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Coolboixy - Archived Blog Posts

coolboixy

On the Prowl
Joined
Dec 24, 2004
Posts
109
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Gainesville
Website
www.mygaydar.com
It all started a week before Christmas 1999. I was looking through the personals on excite and I came across his ad. I had queried numerous personal ads before this one and really didn't hold out much hope that anything would ever come of it. Little did I know that this would be the biggest turning point in my entire life. I was about to fall head over heals in love with a guy that would help to change the course of my life and make me a better person than I ever thought possible. He answered my reply to his ad and we began to talk back and forth. I invited him to go to my favorite club for the annual Christmas party. He was half way to my house and was run off the road by an 18 wheeler getting stuck in a ditch on the side of the road. After getting unstuck and being totally unnerved he retreated back to his home where he called me and told me he wasn't coming. I just chalked it up as another disappointment and figured he chickened out. I tried again, figuring what did I have to lose. I invited him out on Friday nite to the same club I would have taken him to on Wednesday nite. He accepted again. I was skeptical and this time I wasn't very excited thinking he'd not show up again. I was a little late getting home and was just about to jump into the shower when he arrived. My then roomate let him in and told me he had arrived. I hurried to shower and make myself ready. Now I was nervous. A million things going through my head. What would he think of my home. What would he think of my two sons. ( I had previously been married but divorced her, kept the kids, and raised them alone when the oldest was but 5 years old. They were now 11 and 12 and I had been relatively single for almost the entire time.) When I was ready, I made my way to the family room and was immediately wowed by what I saw sitting on my sofa. He was a little rough around the edges but a beauty nontheless. It was obvious he had not been exposed to or been living a gay life. I was right. He was currently married and had a 2 year old son but about to be divorced. Immediately we had something in common. For me I think it was love at first sight. At least, there was an immediate attraction for sure. He was everything I had hoped for in a boyfriend. Thin, brighteyed, about my height, and a set of hips that just didn't quit.
Well, we went out to the club and had a great time. Drinks, dancing, drag show, and all my friends were there. I had butterflies in my stomach everytime I looked at him and all I wanted to do was touch him and keep him in my arms. But being that this was our first meeting, I didn't know how he'd react and I was a gentleman. We went back home to my place. It was very late after 4am. We talked for a bit on the sofa and he excused himself saying he had better be getting home. I walked him to the door and we embraced. It was an embrace I would never forget. It was warm, heartfelt, and sincere. I knew at once that he liked me as I looked into his sparkling eyes and said goodnight. I was literally jumping for joy. He likes me! I can't explain how I felt. I was in love.
I was calling him and talking to him everyday. We went out again the next night and he spent the night with me. The sex we had that night was incredible. When he sat down on top of me and I looked up into his eyes I felt like I was in heaven and the happiest man on the planet. The next couple weeks were amazing for me. I couldn't get enough of him and we spend alot of nights together and the sex kept getting better and better.
It wasn't long before I was asking him to move in with me. Both he and his small son would become part of my family and we all grew to love them very much. His son was like my 3rd son and even called me dad. It was cute. I called his dad by his name, (we shall call him Jake) his son heard this and heard my sons call me dad and his dad Jake. So the little guy just figured his dads name was Jake and my name was dad! My sons would come to look upon his little boy as their smaller brother and Jake became their stepmom they lovingly called Alice in fun. I was the family joke. We became a family. Times were hard and I suddenly found myself out of work and had to take a job making very little money but we managed together. I was happy with Jake and his little boy. Happier than I had ever been in my life. Two years would pass and we were a true family.
Jake became bored and grew to dislike where we lived. We had a very large home on 2.5 acres in the middle of nowhere. In a small town about an hour from the nearest city. A one traffic light town, one supermarket and very little to do. It was obvious that Jakes feelings for me were faltering. I could sense and feel it in my heart. My heart was breaking. I loved Jake with all my heart and being. Well as things happened, I came home from work one day and Jake told me he had put a deposit down on an apartment in Gainesville, FL. I was devastated and felt like my world was crashing down around me. My very being felt over. I did nothing but cry when he was not around, I couldn't eat, sleep or stop shaking. He told me we would remain together but that he wanted to go to college in Gville and that he needed to be there to do it. I knew in my heart what was coming. I would see less and less of him, he would meet new people and it wouldn't be long before he had no need for me in his life as a boyfriend. The day came and he broke up with me. It felt like my life was finally over. I would never stop loving him with every ounce of my being.
Well, time would pass and my breakdown would also pass. We became like best friends instead of lovers. He knew I wouldn't stop loving him and I told him so. He said I would remain "family". We began going to the local gym together and he started college. I spent as much time with him as I could. All the while keeping my love for him inside. Wanting him with all my heart and soul. He eventually got me interested in going to college myself but first I needed a GED as I never graduated from HS. He supported me and helped me and encouraged me all the way. I passed the GED and got my diploma with flying colors. He took me to the college and helped me to register, pick classes and everything I needed to get on my way to going to college and work to wards a brighter future. In my heart I knew that Jake still loved and cared for me. He would never admit it but I held out hope that someday he would. Jake tells me he has no time for a relationship while he's in school and only wants to devote himself to school and his son. He wants to be a math teacher.
I sold my home and took an apartment in G.ville about 10 minutes from Jakes. After about a year I started to feel the loneliness and I sort of met a guy at the local club. We became friends and started hanging out together. We had sex one time but the entire time I could think of no one but Jake. I was attracted to this other guy but I could never love him the way I loved Jake. I introduced him to Jake and immediately Jake treated him badly and I knew it was obvious that Jake still loved me. One night Jake and I went out to the club and had a few drinks. Jake told me that if my friend showed up he would have to kick his ass. Then he told me to promise not to say anything and told me that he still loved me. I knew all along that he did but it would only be in secret.
Well, I just finished my first year of college, Jake has finished two and will attend the community college for one more semester before graduating with his AA degree and transfers to the University of Florida. I will attend the community college for probably another two years and get my AS degree in radiography. I will be making excellent money upon my graduation and already have a job part time at the local hospital doing cat scans. I'm well liked and they are helping me learn as I go through school. They are encouraging me and giving me support. Jake is too for that matter and I still haven't given up hope that when all is said and done, when we are both finished with school, that we will find our way back together as a couple for real. I still love him more than love itself. All he would have to do is give me the look and I'd drop to my knees in a second. I am and always will be his. I know in my heart that there is no one else for me. We both remain single and that also provides me with hope. He has seen a few people which crushes my heart but now he knows how I feel as he has felt the same knowing that I could possibly be with someone else. I never would of course but it was an awakening experience for him I think. I hope anyway. I don't ever want to be without him. I will follow him anywhere and he also knows this. We plan on graduating and both moving away from this city. Hopefully when we do it will be together. I love him and his son as my own. My oldest son has already moved out onto his own and I have only my 17 year old left. Soon he will be gone and I will again be totally alone. I will never give up my love for Jake. I would give my life for him. I will be patient and wait for the day that he puts his arm around me, kisses me, and tells me that he loves me, even if it takes forever. There can never be another love in my life. He is and always will be the love of my life.
 
Good bye 2004 hello 2005! Its been so long since I've had a new years eve so memorable and sweet to my heart. Jake and I went out together for the first time in 3 for new years eve to the local club. It started off with high spirits and a good mood on both our parts. We had drinks talked and found our way to the dance floor. The rest of the evening was quite sensual and warm. We both got drunk and ended up home, naked, and enjoying the heat of passion. Mostly we were just intertwined for the evening Jake was too drunk and unable to perform. This is not how I would want it from him but to be with him sexually of his free will, choosing, and sober is from the heart. I was however, in heaven to just be sleeping with him in my arms again even if for just one night. My love for him still burn as brightly now as it did in the beginning and probably moreso. The deep kisses we shared this night and the heat of his body pressed against mine will ever be a precious memory until the great awakening of his love returns to fill our souls with passion once more. He knows I love him with all my heart and for now, that is enough for me for he is now and always will be the only man I would happily give my life for.
 
I frequent the chat rooms, I participate in the Gainesville, FL room on Gay.com, a realization comes to bear. 90% of the people and conversations are very typical of the egotistical, arrogant, pompous, superficial and plasticity that is the gay community at large. Yet... I fight on but not for the gay people of my community at large, but for the 10% of gays that actually do have feelings, intelligence beyond their own selfservitudes, and a genuine heart, need, and want to love and be loved by fellow members of their own gender. Where is it written that gay men or "bois" as they would so like to refer themselves, that this behavior is acceptable and something to be proud of? To endure the smug snobberish attitudes of those University of Florida guys that make up the better proportion of the gay community here with a blind eye and deaf ear? Is this truly how the Gay community of this nation wishes to portray itself? Yes, I am the political activist fighting for the rights of homosexuals here in this city and nationwide as well yet I have somewhere lost confidence in the Gay community at large. Are there gay men out there under the age of 40 who actually do care? Do they care about things that exist beyond their own self centeredness? I'm really starting to wonder if these peoples rights are really worth the continued fight. But alas... I stand firm in my conviction... that I must fight on for the few... the very few who are actually proud to be gay, proud to be human, proud to have genuine feelings for their fellow man, proud to love, proud to be loved, and most of all, proud to not be a part of the gay community that is undeserving of the work activists that they may continue to live their seemingly meaningless, hurtful, and spiteful little lives, who only use and never give of their true selves without a dramatic spotlite. Am I off the mark here? Has gay men lost sight of humanity and things that mean something and are right? Or is the right wing Christian coalition correct when they preach that there is nothing good in being gay? If I'm wrong... then where are they and what are they doing? I'm a show me person and my soul needs to see this light of humanity. Please show me that my strong beliefs for equality and acceptance are deserving.
 
Shepardmemorialbanner2.jpg
 
LOL Well... I've been feeling very sentimental lately and maybe just a little bit emotional as well. Events so far this year have brought me even closer to the "heart-throb". The love just grows stronger and stronger. I just can't imagine a truer love. Oh sigh... dont' think these butterflies will ever go away. I never felt closer to anyone as I do him. I worry when he doesn't feel well, and would do absolutely anything for him.... he knows it... and I do believe he cares. I cannot think of such a love and not well up with tears. The passion is strong and the desire is neverending.
"he had me at hello" lol ;)
 
All my life I've looked for angels,
All this time I've searched for signs,
Now I've turned a corner,
Your standing before me,
Your not what I thought I might find.

I've never been shaken,
Never been confused,
Always protected all my affections,
in only directions I choose.

All my intentions and all my best plans,
now come to rest in your hands.
If I could fly,
If I could soar,
If I could rise up to heaven,
unlock that door,
I would finally stop,
This world spins around,
I would just to be with you now.

If I could find the key,
into your heart,
and unlock that door,
I might finally stop,
all the spinning around,
If I could just be with you now.

Always believed I was solidly grounded,
All my assumptions come tumbling down,
If I could fly,
If I could find the key,
I could run to your heart,
unlock that door,
I might finally stop all the spinning around,
If I could just be with you now.

:-({|= :kiss: :bj: :luv2:
 
Well its not like we go out together all that often but tonight was different. Beginning of spring break, no kids, just us... out relaxing and wanting to have a good time. Sounds good right? Started off ok too. All I wished for was a nice night of fun with the throb, nothing more. No intimacy, no romance, no expectations of sex or anything like that was in my plans. Just to be together with the guy I love more than anything having fun. A few drinks, maybe a dance or two... I must be dreaming right? Yeah... I think so. I'll never be the one, Never good enough to be even introduced to friends. Always on the sidelines being denied. "Just a fag buddy". I make a stupid move in fun that puts him in the limelight and the bottom falls out of my night and life. Feeling like I shouldn't have been there. Feeling like I'm a hinderance. Feeling like the biggest asshole that walked the planet. He's angry with me now because he thinks I disrespected him and put him onstage in the spotlight and outed him to the whole world. (well, a club that had a less than average crowd anyway but still) Yeah, I had a few drinks but I was having fun. But... he looks at me like I fucked up and my world comes crashing down... can't have fun now. All I want to do is leave and go cry into my pillow. There's all kinds of guys coming up to him, hugging, saying hello, but I'm standing behind him invisible and crushed. If my heart had an off switch, I'd throw it! Last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him but I'm always the one ending up hurt. Means nothing to anyone else. Never does. Just feels like signing off from the world is the best option.... odios (as if anyones actually reading)
 
Anytime you feel
Like you just can?t hold on
Just hold on to my love
And I?ll help you be strong.
But you?re so afraid to lose
And baby I can?t reach your heart
I can?t face this world
It?s keeping us apart
When I could be the one to show you
Everything you missed before
Just hold on now
Cause I could be the one to give you more (Let you know!!)

Anytime you need love baby I?m on your side (Yeah)
Just let me be the one that can make it all right (I can make it all right)
Anytime you need love baby you?re in my heart
I can make it all right

Now there?s no way out
And I can?t help the way I feel
Cause baby all the fire
And I?ll be waiting right here
You know my love is real (baby yeah yeah yeah)

Anytime you time you need love baby I?m on your side (You know)
Just let me be the one that can make it all right (I can make it alright)
Anytime you need love, baby?you?re in my heart!
I can make it all right, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Anytime you need love baby I?m on your side (I?m you?re side)
Just let me be the one that can make it all right (Let me be the one)
Anytime you need love baby you?re in my heart (Let me be the one, Let me be the one) (Alright)

Anytime you need love baby you?re in my heart
I can make it all right, all right
 
Social Atrophy


Always there, always available
Always Silent

Always with self
Trapped in Mind

Always waiting inside
Silent Always


Conversation is seldom
Silent Voices

Vocal chords atrophied
Silent Inside

Voices trapped
Silent in Mind


Phones seldom ring
Lines Silent Inside

No intellectual stimulation
Silent Mind Wasteing

Choose a book
Better Companion

Always second choice
Never a Second Thought

Never a second look
A Blurb in Mention


Always wanting
Never Wanted

Never there
Always Silent

Always dark
Never Two




Existence in Silence
Social Atrophy
 
Who’s Thinking of Me?



I find something I think will interest someone
I call them on the phone to tell them
I see something someone would like
I buy it and give it to them
I hear a story I think might interest them
I want to tell them but
They’re busy right now
They say they’ll call back
I’m put on the shelf and slid to the back

Why do I do this?
Is it an attempt to be apart of someone’s life?
Is it to let them know that I am here?
Is it to tell them that I care?
Is it to say I’m thinking of you?
Is it to avoid the loneliness?
Is it a part of me to share?
Why do I do this?

I was just a fleeting thought
Gone as quick as it came
To you its just a game
To me its all the same
Don’t know why I came
Am I missed when I am gone?
If I died today who would know?
It would all be the same
Not even a fleeting thought

Why should I go on?
Would I leave a mark?
What is the point of this game?
Just a flame in the dark
My existence has been lame
Its all been the same
I am sorry I came
Please blow out the flame

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crying
The flame is slowly dieing
Don’t let it suffer anymore
Put it out and close the door
If I were to go I dare
No one would know
A feather on the floor
There’s no one to care

Its just me in the morning
Its just me in the evening
Remember way back when?
I know now why lonely men
Become bitter old men
To be alone and unloved
Its where I've come to be
So who's thinking of me?
The answer…nobody is
 
I was invited by one of the county commissioners here to serve on one of the counties advisory boards. It has a 3 year term. I accepted and will be formalized at the Aug 14th public county commission meeting. Whoohoo! Taking aim and taking notes! The day will come. :gogirl:
 
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