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axeman_jordan

axeman_jordan

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Hi guys this is my first post and i am already asking advice from you. I am 22 and been seeing a girl for bout 2 years ( who is also now pregnant with my kid), and lately my eyes have been wondering to the guys, and i am finding myself wanting to explore things further. But i still love my girlfriend and after all she is having my kid so i dont just want to up and leave. I dont know what to do and my head is totally confused. I am always having gay dreams and thinking about being with a guy. I like being with my girlfriend but feel something is missing. Does this sound stupid?? So i guess i am asking for your feedback and opinions on what i should do. Thanks :help:
 
Hi axeman, well first of all welcome to JUB! It always take courage to post a personal problem on a forum, but I think you'll find the guys here are pretty supportive and non-judgmental.

In answer to your question, I think your instinct to stay with and support your girlfriend while she's pregnant is the one you should go with. I don't think it particularly matters that it's guys you're interested in rather than other women.

Society is pretty severe in its condemnation of men who cheat on a pregnant woman, and I think there's good reason for that. Later on you can sort out what your sexual interests are and how that affects your relationship.

You may find your feelings changing once the baby is born and you can see him/her for yourself, hold him in your arms, listen to him goo-goo and burp, etc. A lot of the stress of pregnancy goes away at that point.
 
Welcome! Glad to have you here.

I agree that there's a lot stress surrounding the pregnancy that may be brining things to the forefront and making you examine them.

If you've had feelings for men before now, you might be bi-sexual. However, no matter what your sexual preference (or lack thereof), you cannot act on feelings for another person at this point. It's tackey, but you're also doing something that you won't be able to un-do later, and this isn't the time for that move.

Search your feelings, talk to a counselor who can help you sort through what you've got going on.
 
Well, here is how I see it. Forget about the kid for a minute. Are you in love with her? Were you ever? Its hard to tell if you're gay with so little information, but I'm going to assume you are for the purpose of my answer.

My nephew dated a girl and she got pregnant. He felt confused. He wasn't really in love with her. He liked her. NOW what should he do? He decided to do the "right thing" and he married her.

Both he and she tried really hard, for the sake of their child, to make a good marriage. Unfortunately neither one was really in love with the other. After a year they admitted to each other that they would rather break up than stay together and they did.

Their little girl is a teenager now and she has grown up with two very loving and supportive parents. She's a gem; self confident, happy, smart. She did fine.

The moral of the story is that they faced their truth and by doing so were healthy and happy so that they could be good parents to their child. On top of it, they care about each other and have a good relationship.

If you are gay, at some point in the not too distant future you will have to be honest with her. Leave the kid out of the equation. You can always work hard later to be the best father a child could have - married or not. You'll be doing everyone an injustice if you try to hide from your homosexuality for the next 18 years. There's a lot of people who can attest to that. Good luck.

p.s. Agree with the counseling
 
Thanks for your advice guys, I still am confused on what i should do,but i am going to have to decide soon because my girlfriend keeps asking me what is wrong and why i am acting so depressed. So i guess i am not hiding that i am not happy very well.
 
Yeah, that is a tough situation. And it sounds like it is really bothering you. In which case, I'm not sure that sucking it up and hiding from things is the right answer. Not that I am condoning the idea of hooking up with a guy (the guys here will tell you I never agree with random hook ups).

But I think the questions by riverrick are important ones. How do you feel about your gf? Are you sexually attracted to her? Or to other women for that matter?

I don't know that I would suggest talking to the gf about these things right now. I think you will at some point, but pregnancy throws their hormones into a mess and I'm not sure how she'd take it. But it would probably be helpful to talk with somebody about all of this.... a counselor is an excellent idea. At the least, you can post here b/c it's anonymous but it is different than having an actual human face there.

I agree that parents that stay together for "the sake of the children" isn't right. It doesn't work imo b/c the kids then grow up seeing them fight all of the time. It is better if everybody is open and honest with themselves and each other. That is what the kids should learn.
 
Don't try to hide that you're unhappy; it just makes things more confusing later. Let her know it isn't anything she did, and that you'll talk about it later. So long as there isn't any particular guy you have the hots for, there's no urgency, anyway.

Once things are more settled -- like, after the birth -- you can share with her that you're attracted to men, too. She may be one of those gems of a gal who will let you roam a little and explore those urges -- a rare gift, but such a wonder when it happens!

Meanhile, you need to figure out how you feel about it. Do you want to stay with her, but explore, too? Would you like to have your girlfriend and a boyfriend, too? What limits does your sense of obligation, duty, loyalty, etc. put on you? Before you can talk about it with her, you should be confident you know where your feelings, values, and wishes are. That might take seeing a counselor, or it might be something you can figure out by posting here, or by yourself.

Keep us updated, dude!
 
axeman_jordan said:
Thanks for your advice guys, I still am confused on what i should do,but i am going to have to decide soon because my girlfriend keeps asking me what is wrong and why i am acting so depressed. So i guess i am not hiding that i am not happy very well.
Click to expand...

Maybe you should have an honest talk with her. Just tell her what you've told us -- that you're attracted to guys and you don't know how that's going to affect your relationship with her. I think at this point you should listen to what she has to say. You shouldn't just make a decision by yourself.

It's entirely possible that between the two of you, you can come up with an arrangement that works for both of you. One of the things you need to figure out is, if the two of you end your sexual relationship, how much of a role you're going to play as the kid's father.

Good luck, buddy. Try to do the right thing -- there's a lot of important stuff going on here.
 
Ok so here is where i am at tonight, Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and she kept pressing the issue that she knows i am not happy. I still dont know what to say so i just said look honey its nothing you are doing its just i have a lot on my mind and i am getting totally frustrated because i cant think. I said i feel like i am going crazy and dont know what to do. I told her with the pregnancy and everything i am trying to make sure i do the right thing and i am constantly feeling like i am letting everyone down. I know I know i totally blew off what is really wrong, but i dont know how to tell her what is really wrong because i dont want to lose her and not be able to see my kid when he is born. But on the other hand i am still feeling my eyes wonder to looking at guys and still having the dreams. I have never acted out on my urges for guys so how do i even know that i would like it? and then i think i am being totally selfish and wanting both sides ya know. She kept saying Jordan you need to tell me what specifically is wrong so i can help. So what am i supposed to say " honey i want to try being with a guy, but i want to keep you too" . I looked at finding some local :cry: counseling and the only counselors in my area know my parents which isnt a good thing either. So i feel totally trapped and like this is the only place for me to vent. So i am sorry guys i know you are all probabley tired of me posting but i dont know what else to do. I ended up just telling her to give me time to work things out in my head and eventually i we would set down and talk things out. I love my girlfriend with all my heart but when i am with her there just seems to be something missing. well thats my rambling for tonight. just tell me to shut up if you guys get tired of me. Thanks for listening once again:cry: ](*,) :confused: :help:
 
We won't get tired of you. A community means we're there for each other to lend a hand. Is there another area you can find counselling that's not too far away, but not so close to home?
 
We'll never get tired of you. In fact, it would be nice if you posted more often. Tell us anything that is on your mind, as often as you want. Its totally cool.

Try talking to one of the counselors and tell them your concern about confidentiality, Jordan. They have a legal obligation to keep your sessions private. They probably face this sort of thing a lot and can reassure you in some way. I really think some counseling would help you.

In the meantime, please make us happy and post, post, post! :-)
 
Have you tried anonymous phone counselling? Agreed - we won't get tired of you and just as I have found great advice on JUB, I'm sure you will too. Peace...
 
I just went over to see my girlfriend, She is totally pissed at me after i wouldnt just tell her what is wrong with me and why i am so depressed last night. She told me that till i felt like i could trust her enough to talk to her and tell her what was wrong that she thought it would be best if i just left her alone. She wouldnt even get me a chance to say anything. She just said call me when you work the problems out and not till then and closed the door. She isnt answering the phone or anything when i call her parents just say she is busy and give me a big lecture about how i need to get my priorities straight. Anyone wanna trade lives with me???
 
She's going to be like this for a while, probably. I'm thinking that if this is how she reacts when you don't want to tell her what's on your mind, then maybe you should do the counselling thing now and work out what you need to first. Go to the local counselling and insist on being reassured that everything you say will remain confidential and see how even just telling someone else works out.
 
i have been sitting here for like an hour now and decided that i am going to go over and just lay everything on the line. I mean seems like not telling her what is wrong and holding things in is losing her too, so either way i am screwed.
 
That does make sense. I'm sorry you are caught in such a predicament.

We're here if you need us, Jordan. (*8*)
 
sorry about this mess. Looking at the time of your post, I would say get some sleep first and then make decisions. I never make good decisions when I'm tired. Tell her parents to screw off in a nice a way. This isn't any of their business really and they don't have a clue as to what is going on. As to her, typical woman hahaha. Sorry, that's mean (even if true). I agree with the working things out internally first and then telling her. Counselors DO have an obligation to protect privacy but at the same time I could see how that may not seem like it would happen. Is there anybody else in the vicinity... maybe a few miles away?
 
I know people who would say you just need to fuck her brains out.

NOT!!!

I like the honesty thing; I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.



p.s. -- be sure to report back so we won't worry she killed you. (hehe)
 
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