Considering open relationship

[lovethetoole]

I am a gay guy in my early 20s and have been with my boyfriend for about a year. We live a few hours apart most of the time. With school and work, we don't get to see each other whenever we want to. Only certain weekends, and holidays. I've been considering asking him if he wants an open relationship when we're this far apart from each other. And I did not know how he'd take it. But recently when I spoke to him I jokingly brought it up and he rejected the idea. So now I kinda don't know what to do. I will never cheat on him. But if I do bring it up for real and he rejects it again, I will stay with him. I don't want to lose him. Just wondering if anyone's gone through a similar situation.

 

[Just_Believe18]

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about it. The problem in this case is that you already established a monogamous relationship with him despite the long distance. To change the conditions of the relationship is going to be a testy issue.

Why do you feel the need to have an open relationship? Are you not sexually satisfied enough? What are your motivations for it?

I'm glad that you've already decided to drop the idea if he rejects it. However, you won't know until you actually sit down and have a serious discussion with him about it. I'd recommend doing it in person, not over the phone nor Internet.

 

[bankside]

Having a boyfriend means having the one person you want to be with. It doesn't matter if he is across the street or across the country - when you know he's the guy for you, nobody else will do.

So I don't get why it makes a difference whether you are a few hours apart or not. If he is your special guy, it's a few hours worth waiting. My boyfriend is not my boyfriend because he is conveniently located.

On the other hand some people do not want just one person to be with; they sincerely hope to have more sexual and/or romantic connections with other people without losing the relationship they have. This is an experimental kind of relationship, but it seems to work for some people.

Once again though, that has nothing to do with how near you are to your guy. If you sincerely want an open relationship, you should want it if he lives across the country or across the street.

But from what you say your thoughts keep going back to him. Are you maybe just bored when you're not with him or frustrated that you can't touch him or even just uneasy with both of you apart?

My guy and I were long distance for a couple of years, and we saw each other as often as possible but also got good at expressing ourselves on the phone…fun times, close moments, horny thoughts, it kept us in touch until the weekend.

 

[Seasoned]

^ I agree that relationships aren't "opened" based on distance alone. Every couple has their own story of how they navigate through life and every person has their own way of how they treat sex. Some see it as more emotional than other and therefore would want involvement rather than release. It is possible to have intimacy and sex, long distance. Some people will end a relationship because of distance. Others might cheat. Have your discussion with him and see were it goes. How long before you'll be able to live together?

 

[Rolyo85]

Your posting this, and having even brought it up "jokingly" to him means you are currently not satisfied with the relationship. And even though you say you'll drop the issue if he isn't ok with it, I predict it will eat at you.

Now, the good news is this has nothing to do with your feelings for him, and doesn't say anything bad about you. I am totally with you on the matter. It just means you need more physical intimacy than a long distance relationship could provide.

I DO NOT agree with people who completely tie the sexual and the romantic. To me sex is only special when it's with a special person, and has a completely different meaning when it's not. I like to think that if I end up in a mature LTR (which is only plausible in my case if I know we'll get together down the line), my bf will know that someone with my sex drive simply *needs* the occasional roll in the sack, and that my feelings are serious enough to not be damaged or redirected by casual sex.

I think in many cases a long term relationship is strengthened by this rather than weakened, as forced abstinence can create bitterness.

 

[hotatlboi]

I think in many cases a long term relationship is strengthened by this rather than weakened, as forced abstinence can create bitterness.

Dan Savage talked a lot about this and I think it makes sense to some degree.

Everyone knows that men are wired by evolution to want sex with as many partners as possible, while women tend to crave one on one commitment. So when you have two men in a relationship, if one of them wants to have a fling with someone else but that's forbidden, it can cause problems.

That's not to say everyone is like that though. There are obviously many couples quite happy with being totally monogamous.

 

[bankside]

Your posting this, and having even brought it up "jokingly" to him means you are currently not satisfied with the relationship. And even though you say you'll drop the issue if he isn't ok with it, I predict it will eat at you.

Now, the good news is this has nothing to do with your feelings for him, and doesn't say anything bad about you. I am totally with you on the matter. It just means you need more physical intimacy than a long distance relationship could provide.

I DO NOT agree with people who completely tie the sexual and the romantic. To me sex is only special when it's with a special person, and has a completely different meaning when it's not. I like to think that if I end up in a mature LTR (which is only plausible in my case if I know we'll get together down the line), my bf will know that someone with my sex drive simply *needs* the occasional roll in the sack, and that my feelings are serious enough to not be damaged or redirected by casual sex.

I think in many cases a long term relationship is strengthened by this rather than weakened, as forced abstinence can create bitterness.

To me, sex drive and monogamy/open relationships are two separate issues…

I understand the difference between sexual and romantic. To me they overlap and intertwine but are still distinct. My guy and I sometimes make love, but sometimes we fuck.

The reason I say sex drive is a different question is because I could gladly have sex multiple times a day, but with him. Even when I have fantasies that could only become real with more than just the two of us in the room, in my mind it is always with him, not instead of him. A long distance relationship didn't work for us because we both need more intimacy than occasional contact can allow, but sleeping with a substitute person wouldn't work either because I want the connection to be with him. You know, in an ideal world, 4 times a day… Hah!

I think I'm wired to enjoy sex for sex's sake, and it isn't always about romance and dreamy-eyed soulmate partnership, but that doesn't mean I could have a fling with a stranger.

I know some people can, but I don't think that's anything to do with sex drive - that's a separate question.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, I don't see how it's NOT about a sex drive. Yes, of course you want it to be with him. But when he isn't available and you simply need sex, it is wrong to be all guilty about it, and it's wrong of HIM to be all possessive. It speaks mostly of insecurity - "Is he still mine if he sleeps with other people?" Yes, he is, is what I say.

I don't need multiple partners or variety when I'm with someone. I only need that one person, and they're totally enough for me. That is, I'm not blind to others and I entertain fantasies of course, but I don't have a NEED for anyone else. However, that only works when we're both in the same place.

I don't think there is "right" and "wrong" here, I just say that people should be more flexible when it comes to sex, because some of us just need it physically more than others. And a relationship that is otherwise worth keeping should not have to suffer because one of the two guys thinks this is cheating.

 

[lovethetoole]

Rolyo85 and hotatlboi, you guys hit the nail right on the head. The case with me (because not everyone's feelings/relationships are the same) is not as complicated as the posters before you 2 make it seem. I love my boyfriend. I really do. What he and I have is special. I just get horny a lot. When one of us is visiting the other, there is no lack of sex drive from either side. He and I are always groping each other and getting handsy, eventually leading to the clothes coming off, which leads to sexual activity that is so special because of our relationship. But when he is 3 hours away (because gas ain't cheap and we both have shit to do) I don't get to see him often. And sometimes I get sick of just jerking my dick to a video of someone sucking a dick when I really just wanna actually suck one myself and not have it mean a damn thing afterwards.

However, if I were to seriously bring it up and he still rejects the idea, I'm fine with that. Because our relationship is soooo worth me getting over my selfish desires. I can handle it if that's what it comes to.

 

[Rolyo85]

Still, if you bring it up, make a serious attempt to explain it right. The separation of sex and feelings, etc. Make sure he listens and isn't just waiting for you to finish so he can get outraged.

 

[bankside]

lovethetool, assume for a minute that your boyfriend might feel like i do about the idea - i would not automatically freak out and go off the deep end, but i am skeptical.

The biggest questions going through my mind (and maybe his) would be:

• if you're so horny maybe I'd like to be on the receiving end of that instead of some random hook-up… So think of it like "edging." The pressure builds, almost driving you nuts, and then we get to go wild together. Maybe I want to keep you waiting.
• if you're so horny, too bad. Man up and show some self-control because that's what I do and as high as my sex drive is, I'm still in charge of my own actions. (and I'm not saying you aren't or can't, I'm saying this is what I would have to work through in my head to be sure about) Self control is sexy, and a man who cannot control his dick is not.
• if we were in the same city, you'd be having sex with me, not some stranger - kinda makes me feel interchangeable with a random guy, and easily replaceable just as long as someone is around to get you off. Even though you say the difference is that you have feelings for me, maybe you mostly just need to get off. (again not saying that's the case, but that would definitely be the question in my mind)

And perhaps the most important question of his that you need a good answer for:

• How is this supposed to turn me on?

In relationships that last, you do things for the other person to help them feel connected to you, to help them feel that a day with you is better than a day without. He doesn't owe it to you to open up the relationship just because you're frustrated, and you seem to know that. But instead of asking for something you want, think about whether this would give him something he wants. Think about whether this would solve one of his problems. Think about whether he'd say "Hey cool - I had no idea it would be this good! I'm so glad my boyfriend figured this out for us," or "I never realized how much it turns me on when you call me and I know you've had a guy over - you figured out a kink I didn't even know I had."

Realistically if the answer is yes, then go for it. If the answer is no, then I wouldn't ask. And the last thing you want to hear is "Okay, I'll put up with this for you."

Don't mess with a good thing. But I agree with rolyo - if you bring it up, explain it right. And figure out what his questions are first.

 

[lovethetoole]

bankside, that is pretty much the conflict I've been having in my own mind when I think about if it's even worth asking him. As for your second bullet, I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I would let him fool around with others too. Self-control IS sexy. I haven't cheated. And I won't. But I never thought about the "how is this supposed to turn me on?" part. That wasn't really the idea. Honestly I might have made this open relationship thing seem important, but it's not. Like I said before our relationship is so much more important to me than me being able to get off with someone else anytime I want. For the first bullet, that does happen. We finally see eachother after a while and just go at it! So I probably won't bring it up. But if I do I will explain it the right way. Thanks for the advice guys - both for and against the idea.

 

[Rolyo85]

Btw, a side thought - the guy I am with now finds the idea of me getting it on with another man sexy. Just saying, it takes all kinds. I've only done that once, and it wasn't that great, so I'm not sure I'm cut out for the open thing either. But we are both very open to the concept. We just don't need it since we're together.

And again - self control is definitely sexy, but frustration isn't. This isn't about "hey, I will find someone to get me off any time I feel horny". This is "I want the opportunity to every once in a while engage in meaningless sex for the sake of sex." You can make any number of rules about it - maybe you will show your bf a pic of the guy, give some background and he would have to approve you hooking up with him or not. Maybe something entirely different. In the end, it's about trust and communication. I would totally respect a guy who isn't ok with it, but I also would find that to signal certain insecurity regarding the relationship.

It is easy for people to put all open relationships under the label of "sluttiness devoid of feelings", but in reality every case is different. Open relationship does not mean having sex with multiple partners all the time, it just means the opportunity to sometimes have sex outside the couple. You might not even need to ever actually do it.

 

[xxxDreSuckerxxx]

I see nothing wrong with it if you are comfortable with one another I say go for it. Everyone has different desires and fantasies that work out for some then not with others. I would date someone in an open relationship but as long as you set ground rules between the two of you I dont see that being a problem really.