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Confess something that might surprise others or damage your reputation on JUB - 2012

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well, i had like three crazy dreams in a row.


don't remember my first dream but i do remember my second and third. the second dream, it was a class reunion from grade school, high school, and college with random people i knew. one of them outed me and i flat out denied it. it then turned into a party in somebody's living room. at some point of the party, my brother was on the phone with my mom who just came from the doctor and she had some really bad news. it was something that i had to hear and it turned out that she had a serious heart condition which was irreversible and incurable which was pretty much going to kill her. i tried to act like i was okay, admitted that i was going to experience a nervous breakdown and was damn near ready to flip out. it was at this point where i was talking to two guys that were 2 grades lower than me in high school. they were pouring out drinks and i told them that i didn't want any. one of them caught an attitude when i said that, i got upset, then they started arguing and that was when shit went downhill. i just went off on them and pulled out a gun and shot the guy that caught an attitude with me although it didn't show me shooting him. he was on the ground and surprisingly, no bullet holes was shown on him and no blood was leaking out of him. he was just on the ground clutching his stomach and all. i was trying to shoot this other guy but he just back up on the wall while i hand my gun in my hand, having a fit. never was so mad in a dream before. i just spazzing out, threatening folks, cursing and waving around my gun in a burst of rage while some guy, i dunno if it was the other guy didn't look like it, was pushed up against the wall, looking at me really terrified in fear for his life. he looked scared as fuck.

now i can recall my first dream which was basically christmas shopping. we were going in and out of stores looking for gifts and i was looking for a video game for my brother as well as the strategy guide that comes with it. it was fun.

the third dream was me driving through irvington, seeing how the town got further ran down, driving a purple lambo speeding down a main street. i saw a house fire while i past by and i was about to run into some kids playing in the street.

but anyways, i don't know what it was but i confess to having suicidal thoughts this morning when i woke up. :##: i woke up feeling tired of life. i was just thinking to myself that i couldn't spend another year living or feeling like this. i was just feeling fed up. however as the thoughts about blowing my head off and slitting my wrist in a bathtub came up, i also thought about my mother and how much what i would have done would affect her. i hate seeing my mom all stressed out and in pain. i didn't want to make her even worse than she is by doing that. then i started to think about some happy thoughts and i went back to sleep. the thing that bothered me besides the thoughts was just feeling that i was living life feeling like there was no hope and that there was nothing or nobody in this world to stay alive for. it was like the way i was living now was the way my life was going to be forever. i was cringing and was like fuck this shit. at that point, i don't think there was anybody that could convince me to not off myself.

i was wondering if i should say this or not because i didn't want to generate any form of attention to myself or have people looking at me much more weirder than i already am. i also didn't want anybody to say anything about it telling me that i need help or acting worried and concerned. i don't feel like that right now so it's nothing worth to trip over. just disregard what was said.
 
refuji, just a few days ago I caught a post of yours where you were listening to music and you were as happy as you could possibly be. Now all of a sudden you're (briefly) feeling suicidal. And in a few days you'll probably be happy again.

Have you ever been diagnosed for manic depression/bipolar disorder? These SEVERE mood swings should be treated.

If you think back say 5 years ago or 2 years ago, were the swings worse back then, better, or much the same?

At this stage I'm worried that it gets SO uncontrollable that you risk harming yourself during a 'bad phase'.

You should see about possible medication.
 
ChickenGuy said:
refuji, just a few days ago I caught a post of yours where you were listening to music and you were as happy as you could possibly be. Now all of a sudden you're (briefly) feeling suicidal. And in a few days you'll probably be happy again.

Have you ever been diagnosed for manic depression/bipolar disorder? These SEVERE mood swings should be treated.

If you think back say 5 years ago or 2 years ago, were the swings worse back then, better, or much the same?

At this stage I'm worried that it gets SO uncontrollable that you risk harming yourself during a 'bad phase'.

You should see about possible medication.
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that's funny because i've been to a couple of shrinks over the years with mixed diagnosises. some thought that i was just fine, was faking it and was having adjustment issues. some of them thought that i legitmately had a mental issue where they wanted to give me meds. however, it was just me talking to them about why i came to them and that's what happened. it left me with more questions then answers. either way, it felt like a waste of time because we never got anywhere. i know i have to see another shrink soon but i'm hesitant though. it's a lot of energy and time consuming plus there's no guarantee that the shrink might actually be able to help. i dunno.

well, i would say that i think i started experiencing my mood swinging around back in high school. i believe that i was depressed though and that in itself really messed me up. i would say that my my mood swings were worse 5 years ago and past that then but since then in recent years, they remained the same. i actually expect it. like in that same post that you read awhile back where i said i felt good, i think i said that in a couple of days, i'll go back to feeling extremely shitty. it always happens. one day, i'm happy and feeling excited enough to do whatever. the next day, i'll feel upset, thinking about what's wrong with my life. to be honest with you, i don't think that i'm bipolar. depressed, yes but i'm not someone who is bouncing off the walls, hyperactive and etc one minute then crying my eyes out the next like one woman i saw on youtube.

i'm going to tell them to give me psychiatric evaulation at a mental hospital instead of having to go to a shrink. i'm tired of going to these shrinks and them literally having me sit there, where i'm trying to tell them everything and they go like whatever. one thing that pisses me off is that i have some ocd issues going on. i mentioned it to them and they skip over it as if i didn't say it. the only time i was able to get help for that was at a program where they were experimenting on me for research. :mad: it's really disheartening.
 
JohannBessler said:
@RJ, the only part of those dreams I'd feel comfortable with interpreting is the one about your mother having heart failure.

Putting the pieces together, it sounds as if when you came out to your family, your Mama took it the hardest (broken heart, heart failure...get it?)...is that correct?
None of the other dreams really make any sense to me. (They were pretty wild, weren't they?)

I agree with ChickenGuy. If those self-destructive thoughts become a pattern, you may have a mood disorder. In most cases, they can correct mood disorders quite easily these days. You might want to look into seeing a doctor. I see no reason why you should have to put up with those horrible thoughts.
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yeah, she did. she wasn't pissed off or whatever at the time when i did but she wasn't too happy about it. eventually things did get heated where we talked about it and she got pissed off with me to the point where she threatened to disown me.

the crazy thing about it is that i've been dealing with this for years now. it's almost like it's normal and expected. even when i was depressed and going through the ocd thing in high school, i didn't know how to deal with it so i turned to my mother who i was very close to at the time. she told me that nothing was wrong with me, that i needed something to do, that i was going through a phrase or whatever. it was almost like why even bother to say anything about it because nobody's going to help you or give a fuck. my mom's whole attitude towards the thing confirmed that to me.

then when i go to shrinks and etc, i get told the same thing where the same people around me in my inner circle tell me there's nothing wrong with me or make me feel bad for actually seeking help like my mother. then when the shrinks come at me with the same kind of attitude, it makes me feel like i'm wasting my time because i feel like i'm being put down for saying that i have a problem. like the last shrink i went to made me feel exactly like that. it was like "why are you in my office? you can help yourself by crying into a tissue, getting a manager position at your job or working towards law school. you have no reason to be depressed. you're not crazy. unless you're hearing voices and seeing people that are not there, i can't help you. you have to help yourself."
 
JohannBessler said:
^You may have gone to the wrong kind of professional.

Your situation seems to reflect a mood disorder, not adjustment trauma, RJ. Mood disorders relate to brain chemistry. Think of it this way: what happens when your car runs too low on oil? It begins to malfunction. If your car runs completely out of oil, it will malfunction and break down completely.

If you do indeed have bi-polar disorder, you want to look for a psychiatrist, not a psychologist or therapist.
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that's another problem that i had. the last time i was looking for a shrink. i was looking for psychiatrists, i called one up and i got the receptionist who told me what they did. they said that before i could see a psychiatrist, i had to talk to a psychologist first and get diagnosed then they would refer me to go to a psychiatrist.

on that note, i've had the same issue with the psychiatrists that i've been to too. i remember going back to one in 2008 which my mom's friend put her on to and she pretty much said that there was nothing wrong with me. however, she referred me to some research clinic which would offer me therapy and even meds if i signed to be apart of this research program. what pissed me off about it was how my mom's whole attitude towards it. she was like "i actually took my time out to show you support towards this bullshit so you better take the treatment and shut up about it already" . i was skeptical towards the whole thing because the therapy itself was apart of the experiment. hell, the whole basis to get into the program was you had to have symptoms of a mental problem but it cannot manifest itself fully where you have it or be undiagnosed.

the other psychiatrist i went to about 2 years later, i told her what was going on and she straight up told me that there was something wrong with me. she didn't say what it was but she let me know that if i chose to not continue to go to her that it could get worse and she wished me luck in sorting it out. *shrugs*

the whole thing just gives me a headache.

i'm just going to go to get a psychiatric evaluation but i heard that you have to be going through a psychosis or having a nervous breakdown in order to get checked out.
 
I watched a mechanical bull being ridden by multiple folks -- mostly Women -- but the best ride was by a guy -- anyways i kept encouraging a guy next to me to go out there but he didnt... him and his gorgeous friend needed to ride that mechanical bull to give me the proper mental material.... sigh... that is alllll

l.jpg
 
BENDERBOY said:
Some people are beyond help.
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When someone on this board is going through the torment and suffering of a serious mental condition beyond anything either you or I could ever imagine, for you to come along with a glib remark like that is selfish and spiteful beyond belief. You should be ashamed of yourself.
 
BENDERBOY said:
And yet i'm not.
You may be buying his b,s,, i ain't.
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there are times on here where you push it, get disrespectful, thinking you're being cute and funny when you're not. right now is one of those moments. i don't know if you think that i was supposed to brush that shit off like all the other times i gave your ass a pass. there's times where i see you throwing shots at random posters myself included and am like "damn, this dude is really feeling himself and he thinks because there's some guys all drooling over him that he can get away with that shit".

you say things on here as well as do things such as trolling other people's threads you think are bullshit with gifs and having the whole fan club shit running up in people's threads for whatever reason. it's okay from time to time but you need to cut that bullshit out. it's not cool, it's not funny and someone is not going to take it as well as some of us other folks have. just had to get this off my chest for a second.
 
CupidBoy said:
^ you are a shit stirring drama queen who wants everyone to feel bad for him. It's not our fault we see you clearly. We both used to be supportive but you are eternally a victim.
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the irony of that coming from you. breh, just stop and shut up. wasn't your ass doing the same thing sometime ago? you certainly didn't see me coming around being disrespectful now like how you're doing it taking up for your boy. that's not my style at all, man.

and shitstirring drama queen when your ass was all running around fighting with enchanted or whatever. acting all innocent now like your words don't apply to you. sit your ass down.
 
CupidBoy said:
It's ok refuji, you got your pity attention. :=D:

Feel like a big thug huh breh?
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i don't need pity attention. :lol: did you not see what i said that i contemplated about not saying what i was going to say on here because i didn't want the attention? i obviously knew that someone like benderboy and you were going to come in and say "shut the fuck up. we don't wanna hear that shit" and you come on in and prove me right. #-o as i said, weren't you making threads and even being in here saying that you felt suicidal and depressed from time to time? were you looking for attention when you said it? folks gave you the benefit of the doubt as well as the respect to let you speak your feelings and etc. now you want to pull this bullshit because benderboy came through and said whatever.

it's funny how folks want to talk all this innocence, angel shit but yet they're just as bad as the people they're criticizing. so much for the positivity shit you was kicking.
 
JohannBessler said:
I think of traffic engineering as an absorbing topic.

The city of Reno built a round-about a few years back. I went out of my way to drive it, just to experience it.

I felt fascinated by the Magic Roundabouts in England.

Reno very recently build a rarely-seen "double-crossover diamond" traffic intersection. I've driven it every day. It feels weird to drive on the left side of the road for 100 feet or so, in order to get back into the right lane.
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You've never been to MA have you johan? We have rotaries up the ass. I love seeing out-of-staters, typically in a luxury SUV, approach one and then go the completely wrong direction and cause an accident. Not to mention we will have onramps that are about 300ft long where you have to hit 55mph in that span. This is why Massholes may drive like maniacs but we know the rules of the road. For example: On a three-lane highway, the far right lane is for vehicles with a tow and on/off ramp. The middle lane is for the travel and the far left lane is for passing traffic. If you're going the speed limit in the far left lane [unless you live in one of those fucked up states with left-hand exits], you're doing it wrong.
 
CupidBoy said:
If you want attension why not just start up a sane friendly conversations with folks? Why do you want everyone to pity you?
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i don't NEED pity and i'll have a sane friendly conversation with folks when it's time to. i really don't see what the issue is to be honest. i respect people's opinions but after awhile, if i see someone taking a shot like benderboy on some peek a boo shit where there's something funny being said a lot, i'll say something. otherwise, there's no beef.

i just say how i feel and keep it moving. that's all. there's nothing else to it.
 
I have a jacket in my closet. It's been there for about two or three years. I don't remember who it belongs to.
 
yo... trill talk, i probably would fuck one of regular jub members here but it's more than likely not going to happen because either one of the reasons

1. they don't like me like that.

2. they live considerably far away. i'd have no problem fucking someone a town next to me like south orange and irvington or even the university right by me, seton hall. that would be my ideal place to fuck someone in the dorm or better yet off campus where i can stay the night. if it's somewhere over in another county like morris, hudson, sussex, hudson, middlesex and etc even somewhere on the other side of essex county like montclair or newark, then i don't think i would do that shit.

3. they're partnered.


i would actually much rather fuck somebody off of here rather than one of these weak ass dating sites or whatever. i actually feel like i get to know somebody on this site than elsewhere.

but then again, i start to realize that i'm not comfortable with getting busy with anybody other than myself so i wouldn't have the balls to do it. with these hookup sites, i obviously can't host because i still live at home with my parents and they're not hosting either so that's it with that.
 
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