Conflicticed about the man I love

[Cordis89]

Hey Guys,

So I'll start by saying I'm young and I'm in a relationship with a guy who is in his late fourties. We met online and our first meet was a casual friend with benefits type relationship. We played around and then eventually started hanging out everyday and now we have been together for four months. In the emails that we got to know each other through, I asked him how many guys he had been with before and he only mentioned four but said "there is more to discuss but I dont want to through emails" so it drifted away in my mind untill we were a few weeks into our relationship. One night I asked him about his experiences and he enthusiastically was telling me stories about topping audi dealership guys, doing some mexican in his office, some guy who went crazy for his dick etc. and after hearing all of that I was distraught, I asked how many different guys he had been with and he had to ballpark estimate it. He said about 20 different guys orally, 2 that he bottomed for and about 7 that he topped for over a 4 year period. Ever since I heard that information I cannot let it off my mind. We had a perfect relationship but our first speed bump was when he asked me to share my thoughts, and I told him that it was on my mind A LOT like 5x, because it was all I could think about. He shared many stories and they never leave my mind. He was a straight man up until 4 years ago when some guy came onto him and he let it happen. He was married and he secretly did all of these things behind his wife's back to ensure that he wanted to end his marriage in order to live a gay life.

So I am wondering, does that sound reasonable to fuck around with that many guys? I mean I cant ever get it off my mind.
How can I help get this passed me or will it always haunt me?
Any advice helps.

Thanks

 

[seven2go]

You can't unsee that which has been seen.
It's too late now but if you were afraid of the answer you shouldn't have asked the question which has you exactly where you're at now.
The number of his encounters probably is peanuts on the average.
I think he just went cock crazy for a while.
Whether or not his past will haunt you is up to you babe........

 

[Cordis89]

I forgot to mention that whenever we're together in person I don't think about it. Sometimes during sex it'll come to mind and I've even gone soft on him before thinking about it. But it tends to consume my mind when we're not together.

 

[Cordis89]

Even furthermore I forgot tto mention that he rarely ever had sex his whole life. Does that constitute going cock crazy for a few years?

 

[Cordis89]

I have discussed it with him plenty of times. I dont even like talking about it anymore because he can tell when I am thinking about it because my mood is changed. The only time we have ever got into a "argument/fight" was when I started speaking about how I felt about it. I feel that it is a disgusting amount of dudes to be going through. I feel like he thinks that is not being skanky and it makes me really mad to see him talk about such a "fun" experience with dudes that he never connected with at all. Instead just used them for sex. I tend to get over it most days but sometimes I feel depressed and even the thought of possibly breaking up because he has had gone through so many guys.

Anyways I always push through the "down" days where all I can do is dwell on it. But when I am together with him I feel more happy than ever so I have just kept my mouth shut and bared with it.

 

[Seasoned]

Stuffing feelings is never a good idea. We can only decide for ourselves regarding frequency and type of sex. What's too much for one person isn't enough for another. His past had nothing to do with you, but if you can't or won't let it go you may very well have to break up with him. At the same time, everyone has a past. Will you ever be comfortable with a bf's past? What number of sex partners would be ok with you?

 

[Rolyo85]

1. I've been out for two years, and the guys I've been with are about 20.

2. Nobody is "straight" until they "turn gay". They may ACT straight, but that doesn't make them straight. Being closeted is not being straight.

3. There is no "allowed" number of partners after which you turn into a slut or whatever. The number of people your man has been with is ABSOLUTELY irrelevant in regards to his relationship with you. It's not only none of your business, but it also absolutely should not matter to you.

 

[Cordis89]

1. I've been out for two years, and the guys I've been with are about 20.

2. Nobody is "straight" until they "turn gay". They may ACT straight, but that doesn't make them straight. Being closeted is not being straight.

3. There is no "allowed" number of partners after which you turn into a slut or whatever. The number of people your man has been with is ABSOLUTELY irrelevant in regards to his relationship with you. It's not only none of your business, but it also absolutely should not matter to you.

Sorry, your advice is crap. He was married to a woman, has a child and had NO IDEA he was gay until his 40's. I would consider that straight, wouldn't everyone else?
Secondly, I believe his past IS MY BUSINESS. Would you want a guy who was out powerfucking the world of gays? Or hooking up with people regularly? I sure wouldn't.
Thirdly, 20 guys in 2 years is a lot more than I would ever hook up with. I couldn't let myself give into anything less than a committed partner or lover. To me, hooking up with many different guys is disgusting.

 

[Cordis89]

Stuffing feelings is never a good idea. We can only decide for ourselves regarding frequency and type of sex. What's too much for one person isn't enough for another. His past had nothing to do with you, but if you can't or won't let it go you may very well have to break up with him. At the same time, everyone has a past. Will you ever be comfortable with a bf's past? What number of sex partners would be ok with you?

The frequency was high... but the fact that the majority of them were oral is the only thing getting me through this. Tonight I made the comment that he is a total horn dog and we got on the topic that all of his past experiences meant nothing but even in our first experience it really meant something to both of us. I think I am finally "starting" to get over this. I mean we are one awesome couple and we love each other a lot. I think I just have a few issues of being depressed and when I'm in that state of mind I cant help but to think of the little things that bother me. I think I'll get over it. It's not worth giving him up over something like this. But the only problem is I can't even go down on him without thinking about all the other guys that've done this for him and not to mention the bottoms he has been with.... I'll get over it eventually... I hope.

 

[Rolyo85]

Sorry, your advice is crap. He was married to a woman, has a child and had NO IDEA he was gay until his 40's. I would consider that straight, wouldn't everyone else?
Secondly, I believe his past IS MY BUSINESS. Would you want a guy who was out powerfucking the world of gays? Or hooking up with people regularly? I sure wouldn't.
Thirdly, 20 guys in 2 years is a lot more than I would ever hook up with. I couldn't let myself give into anything less than a committed partner or lover. To me, hooking up with many different guys is disgusting.

I don't know about my advice, but right now your attitude is crap. You act like a prissy VERY young gay boy who just found out relationships and is sure the only two settings in life are "eternal loneliness" and "eternal love". Not saying that's what you think, but you can tone down the indignation when people are trying to give you advice.

1. Seasoned was married to a woman and had kids with her. He will happily confirm to you that was gay the whole time. You are born gay or straight. Whether you can train yourself into total denial and willful ignorance or not, you're still who you were born as. You don't "turn" gay or straight, whatever lifestyle you live for however long.

2. No, his past is definitely NOT your business. His PRESENT is. In the two years I've been out, I have had two short relationships and a long one. All of them were monogamous. I was faithful to all of them and it never even crossed my mind to cheat. The short ones ended because we were not compatible emotionally and in our interests, and the long one - because we both left the town we were studying in, and had to go in different directions. Sex is sex, relationships are relationships, and loving casual sex doesn't imply you will suck as a boyfriend. If he is committed to you, it matters not one bit how many people he's slept with before you. The number is irrelevant. You can be his first or second, and he could STILL cheat on you if he is a cheater. But if he isn't, don't try to dig up reasons to be uncomfortable. I am beginning to think he's your first...

3. I could care less how many people you think you'll hook up with. The moral that you need to take from this story is that people view sex differently. To you it might be a magical union of two souls into a single one that requires only the deepest of commitments and cannot be had until seven years into a relationship, but to a LOT of people - me included, since we're judging me right now - it is a very enjoyable activity, which also actually requires practice to be good at. Sex is special when it's with someone special, and it's much better too. But it doesn't have to be special any more than masturbation does. Whether you agree with me or not is irrelevant, as long as you are aware there isn't one right way to look at it and you aren't subscribed to the Absolute Truth About Sex.


There are only two rules in relationships. ONLY two. 1. Honest communication. 2 Whatever works for BOTH people is always the right way. That's it. If you're both the type who can be in love with someone, but still need physical intimacy with others, then you will have an open relationship and it will be the right thing for you. If you are both into committed monogamy, then THAT'S the way to go. But don't make a decision for the relationship on your own, and assume that fairy tale Hollywood love stories have the patent for What A Relationship Should Be. If you want a committed boyfriend and you have one, how many guys he has had before you is not an indication of ANY sort of problem.

Or, of course, you can choose to be bothered by nothing and ruing your relationship with jealousy over the imagined importance of somebody's past experience, just because it's bigger than yours. It's up to you.

 

[Seasoned]

Being honest about your thoughts and feelings no matter what judgement you put in them is always a good idea because then you have the opportunity to work on them when they get in the way of happiness. So, you are on the right track. The thing that I'd work on is being in the moment. You wrote earlier that these thoughts don't creep in when you're with him, but now you mention they are present at times when you're depressed. Could another issue be that you're afraid of being one of many? Do you trust what he says about your specialness? It appears so. You seem to know that continued fixation on this could ruin what you have.

 

[seven2go]

Something just dawned on me........I think you're jealous of your boyfriend and scared shitless he's going to cheat on you.
I can assure you if he senses you are holding HIS past against him that is exactly what will happen.
I still think, once liberated, he went cock crazy for a while.
In your mind, turn the table around and put yourself in his shoes.
You've pretty much called him a slut.
If you can't TRULY get past that I don't see a future for the two of you.

 

[Rolyo85]

Not to mention a past is something nobody can change, so it's not like he can do anything about it now, but feel persecuted...

 

[Cordis89]

Something just dawned on me........I think you're jealous of your boyfriend and scared shitless he's going to cheat on you.
I can assure you if he senses you are holding HIS past against him that is exactly what will happen.
I still think, once liberated, he went cock crazy for a while.
In your mind, turn the table around and put yourself in his shoes.
You've pretty much called him a slut.
If you can't TRULY get past that I don't see a future for the two of you.

I am anything but jealous. It's the fact that he waited to share this info after I fell in love with him that is creating this problem. I dont think I would've fallen this easy if I had known these facts. I don't see sex as a "fun" thing, I feel that sharing your body with more than several people is degrading and low standards. I see sex as love.

Sorry Rolyo85 if I came off rude but I was looking for helpful advice and what you stated was the exact opposite of what I believe in; we have two different points of views. To answer your question, yes this is my first boyfriend, you think I am "prissy" fuck no. I am not femmy/prissy one bit nor will I ever be. I still disagree with some of your advice but I will accept and acknowledge these different points of views. I still believe it is my business to know someone's past with whom I choose to share my life and love with.


To be honest I was a little bit worried about him flirting/fooling around with people behind my back. But after four months I am over that. He is loyal and monogamous.

Thanks for all the advice (especially to Seasoned, your responses were by far the most helpful) but this thread has steered to a direction I never thought it would. It isn't helping at all.

 

[Cordis89]

Something just dawned on me........I think you're jealous of your boyfriend and scared shitless he's going to cheat on you.
I can assure you if he senses you are holding HIS past against him that is exactly what will happen.
I still think, once liberated, he went cock crazy for a while.
In your mind, turn the table around and put yourself in his shoes.
You've pretty much called him a slut.
If you can't TRULY get past that I don't see a future for the two of you.

No no no.
1) I am NOT jealous of him the least bit, if anything I am grossed out that he would venture out as much as he did.
2) I'm not "scared shitless", I was worried in the beginning that with all the time we are not together that he could still have FWB's/play partners that he wouldn't mind visiting. This is long past. The issue now is that I can't stop thinking about how many guys he let himself get with.
3) He is not the type of guy to stab me in the back just for having feelings about his past. If anything he realizes how much I care for him by expressing these feelings.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'd be careful about your number 3. Not everything is about you, and you might think your obsession with his past shows caring, but to him it might just be tension and pressure. I'd work on overcoming this irrational problem, rather than assume he'll be supportive of it. Even the greatest guy in the world can be worn down by a partner having a problem he is helpless to solve.

 

[Cordis89]

I'd be careful about your number 3. Not everything is about you, and you might think your obsession with his past shows caring, but to him it might just be tension and pressure. I'd work on overcoming this irrational problem, rather than assume he'll be supportive of it. Even the greatest guy in the world can be worn down by a partner having a problem he is helpless to solve.

Like I said this thread is becoming completely unhelpful. I rarely raise concern or problems with this issue, I hardly EVER experience it when I am with him. He hardly knows of this issue and he is very accepting of everything. I am not acting as if everything is about me. I have even said to him that this problem is irrational and I'll get over it eventually. I'm not assuming he will be supportive of it because we both love each other too much to let irrational feeling ruin our relationship. He IS supportive of it by trying to help me get over it. But I don't assume he will always be.

But anyways I think I am done posting because this is not helping at all, instead everything is going off topic and you guys are acting as if I have a plethora of issues instead of helping me adress the one problem that my partner and I have.

Thanks again for everyone's posts.

 

[Rolyo85]

Dunno about a plethora but the way you snap at us points out at some problem that you're having, or you would not be getting angry. I won't claim to know what it is, but you do have an issue with the importance of sex for sure. And you risk trouble down the line if you don't deal with it.

Sorry you don't feel you got anything out of the thread. Good luck!

 

[Cordis89]

Dunno about a plethora but the way you snap at us points out at some problem that you're having, or you would not be getting angry. I won't claim to know what it is, but you do have an issue with the importance of sex for sure. And you risk trouble down the line if you don't deal with it.

Sorry you don't feel you got anything out of the thread. Good luck!

I may come off "snappy" but I truely don't mean to. And you may be reading too much into the way I speak through text. You did get one thing right, I have an issue when someone has sex with too many partners. Thanks for trying.

 

[Cordis89]

Now if there is a way to delete threads, please inform me. If not, could a moderator please delete this one?
Thanks again!