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Confused/Upset with my relationship.

L

laegolass

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Hey guys,

Been having a down time for the past few days after having a long talk with my boyfriend. Before that, these are what have happened:

We have been together for 2 years plus and this is my first relationship (hopefully the one and only). Things were going great for us even though both of us are not out to any close family or relatives. Only to certain friends. His parents likes me and my parents treat him like their own son.

However things started to change around May this year. That's when he and his parents went to US for a month vacation. When he came back, I can feel the rift starting to appear between us. He started to get caught up with work, we hardly kiss anymore and the most we do as a partner are going out for a drink or meal about once a week. Sometimes once a few weeks. All these while I try not to let it bother me much until few days ago.

I confronted him about this and he told me all about it.
First, he said a part of him was left behind in US as he really likes that place. Then he told me that his sister found out about him and me and have viewed me negatively. His brother also know and was having a wary thought on me too. I feel so upset with this because I've never even met his brother before and his sister only for a very brief time which we hardly talk. Just a simple "hello". Yet they viewed me differently and my boyfriend even started got wavered by their opinion.

Another thing that breaks my heart was, he told me he loves me and emotionally attached to me but not physically attracted to me. I admit I'm not good looking and a bit on the chubby side. He is not much better as he is bigger size than me. These are the reasons he told me why whenever i try to kiss him, even in his or my bedroom privately, he is hesitating. We hardly hold hands and haven't even been having sexual intercourse ever since the US trip. Before that we did have it a few times whenever we have the chance.
This hurts me so much because I just felt like we are just friends instead of lovers. Those things we do are more like what best friends do.

To summarize it:
1) He was affected by the view of his brother and sister on how the "see" me and started to treat me differently
2) He loves me a lot and yet cant get over the fact he is not attracted to me physically and avoids any intimate contacts with me.

These makes me doubts what he said to me about wanting to grow old with me and adopt children and having a life like straight couples do.

What should I do, guys? Also, I dont have any friends that i can talk to about this as either they would never understand cos they are straight or they wouldnt want to get involved in other's personal life.

Thanks if anyone can give some advice on what should i do.
 
If he is not attracted to you physically then get rid of him find someone who will appreciate you for you.
 
I think that you say that you want a relationship but you really just want sex.

A long-term lover *is* more like a friend than a 'lover' because that's just the way it is. you grow used to somebody.

But then you complain you're not turned on by him because he doesn't have a body that you find attractive, which means that you are essentially being very shallow and caring only about one thing.

I do the same thing, I think everybody does.

So you have to accept the fact you don't want a loving relationship. You just want hot sex. And you need to stop contradicting yourself or making excuses for that. You want to live a more stereotypical 'gay lifestyle' where you have sex with multiple guys and only if they are hot and have a gay porn bod. That's what you really want.

Then you say 'but I just want to grow old and have a normal life like straight people' but honey, sweetie pie pumpernickel crumb cakes... Straight people are able to be with somebody because of their heart and not their looks. =D And you guys are dumping each other cause you both have the body type of Perez Hilton instead of Michael Brandon.

Should it make you feel guilty? Hmm. I'm not sure. Maybe or maybe not. But a lot of chubby guys have nice warm soft touches and a lot of guys with good bodies are bad in bed. And a lot of fat nerds have good social skills and treat people kindly. I like that. To me that's a lot more skillfull and cool than some jock boy that is stereotypically 'hot' but YMMV.

I get along with this guy who is I kid you not, about 500 pounds. He adores me and I wish I wasn't so shallow and a typical fag ....to start date him but *cough* he's 500 pounds. I feel like such an ass for treating him this way but he's so nice and cool.
 
heres what you should do. write these things down and come to terms with them:

1. I need to fess up. I'm an asshole who judges people for the way they look. I'm also a hypocrite because I myself don't have a very good body.

2. I say I want compassion and kindness and real love, but all I really want is exciting sex. I judge people sexually, and how much they can sexually stimulate me. To me this is more important than being treated right. There is no way for me to put a pretty bow on this, it JUST IS. I just like some hot gay sex.

3. So maybe monogamy isn't for me either, or committing with one person at a time. Maybe I'm just a typical selfish whore that likes to get fucked by as many hot guys as I can. Is it really so wrong?

4. Now that I know this about myself, can I live life and enjoy myself without all the guilt? Can I really be okay with this? This is, after all, how I truly am not how I wish I was.

If you can get okay with it then go for it. Plenty of men love having sex with only the hottest men possible, (though they themselves are objectively hot as well) Maybe that's the road you want to take?

I will see you in the next gay porn video I watch.
 
Your boyfriend is attributing this change to all sorts of reasons- other people, specifically. But he is responsible for his own behavior. He can't pass it off on his brother, his sister, your looks or anything/anyone else.

He may be able to deal with this in therapy. It's really your choice as to whether you want to take the time or effort to try to repair the relationship (assuming that it can be repaired).

He's setting the tone for his future relationships, though. Eventually, he's going to have to deal with the issue unless he's planning to spend the rest of his life alone.

It might be better to end the romantic part of the relationship, stay friends and for you to move on to someone who is more mature about his feelings and taking responsibility for his own issues.
 
Thanks for the replies, guys.
But erm... I guess what i'm trying to type here has taken a different meaning from what i intended to write, only KaraBulut seems to see through what I intended to say.

For me, sex is not an important thing. I dont even care at all. But from the way i see it, it was written in a wrong way.

What i'm trying to say was, what bother me the most is that any sort physical contact like hug, kiss, holding hands with him even in private place like bedrooms, he seems to shied away. And he even admitted it to me that he cant do those simple affectionate things with me cos of the way i look.

slnattak said:
But then you complain you're not turned on by him because he doesn't have a body that you find attractive, which means that you are essentially being very shallow and caring only about one thing.

Then you say 'but I just want to grow old and have a normal life like straight people' but honey, sweetie pie pumpernickel crumb cakes... Straight people are able to be with somebody because of their heart and not their looks. =D And you guys are dumping each other cause you both have the body type of Perez Hilton instead of Michael Brandon.
Click to expand...

slnattak, you got it all wrong here. First of all, it is him who is not turned on by me as mentioned before your quotes above. Also, the part about growing old, it was him who said it to me, not the other way around. Seems you got it in the wrong perspective. If I were that shallow, he wouldn't be my first boyfriend and the one and only person I've ever had sex with.

Thanks for the advice, KaraBulut. I'll try to work it out.
 
I'd get a friend to find out how your boyfriend truly feels about you. They could ask him questions like 'Do you want to adopt children one day?' and 'Do you see yourself still being in a relationship with [laegolass] 30 years from now?'
 
Relationships were both people are mostly closeted are difficult. I think part of this is because you don't have support around you. And if he really isn't interested in you, his lack of support from family and friends may have served as a catalyst to make him more aware of that.

Personally, I think he was interested in you, but then the lack of support he got from his family made him realize that this relationship was going to be more difficult than he thought it was (because of his family, not because of you) and that made him uncomfortable and so he's not as attracted to you because of all the doubts in his mind.

What country do you live in?
 
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