Complicated (but isn't everything)

[willtate]

Heys guys,

This is going to be long and maybe a little rambling, I apologize but it's the total truth and something that I've never fully and completely put out there to anyone.

I'm not even sure where to begin..I am in my 30's, divorced and have struggled with my sexuality for an awful long time. Unlike some if I were/am gay I wouldn't feel shame for that, not sure I'd be comfortable coming out but I don't believe I'd struggle with the feelings of shame that some do. I have lurked here and other sites for some time and have a ton of admiration and respect for the community and for those that seem so secure in who they are.

I struggle to define who I am gay, bi, straight, confused or just a head case. To start I was molested as a preteen (11-14) by a male so I don't know how much that has to do with my eternal struggle. Also I've had a medical condition with my pituitary gland where early effects seen in the pubic region (my dick is fine 6' I feel its small but whatever) which I feel like has given me somewhat of an unhealy obsession with cocks..

In my teens (after the molestation had ended) I dated and was attracted to women. There were times where I'd find myself crushing on close male friends, I don't recall having sexual attractions to them but do remember feeling an emotional attraction.

At about 20 it was discovered that I had an issue with my pituitary gland and I began taking testosterone injections and thats really when I pin point a change in my thoughts.

Like other victims of sexual assault I struggled with the fact that I remember enjoying the feelings I got while being assaulted. It was and is something I still think about but I remember thinking about it more and more after I started on the testosterone. About six months after I'd started to take the injections I met and fell in love with a woman. Around this time I began to find the act of man on man sex even more intriguing.

I was living on my own in a city away from family but didn't have the drive, courage or curiousity to act out on my impulses. I began watching/viewing gay porn regularly and started masturbating with anal toys. As my relationship progressesd with the woman my "gay habits" would come and go, often only rearing it's head while I was drunk.

I discussed it with her as I'd also developed a bit of a fetish for cross dressing. We were young and both fairly inexperienced but she was open to trying things and on occassion she'd dress me up and participate in ass play. Over time my thoughts and desires would seemingly disappear and sometimes I'd go over a year without a "gay thought" even entering my head. We got married, bought a house and lived a pretty normal straight life.

After a few years our marraige began to fall a part. This had nothing to do with my questioning sexuality but was a result of me working way to much and her feeling like she'd married far to young and had missed out on life. She went to stay with here family for a bit as she tried to decide whether she wanted to work on our marraige or not. I was depressed and as most do began to think of everything bad that had ever happened in my life and of course the focus went to the assault that I'd endured.

I began to research more about the results assualt can have on you as you grow older and as I was very emotional started to read more about my medical condition this all again led to me questioning my sexuality which led to me again viewing gay porn, gay websites and maturbating with anal toys. One night I got blindly drunk and ventured to a bathhouse. I was hammered and shouldn't even have been walking the streets but I gave a blowjob to an older man..I left there not knowing what to think of myself or what happened.

My wife came home and for almost a year we tried to fix our marriage and the "gay thoughts" were again a non issue. It didn't work we decided to seperate and almost immediately I began a sexual relationship with another woman. The pattern continued for a few years I'd date a woman, it would end, then I'd start up with the gay porn, gay chat etc.

Still only having that one drunken gay experience I decided to accept the fact that I must be bisexual. But in all honesty the act of gay sex is much more of a turn on to me then guys. Like I don't think I ever look at guys and think "god he's hot" but I've often thought that if I met I guy and fell for him I'd happily embrace that relationship.

So about two weeks ago for the first time (sober anyways) I hooked up with a guy (mutual oral,hj, kissing) and the experience was pretty meh to me I mean who doesn't like getting head right lol and the kissing was okay but the experience wasn't what I'd built it up to be. I wasn't a big fan of the feeling of touching a man as I love the soft silky skin of a woman and I didn't really get into the whole oral thing. He was uncut and as I'm cut I find the look of a cut cock much more appealing. It's tough to explain but it's almost like I'd find a cock that looked just like mine the biggest turn on.

Anyways I left the hook up feeling as though it wasn't for me but was glad I"d finally experienced it. After sometime has passed I think maybe i should try it again.

Now I don't believe that sexuality is an either or thing, I think that there is a ton of grey areas from one person to the next. I don't know if I'm doing all of this because subconsciously I think that if it feels right with a man it justifies the feelings i had when I was molested...I just don't know any of it...pretty screwed up about it all.

Thanks to any of you who took the time to read through this novel. It feels good finally getting it all out of me...

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. You can be proud that you were able to get all this out. It is always best not to carry around secrets as they feed on themselves and can even make us ill. I imagine you've uncovered the most complex part of abuse, namely the pleasure component. That's way too confusing for a person who is sexualized by force or coercion and emotionally immature. I am so sorry that you were sexually violated.

Have you search out any therapists who specialize in these types of issues? I think it's important for you to sort out your thoughts, feelings and desires. You also need to heal or to develop strategies for continuous healing as issues rise to the surface. Your instincts are correct; you probably can't do it alone.

The secretive nature of your same sex encounters may not be a clear indication of what is truly possible to achieve with another man because, in some ways, they mimic your abuse in as much as they are furtive.

I really think you'd be best served by excellent therapy but do shop around for the best available.

I wish you one main thing, piece of mind. Best wishes.

 

[willtate]

Welcome to the forum. You can be proud that you were able to get all this out. It is always best not to carry around secrets as they feed on themselves and can even make us ill. I imagine you've uncovered the most complex part of abuse, namely the pleasure component. That's way too confusing for a person who is sexualized by force or coercion and emotionally immature. I am so sorry that you were sexually violated.

Have you search out any therapists who specialize in these types of issues? I think it's important for you to sort out your thoughts, feelings and desires. You also need to heal or to develop strategies for continuous healing as issues rise to the surface. Your instincts are correct; you probably can't do it alone.

The secretive nature of your same sex encounters may not be a clear indication of what is truly possible to achieve with another man because, in some ways, they mimic your abuse in as much as they are furtive.

I really think you'd be best served by excellent therapy but do shop around for the best available.

I wish you one main thing, piece of mind. Best wishes.

Thank you so much for the response. I went to therapy in my teens but as ridiculous as it sounds until I wrote this today I had thought I'd coped with/dealt with everything fairly well. I mean I've maintained relationships, work hard, no addictions (other then smoking) contribute positively to society etc

But in getting the whole story out there and seeing in layed out in front of me I see how destructive my behaviour has been...and clearly there is work to be done.

 

[TurdPuncher]

i'm sorry for your early sexualization, and i do think you should seek therapy as seasoned stated.

that said, you are living far too much inside your own head, rather than just going out and experiencing life. you dwell and obsess on whether or not you're gay or bisexual, while never pursing a sexual situation. when you do, you psychoanalyse it to death, whereas it was no fun. just let an experience be an experience, be that awesome, amazing, blah, or awful. stop trying to label yourself. just try to find a path that feels right for you and you only. don't give a fuck about what your parents or society might think. try to blaze your own path.

 

[KaraBulut]

Therapy is probably a good option for you- not because of your sexuality issues but because of the impulsiveness of your behavior and the conflict that you feel over it.

What people do in their fantasies is harmless. If you and your partner are okay with you playing with dildos or cross-dressing, there's really no issue with that. If you want to introduce fantasies about sex with men into your personal fantasy life or your sex life with a partner, there's nothing particularly novel about that.

Objectively, you would be classified as bisexual because you fantasize about men and women. The issue is that you're unable to accept these fantasies for what they are and you find yourself being pulled in two different directions- one direction in your real-life relationships with women and another direction in your fantasies about men. The choice between gay and straight is one that you've created, as is the tug-of-war that ensues.

A therapist can help you find a way to accept your sexuality for what it is instead of having it be a battle between being gay or being straight.

 

[willtate]

Thanks for the responses. After getting this out of me and the responses I've gotten from Seasoned I've reflected a lot and joined an abuse survivors forum.

I recognise my behaviour hasn't been healthy whether it's coping with what happened or struggling to accept my orientation. I've often been guilty of living inside my head to much.

I'd like to believe that it is less a struggle of my sexual identity then my coping as I don't feel like I'd have any problems if I could accurately identify just who it is I am. But again further therapy may help on that path.

 

[willtate]

I just wanted to come by here and update this. It's been a long process but within the past few weeks I came across malesurvivors.org and was so overwhelmed to find so many who shared the same issues as I have. I don't have all the answers and likely won't but I am on the path to understanding. Straight, gay, bi or whatever it doesn't really matter (and there is no denying that I've at the very least had bi sexual tendencies) which I'm coming to understand is a fairly normal result of what happened to me as a kid. I spoke with a therapist today and am beginning the process of healing with him in the next week. I want to sincerely thank those that responded to this post initially and to those who privately reached out and expressed concern. I will forever be grateful and thankful for the warmth I received from this community.