confused and scared

[HappyMew]

Let's see where to start... My name is Tom. I'm male, age 28, about to graduate with Computer Science undergrad degree (May 12), and for the time being bisexual. This is going to be a long post, be aware.

About 2-3 years ago I started to "get" this whole attraction "thing". Suffice to say, i've got crushes on my two closest friends now. I've told one, Doug, but he has said he is straight. The other one, Mike, is married.

With Doug it is unrequited love. He's said he is fine with me being "bent" or having feelings for him, but he's not interested at all, which is a major disappointment for me. The crush I have for him is the strongest of the two since he and I share a lot of the exact same interestes. He passionately likes Nintendo video games, loves Pokemon, we like the same anime and cartoons pretty much, and, to me at least, and he's like a big teddy bear. I just want to hug and cuddle him because he is so cute.

But Doug has told me in no uncertain terms he does _not_ want to be hugged or cuddled or told 'You're cute!' even if we're private and alone. This has me confused as to how to express my affection. Because when ever i'm around him I just want to be close to him or lavish affection on him. Even though i'm "out of the closet" with him it still feels awakward and uncomfortable.

I told him all of this about a year ago. The situation is still the same though. I figured, well, I'll just give it time. Even if he doesn't want a relationship (he was and is still single) at least maybe he'll be more comfortable with me expressing _some_ level of physical or verbal affection. I thought maybe my affection for him would wane as I find other women or men i'm attracted to. But neither has been the case. I'm just as deeply in love with him as before. And I've neither seen nor been told anything to indicate he is anymore comfortable with me expressing affection to him. Fortunatly, though, i've also neither seen or been told anything that he is less accepting of me as being bisexual.

Doug and I have almost daily contact through Instant Messages and usually weekly contact through get toghether's at either Mike's condo, my parents house, or Doug's appartment. I live on campus at my university (~25 miles away), but will be moving back in with my parents, for the time being, after graduation.

So, I guess the question is, "How do I deal with this crush I have on Doug?"

Now with regards to Mike, geez, Mike and I have been best friends since Junior high school. He's been a friend and also someone who has looked out for me. Junior high and Senior high school were really rough on me mentally and physically. During lunch time when the majority of assults on me would occur Mike was pretty much my salvation. He has no problem standing up for himself or for others and would go to bat for me so to say.

While I was on campus at my University he helped me organize and get my video game group recognized as an offical group on campus. The students and faculty were all pretty supportive of my video game group, but the school officals were and still have been generally "No people" towards it. I'm very shy, timid, and anxious talking to people so he'd either go with me for support and encouragement when i'd have to do the talking or do the talking for me and wouldn't let the officals just say "No you can't do that/reserve that room/whatever" without good reason.

Keep in mind, as it regards Mike, I've been relativly unaware of this 'affection' "thing" most of my life. I mean I got the idea of friendships and having good relationships with people. But the whole boy/girl thing flew over my head. I mean I had a few friends that were girls, but I honestly just didn't get what was so special about having a "girlfriend" or even "boyfriend". But still Mike has tried to set me up on dates or find "women" for me. And now that I actually understand and appreciate what relationships are, i'm most greatful.

I'm very comfortable around Mike and all the evidence says Mike would be very caring and accepting of me as "gay" or "bi" or "queer" or whatever.... But, as with Doug, I really don't want the rejection of physical or verbal affection. Mike and I poke and tickle each other because we can get good reactions out of each other. He and I are very ticklish. I don't want that to stop because he knows that it is also a sexual stimulation for me now, as well. He's also married too, so I don't want his wife, Jackie, to think i'm trying to take him away from her. (if I could I would though!)

So i'm confused and scared about how to deal with my crushes on Doug and Mike and need advice thank you!

 

[backseatboy]

I could not give you good advice on how to get over a crush. I'm bad at that myself. But maybe look at other people around you? Doug and Mike are both married from what I've read, and that pretty much makes them unavailable in my book. There are other fish in the sea, maybe someone better (even though it might be hard to realize with your numerous commonalities with mike) is right in-front of you.

 

[stormofswords921]

I don't think Doug's aversion to physical affection has anything to do with your sexuality. some people are just "hands-off" and have a larger personal bubble then other people. for all you know, he would be just as uncomfortable with other people's affections. the verbal affections might relate 2 your sexuality if you tell him things like "o your so cute" or "i love you" etc. however, this might stem more from social norms of how two men are supposed to act rather then to any awkwardness from you specifically. if you came out to him over a year ago and he is still your friend, obviously he is at the very least OK with your sexual preferences. Perhaps you can try expressing your affections in more "manly", forgive the clicheness here, ways. "way to go man", give him high-fives, take him to events as friends. maybe not sporting events but like video game conferences or anime conventions or whatever it is that is a common interest. u can also ask him to help u find more friends and expand your social repertoire so that you can get some more friends to hang out with. you can also try to expand your selection of bisexual/gay friends that you can be more affectionate with and explore your sexuality. you can find plenty of gay people interested in video games and cartoons and such. you are a computer person? well then utilize your skills. search forums for gay/bi gamers, look on the internet. myspace/facebook, dating sites, etc. perhaps you need to start a GLBT group at your school or join one if one already exists. you can always find friends here on JUB!!!!!

as for mike, coming out to him might be a good idea, if you are having concerns about keeping a secret from him. and if he has always been there for you before, there is no reason to think that he won't be there for you after he learns you are bisexual. for all you know, he might already have suspicions.

as to your crush. having feelings and acting on them are two different things. and the path down this road is bad news for either one of these guys. doug has already told you he's not intersted and mike is married. Continuing to nurture these feelings has absolutely NO positive aspects...I had to be blunt....continuing to be friends with them is fine, but thinking that you could be with one or both of them intimately is IMO, a huge waste of time and will lead to nothing but hurt for you. If you are having trouble getting over them, then perhaps trying to spend less time with them and/or try to meet new people using the aforementioned methods.

I wish you the best of luck. I suggest you read other threads on similar topics here on JUB. Many other people have been in similar situations as you. Reading this threads can give you a ton more advice, insight, and perspective then I could ever possibly give.

But most of all, congratulations on accepting your sexuality instead of running from it! That is awesome! and with anything going from a "newborn" to an "adult" bisexual is going to involve some growing pains, it will ultimately be worth it! keep us updated!

 

[slobone]

Hi, HappyMew, welcome to JUB!

Quite often there's a phase gay guys go through when they're coming out that involves having crushes on their straight friends. It's quite common -- we hear about it here all the time.

At the moment I'd say you're stuck in that phase, and you need to move out of it.

Neither of these guys is a very good prospect for any kind of physical relationship. Doug has specifically told you he's not interested. Mike is married, and anyway, he's known you long enough so that if something were going to happen, it would have happened by now.

What you should be thinking about is how you can start having more of a social life with other gay guys, and eventually having actual -- sex. Sometimes that's a scary idea, but there are ways to lead up to it.

Find out where the gay people hang out at your university, and check it out. You don't have to assume you have to get sexual the first time -- just make friends at first, and then take it from there.

Later you can continue to pursue that idea when you're back living at home.

But don't make these two guys bear the whole burden of your sexual thoughts -- it's not really fair to them. Just keep in mind that these crushes are only temporary, and will disappear once you start experiencing the real thing.

 

[HappyMew]

Thanks for the replies so far, I'll be able to respond more freely Monday evening when my finals are completed. Till then i'll keep reading though!

Thanks again!

 

[Pringle]

Hi Happymew

Stormofswords makes some good important points. If I may I will share my random thoughts on the matter.

Doug sounds no different from anyone else I have ever met. If you have a friend that is in to you then it is quite a pressure (irrelevant if it is not the sex you would normally date). I have had gay friends that are in to me and I DO NOT like the fact that they think they can touch/hug me at any time. I would be giving off the wrong signals if I allowed that to happen and I do not want these people to be anything but friends.

But that is the thing - Doug is your friend and again I don't mean to be blunt but as a straight guy he will NEVER come round to your way of thinking - no matter how much time you give it. It is just not going to happen and thinking that it might is just kidding yourself and can only lead to disappointment and/or heartache.

Think about it - first you convince him to meet you with a hug - next you are thinking Mmm wonder if he would kiss me - and so it would continue until ultimately you build your hopes so high that the fall is even further. Trust me I have been there and done that and no good can come from it, but you would risk what sounds to me to be a quality friend.

So you need to reign in those desires and enjoy having a great friend, because if like me you can't the only realistic outcome is that you end up not being friends at all.

For what it is worth I think you should tell Mike - it is quite possible he may alter his physical contact with you for the reasons mentioned above, but again anything you do get out of it can never lead to anything - so he would be doing you a favour. But the important thing is you would still have two great mates and that is key to any happiness.

Hope I don't come along as blunt or rude but I was just typing what I wish someone had told me before I screwed it up and lost a very dear friend. Not that I would have probably listened, but if I had done then it may have saved some painful parts of my life.

Good luck with finding someone who will respond to your affections - you sound like you have a big heart and with the right person you can share the physical contact as much as you want, and still have some good friends to bitch about them with when you so need to. LOL

Pringle x

 

[HappyMew]

Because if you are like me every time you see him or are near the feelings take over and all you want to do is take him in your arms and hug him tight and tell him you love him and then kiss befoe takeing him to bed and make love to him all night and day.

Yea, that's the big problem I have.

I mean, in a sense, *not in reality* I really wish I could remain clueless to the whole attraction side of things. Before I figured out that I "liked" Doug or Mike, it was just "hey. Can I come over, I want to play video games/watch tv/whatever with you."

Now between Doug and I, if I say "Hey, can I come over" it's not about the activities anymore it is, well, it's personal now. I want to be by him because, he's cute. Because I want to rest my head on him, enjoy his presence, and tell him what a great person he is.

So underestanding affection and sexuality is the best and worst thing to happen to me at the same time. If I just had never "gotten it" in the first place I wouldn't have this problem to begin with.

 

[Pringle]

Now between Doug and I, if I say "Hey, can I come over" it's not about the activities anymore it is, well, it's personal now. I want to be by him because, he's cute. Because I want to rest my head on him, enjoy his presence, and tell him what a great person he is.

Sorry - me butting in again. But you understand that you can't ^ right? It is great you understand your wants and desires now but part of that understanding is knowing when it is in vain.

I am sure there isn't a person on this board who hasn't been where you are and I am fairly certain most would tell you it is a waste of effort to pursue it.

 

[HappyMew]

Ok, a little update here. I finished my final semester with a 4.0! I got a 98% in my web page development class and a 90% in my intro to management class so, both A's! My first 4.0 for a semester, ever! Yaye!

So my graduating GPA was a 3.03! You can't imagine what a relief it is to not have to stress out and worry about my grades anymore! It's DONE, its OFFICIAL, I GRADUATED!

That said, I, of course, still have other problems.... Namely Mike and Doug and my feelings for them.

Sorry - me butting in again. But you understand that you can't ^ right? It is great you understand your wants and desires now but part of that understanding is knowing when it is in vain.

I am sure there isn't a person on this board who hasn't been where you are and I am fairly certain most would tell you it is a waste of effort to pursue it.

Let me see if I can try to make this clear. It is my fantasy that I could pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with either Doug (straight) or Mike (married), but I realize I can not pursue this fantasy.

I'm looking for ways that I can cope with this though. As this is, internal to me, a major stressor between myself and Doug and Mike.

I've told Doug that I had feelings for him, but did not tell him how intense they are because I did not want to scare him. Telling him that I liked him was scary enough for him, i'm sure. I do not know what Mike knows about my feelings for him. But, what I did told him once, two years ago, though, was that I would like help in trying to find a girl to date with. But that I was confused since I had feelings of affection for Doug. Unspoken was that I also had a major crush on him (mike) too.


Distancing is not an option with either Mike or Doug because, they are really the only two close friends I have. And aside from my parents, my only other source of social contact. My social anxiety keeps me from doing anything else social really. Which means, trying to date other men or women, is kind of out of the question too. People external to my group of friends scare the dickens out of me. Terrify me even.

I would "come out" to Mike or Doug about my true feelings for them, in the hope that, doing so would relieve the stress and tension, internally, i'm feeling towards them. But, do not want to do so because I don't want to take even the chance that I would lose them as friends, or have the relationship stressed or altered because they now know my true feelings towards them. (probably the same feelings every closeted LGBT person has had, I just do not know how to handle them)

In other words, I'm looking for some knowlege, or want to know if there is something I can do so that I can be relaxed and comfortable around Mike and Doug. I am not looking to persue a romantic relationship.

I've tried, just not worrying. I've tried just going to a movie and just enjoying their presence. It's not working for me.

I still I get horny and want to cuddle them, make out with them, even have intercourse. If either was gay or bi, that'd be great, but neither are.

 

[G-Lexington]

Doug has told you where the line is. He's fine with you as a friend. He is not interested in you sexually. This includes hugging, touching, cuddling. HE DOES NOT WANT TO DO THIS. Therefore, you must respect his wishes and push that thought out of your mind. You must consider him a completely asexual being. Whether that means thinking of him as a brother, a dog, a robot, whatever - he's not to be touched. At all.

Your main problem is, I think, the social anxiety. Because your situation is extremely common, but for most of us, it's also extremely temporary. We start meeting people at work, at school, at various social functions, and our straight crushes fade away. But you seem to be saying, "These are the only two people in my social circle, and that's the way it is." To put it bluntly, this is going to make the crush a lot worse. Because you'll start thinking, hell, the only person you're likely to ever have sex with is Doug. And well, maybe he'll change his mind eventually. Maybe you can show him a good time, and he'll come around.

But he won't.

So I'd focus on getting on top of your social anxiety. Whatever it takes to get around that and start meeting new people.

Lex

 

[HappyMew]

Ok, well, two things off the bat. Three I guess. First, I do have a professional counselor. My university actually had a clinical anxiety treatment center, which I was part of. Posting here is something I'm doing to try to supplement my counseling.

Second, I do have friends outside of Mike and Doug, I dunno, perhaps 15-20 or so. It's just that the only ones I have regular contact personal contact with (as in visiting or being visited by) is Mike and Doug. We go to movies together as a group, get together in gaming parties, barbecues, or go to Anime/Gaming conventions. But usually only on an approximately monthly basis.

Third, I do have a love interest outside of Mike and Doug actually. Andrea is her name. Its impersonal at the moment though. I just don't want to commit to a relationship when i'm still confused and uncertain about my feelings and sexuality.

Do forgive me if I wanted to keep the focus of my inital posts on my interactions and feelings with Mike and Doug, though.

 

[HappyMew]

Well, I think i'll post a bit of an update here since things have been more or less resolved.

As already mentioned, I had a huge crush on my best friend Mike. But Mike is straight and married (boo hoo )! Dealing with that crush and not knowing what his reaction to said feelings would be was terrifyingly scary, very difficult, and ultimately depressing.

My first step in trying to resolve this (aside from talking to my counselor) was talking to Terese who is a very good female friend and part of the "gaming group". I was sure she'd be very supportive. So Saturday afternoon during one of our groups "Gaming Night" weekend parties, I asked to speak to her privately.

I after a few very nervous, anxious, and terrified minutes of saying nothing and just feeling like I would faint, I told her that I was Bisexual and then about my crush on Mike.

We had a really heart warming talk. While I was still very terrified about talking to Mike about it for fear of not getting the reaction I would want (i.e. acceptance. He's married so I know a relationship is out of the question), I did feel more comfortable and less scared.

Honestly now, Mike has never been anything, but kind and caring and accepting of who I am. Never once has he ever been bigoted or rejecting to anyone. He's just the nicest, most caring guy i've ever met. So you would think I shouldn't have such a problem telling him....

Regardless, Terese suggested that I should speak with his wife Jackie if I still couldn't bring myself to talk to Mike by myself. She didn't think (just as I felt) that it would be a problem at all and that she would be helpful in discussing the matter. We hugged and went back downstairs to join the gaming party.

So to conclude the story here, I talked with Jackie twice about the subject. She understood where my concerns were and how I felt. She told me that she had already suspected that this was the case and had absolutely no problem with it. And that just as Terese said, she honestly didn't feel this was going to be a big revelation to Mike or for that matter change anything. And encouraged me to talk to Mike about it.

Ultimately, it was still just to distressing for me to approach Mike about it myself and I asked her to tell Mike and have him approach me. She did do so. Needless to say, Mike and I talked and nothing between the two of us has changed. We're still best buds, if not even a bit closer now!

I'll write a little more about what else is going on with me and relationships later. But that's all for now!

 

[G-Lexington]

Congratulations! Looks like things are looking a bit better in your corner.

Lex