Could you date someone with a very tainted past?

[Needsopinions]

I need opinions. Not really advice, but curious to see other people's opinions on this.

I know a met through some friends about a year ago. Recently he's been talking to me separate from the group. We had a couple dates and he seems to be very interested. We've never slept together and he's never even tried. I've never been interested in this guy before, but after our dates and chatting, I'm finding myself attracted and wanting to know him more.

The problem is that he's got a very tainted past...which is why i wasn't attracted before. I've heard stories about his extremely promiscuous sex life. I know he's slept with most, if not all, our mutual friends. When we hang out as a group, everyone makes comments and jokes about him being a huge whore. That aspect of his character legitimately grosses me out. However, his personality when we are alone is very different. I guess the issue is that I don't know which person he really is: the slut who has slept with ~400 people, from what I'm told, who is known for being "that easy guy", or the cool, intelligent, funny intriguing guy who tells me he's looking for a monogamous relationship and to settle down.

What are your opinions on this situation?

 

[xbuzzerx]

Is he still (currently) engaging in this kind of behavior? Or is it just his past?

If it's just his past, judge him by who he is and what he does now.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Your friend is telling you to separate from the group, who in turn are telling you that you friend is a huge whore.

Could it be that your choice of friends could bear some improvement?

 

[kallipolis]

The fly on the wall might well say that the decision is yours, and the consequences yours.

If you are looking for a monogamous partner then clearly he is likely to be a constant thorn in your flesh, the result of your fears, and jealousy encouraging you to write mails to gay discussion boards asking for opinions from complete strangers.....we, having heard just one side of the story.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

Honestly? Tell him it bothers you. Maybe he'll offer you some insight as to what his mindset is on sexuality and what has changed now.

 

[-Kane-]

Honestly, most of our dating choices are based on the opinions and expectations of our "friends." If we (gay men) can find little to no social elevation from our sexual partners, then he becomes more of a liability than a social and sexual mate. Now if you're a strong willed individual who has zero fucks to give about what others think but more about how YOU feel, then your social and sexual choices won't be based on peer pressures or social elevation.

The short answer is: Your dating choices says more about YOU than your partner's past. Be a weak minded bitch or a man. The choice is yours.

 

[swerve]

I would certainly hope that you don't hold that against him...

The 400 number imo is probably average -- at least he's honest about it...

Some friends of mine would consider that a very LOW number of partners...

It is all relative -- and not necessarily indicitave of his current state. Possibly, he is looking to settle down with 1 special guy at this point...

I've NEVER held ones sexual appetite (whether great or small) against them -- if you enjoy his company, and want to explore more -- go for it!!!

 

[peeonme]

If everyone in the group has slept with him, then what are they?
When does one become "easy"?

 

[kallipolis]

If everyone in the group has slept with him, then what are they?
When does one become "easy"?

Well noted, for the OP just becomes another conquest, in a flowing stream....of conquests.

Should the OP just want a convenient sexual encounter then just perhaps he's ideal, until the next man arrives.

 

[Kahaih]

I need opinions. Not really advice, but curious to see other people's opinions on this.

I know a met through some friends about a year ago. Recently he's been talking to me separate from the group. We had a couple dates and he seems to be very interested. We've never slept together and he's never even tried. I've never been interested in this guy before, but after our dates and chatting, I'm finding myself attracted and wanting to know him more.

The problem is that he's got a very tainted past...which is why i wasn't attracted before. I've heard stories about his extremely promiscuous sex life. I know he's slept with most, if not all, our mutual friends. When we hang out as a group, everyone makes comments and jokes about him being a huge whore. That aspect of his character legitimately grosses me out. However, his personality when we are alone is very different. I guess the issue is that I don't know which person he really is: the slut who has slept with ~400 people, from what I'm told, who is known for being "that easy guy", or the cool, intelligent, funny intriguing guy who tells me he's looking for a monogamous relationship and to settle down.

What are your opinions on this situation?

I suppose you would like to believe that he was honest with every one of them – all 400 – never said 'you're the special one' to any of them.

Have at it. Be special #401. But, be quick about it before someone else gets that bedpost notch.

 

[gsdx]

The reservations you're having about him, the questions you are asking, are likely to stay if you get into a relationship with him. Every time he is out on his own, you will be wondering.

 

[eastofeden]

Lesbians!

I remember hanging out with my lesbian roommate and going to lesbian parties with her and it was fascinating how every one of them it seemed was the ex of someone else in the room. One night...the lady who played den mother whose name was Lois explained it all to me...what a trip....

What I walked away with.....it seems that lesbians need to at least pretend lust is love and the slut is more about drama than sex.....and an "ex" could be someone they were with a week...YIKES!!!

A drama slut if you will....

...and then some years later I saw my first group of gay men who were the same...YIKES. They happened to be the group of friends my husband had when I met him. I knew right away when I walked into my first house party with his friends that I was in the male version of the lesbian party.....cackle cackle cackle...whisper whisper whisper...gossip gossip gossip...

"We need to go into the other room and have a talk" (BARF)...NEVER say that to me LOL....that's what people on soap operas do.

...me and his friends were like oil and water. I could wipe the floor with any of them because they had no clue who they were. I didn't wipe the floor with them because it was too easy...and I didn't want to give them the drama they wanted...because that was the point....they were addicted to the drama of it all...it was horrifying really.

He was the group's pretty boy....their mascot....and I was the terrible asshole taking him away from them. Fair enough....I WAS taking him away and he WAS and STILL IS a joy to be around and look at....so I could understand their angst....and then they started telling me "stuff" they though "I should know"...

Awwwwwwww....how sweet (BARF)...what a hoot. I did play with them a little when they told me he sucked this one guy off...I told them I hope he swallowed so he didn't get a mess on the carpet....trying not to roll my eyes.

As it turns out...I had fucked probably 750-1000 guys and him..he had had less than 10 and most of those were kinda tame. I didn't have a number at the time but I was happy to tell his friends openly what a slut I was when they were trying to talk shit about him to me....it is funny watching people like that try to pretend they are cool with it.....and I told my husband anyway all on my own the first time we met.....

As it turned out...he liked my experience...and I like someone who doesn't try to make me pretend to be anything I am not....or wish I was someone else....or make me apologize for anything I am not sorry about. I like who I am and I damn sure wasn't sorry about the men I fucked...I had a good time.

If my husband called it "tainted"...I would have lost interest in him..he wouldn't have had to worry about what his next move would be. We have been together for 30+ years now...hardly any drama either....quite a nice ride we have had...

Oh yeah...my advice...I would hold out for your "Prince Charming" and reject anyone who does not meet your purity standards...do you both a favor. There is someone out there for you...probably not him though....

 

[rareboy]

I think you should fuck him and see.

You'll either be a notch on his belt or he'll stick with you.

What do you have to lose?

 

[medic1]

Honestly, most of our dating choices are based on the opinions and expectations of our "friends." If we (gay men) can find little to no social elevation from our sexual partners, then he becomes more of a liability than a social and sexual mate. Now if you're a strong willed individual who has zero fucks to give about what others think but more about how YOU feel, then your social and sexual choices won't be based on peer pressures or social elevation.

The short answer is: Your dating choices says more about YOU than your partner's past. Be a weak minded bitch or a man. The choice is yours.

Well said.

 

[NotHardUp1]

400 isn't even close to average. It's much lower. In fact, most men aren't whores. It's just that the whores don't count those of us out here who actually do represent the majority of men.

But that isn't the issue. It's not the count. It's the attitude. If promiscuity is a dealbreaker for you, you have to look at that full-on.

Whether it's a matter of morality or not, it's a significant dissonance in your view of sex and his.

You should have the conversation with him, but it is likely you two are a mismatch.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

The constant correlation people have with promiscuity and cheating is weird to me. If he hasn't done anything to make you worry about the relationship then I don't see why his past matters.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Past behavior usually does indicate future behavior, but it doesn't have to.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

In fact, most men aren't whores.

All men are whores. Except my father.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Is the OP serious? My opinion is MOST gay men have slept around and those who say they didn't are LYING! The bathhouses make tons of money because gay men love sex. Look at Grindr or Adam4Adam I have read so many profiles of guys who state they are in an open relationship LOL! I think unlike the straight world, I believe gay men understand monogamy is probably a tough thing to do. Not saying it doesn't happen but I find monogamy boring but that is just my opinion. If the OP really likes the guy just talk to him straight up about it. But most gay men have been around the block I now I have. I got to admit, I think for me it would take someone extremely special for me to be monogamous. But then again I'm not looking for a relationship because I don't want a commitment at the moment.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

Past behavior usually does indicate future behavior, but it doesn't have to.

I don't see what past behaviour has to do with anything here, being monogamous and promiscuity are two different things. It isn't synonymous with cheating.

In either case, I'd rather get to know someone or give a person the benefit of the doubt before I make a decision based on past behaviour.