Confusing Straight Guy

[SayWhat]

You guys probably see this a lot, so I'll apologize in advance for the broken record nature of this post.

I'm seriously confused about a "straight" friend of mine, though. Normally I'd just blow it off, but we've been getting really close over the last few months and now he's asking me to get an apartment with him. I feel like we should talk about this before that happens, though.

Here are the "signs" that have lead to the confusion:

• Touching: He always tugs my hair, plays with my ears, and pinches my nipples. He knows that I'm gay and these things turn me on. Any time he gets up from the group, he squeezes my shoulder or something as he walks away. I've recently started touching him randomly and pinching him back, and he doesn't pull away or anything.
• Distance: Other straight friends I have had, even if they're not homophobes, have been sure to put a distance between us. However, when we're sitting down, he'll sit so close that our shoulders touch.
• We've slept in the same bed several times. I always wear sweats and a shirt so he doesn't get uncomfortable. He strips down to his boxers, though. Furthermore, when we wake up in the morning, instead of changing in the bathroom when he gets out of the shower, he comes back into the room and changes in front of me. What kind of bullshit is that?!
• He blows off girls to hang out with me now. There have been girls that obviously want him physically, but he'll blow them off so we can rent a movie together.
• Hugs: He doesn't do the one-armed over the shoulder straight guy hug with me. He approaches me straight forward, wraps both arms around me, and squeezes hard for several seconds. When he's drunk, he'll seriously hug me for minutes at a time.
• I'm not the only one that's confused! Our friends are starting to ask questions. I've been very particular to not talk about him to my friends because I didn't want rumors to start. I also don't get touchy feely with him in front of his friends. But they're observant! His male friends and my female friends have all been asking what the deal is between us.

Do you think this behavior warrants a "What the heck is going on between us?" conversation? And if so, how would you go about approaching that subject.

Any advice is GREATLY appreciated!!!!

 

[Willie Boy]

It is possible he's just an open, physical guy. But it is possible there is more going on. The two of you should talk. Especially since it appears to be making you a bit uncomfortable.

 

[SayWhat]

It is possible he's just an open, physical guy. But it is possible there is more going on. The two of you should talk. Especially since it appears to be making you a bit uncomfortable.

It doesn't make me uncomfortable exactly. It just makes me question his motives behind the behavior. If I know it's just friendly, fine. If I know it's flirty, even better. I just need to know!

How do you initiate that conversation, though? On one hand, I don't want to look like I'm desperately in love with him. But on the other hand, I don't want to close any doors by pretending that I don't have feelings for him. And I definitely don't want to offend him either way!

 

[HornyHenry]

I think he may have the hots for you. I ended up fucking a guy who was engaged to a broad when I was in college. He came on to me and wanted me(and my meat).

 

[texan_slant]

I'm gay, and all of my straight friends, are that affectionate to me. Word of advice - until guys actually say they're gay, assume that they are straight.

Take if for what it is, enjoy and appreciate the closeness;

Since you're out, if he wants to take it there, then the ball is clearly in his court, but unless he's out, assume that he just wants to have some fun and nothing more.

 

[bankside]

Here's another thing: straight guys enjoy non-sexual affection with other guys. I would even say they need it.

And they don't often get it, because everybody has a little bit of gay paranoia that if they hug another guy then they must want to bend over and get fucked. They don't get much opportunity to just be themselves around another guy and let loose like that, so when they actually find it, they love it.

It is a great kind of freedom and friendship, and totally non sexual on his part, and he might be totally oblivious that he is opening up another side of himself that is appealing to you.

If he is straight, it may not have even crossed his mind that you are both standing somewhere between "friendship territory" and "relationship territory." It may be a surprise, or he might have realized it, but it may be confusing to him.

I had a straight friend who acted a lot like the guy you describe, who started having the same questions you had about what kind of relationship this was, so at least he clued in on his own. He would talk about it more and more openly, to the point where he said several times that if I was a woman he would have married me already, and that he couldn't figure out why he hadn't put the moves on me already, or why he didn't want to, because everything else was perfect.

That was strangely easy for him to say, when it finally came out, because he's straight. But it wasn't as easy for me to hear because I'm not, and the fact that he was another guy was not exactly a problem for me. I don't think he even realised how that would come across. I think he is probably open enough that we could have fooled around, but the most it ever would have been is an experiment for him and maybe a fun memory, but we both knew that his relationship happiness ultimately would require a woman.

Your friend could be open to more than just friendship. He's teasing you a bit, which might be fun for him, but he shouldn't mess with your head. Pinching nipples - he knows that he is flirting with a gay guy. Obviously he enjoys it. He knows he's playing with fire, and maybe even he is not sure if he is serious or just teasing. Maybe he just wants it to be a fun way to turn into something more without having "the big conversation" or something. And maybe he wants something more but has no idea how far he wants to take it. Or maybe he just wants to mess with your head because he thinks you can handle it, and he'd back off if he knew it what it was really doing.

So, meet him halfway. Next time he pinches your nipples, smile and tell him to stop it because it's giving you wood. He'll either laugh and stop or maybe he won't. If he doesn't stop, tell him not to start anything he doesn't want to finish and then look into his eyes until he understands you're serious. And maybe he will want to stop. Maybe he won't. But either way you will have your answer and you'll know what kind of a situation you're moving in to.

It would be fun and maybe less pressure if you could just move in together and sort it all out over time, but before you take on the responsibilities of a lease together, I definitely think it would be good to know if it is as friends, or as friends who are open to more.

 

[SayWhat]

I think he may have the hots for you. I ended up fucking a guy who was engaged to a broad when I was in college. He came on to me and wanted me(and my meat).

It seems like if it was just a fling/experimental thing, moving in together wouldn't be a very smart next step...

 

[SayWhat]

Here's another thing: straight guys enjoy non-sexual affection with other guys. I would even say they need it.

And they don't often get it, because everybody has a little bit of gay paranoia that if they hug another guy then they must want to bend over and get fucked. They don't get much opportunity to just be themselves around another guy and let loose like that, so when they actually find it, they love it.

It is a great kind of freedom and friendship, and totally non sexual on his part, and he might be totally oblivious that he is opening up another side of himself that is appealing to you.

If he is straight, it may not have even crossed his mind that you are both standing somewhere between "friendship territory" and "relationship territory." It may be a surprise, or he might have realized it, but it may be confusing to him.

I had a straight friend who acted a lot like the guy you describe, who started having the same questions you had about what kind of relationship this was, so at least he clued in on his own. He would talk about it more and more openly, to the point where he said several times that if I was a woman he would have married me already, and that he couldn't figure out why he hadn't put the moves on me already, or why he didn't want to, because everything else was perfect.

That was strangely easy for him to say, when it finally came out, because he's straight. But it wasn't as easy for me to hear because I'm not, and the fact that he was another guy was not exactly a problem for me. I don't think he even realised how that would come across. I think he is probably open enough that we could have fooled around, but the most it ever would have been is an experiment for him and maybe a fun memory, but we both knew that his relationship happiness ultimately would require a woman.

Your friend could be open to more than just friendship. He's teasing you a bit, which might be fun for him, but he shouldn't mess with your head. Pinching nipples - he knows that he is flirting with a gay guy. Obviously he enjoys it. He knows he's playing with fire, and maybe even he is not sure if he is serious or just teasing. Maybe he just wants it to be a fun way to turn into something more without having "the big conversation" or something. And maybe he wants something more but has no idea how far he wants to take it. Or maybe he just wants to mess with your head because he thinks you can handle it, and he'd back off if he knew it what it was really doing.

So, meet him halfway. Next time he pinches your nipples, smile and tell him to stop it because it's giving you wood. He'll either laugh and stop or maybe he won't. If he doesn't stop, tell him not to start anything he doesn't want to finish and then look into his eyes until he understands you're serious. And maybe he will want to stop. Maybe he won't. But either way you will have your answer and you'll know what kind of a situation you're moving in to.

It would be fun and maybe less pressure if you could just move in together and sort it all out over time, but before you take on the responsibilities of a lease together, I definitely think it would be good to know if it is as friends, or as friends who are open to more.

Thanks for the insight! I think this is the most realistic response anyone could expect. The only issue is that the apartment he wants to get is five states away from where I currently live. He just moved and he's been asking me to move as well. I'm probably crazy for even considering that kind of jump, but I need a change in pace and it's good timing. My feelings for him a nice sideline prize.

 

[New2This]

I'd say I'm 90% straight, quite comfortable around homosexuality and gay men.

I'm also quite physical person.. if it were me and my friend asked what was going on, it'd probably alienate me.

I wouldn't read into it too far, maybe he just likes contact.

 

[jasoncrew03]

I would say "Dude, space or fuck. PICK ONE!". I've done it before.

 

[SayWhat]

I'd say I'm 90% straight, quite comfortable around homosexuality and gay men.

I'm also quite physical person.. if it were me and my friend asked what was going on, it'd probably alienate me.

I wouldn't read into it too far, maybe he just likes contact.

Damn damn damn. That's what I'm afraid of.

I understand some people like contact.

I just don't understand how a guy (straight/gay/otherwise) would NOT grasp what kind of signals he's sending. If you know the guy is gay and you're laying in bed with him at 3AM watching a movie in the dark and you reach over and caress his ear or pinch his nipple... UM HELLO!

 

[jasoncrew03]

I'd say I'm 90% straight,

...... No offense but you had sex with a guy (albeit inebriated) and are interested in doing it again. That's not 90% straight.

 

[diamondstar]

@TC: First of all, that's one pretty big move ur about to make "Five states away...WOW!". Anyways, I just want to say to U that I think it's best if U keep ur opinion on ur "Straight' friend to yourself. For it U speak ur mind, U might just end up ruining a good friendship. If he likes U, he'll finally gather to courage to let U know he's 100% into U.

 

[New2This]

...... No offense but you had sex with a guy (albeit inebriated) and are interested in doing it again. That's not 90% straight.

Touche. In my defense, I like to be the best at what I do and I was wayyy out of it when it happened..

 

[New2This]

Damn damn damn. That's what I'm afraid of.

I understand some people like contact.

I just don't understand how a guy (straight/gay/otherwise) would NOT grasp what kind of signals he's sending. If you know the guy is gay and you're laying in bed with him at 3AM watching a movie in the dark and you reach over and caress his ear or pinch his nipple... UM HELLO!

Yeah, I can see your point, but some people just like to be liked. My best friend, who is very straight, flirts outravously with my brother, who is gay. I've even caught him in a video (in the background) when we were at a party, reaching out and literally grabbing my brothers crotch.

My advice, just go stay as you are, if he wants to take it further, he will. Sounds like you have something a lot of people would want.

 

[monkeymann]

Sooo I think you should maybe have a few beers with him and ask before you go rushing off into another state with him.

 

[evanrick]

i think wanting another guys dick and being gay are totally different things.

one is physical, another is emotional.

this guy is being physical, so i wouldn't count on him being straight.

however, if any guy i found attractive, gay or straight, did those things to me, i would probably grab his hand if he touched me like that.

if he pulls away then hes probably straight lol... just one way to test the waters...or you could ask..but that, as someone else said, could confuse or alienate him.

 

[SayWhat]

i think wanting another guys dick and being gay are totally different things.

one is physical, another is emotional.

this guy is being physical, so i wouldn't count on him being straight.

however, if any guy i found attractive, gay or straight, did those things to me, i would probably grab his hand if he touched me like that.

if he pulls away then hes probably straight lol... just one way to test the waters...or you could ask..but that, as someone else said, could confuse or alienate him.

Good idea. I've tried little things... Like if we're teasing each other and he says something mean (as a joke) I'll pinch the back of his elbow. I was also running my fingers up and down his back after we woke up one morning and he didn't pull away.

I'll have to try something a little more direct.

 

[Nomenclature]

Here's another thing: straight guys enjoy non-sexual affection with other guys. I would even say they need it.

A valid point.


Men completely lack the emotional support that women take for granted; Women get to vent, be angry, cry or show affection to their friends when necessary. . .but if a guy does any of this, he's seen as "weak" or "gay". So, many men keep their emotions bottled up and can let some of this out in unhealthy ways. Strong male bonding was always a cornerstone of the strongest societies in history; they got shit done.


-----

Thanks for the insight! I think this is the most realistic response anyone could expect. The only issue is that the apartment he wants to get is five states away from where I currently live. He just moved and he's been asking me to move as well. I'm probably crazy for even considering that kind of jump, but I need a change in pace and it's good timing. My feelings for him a nice sideline prize.

Good idea. I've tried little things... Like if we're teasing each other and he says something mean (as a joke) I'll pinch the back of his elbow. I was also running my fingers up and down his back after we woke up one morning and he didn't pull away.

I'll have to try something a little more direct.

Well, He COULD just be a "Bros Before Hoes"-kinda guy. . .except that, from what I understand, you're openly gay. I'm not exactly sure how much this changes, but most of the straight men i've been out to were very apprehensive about getting too close to me. Sometimes, we'd speak for awhile, they would be completely fine with my sexuality and we could open up and talk about anything in the world together. . .but if they they were becoming too close to me, they would withdraw and attempt to cut their ties with me, sometimes in a hostile way.



So, as a general rule: A truly straight men will be offended if they think you're making them question their sexuality in any way, even if you never directly make any kind of move on them. If he knows you're gay and is still very close to you, he's either the most secure person in the world, or there's a slight chance that he may be curious or closeted.



Proceed with caution.

 

[evanrick]

why would you move to be with this guy? are you friends or more? seems like it wouldnt work out and would get too complicated too quickly.