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Confusion about my wants and needs

Charliose

Charliose

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I met a great guy recently. He's good spirited, nice, caring and damned persistent. He's not the epitome of what is sexy, but I'm cool with that... or at least, I think I am.

I've been telling myself for years that I want to actually be in a relationship, but now that the opportunity has arisen, I'm not sure that it's actually what I want - at least, with this person. We don't live exactly nearby each other. He lives in DC Proper, and I live in Woodbridge, VA. I'm not working and don't often have the money (though I have lots of time) to go into the city and see him. We stay in touch and everything, but the longer we're apart, the more I want to mess around with someone else (which I agreed to not do) or just end it because it's too frustrating right now. I haven't yet, and I'm not sure I will, because I don't know what I actually want and it's INFURIATING.

Our relationship consists of going to a movie (and maybe dinner) and then going to his place, having sex, and going back about our daily lives. I feel that's a bit... not complete - not wholly what I'm looking for. It's stable, it's safe, and it's fun, but it doesn't feel whole.

I'm not even sure how to continue this. I think I'm just looking for a vent - or advice. I'm at a turning point in my life, but I think I've been turning too long. Thoughts?
 
There seems to be a theory that if two guys are vaguely compatible, then a relationship should just naturally result. And that's not necessarily the case. There should also be some sort of "spark" that compels you to stay together. It sounds like you like this guy OK. You enjoy his company fine, and the sex is presumably OK (since you'd probably say if it was awful OR mind-blowing). He's convenient and satisfactory, but that's it. Sort of like the bread they serve at many restaurants. It's there, and it's fine, so sure - you'll have some. But you won't go out of your way to order any. You've been with him long enough that it sounds like you've given it time to see if something develop...but really nothing has. Given that, I don't see any reason to take this any further. Just let him know you're fine with him as a casual friend, or an occasional lay, but you're not really feeling any sparks with him. If he wants to stay your friend, or occasional fuck chum, you're fine with that. But if he wants a boyfriend, you're just not feeling that with him.

Lex
 
What Lex said is right on point...........

be honest with him and your self and don't lead him on. Be a mature adult and the right guy will appear for you when you are ready, and sometimes things happen with your not expectiing.

But if there is no major/good sparks going on now, not likely that they will, so just let him know that you'd rather be good friends either with w/o benifits. He may not like it and or want that. Then you either cut ties or go on being just friends..
 
Just because it works, doesn't mean it's the best you can do or that relationships in general aren't your thing. If it's not going anywhere for you, then the best course is to end it before he becomes too invested.
 
From what you've written, it seems as though you need to move on. There seems to be a spark missing, but I'm wondering how your perspective would change if you were working. Just wondering if you're in a general state of dissatisfaction.
 
What everyone else said.

Or, more bluntly, he sounds like a reliable fuckbuddy. That's all.
 
I'll keep my post short, this is just a re-wording of what most of the guys above me have already said, but it's some of the best advice I got from one of my absolute best friends: Never settle. Especially when you know you can do better. It's good because it's applicable to your situation and many others. Good luck!
 
I hate to be the nay-sayer in all this positive feedback, but I just want to point out that relationships take effort. You won't just fall into one naturally (unless your life happens to be owned by Disney, in which case you should be due for an effortless happily ever after any day now).

If you would be settling, I would agree that you should probably move on. But if you never take the effort to make something happen it won't. I'm not saying that you should drop everything and wait until you have the money to start a life together, but I wouldn't let him go unless you think the effort you put into the relationship isn't worth the potential benefit.
 
That's definitely true, although if the spark isn't there, no effort will put it there. That said, I wasn't into my current boyfriend at first. I liked him as a person a lot, and the sex was great, but we were definitely just fuck buddies. But then some time passed, he was there for me a few times when it mattered, and the spark came. Now I can even call it love, I think :)

Some times it's not about effort, it's about time.
 
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