This is sort of a long story, but I'll try to keep it brief.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up after 15 months of being together. We moved in together last August and are in a lease for the next 2 months. He's been sending me a ton of mixed signals. But, first some background.
He is an international (we live in the US), has applied for his business visa and is waiting to see if he's been selected. With all the applicants he has about a 60% chance of being randomly selected, but he won't know until as late as the end of September. His family is also going through turmoil at home. His father had an affair and he feels that even if he gets his visa he may return home within the next two years or less, but ONLY if his mom asks him to. Btw, he is not out to his parents. They have no clue he is with me, as he fears he would be ostracized from his family (he's originally from Indonesia).
A few days later, I found a suspicious email on his computer. He had a sex club ad up (something he would never look at), so I took a look at his email. He had been emailing a guy whom I had never met. First it seemed innocent. But he also emailed an old face pic of him to the guy, the guy returns with kissing emoticons, etc. In another they talk about how cute each other is, again with the kissing emoticons. Most disturbingly, he sent the guy pics of him WHILE we were on vacation together. I confront him about it and he lies that the guy is even gay - which I got him to admit. Then tells me he was just flirting. I asked him to please stop, as I am not comfortable with this going on.
Then about a week later, he hands me a letter after we have sex. In it, he tells me how much he loves me and how I was so good to him, etc. and then follows with how he has lost the passion. He says how he basically doesn't like bottoming and that it is also very hard to top me. I've been getting into bottoming lately and am starting to enjoy it, but it doesn't always work out. I told him this takes time to work on, and in long-term relationships the passion starts to fizzle after a while and requires work. But in it he suggests living apart, as our relationship started out long-distance in the hopes of re-igniting the passion.
We both took a couple of days to think it over and I asked him what he thought. He didn't really say anything. He isn't the best at communicating his feelings. I said after thinking it over and discussing it with some close friends, that I think he wants to break-up. He said yes. Of course, I was devastated, we both cried. But I tried to remain strong and tell him I can't force him to love me. I didn't bring up the suspicious emails I found during this conversation, but we talked about everything else I've mentioned. We also decide when the lease is up in 2 months, we will get our own separate places.
Now that we are broken up for just over a week or so, he is still trying to initiate a lot of physical contact. He has kissed me a couple times before he goes to work while I'm sleeping (I work 12 hour nights, he works 9-5 days), cuddles up next to me in bed when I'm there, sometimes holding me really tight. I don't know how to respond. I honestly like it when he holds me, but feel confused. We also went out only once together but with a mutual friend. He asks me if I would get back together with him, or is it too soon? I said yes it's definitely too soon. Plus there are some issues we would have to resolve before getting back together. He rubs my leg while we are out as well and when she leaves starts crying and telling me how I am the perfect one, not him. Is he guilty of something?
But he has also been hiding something from me. He's been entering a password on his phone, going to the lobby of our building to talk to his "mom", texting furiously but turning so I can't see his phone, putting his phone on silent and upside down. All things he has never done before. I happened to spot him receiving a couple texts from this other guy who he was previously emailing. The other guy even called him one time. I saw it when he had the phone laying out and he was in the other room. I told him you're getting a call. He looked at the phone with dread and didn't answer it... its after that he started putting his phone upside down.
But he keeps doing all these other things, sweet-talking me, smiling at me, physical contact, saying he will still cook for me after we move out, go shopping with me, asking about getting back together all the while he's been doing this other crap.
My question is how to interpret this situation. My heart is truly broken, but I still have feelings for him. Do I confront him about the other guy? Do I ask him what's going on in his mind? I feel like he wants to play around without me knowing about it, but keep me at his side still. Even though I have no iron-clad proof he's done anything physical, it's definitely at least emotional. Since we also have opposite work schedules, I have no idea what he's up to when I'm working. I'm so confused, heartbroken and frustrated at this point, I don't know what to do. I haven't approached him about any of this since our break-up, because frankly I'm not sure what to think. Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up after 15 months of being together. We moved in together last August and are in a lease for the next 2 months. He's been sending me a ton of mixed signals. But, first some background.
He is an international (we live in the US), has applied for his business visa and is waiting to see if he's been selected. With all the applicants he has about a 60% chance of being randomly selected, but he won't know until as late as the end of September. His family is also going through turmoil at home. His father had an affair and he feels that even if he gets his visa he may return home within the next two years or less, but ONLY if his mom asks him to. Btw, he is not out to his parents. They have no clue he is with me, as he fears he would be ostracized from his family (he's originally from Indonesia).
A few days later, I found a suspicious email on his computer. He had a sex club ad up (something he would never look at), so I took a look at his email. He had been emailing a guy whom I had never met. First it seemed innocent. But he also emailed an old face pic of him to the guy, the guy returns with kissing emoticons, etc. In another they talk about how cute each other is, again with the kissing emoticons. Most disturbingly, he sent the guy pics of him WHILE we were on vacation together. I confront him about it and he lies that the guy is even gay - which I got him to admit. Then tells me he was just flirting. I asked him to please stop, as I am not comfortable with this going on.
Then about a week later, he hands me a letter after we have sex. In it, he tells me how much he loves me and how I was so good to him, etc. and then follows with how he has lost the passion. He says how he basically doesn't like bottoming and that it is also very hard to top me. I've been getting into bottoming lately and am starting to enjoy it, but it doesn't always work out. I told him this takes time to work on, and in long-term relationships the passion starts to fizzle after a while and requires work. But in it he suggests living apart, as our relationship started out long-distance in the hopes of re-igniting the passion.
We both took a couple of days to think it over and I asked him what he thought. He didn't really say anything. He isn't the best at communicating his feelings. I said after thinking it over and discussing it with some close friends, that I think he wants to break-up. He said yes. Of course, I was devastated, we both cried. But I tried to remain strong and tell him I can't force him to love me. I didn't bring up the suspicious emails I found during this conversation, but we talked about everything else I've mentioned. We also decide when the lease is up in 2 months, we will get our own separate places.
Now that we are broken up for just over a week or so, he is still trying to initiate a lot of physical contact. He has kissed me a couple times before he goes to work while I'm sleeping (I work 12 hour nights, he works 9-5 days), cuddles up next to me in bed when I'm there, sometimes holding me really tight. I don't know how to respond. I honestly like it when he holds me, but feel confused. We also went out only once together but with a mutual friend. He asks me if I would get back together with him, or is it too soon? I said yes it's definitely too soon. Plus there are some issues we would have to resolve before getting back together. He rubs my leg while we are out as well and when she leaves starts crying and telling me how I am the perfect one, not him. Is he guilty of something?
But he has also been hiding something from me. He's been entering a password on his phone, going to the lobby of our building to talk to his "mom", texting furiously but turning so I can't see his phone, putting his phone on silent and upside down. All things he has never done before. I happened to spot him receiving a couple texts from this other guy who he was previously emailing. The other guy even called him one time. I saw it when he had the phone laying out and he was in the other room. I told him you're getting a call. He looked at the phone with dread and didn't answer it... its after that he started putting his phone upside down.
But he keeps doing all these other things, sweet-talking me, smiling at me, physical contact, saying he will still cook for me after we move out, go shopping with me, asking about getting back together all the while he's been doing this other crap.
My question is how to interpret this situation. My heart is truly broken, but I still have feelings for him. Do I confront him about the other guy? Do I ask him what's going on in his mind? I feel like he wants to play around without me knowing about it, but keep me at his side still. Even though I have no iron-clad proof he's done anything physical, it's definitely at least emotional. Since we also have opposite work schedules, I have no idea what he's up to when I'm working. I'm so confused, heartbroken and frustrated at this point, I don't know what to do. I haven't approached him about any of this since our break-up, because frankly I'm not sure what to think. Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
I still care about what he's doing and that he seems to be having such a wonderful fucking life with this new guy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.