Complicated situation

[dmsk42]

This is my first post here, so I figured I'd say hello, and I have a bit of a sticky situation I could use some advice about.

I've been casually seeing this guy for about a year and a half now, and to be honest I am completely head over heels in love with him. He never really wanted to commit to me because he said a relationship wasn't what he was looking for, and though he cared about me he would always tell me how he was no good for me and it would be better to keep things casual until we eventually find something better. The thing is, I was always so happy with what we had, but we definitely had our shares of ups and downs.

The real problem comes in the past month or so with a bad series of very stressful events happening all at once to the both of us, I was beginning to feel like he was getting tired of me. He didn't seem to have that much interest in me, and I was hurting thinking that I was putting any extra stress on him. I was and still am crazy over him, but the combination of seeing him not really have interest in me as well being scared of the fact that I was so invested in him without really knowing how he felt about me was starting to drive me to believe that things weren't going to last much longer. The problem with him is that he always wears such a poker face about everything, and I guess that's just who he is, but it was very difficult for me to ever gauge how he felt, and he would never really answer my questions with a straight answer when I would ask him.

So, the last two weeks or go another guy started showing interest in me. I had turned down many people in the last year and a half I had been seeing him because even though we weren't officially in a relationship, I was happy with him. But this time was different, I felt so hopeless like things were going so badly and that he also always would tell me he wanted me to find someone better that I could call a boyfriend eventually, just it might not be him. I've been talking to this second guy, and I have done NOTHING with him besides just hanging out as friends. Haven't even kissed him. But I felt out of respect I should let my first guy know what was going on.

I let him know what was going on, and that was when I really saw how he felt. I never imagined he could be so hurt or upset over me, I honestly had no idea that he was so emotionally invested in me. He never let it on or anything, and he got very angry and said that he was changing his mind about us being friends and he didn't even want to meet me face to face to discuss it. I let things cool down for a day, until I contacted him the next day and let him know that he was always my first choice and I can't go through with dating this second guy knowing how he felt, so I broke it off with the second guy. He was not as angry but still very confused and hurt, and he said he needed time to think. We talked more and he came to understand that I was the one who was approached, and I hope he believed me when I told him I have not done anything with him besides hang out and talk as friends. I would've never taken it any further without letting him know because like I said I love him and respect him. But now I'm worried that he's hurt and doesn't want anything to do with me... which isn't what I wanted.

To be honest, I realized after thinking too I was more interested in the idea of a real relationship than the second guy himself, which was wrong of me. And I want more than anything to make it right to my first guy, and I told him he means more to me than the idea of a relationship, and it's not worth losing him.

So here I am now, we're agreeing not to speak and just think for a little bit. After the second time we talked, he seemed noticeably calmer but still really hurt. This happened yesterday, and I'm just at a loss of what to do. I do want to give him time to think, but I just want to know if there's anything I can do to make things right. This whole situation was so complicated and I don't even know where to go from here so any advice would be appreciated.

 

[bw92116]

Send them both to my house and start over.

I'm kidding! I think guy #1 was a little deceptive to you. He never committed to you, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, he said he's no good for you, he said to keep casual. He was very clear about not wanting a relationship with you.

Then... when you tell him you've met guy #2, he flips out. Well, what the hell did he expect? He basically rejected you while still getting the benefits he wanted from you. Then when you suggest you're cutting loose from him by going with another guy, he freaks out. He can't have it both ways.

You don't owe guy #1 anything.

Don't blame yourself for any of this. As I see it, you've done nothing wrong.

Pick which guy you want to be with, and be with him. You will have to pick just one, and end it with the other. You can't be with both at the same time. There would be jealousy and hurt feelings.

 

[swerve]

You are in a messy situation...

And, although I believe that guy #1 initially didn't want a relationship, etc -- when you confronted him with your current situation, he realized how awful it would be to be without you...

So -- I think the time off to think isn't such a great idea...

At this point -- I would lay it all on the table with guy #1 (the guy you WANT to be with) -- and tell him that it will NO LONGER work for you WITHOUT a COMMITMENT...

Don't blame him OR yourself -- people change over time and it is what it is...

HOPEFULLY, he'll choose YOU WITH the commitment...

IF NOT -- well, then you are at different places in your lives where you NEED different things...

I hope it all works out well for you...

Keep us posted...

Oh -- and WELCOME to JUB!!!

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JUB!

It sounded like your first guy is indecisive...or controlling.

1. He is indecisive to commit to you. Maybe he is waiting for something better to come along. Then he'll drop you like a hot potato.
2. Or he is controlling. He is trying to control whom you should or should not date. But it is perfectly fine for him to date anyone he pleases...because he would use the excuse that you two are not in a committed relationship to begin with.

You are truly looking for a long term relationship. The first guy told you flat out that he is not willing to give it you. Do you really want to continue to invest your time and energy on him? It is a waste of your time and energy if you ask me. BTW, you should not feel guilty at all for what happened to you and the second guy. You were not wrong.

Be in control of your own life. Here is your opportunity to tell him what you want. TELL him (not asking for his permission) that you still want a committed relationship with him. Is he in or out? If he's out, then you are free to date anyone you please. You two can still be friends. His guilt trip will not work on you the next time.

The decision is yours: be in control of your own life...or let him run your life (run you over).

 

[dmsk42]

I do want him back more than anything, but I want us to be able to speak and come to a decision when things have cooled down. I already told him I don't plan on pursuing anything with anyone else right now because after the last two days and everything we said I don't think I could handle it. Originally he was telling me he didn't think we could ever speak again when I first told him, he was very angry. He would always tell me how he would be my friend no matter what, and then when this whole thing came up he told me he changed his mind and didn't feel we could speak anymore! So, while I do believe it was wrong what he did and he should've told me how he really felt so this whole situation didn't happen, I still don't want to lose him and I would feel better with him now that I have some insight on how he truly felt about us.

Bw, I truly want him back, I know that for a fact. I just know he's hurt and the problem is the reason why he was so hesitant to go into a relationship at all was because his last ex cheated on him. That's what I'm scared of is him seeing this as me cheating on him and not wanting him in my life, when it's the opposite; I told him out of respect what I was doing even though I had no obligation to do so. I don't want him seeing this as a repeat of what happened to him with his last ex. I definitely didn't want to hurt him.

Swerve, that's what I want to do. I just don't know when would be the right time to do it. A lot has been said these past two days and I don't want to push him, but I want him back so bad and I want things back to the way we had it. He already told me he can't promise me things will go back to the way they were even after we speak again, and I can understand why he would feel that way, but I just want to try something to fix things and put everything back to the way it was. Or at least to where we can get back to comfortable speaking terms. So, would it really be a good idea to bring it to him today? We only agreed to take time to think yesterday. I'm still debating whether I should wait a few days or just try to speak to him now...

And you're right Hunter, he was indecisive and I can see that. That's why although I want to make things okay with me and him, I don't think I was in the wrong. He isn't the type to date around, I know that. I am very close to him and I was the first person he started seeing since five years ago. He just leads a very busy life and I don't think he was ready to commit to anyone because he wasn't sure of what he could provide. I could always tell even if I thought he was losing interest in me as someone he was seeing, I knew he cared for me as a friend. I never doubted that much. That's what makes this so hard because I know he's a real good person, just very indecisive and afraid.

 

[bw92116]

Why do you want him?

 

[dmsk42]

We both get along great, we could talk for hours, and we both have very similar ways of thinking and interests. I have a chronic illness and he'd always make it a point to come see me and help me out when I was down on my ass, he was a busy guy but when it came down to it if I needed him he was there. He makes me feel very safe when I'm with him too, and I know I can trust him. Although he's indecisive he was always very kind to me besides just this past incident, we didn't really have big fights so much as just occasional disagreements. And the sex.. god damn lol we have great sexual chemistry. The only thing that drove me nuts, like I said, was that he holds his feelings in about certain things and will not let them be known unless he's backed in a corner, like these past few days. He seems afraid of being vulnerable. But I know I want him. I know it sounds crazy and the whole situation doesn't paint him in a good light, but I know the past year and a half was something I do not regret and want to keep going.

 

[HunterM]

If you want him (based on what you have written)...you HAVE TO ACCEPT the way he is. Know what you are losing and what you are gaining to be with him. You cannot change him. You can only change the way you deal with him. Can you accept that life?

 

[swerve]

My response is actually VERY similar to Hunters...

And that is why I suggested that it was time for the ultimatum -- RIGHT NOW -- while emotions are BARED and UNGUARDED...

1 -- YOU WANT a COMMITTED relationship...

2 -- EITHER he DOES or DOESN'T...

Don't sell yourself short and THINK that YOU can CHANGE him...

It IS what it is -- and ACCEPT that...

There DOESN'T NEED to be any hostility...

jmo...

 

[dmsk42]

That's what I think I'm going to have to do.... I'm just worried because he seemed set on telling me to go with this other guy even though I could tell that wasn't what he really wanted. The second time we spoke he was very insistent on just telling me to go with him instead, but I guess after all that I realize that wasn't what I really wanted. I feel like I made some of this mess too, because you're right, I didn't accept things the way they were and I doubted what he felt for me. So, I'm definitely going to try my hardest to make things right. I can accept what we had especially now that I've gotten a little insight on what he really feels. You guys are great and thanks for the welcome. I will keep things posted on how it goes.

 

[Rolyo85]

Ok, I will be Captain Blunt again. To me there are two elements to this story:

1. Your guy #1 sounds like a GINORMOUS asshole. What's worse, you completely let him set the rules by instantly acting sorry and apologetic when he flipped out. You validated his anger and now YOU are the bad guy for hurting HIM. Instead of calling him on his obvious contradiction, you threw yourself on the ground begging forgiveness, promising you will be chaste and virginal and not even look at another guy until he deems you worthy again. This is Manipulation 101 and you played right into it every step of the way.

I have been in your shoes, and I know the drill. I know how it goes, and what we tell ourselves, even to the point of "he wears such a poker face". Lucky for you, I speak Douchebag, and I can translate for you. When a guy says "I am not looking for a relationship", he means "I am not looking for a relationship with you" or in rare occasions "I'm damaged goods and at the moment I am going to fuck up a relationship", though few guys are aware that's what they mean. And then when you keep being "with" someone for a year and a half, but not really with them, that's called "abusing other people's feelings". He might not do it on purpose, but I assure you part of him is aware of the control he obviously has over you.

Now, other than a ginormous asshole, he also sounds disgustingly unstable. Saying one thing and then throwing a hissy fit indicating the opposite is not only indicative of immaturity, but also of a violent lack of emotional control. And the "I was cheated on" excuse is bullshit. Translating one bad experience into "every guy is trash and I'll totally be cheated on by everyone I date" is another sign of immaturity. So what, he was cheated on and now you have to tip-toe around him and be always mindful of not making him feel jealous or suspicious, or instantly hurt over nothing? Bullshit. You do not want a relationship with someone like that. I'm not asking you, I'm informing you - you DO NOT want a relationship with someone like that.

He might have great other qualities. The guy I had this story with (though it only lasted a few months) was incredibly smart, sensitive and we agreed on so much stuff. He was wonderful... and he also wasn't. He was very damaged, and his intelligence and sensitivity were masking horrible personality problems that were not apparent on the surface but which would never allow me to have a successful relationship with him. I am not saying you are in the exact same situation, but think VERY hard about whether you really want him "more than anything" and whether what you want is what you need in the long run. And think real hard also about how much of your feelings for him are a year and a half worth of habit.


2. You have problems that you need to work on. You acted completely spineless (no offense, I am not saying you are generally spineless), and your attitude here reveals guilt that should not be there. You might know that you did nothing wrong, but you feel guilty. You talk about all the placating things you said to him, when instead you should be angry. And - sorry to say - you acted like an asshole yourself when you just dumped guy #2 in your panic - which is likely what guy #1 was going for in the first place. Whatever justifications you've come up with since then, however you've persuaded yourself that you didn't really care about him, you clearly liked him enough to hang out with him more than once. That's a shitty way to treat someone who likes you: "OMG my fake boyfriend freaked out so gtfo!" Not cool, man.

You are the slighted party in this story. You have to act like that. There is nothing to "talk about" and "discuss". There is a simple statement: "I don't know why you freaked out when you had given me completely opposite indications of what you wanted from this, but I care about you and I want to be with you. I might meet other people now, but that's because you haven't given me what I want from you. I don't want to be with someone else, I want to be in a committed relationship with you. Your choice."

And that's that. No "omg let's be friends!" bullshit, no conditional situations, waiting and thinking. You've been together for a year and a half, casually or not. By now he knows. Whatever he might say, he knows. SO he can be in or he can be out, and if he is out, you will not remain friends. You have never been friends, so there is no reason to suddenly become friends now. You were something else, and if that something isn't meant to evolve, it will die, and your contact with him will end. I know it's sad, but it's also healthy. What you are doing now, the way you're acting, the role you've assumed - that's not healthy. You're letting yourself be abused, and whether he's aware of it or not, he is taking the opportunity.

Make a decision, and stick by it. But think hard first if you want someone who trusts you so little and who manipulates you in such way.

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh, and ps, let me tell you a little secret - it feels like the world until you meet someone who loves you back without a "poker face" and mixed signals, who is "looking for a relationship" and will commit with no reservation. Then you realize how... incomplete what you have right now is.

 

[Seasoned]

You say you want him back, but you never had him to begin with. He can't have it both ways unless you allow it. He wants you permanently at arms length. That's not what you want and he knows it. This isn't a relationship; it's an arrangement.

My advice? You take the intitiative and tell him what you want and need. I don't think he's able to provide it. Don't settle for a crumb when it's possible to have the entire cake. Good luck.

 

[dmsk42]

I know it was a shitty thing to do to the second guy. But even before all this happened I let him know right off the bat I wasn't ready to jump into anything with him and I wanted to see how things went... I was interested in him when he approached me but I definitely did not want to jump into things straight away with him. And even after all this, I still wouldn't be able to. I'm starting to realize that now and I talked to him as well. He was cool with it and we agreed that we're not going to specifically pursue anything further. But I know that was still an asshole thing of me to do either way, he might not have reacted so kindly and I appreciated the way he handled it despite all my drama going on.

Either way I know I have to confront him that if he feels this strongly, he should commit to me. If he doesn't, I honestly probably will just need some time to myself to let my feelings settle out so I don't do something like this again and hurt someone who might not be able to take it so well...

I don't know, maybe it is all habit, that's sort of why I gave into the thinking too because I also thought maybe I need some time separate from him to decide what I really want. I still haven't contacted him yet, and I was thinking that either way it might be good for me to get some insight on being without him. He has been a huge part of my life for a year and a half and you're right it might just be habit.

It's hard to explain how I feel, it's not so much I'm not angry and don't feel he's not wrong, but I guess I'm just an idiot for him. Guess there's a reason I'm so hesitant to text him and tell him I want him back right now... Maybe I just need to decide to cut it off too for the best? Even though it hurts like hell :/

 

[Rolyo85]

I like this post a lot more than your previous ones. You seem like you have the potential to be smart here. Love is not always smart. And some times it's just wrong. And some times it's not real. Take some time off and think about it.

And don't forget - if he makes no attempt to contact you, that tells you something about his feelings as well.

 

[justanothershyguy]

I think you and guy #1 need to sit down and have a civil chat about your collective feelings. I think it's obvious you weren't doing this to hurt anyone, but the lack of commitment from him has caused multiple people to be hurt. I also think it's important that you take that time to make everything official, whether that's a relationship or not.

One thing I have noticed is that guy #1 seems to be severely lacking confidence and self-worth. If you really value any kind of relationship, build him up as much as you can. To me it seems obvious that he feels something for you because of his reactions, but obviously I don't know for sure.

In the long run, you need to be thinking about what's best for you. If guy #1 continues to hurt you emotionally, then it's not him. Sometimes the truth hurts, unfortunately.

I hope everything works out and good luck.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I think the first guy was giving the OP mixed signals but being together for a year and a half and have NO commitment is a red flag. Just my opinion. I think the OP knows in his heart the first guy is wasting his time. I think the OP should ditch the first guy and go and try to get to know the second guy. No point in being with someone if he cannot give you the attention you deserve.