Confusion...

[qwerty20]

Sorry if this will come out long winded but I think this anonymity will help me get some things off my chest and also some opinions about what I think. Im just confused with myself lately and I dont know what else to do.
I am a 22 year old male going to college. On top of it, I am either gay or bi but im not out. I really dont know which one as I find myself liking guys yet the "normal" and easy thing to do is like girls so I do. Im not the best looking person as I have some extra pounds and I am trying to change that right now, however I dont like myself being gay also.
I consider myself open minded, but is it a problem that I get angry whenever I see a rather femimine acting gay guy to where I want to hit him and tell him to man up. Yet I know that is just who he is and he has a right to be who he wants to be. I cant force anyone to change and . I guess its more of a jealousy thing as I cant fathem acting like that(sorry for the stereotype).I also hear people around my campus talking about those "fags" and how much they hate them and how they wish they would just jump off a bridge too. At first I agree with them, but later on I realize they are talking about me as well and I dont like it. So I just say quite and let them do all the speaking and dont stop them.i just go with the flow so to speak.
I want to be straight and feel that I act "straight" enough, however its just weird. I was raised by a single mother and she would be supportive of me no matter what I do in life, but I would really like to be a "normal" child for her and have a wife, kids, and a good job. I've even researched those "ex-gay" groups and figured that could definately help me sort things out. I almost inquired to one about signing up, but upon further research, I realized they were a fraud and need to be shut down asap. If anything I wrote sounds contradictory or confusing, believe me it sucks on my part as I just dont know what to think. Also before anyone asks, no I am not suicidal. I just want some input.

 

[Eagle653]

Hello qwerty and welcome to JUB.

Many of us were where you are now and what you write resonates with us. I know it does with me.

You're 22 and in college and you're beginning to realize you have certain feelings and attractions and you don't like them. You want to be straight ("normal") and have a wife, kids, grandkids for your mother, and the whole package.

What's good about you is that you're more in tuned with yourself than many of us were. Many of us felt we could "pull it off," despite those inconvenient attractions, only to ultimately fail.

Don't make that same mistake, leaving a trail of pain and tears in your wake. You're gay, and while you might not like it, you do know it on many levels. Your job isn't to change--because you can't--but, rather, to accept yourself and be happy with who you are. Once you can take that step, you'll be amazed at how the confusion lessens, so does the anger, and you can then move on comfortably.

How do you do that? Part of it is time and continued maturity. If your campus has a counseling center, a few sessions with a professional can help guide you through that just by giving you a chance to talk and explore your feelings.

Good luck to you. I'm glad you're here and I hope we hear more from you.

 

[Seasoned]

You are normal whatever your sexual orientation. Society is not normal in not readily accepting a spectrum of sexuality. Life is easier to a lot of people in black and white. Unfortunately, that's not reality.

Your rush to violent feelings when you see a fem guy I would guess is your internalized homophobia. It sounds like it's something you want to beat out of yourself.

At 22 some of that hetero bravado you hear from your peers is just that. Soon, one or more will be confronted with homosexuality within their families or high school peer group. I think a lot of it is just words. I would hope you'd not allow any verbal or physical abuse by these guys. And if, in fact, this isn't just a sorting out of ideas and your buds are really Neanderthals you need to dump them and associate with a better class of people.

The so called ex-gay "movement" is damaging. It's taken me many years and a marriage and children but there is no doubt in my mind that I was given a gift that some people are very jealous that I have. By having to swim upstream so to speak I have insights that someone without that struggle doesn't have.

 

[landers]

You can still have a good job, "wife" kids and loving family, it just might look a little different than what you thought. I call it the Gay American Dream: ruggedly handsome firefighter husband, 2.1 adopted Asian Children, and a plush job as a junior partner at a boutique law firm where you spend your days sticking it to the breeders (yes we have our own derogatory names for heterosexuals).

In addition to some counseling, you should also look into some support groups, if there are any in your area. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last person to have trouble coming to terms with their sexuality.

 

[Telstra]

Don't get marry until you know what you want.
Until you know you want to be:
1/ gay with husband/multiple partners
2/ bi with multiple partners
3/ straight with wife

 

[KaraBulut]

What you're describing is what psychologists call "transference". It's taking feelings about one thing and transferring it to another.

You're going through a period where you're fighting with your own feelings about being gay. Instead of fighting that battle with yourself, you're directing that anger toward guys who are openly gay. Perhaps you're angry that they're a stereotype you don't want to be. Perhaps you're angry that they can be out and open when you cannot.

You've figured out that you can't change your feelings. You will always be what you are. Instead of fighting this battle, maybe it's time to find a way to have a family and the kind of life you want- just with a guy instead of a wife?

 

[Anders123]

One of the toughest things for me about accepting that I was gay, was feeling like what I had thought my life was going to be, was not going to come to fruition. To a certain extent, that was true.

I'm not going to have a wife, and I'm not going to have children with her, and I'm not going to be an amazing father to those children; that's not to say I'm not going to get married some day, that's not to say I'm not going to adopt amazing children that I'm going to love as my own, that's not to say I'm not going to be an amazing father. Hell, those things might not happen, even with a man, but that's not to say I wont be happy.

Your post to me, shows that you're battling with your conditioned thought patterns. Your habitual thought process tells you to play along and agree with your friends, but now that you're starting to understand that you're gay, you're realizing that it's offensive and ignorant -- it's great that you can identify that, really. You'd be surprised by how many gay people can't. It's also good that through understanding this, you don't hit them, or tell them to man up, and you don't join in with your friends. Again, you'd be surprised by how many confused gay people would.

Being gay does not mean conforming to the stereotype. You don't need to have a lisp or an interest in fashion and pop divas to be gay. That being said, those are not negative characteristics. I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel like you wouldn't fit in with gay people because you don't act like that, and you shouldn't feel like you're not really gay because you're not interested in those things. You are who you are, and isn't there a part of you that's excited to discover just exactly who that is? I know that I am with myself.

Don't worry, you're perfectly normal. You should stick around here, post a bit, get to know some people. That really helped me when I was coming to terms with being gay (which was actually quite recent, mind you), because it helped me realize that all of these people are gay (or bi), and all of these people are amazing. They're living happy lives without being married to a woman; yes, that's possible! It also helped me realize that these are people who are perfectly comfortable and happy with who they are, and seeing that is helping me toward being in a similar place.

By the way, don't let thoughts of 'coming out' or 'disappointing' your mother cloud your judgment (my mother was actually just happy and proud of me for coming out). She loves you, and she wants you to be happy. And the best thing you can do for yourself, and her, is live a happy life, but having a wife and kids would not give you that. Just know that accepting that you're gay yourself, doesn't mean you have to run around telling everyone the next day. Take it at your own pace, and don't overwhelm yourself with all of the things you may have to deal with, just take it one step at a time.

Good luck!

 

[qwerty20]

thanks everyone..glad im not alone in my thinking as I was being conflicted about what to think.

 

[TNniceguy]

My friend, it is easy to be confused. You are just starting out with life and have many many more happy years ahead of you.

With that said, I think I would look at counseling your school may offer or joining at Straight/Gay Alliance on campus. Sometimes just being able to talk with someone that can help you see yourself goes a long way. It sure can't hurt anything. You've got to be comfortable with yourself first and you are who you are. No one can change that or take it away from you.

Like the other folks have said, hang around here and read what others post on how they handle situations. Keep us posted.