Concerns About Potential Relationship

[erobert]

This is probably premature to be concerned about since I've only been seeing this guy for almost 2 months and we're not in a relationship but am still interested in hearing people's thoughts since we are seeing each other since it's been bothering me for a few weeks.

I met him off of OKCupid and we texted for a few months before finally meeting up. In one of his getting to know you text he mentions he suffers from anxiety and depression which made me feel bad for him.... though I worry it might be worse than he let's on after hanging out a few times.

He also mentions he still lives at home (32 years old btw). Hmm.... OK well, I'm not going to judge since I moved back home due to a financial situation and bad economy. He has his own business and maybe he's saving up for a down payment on a mortgage....?

We agree to meet in person a few months back for the first time and dine out at a restaurant. Over dinner he's charming and cute in person albeit a bit quirky.

We go back to his (parent's house) and hang out there. See him a couple more times, fool around and realize he doesn't seem to be very active beside occasionally going out to ear and going to work. He came over to my place once to hang out and we also fooled around.

Though we don't do much beside watch TV... Him not being motivated to really do anything might be a bi-product of his depression? I'm the kind of guy who likes to be active and doing something outside or going to check out some place in town rather than sitting on the couch staring at a screen. Relaxing is fine but not for that long.

I also begin to notice the more we hang out he's not really asking me in depth questions about myself beyond what we texted about during the meeting phase.... hmmm. There's a lot of silent spans while hanging out too when I'm trying to make conversation (he might lack social skills?) Wouldn't someone interested in you be a bit more curious about many things about your personality and life in general. He discloses he's recently gotten out of a dysfunctional relationship and the relationship imploded due to communication problems among other things. Communication issues will kill any relationship if they aren't dealt with properly and that's a bit of a red flag. He also says he might also have Asperger's on the high functioning side of the scale.... hmmm. Getting a bit concerned now after hanging out for the 3rd or 4th time.

I wonder if I'm just someone to hookup with and stave off loneliness in between him finding the next relationship. I don't think we're on the same page since we don't see each other as much as I'd like to see someone I'm dating. And we just sit around watching TV and have sex when hanging out.... hmmm. What am I doing if this is case?

What was initial excitement has now turned to worry of what this is now. He's a nice and cute guy but might be wise to continue looking for a better fit.

Though, I'm a bit concerned I'm becoming less able, for some confusing reasons, to attract "normal", confident, well adjusted relationship oriented guys. The kind who are in high demand yet many of which I notice seem happily taken since in demand guy's don't stay single for long.

For whatever reason it seems you meet the right guy when you stop looking for him. That's how I met my former boyfriend, by accident almost and we turned out to be a good fit for each other too. It was great and we clicked from the first moment we met. Still miss him after 5 years.

Anyway, how should I proceed going forward? As friends? I'm worried rejection will make him sink deeper into depression. He's a decent guy but it's now apparent he just needs to work some things out though with himself and possibly his life... my experience trying to "fix" similar guys has ended in frustration since the scope of their problems is much beyond what I could handle.

Then again if I'm just a friend with benefits to him it's not that bad for me to focus on finding other guys. Maybe I'm wringing my hands over not much... What do you guys think?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK most important first = you can't be responsible for his mental state. That's called co-dependence. If it's not working it's not and you owe it to yourself to move on. Yes you can be his friend, if he's capable of that, but in the end the only person who can deal with his mental health issues is him.

It sounds like you already know what people are going to say. Move on, this isn't working for you and if you are wondering about his mental stability after 2 months, do you honestly think that is going to get better?

Also, there is no such thing as a "normal" guy, every one of us has something, the trick is to find those of us who only have something, and not a bunch of somethings;but you're right, take some time and work on yourself, hang out, have a good time and you'll probably trip over something else. Whatever he has to work out, he can do that on his own and then give you a call.

(r.e. the Asperger's thing, I've only run across that once and the guy, who admittedly was probably just making shit up, ended up using that as an excuse to be a total, manipulative, douche-bag.)

 

[Devois]

Not doing or talking much sounds like something that I'd probably do in his shoes. And if he's like me, he might simply not know what to do with you or say to you. What's more, if I think that someone has a much busier lifestyle than mine, I'm inclined to space our appointments further apart. Do you suggest things to do outside the house? Just because he doesn't take an interest in those things himself, it doesn't necessarily mean that he wouldn't appreciate trying them out now and again. Assuming all that is the case, you'll probably have a lot of work to do and that may or may not amount to much in end. But then if you're not meeting the confident, well-adjusted men these days anyway, don't you have the attention to spare right now?

 

[KaraBulut]

...Anyway, how should I proceed going forward? As friends? I'm worried rejection will make him sink deeper into depression. He's a decent guy but it's now apparent he just needs to work some things out though with himself and possibly his life... my experience trying to "fix" similar guys has ended in frustration since the scope of their problems is much beyond what I could handle.

This guy seems to have a basic understanding of his issues. What you didn't really detail is whether he's actively working on his issues. In the back of your mind, you're contemplating a future with him in it but it's not clear that he's working on anything other than today.

...Then again if I'm just a friend with benefits to him it's not that bad for me to focus on finding other guys. Maybe I'm wringing my hands over not much... What do you guys think?

There's nothing wrong with FWB if that works for both of you. It sounds like there's the kind of compatibility that makes for short-term convenient FWB arrangements but there's not enough compatibility for much beyond that.

Whatever works for both of you is fine... as long as you both are on the same page about what it is that you're doing. It sounds like you need to have the discussion with him to make sure he's in it for a FWB-only, that you're both free to see other people with the understanding that the "B" may get dropped from the arrangement if another relationship comes along.

 

[Seasoned]

Turn the tv off and talk to him really talk. Ask him about the issues he’s mentioned. Ask him if he was diagnosed or if he self-diagnosed. Ask him if he’s getting or has gotten help. Tell him how important it is for you to be active and your wish to explore life with a partner. Ask him why he lives at home. Ask him what he wants from life and from you. Tell him what you want and what you need. If you still think this is worth pursuing ask him how he feels about couple’s counseling.

Be upfront if you’re going to keep him around and hook up or date others.

 

[blooeyz]

Everyone is a bit odd once you get to know them.
Sounds like he checks some of the boxes, but you’re uncomfortable with those he has not. I think you should keep him in your dating pool and see how things progress while you date other guys too. Look, the real connection comes from the vulnerability of sharing who you really are. Don’t hide your desire. See if he steps up. After two months there’s some feelings there.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the replies and advice guys. I talked about it in regards to where he see's things going and he said he's not ready for a serious relationship... understandable since he just got out of one.

OK most important first = you can't be responsible for his mental state. That's called co-dependence. If it's not working it's not and you owe it to yourself to move on. Yes you can be his friend, if he's capable of that, but in the end the only person who can deal with his mental health issues is him.

It sounds like you already know what people are going to say. Move on, this isn't working for you and if you are wondering about his mental stability after 2 months, do you honestly think that is going to get better?

Also, there is no such thing as a "normal" guy, every one of us has something, the trick is to find those of us who only have something, and not a bunch of somethings;but you're right, take some time and work on yourself, hang out, have a good time and you'll probably trip over something else. Whatever he has to work out, he can do that on his own and then give you a call.

(r.e. the Asperger's thing, I've only run across that once and the guy, who admittedly was probably just making shit up, ended up using that as an excuse to be a total, manipulative, douche-bag.)

True, if I'm having doubts this soon- that's a bit of a red flag. Especially when we're not in a relationship except a probable FWB scenario. Another thing is his parent's (met them a few times since he lives at home) are probably under the impression that we're dating. Not really fair to them and it creates a bit of a weird situation.

There was also a bit of tension when getting intimate since he has a particular about his likes in the bedroom which I wasn't aware of leading to him being frustrated and grumpy afterwards. I can see the writing on the wall of the communication issues from his last relationship carrying over.

Finally the biggest thing is we're marching to a different tune. He's just wanting some fun for now on his terms and I'm wanting something a bit more serious than that. He's a nice guy but he has a bit to work on with himself Will have to have a talk with him about proceeding as friends. Guess I'll have to continue searching for someone who is more in tune with what I'm seeking.