Comparing one to another

[JimLahey]

I had a hard time letting go of a relationship of mine. The age old straight guy problem. I won't get into that whole story I'll just give you the bare essentials. This guy was the most compatible person with me I've ever met. He's 25 years older than me, and I did eventually own up to my feelings for him, but things are cool now.

That's a very long story turned short. I've known him for 5 years, I lived with him, and haven't had such a compatible person in my life. I'd like to say I'm over him, I know for a fact we won't ever happen. Problem is if he were to say one day "I'm gay let's get together" at this moment I'd drop whatever I'm doing and go straight there. I have no significant other currently so why wouldn't I? But that makes myself feel like I'm still holding on to something that just isn't there.

I find that anyone I've ever dated since I've really just compared him to this friend of mine to some degree. Not in terms of physical attraction but for the level of compatibility and ease of conversation. I know this isn't fair for anyone in the future I ever date, who knows maybe I've already ruined a potential relationship. Unfortunately I'm not exactly out there dating a lot, it's hard to find older available men in my area, and school is always a nice fall back excuse to be a recluse!

In your opinion is this just a bad friendship? I love this man and his son like family, I just can't seem to have how I felt about him and have that happen with anyone else. Am I just setting my standards too high, and setting them up for fantasy? Do I just sound like I simply haven't let go? What should I do with our friendship?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Obsessions and infatuations don't make relationships.

 

[JimLahey]

I'm not looking for a relationship with this friend, I know we aren't happening. I full out asked him if he wanted anything more, he said he was flattered but he's straight and I completely respect that. I just miss having that close friendship we had and haven't found that in anyone else. I don't know maybe I just find it rather depressing the most significant relationship of my life was with a straight guy and wasn't romantic in nature. I'm not his friend because of an infatuation... that kind of developed late in to this friendship.

 

[pausanias_usa]

You've said the things you needed to say:

1) It's a dead end, and

2) You can't move on as long as you are caught up in it.

It will take time, but gradually block thoughts of him out of your mind and date, make new friends, whatever it takes to keep you busy. It will pass. You may even find when he realizes you are no longer obsessed, he can be good friends again. But not right now.

 

[JimLahey]

Well the thing is he calls me every week since he's moved, the guy still likes me. I've gone on dates, made some friends, I'm going to school. It would be weird if I just suddenly stopped talking to him... we're mutually good friends, I encourage him to ask these girls out he says are interested in him. Apparently now isn't the right time, due to lack of money etc... but it's been that way for years. Honestly I don't think he's moved on from a couple of things which can be summed up with this sentence: "You're the best thing to happen to me since my wife died" I guess it's nice he thinks fondly of me, and we get along so well... I just want to get along with someone as well as I do him. I know these things have a way of answering themselves, just getting myself thinking and get advice along the way.

 

[LutheranGuy]

Comparing relationships will choke all relationships.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Well the thing is he calls me every week since he's moved, the guy still likes me. I've gone on dates, made some friends, I'm going to school. It would be weird if I just suddenly stopped talking to him... we're mutually good friends, I encourage him to ask these girls out he says are interested in him. Apparently now isn't the right time, due to lack of money etc... but it's been that way for years. Honestly I don't think he's moved on from a couple of things which can be summed up with this sentence: "You're the best thing to happen to me since my wife died" I guess it's nice he thinks fondly of me, and we get along so well... I just want to get along with someone as well as I do him. I know these things have a way of answering themselves, just getting myself thinking and get advice along the way.

You're infatuated with him. Your feelings aren't grounded in reality. You can argue with me all you want but if what I said were false, you would have moved on already.

Another factor is that you are potentially enabling each other. Perhaps you need a break from him so you can move on and get your life together. Either way, your attachment to him is currently unhealthy because it is impeding your progress in your emotional and romantic life.

I've had exes (and one or two friends) who have felt this way about me. They thought I was perfect for them and that everyone else that came along in their life would never compare. However, they were wrong. It's easy to think that way when you're all caught up in the emotion of it and we all long for a sense of belonging, love, completeness, etc... but we can be misled by our desires and our feelings in ways that skew our sense of logic and reasoning.

Again, my advice is to take a break from him. Tell him what's going on with you and if he's such a great guy, then he will understand.

 

[JimLahey]

Are all the views on this because of my poor choice of words?... Honestly I didn't even intend that, it's funny now though. Sorry to anyone who though I was whipping it out with someone else!

You're infatuated with him. Your feelings aren't grounded in reality. You can argue with me all you want but if what I said were false, you would have moved on already.

Another factor is that you are potentially enabling each other. Perhaps you need a break from him so you can move on and get your life together. Either way, your attachment to him is currently unhealthy because it is impeding your progress in your emotional and romantic life.

I've had exes (and one or two friends) who have felt this way about me. They thought I was perfect for them and that everyone else that came along in their life would never compare. However, they were wrong. It's easy to think that way when you're all caught up in the emotion of it and we all long for a sense of belonging, love, completeness, etc... but we can be misled by our desires and our feelings in ways that skew our sense of logic and reasoning.

Again, my advice is to take a break from him. Tell him what's going on with you and if he's such a great guy, then he will understand.

Well good news is I have a date (finally) on Monday night. Bad news is he called me yesterday and he quit his job. He's going to get unemployment benefits and look for a better job. He's always showed me his resumes I know he's not screwing around when it comes to looking. The problem is this isn't the first time he's done this. The bigger problem is I know he's going to ask me for help. If history has taught me anything is that it repeats... so I know he's going to ask me for help, financially speaking. He's paid me back before, it just took a long time, but he's already in debt to me right now. An even bigger problem is I'm probably going to help him out... because I'm the world's biggest sucker, and I'd hate to see his son have nothing, again.

I know you're 100% right, I know that's what I need to do, and it sucks because no way around it he's been a terrific friend to me, and has always had my back. I just don't have the foggiest idea of how to bring this up, or even if I could articulate it. I get tongue tied pretty easily so I'd probably have to write it out. I'm just afraid it's a friendship I'd have to permanently sever and that just leaves me with very few caring people in my life. I'm sure I can find more, but this is more like family.

I'm sorry I had to vent this one out a bit. I'm going to talk to him. I just feel crappy about it.

Thanks guys.

 

[Kyanimal]

Hey, Jim!

Every relationship is a unique entity unto itself. Comparing one to another is a frustrating endeavor playing with "apples to oranges", "peaches to bananas", etc.

Don't fall into that.

Rather, ENJOY your various interactions in their own light. Cherish each for their own special qualities. No ONE relationship is gong to mirror any other. Relish the Individuality of all those you may encounter!

That may mean quashing your own desires, if that point is apparently mute, and there is no way it will be reciprocated in the manner you might come to wish. Accept it for what it's Truly worth, and enjoy it for what it IS!

As for the financial stuff? If you are comfortably able to help out, and don't mind the "Money Aspect", hold in mind that Money isn't "worth" anything until it is used for something. And, there are things, like close relationships, that are far more valuable than some random engraved Paper!

Do what FEELS Right, and don't sweat the rest!

We are all spiritual beings enjoying a temporary physical existence. Most of our regrets come from what we DON'T Do!

In ALL things ... Follow your Heart! It will seldom lead you wrong.

Of course ... and I mean this quite Seriously ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[JimLahey]

Hey, Jim!

Every relationship is a unique entity unto itself. Comparing one to another is a frustrating endeavor playing with "apples to oranges", "peaches to bananas", etc.

Don't fall into that.

Rather, ENJOY your various interactions in their own light. Cherish each for their own special qualities. No ONE relationship is gong to mirror any other. Relish the Individuality of all those you may encounter!

That may mean quashing your own desires, if that point is apparently mute, and there is no way it will be reciprocated in the manner you might come to wish. Accept it for what it's Truly worth, and enjoy it for what it IS!

As for the financial stuff? If you are comfortably able to help out, and don't mind the "Money Aspect", hold in mind that Money isn't "worth" anything until it is used for something. And, there are things, like close relationships, that are far more valuable than some random engraved Paper!

Do what FEELS Right, and don't sweat the rest!

We are all spiritual beings enjoying a temporary physical existence. Most of our regrets come from what we DON'T Do!

In ALL things ... Follow your Heart! It will seldom lead you wrong.

Of course ... and I mean this quite Seriously ... No Matter What ...

Keep Smilin'!!
Chaz

Cool thanks Ky

You post some nice things, I see why you always say keep smiling... I have no doubt you follow that yourself as much as you can. I never placed much value on money, my relationships with those around me have always been more important. I just don't want to be "taken for a ride" so to speak. It's hard to have someone need me so much, when the love isn't reciprocated. I know he loves me so that's not entirely true and I know he cares about me like I was one of his own. He's told me enough, so at the very least I've got a great friend, and I'm more afraid of losing that. I've got some figuring out to do, maybe a phone call to make after work tomorrow... but a date on monday so well that should be fun

 

[Seasoned]

How are things going?

You don't necessarily have to break things off in these situations but you do have to think about things differently and process thoughts differently, but that's true whether or not there's a separation.

You are capable of having a close emotional relationship with another person, but probably not with the next person you meet.

Be wary of a financial complications with your old friend.

 

[innocentbychoice]

I had a hard time letting go of a relationship of mine. The age old straight guy problem. I won't get into that whole story I'll just give you the bare essentials. This guy was the most compatible person with me I've ever met. He's 25 years older than me, and I did eventually own up to my feelings for him, but things are cool now.

That's a very long story turned short. I've known him for 5 years, I lived with him, and haven't had such a compatible person in my life. I'd like to say I'm over him, I know for a fact we won't ever happen. Problem is if he were to say one day "I'm gay let's get together" at this moment I'd drop whatever I'm doing and go straight there. I have no significant other currently so why wouldn't I? But that makes myself feel like I'm still holding on to something that just isn't there.

I find that anyone I've ever dated since I've really just compared him to this friend of mine to some degree. Not in terms of physical attraction but for the level of compatibility and ease of conversation. I know this isn't fair for anyone in the future I ever date, who knows maybe I've already ruined a potential relationship. Unfortunately I'm not exactly out there dating a lot, it's hard to find older available men in my area, and school is always a nice fall back excuse to be a recluse!

In your opinion is this just a bad friendship? I love this man and his son like family, I just can't seem to have how I felt about him and have that happen with anyone else. Am I just setting my standards too high, and setting them up for fantasy? Do I just sound like I simply haven't let go? What should I do with our friendship?

It seems like you still have feelings for him. And it also seems like you idolize him a lot, meaning that you've put him in such a high pedestal (which might be unreal and somehow fabricated by what you think you see in him, not by what he really is) that it's hard for you to feel attracted to others...Whatever level of compatibility you think you have with him, you can also BUILD with somebody else that you like, if it's not there initially. Relationships are built you know? It's not magic or love at first sight all the time.

 

[altlover85]

I hope things are going well for you JimLahey!

How did the date go?

How is your friend doing?