Confused

[Roland00]

Trying to Find you need to relax. I don't know your answer, and I can't tell it to you, only you can do that. But to do so you need to relax and stop analyzing it. Sexuality isn't something you think about, it just happens.

You just need to relax and think in the moment. There is no past, nor future, just the present. There is the present and the void, the void is all the things outside your immediate surroundings, the things that can affect you, since your senses can't distinguish these things for they are outside your enviroment you are going to forget about them, they are part of the void and the void doesn't matter. You are instead going to focus on the moment, this specific instance, live life in the moment.

I am assuming your therapist has taught you some brething exercises, if not ask him about them sometime.

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Trying to Find it is obvious you are a very anixious person. I don't know if its OCD, it could be, but it could just be general anixety which you allowed to consume you to the point it now controls your life. Trying to Find, I don't know if your are gay, bi, or straight and frankly I don't care. I know this is going to sound harsh, but I don't care if you are A, B, or C. It doesn't matter to me, it doesn't affect me. I hope you are happy being whatever you are, but I don't care whatever you are, only thing I care about is are you happy, and do you affect me in any way besides general empathic responses.

It does matter to you though. It does matter to you. You have allowed it to shape very much your feelings and emotions. Try reading your post again, but with this trick. You are going to read the post from the bottom up. Read the last sentence, followed by the second to last sentence, followed by the third to last sentence, etc. Also read the post outloud, do not read it in your mind, say it outloud so you can hear it.

Like this

Again thanks for reading this marathon post. Any thoughts and help is GREATLY appreciated.
I need help.
I suppose I should just follow that, but so much anxiety is accompanying those feelings.
I've scrutinized my sexuality so much I really have no idea... other than my brain and seemingly my heart tells me I want to date guys and be gay.

These tricks in combination will force your mind to slow down, in doing so you are not allowing your anixiety to control your thoughts. Additionally by reading it outloud you are allowing more of your brain to analyze it due to different centers of the braining have to process the information before you can digest it. It will allow you to rational look at yourself and be able to critque yourself instead of falling into the anixety trap.

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Look at yourself rationality and what you want to do. If you want to do something and it won't hurt yourself or others go ahead and do it. Be true to yourself and have fun. Forget about what other people think. Forget about thoughts am I normal or I am usual. Forget about thoughts such as am I this, or that.

Trying to Find you are what you are, you always have been what you are. No amount of questioning or trying to change who you are to an idea of what you should be will change what you are. Moving on and accepting what you are, accepting the things you can change and growing on the things you can't will allow you to blossum.













I am sorry I don't have the answers, and I am sorry if I envoked a strong emotional response from you. Problem is I never had the control of these two things in the first place, only you did, thus I have nothing to be sorry for, for I don't control it. Good Luck, I am hoping for the best with you

 

[Eagle653]

Hi tryingtofind and welcome to JUB!

You've been diagnosed with OCD by someone qualified to Dx you, and some of your issues seem to suggest that. There are medications available that can smooth over some of the intensity of the needing to come to a conclusion regarding your sexuality, as well as the anxiety associated with it. A therapist cannot Rx, but can refer you to a physician who can. Talk therapy is one prong of the treatment, the other is the meds.

Something else you might want to explore in therapy is the idea of a deep-seated internalized homophobia. I know you question that, especially insofar as you have many gay friends and acquaintances in acting. It could be that you're totally accepting of homosexuality in others, yet loathe it in yourself. That does happen sometimes.

Also two things to focus on while overcoming the obsessive need to define your sexuality:

1.) You are more than a moving bag of glands and hormones. You are an actor, a son, brother, friend, man, neighbor, customer, etc. all of which have nothing to do with sex. While you are also a sexual person with feelings, you are more these other things in your daily work-a-day life.

2.) You care more about your sexuality than anyone else cares about your sexuality. That's true with all of us. No matter how you end up identifying yourself, it is only you who will care the most. Ultimately, others care about themselves much more.

You have a complex set of experiences and thoughts/feelings. I'm glad you're untangling all of them professionally--wish more people would. You will get to the root feelings and eventually be able to label them. Just don't be afraid of the label, but accept it. At that point, you can move on without the anxiety.

Good luck. I hope you keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Welcome again!

 

[Roland00]

My previous post should have read.

Trying to Find, I don't know if your are gay, bi, or straight and frankly I don't care. I know this is going to sound harsh, but I don't care if you are A, B, or C. It doesn't matter to me, it doesn't affect me. I hope you are happy being whatever you are, but I don't care what you are, only thing I care about is are you happy, and do you affect me in any way besides general empathic responses.


Good Luck

And I forgot to say welcome to jub

 

[trawler69]

I can only offer observations based on my life, and I certainly can't tell you how to solve your problems I can only try to help you put them into perspective. At times of stress and anxiety by the very nature of them we become obsessed because they affect our functioning in the world. We run around in ever decreasing circles compulsively and blindly so we miss the exit. This is human nature and this is when we turn to others for help. In the past it used to be friends we would turn to and they would help because they were on the outside and could help us see the exit. Some people picked up on this and realised an opportunity and made it their buisiness to be "professional friends" who you could make an appointment with. They gave a label to this part of human nature and called it a dissorder, they validated their profession by being able to cure it and so became an accepted part of the social care world and earned the label of therapist.

I don't doubt their abilities just the reason for their existence when we are surrounded by those who would willingly help us for free. You have many Gay friends, you are not homophobic, you are not frightened of coming out, you are just unsure as to what you are.

In your shoes and with hindsight, I would talk to your friends about it, ask them questions, explain how you feel, see if any of them went through what you are going through now, in the same way you are doing on this forum, to which I welcome you of course. Your friends will also apreciate the fact that you value them enough to ask them and it could deepen those friendships. A person can never have too many good friends, they are our support network.

Please give these ramblings some consideration, don't accept a label of OCD it could apply to any of us at some part in our lives. Talking and listening is the answer.

I wish you all the very best my friend and hope this in some small way helps.

 

[bma1983]

I've read everything you wrote and I am having a hard time trying to figure out why you are in doubts of whether or not you're gay or str8. IMO you are not gay. Why do I say this? Because of what you wrote:

When I am totally in the moment and not thinking about my sexuality... I am still aroused by women both in fantasy and when I am active with them physically... and I am not thinking of guys when I do it.

I'm sorry, but that is not the thinking of a gay man. That is the thinking of str8 and/or bisexual men.

 

[trawler69]

You've not alienated me in the least Mate, I was the one who doubted the value of some therapy because I believe networking with friends has the same result. I can see from your latest posts that this may run deeper. You have been very open and honest and are obviously working hard to find an answer. Coming out to your parents when you are not sure demonstrates that. For many that is the hardest thing to do but you have done it just because you are not sure. You may well be bisexual and part of the problem may be that you want to be one or the other and can't accept the ambiguity of Bi. As I've been fortunate enough not to have this problem I am unable to comment. Thee are meds out there that can help you get over this but I understand that you would prefer to be able to sort this out yourself because you are a strong person, and are frustrated by the way your brain is letting you down, but at least you realise what is going on and are taking positive steps.

It is plain that you are not Gay nor will ever be but you are "Bi-curious." This is where I get shot down in flames, but maybe you should explore this curiosity by trying a Gay relationship or sexual encounter so that you have two realities to compare rather than a reality and a desire. I really think your Gay friends could help you at the same time I understand your desire for anonimity while you sort yourself out but you sound mature enough and brave enough to talk to them and they certainly shouldn't judge you, they will all have experienced doubts and anxiety to some degree, not as great as yours for sure, but they may be able to give you some perspective.

Sorry this is a bit long winded but I am just typing what I am thinking. I was never destined to be a creative writer! Please think about the Bi-curious bit though, a straight colleague once asked me if I was and he was completley serious and considerd it a normal alternative.

Wishing you well

 

[Eagle653]

When men are young, it's very easy to be sexually aroused. Many gay guys are sexually aroused by women, especially when younger (societal expectations leads to hetero dating, which can lead to sex, which can be accomplished successfully often due to high levels of hormones, etc. etc.). This ability to be aroused usually leads to confusion (e.g. "I think I'm gay, but I can be aroused by women, so what does that make me?"). Maybe it makes you a gay guy who has sufficient hormones at this time of your life to get it up with women, maybe it makes you bi--the ability to get it on physically and emotionally with both sexes). Having hetero thoughts while masturbating is but one clue, but not failsafe, because internalized homophobia and societal conditioning can lead to the same result.

It might be that you are as you define yourself to be...at least for the foreseeable future. As you get older, though, and the hormones wane, it will be the true objects of your affection that will get your dick hard. That might be men (only) in which you're gay. Or, it might be either sex, in which you're bi. The key now is to work through not what you are, but why it's consuming you and making you anxious. Once you climb this hill, I suspect everything will fall into place--in time.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey tryingtofind,

Please mate - you need to distract yourself from this train of thought. You are over analysing and reading way too much into far too many things. You are normal. So normal its scary. But you are finding a way to beat yourself up and create yourself a monster....

There is no way I want to trivialise anything you have said here...this is all too real for you and its become an all consuming monster. But you know that. And you also know that thats not how it should be. You are a smart rational guy - its just that in your mind you have made an involuntary decision voluntary.

A question - have you ever noticed how if you start thinking about your breathing how within a few minutes you find yourself short of breath or labouring or over breathing? The same thing with blinking your eyes...if your conscious brain gets involved things get ugly....

When I was struggling with being gay I went and saw a counsellor at the suggestion of my local doctor. He asked me 2 questions about my life and concluded that I was gay. End of discussion. I hated that. He knew what i had spent a lifetime denying in 5 minutes. Mate...you have answered those questions in your posts already. You are str8. As an arrow. But you have asked yourself a question that you were never meant to...and doubt is a powerful thing. Now you are trying to control your breathing....

Is it OCD...mate I wouldnt know...you need to see keep talking to your specialist...but I can tell you what I did when I was consumed every minute of every day with being gay just before I came out. I forced myself to stop thinking about it. Sounds dumb huh? Well mate in the same way your brain has the power to start this questioning it has the power to stop it. You are in charge of your conscious thought.

For one week make a pact with yourself to just try this - Dont try and answer the question when it pops into your head. Count backwards from 100 everytime it enters your mind. Same thing every time you even think about sex or being gay. Distract your mind the instant this topic creeps in. Dont hesitate and be determined. Dont try and be aroused. At all. Let the natural rhythm of your thinking start to creep back.

Its not easy. And its not going to answer the question...but your body and mind will. Being gay is not a choice - we know that. But gay guys can be aroused around women if the stimuli is right...and visa versa as you have found for yourself. But in our dreams, thoughts and involuntary actions the truth is revealed.

Give yourself a chance to see the real you again mate. Make the conscious decision just to switch this debate off. You can do it. You started it - you can stop it. Just believe that you can. And we're always gonna be here for your support!

 

[Roland00]

Tryingtofind based off what you said I think you are most likely straight. There is a possibility that you may be bi with some deep seeted emotional barriers that lock you down, but I don't think that is it. At most I would say you are a 1 on the kinsey scale (0 to 6).

Anixety, Performance Fears, and Depression would explain all the symptoms you are currently facing. It would explain your low libdo. But I aint a professional, and I can only give you advice based of my very limited experience. I would talk to your psych.

Good Luck man