Confusing friendship

[LatinCoffee]

I have a friend that we'll just call JR. I've known him for a couple months now. He confessed to me that he's falling for me. At first, I liked him and was attracted to him but kinda got turned off as he makes comments about other guys and always stares at guys in public. I get embarrassed. I talked to him about it and he makes comments here and there. I did explain that all I want is a friendship as he gives me mixed signals...wanting to be with me but then wanting to be free. So I left it alone. I hang with him because I don't have friends and we have so much fun and have some things in common.

Any advice?

 

[sixthson]

If you're sure all you want from him is friendship, then just keep doing what you do now--hang out and have fun. The only person you can change is yourself. You can't stop him from ogling other guys or making comments. Just ignore it. Enjoy your friend even with his flaws.

 

[aaggii]

So if you´re not into him, why does it bother you that he´s checking out other guys?

 

[LatinCoffee]

If you're sure all you want from him is friendship, then just keep doing what you do now--hang out and have fun. The only person you can change is yourself. You can't stop him from ogling other guys or making comments. Just ignore it. Enjoy your friend even with his flaws.

Thank you.

 

[LatinCoffee]

So if you´re not into him, why does it bother you that he´s checking out other guys?

Because one time we went out to a bar and there were guys checking me out. He got bothered by it. When he confessed that he had feelings for me...before and after he would make comments about other guys..how he wanted to do them, etc.

 

[TX-Beau]

Because one time we went out to a bar and there were guys checking me out. He got bothered by it. When he confessed that he had feelings for me...before and after he would make comments about other guys..how he wanted to do them, etc.

That didn't answer the question.

 

[KaraBulut]

They're asking whether you're jealous that he notices other guys vs paying attention to you.

 

[tarallucci]

You are turned off by some of his ways but have some things in common. Doesn't seem it can be more than an average friendship.

 

[LatinCoffee]

They're asking whether you're jealous that he notices other guys vs paying attention to you.

I understood very well. I just don't get how you can tell someone you are falling for them yet make comments about other guys in a sexual way. I'm very old fashioned.

 

[TX-Beau]

I understood very well. I just don't get how you can tell someone you are falling for them yet make comments about other guys in a sexual way. I'm very old fashioned.

That's not "old fashioned" that sounds more narcissistic. The point is that if you don't want him why are you getting upset that he looks at others. Your answer was that he said he liked you and therefore? What? You're "old fashioned" and now he has to only look at you? You don't want him, or so you say.

You turned him down now he's not allowed to look at other guys, for how long? You can see how that might look selfish.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I did explain that all I want is a friendship as he gives me mixed signals...wanting to be with me but then wanting to be free. So I left it alone. I hang with him because I don't have friends and we have so much fun and have some things in common.
Any advice?

I understood very well. I just don't get how you can tell someone you are falling for them yet make comments about other guys in a sexual way. I'm very old fashioned.

One way to tell your real friends from the users is what happens when you're at a club with them.

Real friends go out with you and have a good time with you. Users go out with you because they don't want to be alone at the bar but the minute they meet someone, it's "Bye, Felicia. Take a taxi".

So, your first question is whether this guy is your friend or whether he's just using you as a friend.... plus playing up his attraction to you, until something better comes along.

The rest is pretty simple. If you've said, "We're just friends" and the other person can't respect your boundaries, then get rid of them. There are other people who want real friends and your time is better spent seeking them out.

 

[LatinCoffee]

One way to tell your real friends from the users is what happens when you're at a club with them.

Real friends go out with you and have a good time with you. Users go out with you because they don't want to be alone at the bar but the minute they meet someone, it's "Bye, Felicia. Take a taxi".

So, your first question is whether this guy is your friend or whether he's just using you as a friend.... plus playing up his attraction to you, until something better comes along.

The rest is pretty simple. If you've said, "We're just friends" and the other person can't respect your boundaries, then get rid of them. There are other people who want real friends and your time is better spent seeking them out.

Thank you.

 

[TX-Beau]

I have to say that real friends go out with you and then have fun, and don't begrudge you getting lucky, unless they have some reason to resent it.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't know the whole story, obviously, but I'm surmising that you heard him comment on other guys and his indicating he'd date you all at the same time. The two things don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Why don't you have a nice quiet conversation with him, ask questions and share some things about yourself he doesn't yet know.

I think, for you're own well-being, you're going to have to examine your sense of "old-fashioned," because what you describe sounds a lot like control and possessiveness.

Relationships are actually contracts renewed on a daily basis. Taking someone for granted is an easy way to end a relationship. Give a partner space and hope he gets turned on during the course of his day. He's coming home to take it out on you! ��

 

[aaggii]

Because one time we went out to a bar and there were guys checking me out. He got bothered by it. When he confessed that he had feelings for me...before and after he would make comments about other guys..how he wanted to do them, etc.

Again, my question. If there´s nothing between you two, none of you should feel anything regarding the other one and the people you might attract. Both of you need to stop this highschool crap.

 

[sixthson]

I understood very well. I just don't get how you can tell someone you are falling for them yet make comments about other guys in a sexual way. I'm very old fashioned.

My guess would be that he is not so much falling for you, as in love, as he is in lust. If that is the case, he is obviously lusting after lots of other guys, too. If it really were love, his focus would likely be more exclusive towards you.
You said he got jealous when other guys showed interest in you. Now you are butt-hurt because other guys make his dick hard after you told him you don't feel the same way about him? You can't have it all, you know?

Is he being sexual with other guys or just talking about it?

 

[mcbrion]

I don't see narcissism here. A guy says he's falling for him, and yet makes sexual comments about other guys?? Put this in the straight arena: can you see a woman going on several dates with a guy she's starting to like, and he's told her he's falling in love with her, yet he continues to point out other women on the date and say, "she's hot, I'd like to screw her" and she doesn't get discouraged, or think he's an idiot for behaving like that? Yeah, I just don't know many women who'd still like the guy after that. (Or even be willing to see clearly what's happening and be "friends" with him.)

So Latincoffee decides just to be friends since the guy's behavior isn't matching his words, and that's narcissistic? LC clearly said he liked the guy until the guy started making comments (while out with him) about other guys and then, when he started to lose his attraction for the guy, even told the guy what he was feeling, and more importantly, why, and when the comments didn't change or lessen, he decided to just have a platonic relationship because the other guy is giving mixed signals. Not that he wanted to just be friends, but the other guy was actively sabotaging any chance of growing intimacy by interjecting sexual comments about other guys to LC when in his company. LC's being pretty agreeable, I think. He can still enjoy the guy's company now that he's realized it's not headed towards falling in love. And it sounds like he's (LC) "present" for the guy when he's with him and can have fun with him despite all this. Pretty fair-minded. If LC stomped off in a huff, maybe I'd see it differently, but he's taking it on the chin, and enjoying what fun he can have with this guy.
I think Sixthson's post is the most accurate. The other guy sounds like it's Lust, not love, but he said otherwise, perhaps as a ploy to get into LC pants, or maybe he just says things to get a reaction. Or perhaps he's just juvenile, emotionally speaking.