it, like I haven't told him anything, and we talking fine, but I've already had the , your still my son and always will be awkward talk hehe thanks xx

 

[skyhigh87]

*off my mum*

 

[Rolyo85]

Actually, it's everybody's business, like it or not. And they will look at you differently? So what? What anybody else thinks is none of your business or responsibility, all that matters is how YOU feel. And being gay is magnificent, so I have no idea why anybody would be ashamed of it.

Second - if the place you live in isn't gay friendly, you have a responsibility to yourself to move to a place that is. This process is not as easy as saying it, but it is quite a bit easier than many people make it to be in their heads.

Third - binge drinking is obviously not ok, whatever the reason, but I believe that the more you have the courage to come out when sober, the more both your need to get schwasted AND your urge to blurt it out once you're there will disappear.


And once again - people take their cues from you. As long as you think it's a big deal, so will those you tell. As long as you're ashamed of it, they'll get the vibe that there's something to be ashamed of.

And if I ask you directly, would you be able to tell me what is there to be ashamed of?

 

[ratmac]

On the topic of drinking, if it making you depressed you need to slow down.

I only say this as I am the same age and I also get depressed after drinking, its not too bad but I kind of get angry depressed, feel sorry for myself and although I have now I identified that it is binge drinking that does it and I rationalize it at the time but you cant escape the heavy feeling.

You should be careful about drinking to justify things to yourself. If you start to think the only way you can come out is by drinking you start to associate that loss of control as a way of dealing with things, its really not worth the trouble it can cause.

As one of the guys said, just use the fact that the people who you have told have no issue with it to give you confidence that you can do it sober.

 

[skyhigh87]

On the topic of drinking, if it making you depressed you need to slow down.

I only say this as I am the same age and I also get depressed after drinking, its not too bad but I kind of get angry depressed, feel sorry for myself and although I have now I identified that it is binge drinking that does it and I rationalize it at the time but you cant escape the heavy feeling.

You should be careful about drinking to justify things to yourself. If you start to think the only way you can come out is by drinking you start to associate that loss of control as a way of dealing with things, its really not worth the trouble it can cause.

As one of the guys said, just use the fact that the people who you have told have no issue with it to give you confidence that you can do it sober.

Hi there, thanks for your reply, I'm usually really happy off drinking, I'll have to see what happens next time before I give it up, I have to make it clear though that I don't binge drink regularly, I probably only go out maybe once per month due to work and awkward times working through night, weekends etc, I don't ever drink in the house etc, only when I go out, when I go out I maybe go out at 2pm and am back home for 11 ish, midnight because I'm tired.

I'm not justifying myself either, it's literally I have a bit to much then I say a bit too much hehe my parents seem to be absolutely fine with it my dad is just as normal, and every so often my mum asks a few little questions.

I suppose I'm only classing my drinking as binging because I don't drink regularly, but when I do go out I just drink the same amount as everyone else, never drink shorts or shots either just don't like them.

Really appreciate any input though, now I just feel kinda awkward but not in a bad way!!