Confused situation with a guy.

[Greendragon]

Hi everyone

First time posting here and first time asking for advice on an internet forum so be gentle! You guys seem like a nice friendly crowd. I just wrote out a long post and it disappeared so I'll try again...

Ok, I'm a late 20s guys, out only to some close friends. I find it pretty easy to find guys to hook up with for casual sex, but haven't had the same success finding guys for a relationship (I've had a couple of familiar stories of falling in love with straight or primarily straight friends - not a nice thing). I'm naturally a shy person and find it difficult to 'put myself out there'. I've become capable of approaching someone in a gay venue when just sex is on the cards, but it's difficult doing that in other areas of my life.
Anyway, in the last few months I have gotten to know this guy. He's nice and we get on very well. We share the same interests and have good conversations. I could see myself being together with him. I'm not sure if he likes me just as a friend or could be open to something else. When we first met he seemed really keen to get to know me and talked about how he enjoyed my company and when we could meet again. Over time he's also gotten increasingly touchy-feely. He does do this with other friends so it doesn't necessarily mean anything but I think more than usual with me. I'm not usually a physically demonstrative person but I've been trying to be more so than usual with him. Last time we met we did the awkward thing where he went in for a hug and I offered him my hand . But then I realised my mistake and just hugged him. he definitely kept his hand on my back for much longer than would be considered usual for a friendly hug.

Ok, but is he gay? This is where it gets interesting. When we first met we had a conversation about gay rights and political issues as he had been to some talks, and I dropped some hints about me being gay which I think he picked up on. Later, he was showing me something else in his notebook and I happened to see details for an LGB meeting (time, location). I know that he was member of a gay discussion group on the internet. And one time, we both heard a stranger making homophobic insults in a bar and he suggested to me we go back and tell the guy we were both gay.
But - I know he has had a girlfriend in the past. His parents are quite conservative and I think would much prefer him to meet 'the right sort of girl'. He told me things between him and them are quite tense and they feel that he doesn't relate to them well anymore. I don;'t know how much, if anything, he has told them about maybe being gay.

OK, so far so good right? I was wanting to take things forward at my own (glacially slow) pace, maybe trying to find a way to take him out drinking just myself (when we meet, there are usually other people around) and steer the conversation in a certain direction. However, things have been a little difficult lately. We used to meet around once a week but in the last few months he's been having a difficult time - problems at work with his job coming to an end, his mother has been ill and the parent of a very close friend died unexpectedly recently. We've both also been working hard at other commitments and haven't seen each other much lately.

Last time we met up he told me he had joined a dating site. Of course I was a little crushed as I thought maybe that meant there was no hope for me. So I did a little online stalking and quickly found his profile. But the strange thing is - he is listed as looking for women only??? wtf????
If he was listed as looking for other guys I would think - well, maybe he is gay but just sees me as a friend. But looking for women only doesn't make any sense since I was sure he is interested in guys at some level. He is very uncomfortable with stereotypical macho straight behaviour so i wondered if, while being fundamentally heterosexual, he almost would have preferred to be bisexual for the sake of the image?? or is this a ridiculous idea???
It's possible that a) he never had any interest in me other than as a friend or b) he was a bit interested but I didn't send out clear enough signals. That annoys me too because I hate how slow and awkward I am with these things. I know someone's going to say 'grow some balls and tell him you like him' but believe me when I say how difficult that would be for me. I have mild social anxiety and all that stuff. I've learned how to approach a guy when it's just for sex, but it's different making myself emotionally vulnerable with someone i also like as a friend. Plus I don't get to see him as often as I would like. When I left him the last time I told him very clearly to call as I wanted to meet up. I still want to try and get him on his own. I don't really want to hear about how well all his dates with the girls have gone though Hey ho.

Ok I leave the floor to you guys to tell me how stupid I am

 

[lonnie1]

I can understand your dilemma, however, if you are really interested in a romantic relationship with him, you need to take action. Contact him, tell him you would like to catch up on his life and offer to take him to dinner--just the two of you. At the dinner, bring the conversation around to dating. Let him know that you really enjoy his company, are wondering about his sexual preference and ask whether or not he's interested in you. If he says no, tell him you would still like to be his friend and if he says yes--set another date.
I know it sounds very direct, but I've found it is better than beating around the bush.

 

[paatreides]

I have to agree with lonnie1 ^^^

It could very well be that he's trying to stay in good graces of his ultra-conservative family. So he's signed up looking for women - perhaps women who will be "unattainable for him." It just could be that he needs to stay securely in the closet.
As a friend you must let him know that you support him, no matter what his answer is. If he's straight, you still want to be friends; if he's bi, that's cool; if he's gay and needs to operate on the DL, you're okay with that too. But he needs to know he can trust you before you blurt out any desire for him.

 

[MindBlast]

Step 1: Tell him you're gay.

See what happens.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the JUB forum. I have to agree with the first two guys above. Since you weren't born with the ability to be comfortable hooking up for sex you learned how to do it. The same with social situations, first a small risk and gradually you build on that. It's just a matter of taking that first risk and building on that. In time you'll be comfortable enough regretting you didn't answer his joining a dating site with something like, "oh, that's not necessary. I'm available and willing to begin immediately."

The whole key here is having enough self-confidence not to take yourself so seriously that you're unable to laugh at yourself or get shot down.

I'd practice small take with clerks, etc you meet in suited or shoppers looking at the same stuff you're looking at. Just a few successes with strangers regardless of age or gender will build confidence.

As I write this I'm thinking that if I were your age and single we could meet to exchange techniques. I never learned how to pick up a guy, but had no problem letting my partner know how I felt about building a life together.

We all have something we could teach others just as we all need others to learn from. Good luck sorting this out with your friend. I think it would be best when you have a clearer picture as to whether or not romance is possible with your friend.

 

[Greendragon]

Thanks for your replies, and thanks seasoned for your welcome. Yeah I agree that the 'baby steps' approach is probably the right one. I need to make clear that I am gay first. Maybe step up the flirting too. It's complicated because I am confused about him now. Is he genuinely bisexual and really looking for a woman, and could he be happy with one more so than with a man. Or is this escapism? I half-heard that he had once made a (jokey) comment to a female friend that they should make an arrangement to have a kid together some day - that doesn't sound like someone who sees themselves in a straight relationship right? Confusing eh? hehe.
Anyway I'm going on holiday in a few days so I'm unlikely to see him before the end of the month at the earliest. Will let you know if there are any developments...! thanks guys.

 

[Greendragon]

"As I write this I'm thinking that if I were your age and single we could meet to exchange techniques. I never learned how to pick up a guy, but had no problem letting my partner know how I felt about building a life together. "

Forgot to mention seasoned, i've found picking up a guy is mostly about sustaining eye contact, little grins, saying hello when you're walking past them etc. That's if you're in a gay venue and can reasonably assume that the other guy is looking to pick up.
Online on the other hand, flirting via messages is also quite easy

But in the 'ordinary world' i'm no good at picking up friends have told me stories of picking up guys in clothes shops or straight clubs etc and i get really jealous... hehe