Compliments - can you deal with them?

[Corny]

I'm kinda getting to know a guy at the moment - and he is someone who generously gives out compliments. I have no reason to believe that he doesn't mean it or that he is otherwise dishonest.

Maybe I am too hard on myself - I always think things like
"Ah come on .. he is exaggerating"
"No .. I can do this - yes. But others are much better/talented/experienced/smarter"
"What is he trying to achieve with that compliment?"

And I assure you - I don't really lack self-confidence. It's just compliments that somehow flatter me and make me suspicious at the same time

How about you?

 

[Joshua_me]

My shrink says that people who have a hard time accepting compliments usually are feeling guilty or shameful about something inside of them.

I'm not exactly sure if that's true or not, but I thought I'd put it out there.

Myself, compliments usually make me a little suspicious. Not always, I mean sometimes they can really make my day. But in general if someone says to me, "That's a nice shirt" or "You always make me laugh" my general default reaction is... Mmm hmm, what do you want ?

Pretty cynical, huh ?

 

[Joshua_me]

Oh, I forgot....

The, "I've never had someone so deep inside me" one is always nice to hear...

 

[Darkflower]

I'm with the "it depends on how it's said and who said it" crowd. I don't care for graphic, disrespectful remarks from strange men as I walk by them on the street, for example, but a wolf-whistle or a polite, friendly remark from a strange man is acceptable.

As far as friends or loved-ones go, I take their comments more seriously. It's nice to hear, but it usually makes me feel bashful, almost like I don't want to own that I'm pretty or smart or talented. I mean, I like it, but it's almost like I'm afraid if I give someone else the power to affirm me, I'm giving them the power to do the opposite. Even when I don't have any reason to believe they would.

 

[Kennylingus]

Eh, it's usually all about getting in my pants so I don't take them too seriously.

 

[StationToStation]

It's polite and a sign if one has good manners to treat a compliment as a "gift."

So yes I get compliments and I thank the person giving it to me, as if it were like a gift.

I also give compliments.

It really annoys me if someone brushes off my compliment, it's as if they hate my gift. And won't be deserving of another one.

It's a sign of healthy self security when one takes a compliment with grace.

 

[Under-taken]

once in a while is ok, too often and they just don't sound sincere anymore

I agree, and I'm not really good with them - or even giving them lol, they tend to incur awkward moments

 

[Joshua_me]

I'm much better at giving than receiving. I'm trying to improve on the receiving side, but it's so hard!

I know exactly how you feel....

*ahem*

 

[PolterGUYst]

I always say thank you, but I'm very modest and you can usually tell it in my voice, which is why most people say "no, I mean it" after I say "thanks". I almost sort of laugh it off, not to insult the other person or anything but as a sort of "ok, if you say so" kind of way. I rarely think that way of myself if somebody compliments me (which isn't exactly that often.)
I'm not a very suspicious person and I tend to think most people are sincere, and I hope they are.

 

[blackbeltninja]

I think it is possible to give too many compliments. Like you, Corny, I do wonder after a while what angle the person is going for.

Another thing I find suspicious is people who are too grateful. My best friend's fiancee has an annoying habit of thanking everyone for everything all the time, and more than once. I swear, I got thanked 4 times during the meal for offering a suggestion regarding a dish that particular restaurant is renowned for, as well as an additional texted thank-you for the advice later that evening. Too much, you know?

-d-

 

[freefall]

Most of the time I find myself brushing them away, especially when I myself know it isn't true. But experiences teach me that sometimes, the more you evade, the more compliment you will receive, which you will try to tackle again; hence the vicious cycle. Usually I change the topic after denying it thus.

For the others more trivial (or when I'm in a very good mood), I accept everything heartily.

 

[Alpha1851]

I think it is possible to give too many compliments. Like you, Corny, I do wonder after a while what angle the person is going for.

Yeah Corndog, how often does he sing your praises and are they specific compliments (the blue shirt you wore last Tuesday really showed off your amazing chest and I couldn't get the picture out of my head) or broad compliments (you look hot)?

Since you have high self-esteem, could it be that you're questioning his statements b/c you subconsciously view them as a waste of your time? He doesn't need to praise your good looks, your intelligence, or your wit--you already know your strong points, so move the convo/actions onto something that matters?

. . . as well as an additional texted thank-you for the advice later that evening. Too much, you know?

Bonus points if she sends a thank you card in the mail.

 

[Corny]

but a wolf-whistle or a polite, friendly remark from a strange man is acceptable.

Really? The whistle? I always though women hate that ..

As far as friends or loved-ones go, I take their comments more seriously. It's nice to hear, but it usually makes me feel bashful, almost like I don't want to own that I'm pretty or smart or talented. I mean, I like it, but it's almost like I'm afraid if I give someone else the power to affirm me, I'm giving them the power to do the opposite. Even when I don't have any reason to believe they would.

I don't have that "power over me" feeling. But if it is something coming from family I am more like "uh yeah .. sure you say that .. you are my mother."

Another thing I find suspicious is people who are too grateful. My best friend's fiancee has an annoying habit of thanking everyone for everything all the time, and more than once. I swear, I got thanked 4 times during the meal for offering a suggestion regarding a dish that particular restaurant is renowned for, as well as an additional texted thank-you for the advice later that evening. Too much, you know?

Is she american ? Just an experience I made plenty of times. If an american person thanks you WAY to much he/she just wants to express that he/she really IS grateful and just didn't say it

Yeah Corndog, how often does he sing your praises and are they specific compliments (the blue shirt you wore last Tuesday really showed off your amazing chest and I couldn't get the picture out of my head) or broad compliments (you look hot)?

Quite often - and always finds new things .. not ridiculous things, thins where you can make compliments - I just don't see many of them as so very special.

Another thing is that I somehow can't take compliments for things that I have no influence on. "You have beautiful eyes" - yeah .. sounds nice. But that is not my achievement, I never did anything for that.
Better compliment me for something that I have some kind of influence on.

 

[Darkflower]

Really? The whistle? I always though women hate that ..

Huh! I never thought women found that one particularly offensive. I think it's kind of old-fashioned and cute, myself!

I don't have that "power over me" feeling. But if it is something coming from family I am more like "uh yeah .. sure you say that .. you are my mother."

I asked my mom once, "well, what would you say if you thought I was ugly?" I'd just told her I thought she only said I was pretty because she's mom. She said she'd compliment my eyes or another specific feature. But I kind of agree that all moms probably think their kids are beautiful, which is how it should be, I think.

 

[orryyon]

Some people here seem to have self esteem issues. If somone compliments you (and it wasnt' due to fishing for one) say thank you. People usually don't give idle compliments unless they mean it. Even if they want sex its because you are attractive to them. No one said that its a get in free card. One can tell if sweet words are because of alterior motives. If sincere, I welcome compliments and dont' get hung up on the reason behind them .

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

Well the nicest thing I got called today was "Galactic Douche." So.. you're obviously a lot more likable than me.

 

[Corny]

^ I have heard otherwise here

 

[Sam Blum]

...Another thing is that I somehow can't take compliments for things that I have no influence on. "You have beautiful eyes" - yeah .. sounds nice. But that is not my achievement, I never did anything for that.
Better compliment me for something that I have some kind of influence on.

Oh dear, Corny, you don't have to have constructed everything about yourself to deserve something nice to be said to you! If your eyes are beautiful in shape, this is not the same thing as "beautiful eyes that tell me a poem of empathy and love." When somebody gives you this compliment, they are indirectly thanking you for that experience. Further, to compliment your body is to thank you for giving them a reason to smile or dream - don't throw that back at them!

Lucky7 is right that it can amount simply to trust concerns, but these concerns are as much about trusting our own ability to remain in some position of power or control in the discourse of the development of the relationship as about trusting the complimentor, don't you think?

Wheen we are unaccustomed to relinquishing sovereignty over our destiny, and that must happen when we accept a compliment for it is at that point that we recognise another's influence over our lives, we feel a little burp rise in our hearts and minds! That's all it need be. Better out than in, my friends always say - even the elegant ones! If you're embarrassed to begin accepting the compliments right away and with direct eye contact, maybe start with a hug saying 'thankyou' over his shoulder, then progress as your belief in both of you grows. But DON'T pat his back... I hope all goes well.

 

[pocono]

I rarely believe them....especially about my looks.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

I am flattered and usually give a smile or thank them. I love getting complimented, but I love giving them. I never give compliments unless I believe it...otherwise what's the point? To make some feel better? Hmm...usually I find my around lol