Confused about sex

[NickWilliams1101]

I'm having some confusing thoughts about sex, and I'd really appreciate some advice.

For a little background, I'm 23 years old, out to everyone except conservative relatives, and reasonably sexually inexperienced. I have made out with about a dozen people, but only had 3 sexual experiences, all 3 of which involved giving and receiving oral sex, and one involving anal sex, which happened just the other night. I was the bottom in that situation, although I'm not sure if that's my preference (despite experimenting alone, I have yet to feel pleasure via stimulating my prostate...I'm not sure if I'm doing it wrong or if I am just one in a million guys who doesn't get anything out of it, but usually it just feels tender and not particularly enjoyable.) During all three sexual experiences, alcohol was involved - two of them I was very drunk, and the intercourse one I was moderately drunk ("tipsy" let's say) and very sober by the end of it. Two of them (including the anal one) were people I'd just met, and one of them was a friend who I'm not very close with and had been interested in for a long time.

I would not describe myself as a person with a high sex drive - I actually don't get horny all the time as how the media depicts most guys. However, I don't think it's a clinical problem as I still do get horny sometimes, and I usually jerk off at least once a day - sometimes I'll go a few days without doing it, and sometimes I will do it 2 or 3 times. If I'm not too horny at the get go, it takes a LONG time for me to finish, even if I get horny in the process, but if I start out horny, it takes me less than five minutes to finish and everything seems completely normal.

However, during all 3 of my sexual experiences, I have not been able to finish - and not even come close. 2 of the 3, the other guy came (including the intercourse one), and all 3 were very long nights of kissing, dry humping, fondling, hand jobs, oral sex, etc. I was attracted to all 3 guys and very very turned on at the beginning of all 3 events, but as time went on, it was almost as if I lost interest during the experience. Meanwhile, oral sex seems to give me very little pleasure whatsoever, and as I mentioned before, I feel like I get nothing out of anyone, myself or another guy, massaging my prostate. It's sort of the same with handjobs - 2 of these situations I even jerked myself off during part of it and wasn't able to come even close, which makes the whole "getting used to your own grip" theory not applicable.

This probably sounds overly dramatic, but there's a part of me that wonders if I'm just not a sexual person? Maybe I'm not someone who will be able to get off with someone else? The thought is terrifying because I definitely easily develop romantic feelings and I also do get horny, so the thought of not being able to enjoy sex is crazy.

I also wonder if all of this is just because of my lack of experience, and if I continue to fool around with guys, or maybe one I know better, and keep at it for longer than one night, I could eventually get myself to come....or even enjoy it for more than fifteen minutes without getting bored.

Did anyone else feel similarly with their first few sexual experiences? I don't just mean not coming or dealing with someone who wasn't very good, but I mean slowly losing horniness over the course of the experience until by the end all you care about is getting them to finish so you don't feel like it was a complete waste of time.

Thanks for reading!

 

[Ambition92]

It could be coupling performance anxiety and drinking, since drinking could potentially decrease your sex drive. With that said, when I started messing around with guys it would also take me a while to cum. I'd be able to eventually do it, but it would take some time and it's almost always with me jerking off. Also if you have a busy mind or you overthink things, that could also take your mind out of the moment and in turn cause you to be less horny. I just try to focus on whoever I'm with and put the rest of my thoughts to the back of my mind until after we finish.

Not groundbreaking advice, but hope it helps!

 

[sixthson]

First I would say when there is a chance that you are going to be sexual with someone, don't drink or do drugs. They will only alter you consciousness which could lead to poor, risky decisions.

Second, despite everything you hear about how great random hookups are, they are just not for everyone. Many guys need something more. Your sexual experience has been only with guys you either don't know or barely know. It's very possible that you need someone you love or deeply care for with whom you can be intimate and move at a slow pace. It doesn't mean it will turn things around for you magically, but it's likely improve things dramatically. Some people, more than others, just seem to need to learn how to make love and how their bodies work.

Life is not a pornographic movie, so don't expect that.

 

[Seasoned]

The mind takes over for some of us and once that happens anxiety plays a big factor. If you were able to plan for sex with another guy, let's say, a week in advance and not jerk off, things would likely be different. Once confidence takes over the problem would be over.

 

[JSnow789]

The brain is the biggest sexual organ we have. You are worried about your inexperience, how your partners perceive your performance, is your cock ok, is my ass clean, etc. I had this problem for many years. I would *never* cum with someone the first few times we were together. I got used to it and would just jack off after when I was alone. As you become more experienced, these feelings will fade and you'll be more confident in yourself. For me, I don't worry about it at all now. Sometimes I cum, sometimes I don't. But I do know that the closer of a connection I have with my partner, the better the sex. Also-remember that you can be 'numbed' if you spend a lot of time watching porn. So, let it go and pursue real boys.

 

[NickWilliams1101]

thanks guys, these responses do make me feel better

 

[mcbrion]

The mind takes over for some of us and once that happens anxiety plays a big factor. If you were able to plan for sex with another guy, let's say, a week in advance and not jerk off, things would likely be different. Once confidence takes over the problem would be over.

Seasoned, as you know from our private correspondences, I agree with you. But I have to say, abstaining from jerking off, does not, for me (at age 64) affect my arousal, although I don't trick. I'm on my 3rd date with a guy - to give Nick the perspective of an older person, since our sex drives are different my younger brothers - and I have yet to have sex because while he's talking about how he feels - and I'm a pretty astute guy, meaning my emotional intelligence has been rated as "very good," I notice his actions don't match his words. Now, he's attractive to me, and i could jerk off 4 times a day (and I do), and yet, if he were to become more passionate, I'd have no problem responding, so, for some of us, regardless of age, abstention isn't necessary. Hell, my 73 year old close friend has a sex drive many 20 somethings would envy. And he whacks off 5 x a day! But if someone was appealing to him at 6 p.m., after those 5 whack off sessions, he'd STILL be ready (and I should know: I dated him for a while in 2009-11, and he came 4 times in 3 hours the first time we had sex, 6 years ago. Now we're just friends.) And he was 68 in 2009!

BUT. BUT. Nick has pinpointed something he should look at: the depth of his feeling for others. Don't just do it because you're young and you think you're SUPPOSED to be turned on to every guy you meet. You're not. Physical attraction is a fraction of what the brain can do - and the brain can turn you on to a guy if you like him so much that you can't keep your hands off him. I think you were saying the same thing: the aphorism "know thyself," can be turned around to "give yourself time to know HIM and appreciate his sense of humor (usually a BIG turn on), maybe his sharp wit, and even things guys don't give much credit to: his kindness to other people, including those who are not attractive (I mean the other guy, not the poster), yet the other guys treats them with respect and kindness. Many young guys get confused because they believe, according to the media, that they should be a "ball of fire" with any warm body that comes their way. 'TAINT SO! But the alcohol usage leads me to ask Nick: are you using this because it eases your anxiety with other guys or is it that you just happened to have a couple of drinks and they came along and your inhibitions were lowered. A lowered inhibition level makes you indiscriminating in some ways, but alcohol is a depressant: it's not doing your ability to orgasm ANY good, no matter what your 23 year old friends say.

Take it from someone 3 x their age, and with 40 years more experience than they have: that's a load of crap. Sober is better, unless you're the anxious type, in which case, don't be in a rush to have an experience and use that as empirical evidence that you don't enjoy certain sexual activities. Try sober. And try finding a guy you LIKE as a person - and someone who has demonstrated - to your satisfaction and comfort level - that they think "you're-a-cool-guy-and-I-like-you," because you'll feel, as Seasoned pointed out, more confident with someone like that. And less anxious (IF that is an issue with you).

Sex is, despite what young people say, an exploration of finding out what you enjoy, and you can't know that now. Did you know that your brain isn't even fully formed until you're around 25 or 26? You're still in flux right now, discovering things. All of us older guys know this, but you younger guys might not. Skip the alcohol (if you're that anxious, see your doctor about an anti-anxiety medication, and experiment to see if you do better when you're less anxious. You needn't stay on it, but you could use if for a month or two to see if your enjoy sex better. And if you do that, get the weakest dosage possible, so you're not, as we would say in the 60s, like, "totally mellow, man." (i.e., "limp dick").

Good luck, but maybe it's the TYPE of sex you're forcing yourself to have that is discouraging you. Try frontage (rubbing against the guy) and kissing at the same time. Or any other activity (you can view x-tube to see which activities you find erotic) that you want to try out, and you can always put an ad in a gay newspaper saying, 'I want to meet a guy who likes being fellated (sucked) or making out or whatever" and see what you like. And start from there with several guys (it's called empirical deduction - you pile up statistics with one guy or a number of guys and eventually, you'll find that with 6 guys, you liked kissing, even if they weren't attractive to you otherwise, but even with 3 super hot guys, you never enjoyed anal, whether top or bottom). sex is something you need experience with to know what you like: you can't get that knowledge ANY other way.
Do you have anything to add, Seasoned?

 

[tarallucci]

Yes, it's happened to me during the first times. Sometimes it was because I didn't like the guy very much and other times because I wasn't feeling at ease with the person and the location.
In your case it seems it's both for the worrying and the alcohol. My suggestion is to warm up, not by getting drunk obviously, but by talking to him, take the time to caress him, do things gradually, see if you like the smell of his skin.

If he is really hot for you and you manage to win the shyness of the early experiences then you should be able to enjoy it without problems, unless he is suffers from premature ejaculation, that is annoying

Damn, I had to type the whole post again because it suddenly disappeared.