Could you date someone with a very tainted past?

[NotHardUp1]

No, promiscuous and cheating are not synonymous, but it isn't irrelevant either. A man who is in the habit of hooking up with different men may well be in a pattern that he cannot or does not want to break.

It isn't a law, but it isn't irrelevant either.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Is the OP serious? My opinion is MOST gay men have slept around and those who say they didn't are LYING! The bathhouses make tons of money because gay men love sex. Look at Grindr or Adam4Adam I have read so many profiles of guys who state they are in an open relationship LOL! I think unlike the straight world, I believe gay men understand monogamy is probably a tough thing to do. Not saying it doesn't happen but I find monogamy boring but that is just my opinion. If the OP really likes the guy just talk to him straight up about it. But most gay men have been around the block I now I have. I got to admit, I think for me it would take someone extremely special for me to be monogamous. But then again I'm not looking for a relationship because I don't want a commitment at the moment.

That would be conjecture, not science. Among those who are promiscuous, there is a high rate of partners, but you haven't proven in the least that the majority of gay men have dozens or even hundreds of partners.

The same is also unproven for straight men.

In the wake of the sexual revolution, it has become a trope to cite the extreme as the norm, yet it isn't backed up with data. Either put up real, verified data about the "average" gay man's experience or admit your statement is inherently biased toward a philosophy you advocate rather than demographics or statistics.

 

[mikey3000]

Obviously OP you'll be just a fuck. It's up to you if you're ok with that.

 

[rareboy]

I want to return to the OP's premise that someone who has fucked a lot of guys has a tainted past.

I think this says it all about the OP's real feelings about the other guy.

As long as the OP feels that the guy is somehow dirty or used goods and is 'tainted'...there's no hope for this relationship anyway.

The guy may have fucked 400 other guys...but if it was consensual and recreational and both parties enjoyed it, there's nothing tainted about it. The guy apparently loves sex and with lots of different people.

I'd be impressed with the level of practice and skill and be looking forward to seeing what he'd learned over the years.

I suspect thought, that if none of the 400 had managed to capture Lothario's interest in a monogamous relationship....the OP would have to produce a drop dead performance in the sack in order to get his man to become exclusive.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

No, promiscuous and cheating are not synonymous, but it isn't irrelevant either. A man who is in the habit of hooking up with different men may well be in a pattern that he cannot or does not want to break.

It isn't a law, but it isn't irrelevant either.

There is a such thing as self control that people are capable of having. We are basing this person off of the OPs perspective and I know people around here love to do that, but things are a bit more complicated than that.

 

[Zeno Lorea]

I don't think he can go from slutty (if fucking 400 guys is slutty, that is) to monogamous without erring. Can you deal with that? And what if he changes his mind and wants you but in an open relationship? Would you be willing to try that?

 

[Needsopinions]

I guess I should elaborate on myself. I'm 35. I've had sex with under 10 guys. I don't expect anyone to have the self control, values or mentality that I have. Which is why I'm not judging the guy for his choices. I will admit though that promiscuity had always been a turn off to me. My biggest fear is that he would be unable to be monogamous or he'd eventually want an open relationship, in which I have no interest. I guess by "tainted", I meant that I don't know how I feel about being in an intimate relationship with someone who all my friends have fucked.

Anyway, we met for a drink last night and I asked to know more about his past. He told me that he doesn't regret anything he's done, because he's learned from it, he's grown from it, and he did had a lot of fun experiences. He's actually afraid that I'll eventually want to experience those things. So I guess there is fear in both sides.

He also told me that he was an overweight and unattractive person until he was in his 20s. He says that he got reassurance and it boosted his self confidence knowing people found him attractive, especially sexually. I can understand that.

I think he's being very genuine with me, because he's sharing some pretty intimate details about his life that I don't think most of our other friends know. I don't know guys...I'm sort of falling for him.

 

[canteventhinkstr8]

No, I couldn't.

 

[TheLoveableLoner]

No, promiscuous and cheating are not synonymous, but it isn't irrelevant either. A man who is in the habit of hooking up with different men may well be in a pattern that he cannot or does not want to break.

It isn't a law, but it isn't irrelevant either.

Most of the people I've known to cheat on their lovers weren't even that promiscuous while single.

 

[eastofeden]

I guess I should elaborate on myself. I'm 35. I've had sex with under 10 guys. I don't expect anyone to have the self control, values or mentality that I have. Which is why I'm not judging the guy for his choices. I will admit though that promiscuity had always been a turn off to me. My biggest fear is that he would be unable to be monogamous or he'd eventually want an open relationship, in which I have no interest. I guess by "tainted", I meant that I don't know how I feel about being in an intimate relationship with someone who all my friends have fucked.

Anyway, we met for a drink last night and I asked to know more about his past. He told me that he doesn't regret anything he's done, because he's learned from it, he's grown from it, and he did had a lot of fun experiences. He's actually afraid that I'll eventually want to experience those things. So I guess there is fear in both sides.

He also told me that he was an overweight and unattractive person until he was in his 20s. He says that he got reassurance and it boosted his self confidence knowing people found him attractive, especially sexually. I can understand that.

I think he's being very genuine with me, because he's sharing some pretty intimate details about his life that I don't think most of our other friends know. I don't know guys...I'm sort of falling for him.

I think it is fantastic that he doesn't play the Lifetime movie victim of the week card...where he is so sorry he was a slut and regrets all of it. So many of the good sluts fall into that rut....

I was just telling my accountant yesterday when I had to tell her we were now married and the conversation went to another place...she thinks 31 years of being together was sweet and wanted to know our secret.....

Well...I always have this tiny window that pops up where I get to choose if I am going to tell the actual truth...or the watered down version. I didn't used to have any filter and it was always a surprise what came out of my moth...even to me....so that minute is gold....and much to my surprise I told her the bottom line truth....

He had less than 10 people...and a couple years into our relationship I decided I wanted to keep him..and that means letting him go so to speak. I am actually very smart about relationships and sex and I definitely know the difference between love and lust....


...and I knew if it was going to work..he needed to find out what the difference was..so I gave him awhile to come up with his biggest fantasy and fantasy man "type"...and then I made it happen. It worked...it was flawless really. I told my friend to make his eyes roll back and wait til he was begging for more before he was done.....

I then went on to tell him that no one should ever leave this world without knowing the joys of being fucked relentlessly by their biggest fantasy..and to always remember him as the best sex he ever had without any fucking apology or regret to get that stupid fairy tale lie about love out of the picture...because I wanted him to completely understand the difference between love and lust. I didn't just want a long relationship....I wanted a happy one....

...and I got it.

My only regret...I wish I had a video. I was with them initially but then I left the room and the house so he could have the time and space to lose his inhibitions....

 

[Zeno Lorea]

I guess I should elaborate on myself. I'm 35. I've had sex with under 10 guys. I don't expect anyone to have the self control, values or mentality that I have. Which is why I'm not judging the guy for his choices. I will admit though that promiscuity had always been a turn off to me. My biggest fear is that he would be unable to be monogamous or he'd eventually want an open relationship, in which I have no interest. I guess by "tainted", I meant that I don't know how I feel about being in an intimate relationship with someone who all my friends have fucked.

Anyway, we met for a drink last night and I asked to know more about his past. He told me that he doesn't regret anything he's done, because he's learned from it, he's grown from it, and he did had a lot of fun experiences. He's actually afraid that I'll eventually want to experience those things. So I guess there is fear in both sides.

He also told me that he was an overweight and unattractive person until he was in his 20s. He says that he got reassurance and it boosted his self confidence knowing people found him attractive, especially sexually. I can understand that.

I think he's being very genuine with me, because he's sharing some pretty intimate details about his life that I don't think most of our other friends know. I don't know guys...I'm sort of falling for him.

I don't think your relationship would last, but I also believe you should go for it. You like him and you would regret not giving it a try.

 

[rareboy]

Absolutely go for it.

What do you have to lose except an opportunity.

Does he make you laugh? That is the only thing that matters.

 

[Latimer]

I guess the issue is that I don't know which person he really is: the slut who has slept with ~400 people, from what I'm told, or the cool, intelligent, funny intriguing guy who tells me he's looking for a monogamous relationship and to settle down.

What are your opinions on this situation?

Why can't he be both?

I'd be interested to know, however, how old he is, and assume that if he's 30 and expressing a desire to settle down and be monogamous, he less likely to follow through than if he's 45.

I probably fit his profile, other than the monogamy part. My partner and I met at 24. We're now pushing 40, and although we've settled down, our relationship has never been a monogamous one. Had either of us expected or demanded monogamy we'd never have made if past a few months.

That we have fewer sexual adventures outside of the relationship has more to do with lack of time than diminished desire to do so.

 

[MorrisseyX]

That would be conjecture, not science. Among those who are promiscuous, there is a high rate of partners, but you haven't proven in the least that the majority of gay men have dozens or even hundreds of partners.

The same is also unproven for straight men.

In the wake of the sexual revolution, it has become a trope to cite the extreme as the norm, yet it isn't backed up with data. Either put up real, verified data about the "average" gay man's experience or admit your statement is inherently biased toward a philosophy you advocate rather than demographics or statistics.

I never said my comment is science but I think some gay men worry too much about the promiscuous label. Gay men are MORE sexually free because we do not need women nor want women sexually. Women are cockblockers they ruin the sex lives of many straight men. Plenty of straight guys are sexually frustrated due to a bitch girlfriend or wife. There is nothing wrong with a gay man sleeping around if he wants to. In fact, gay men probably understand the difference between love and sex better than heterosexuals. The gay male community in the west is sex positive there are so spaces available for gay men to have sex. I feel sorry for heterosexual men those guys got less options.
Gay men have more sexual opportunities and freedom than straight men because we are not cockblocked by women. Straight men sexual choices are limited. If a man wife or girlfriend is a bitch and withholds sex what are the straight man options? He either goes to a bar, go on tinder, or most likely have to hire a prostitute. Many men don't got time to waste so they go straight to the prostitutes to fulfill their sexual needs. Some straight men say women do not understand that they just need a pump and dump. This is the reason prostitution is the oldest profession the female prostitute understands the man just wants pussy he just wants to get off. But in the straight world women do not understand that. Gay men have less of a problem getting sex unless if the guy is really elderly I guess. But for most gay men getting sex is extremely easy so many options.

 

[Danny]

I actually posted a similar question here a while back with both positive and negative feedback. The difference with my situation is that I was already in a relationship with the guy. Too be fair, he did give me full disclosure of his incredibly active sexual past before dating. He knew that I'd slept with under 10 guys, and he figured his past would either turn me off or be a constant worry for me. I liked him so much that I said I didn't care about his past, and we became a serious couple. I should also note that we'd known each other for a year before dating and we never had sex until after we became a couple.

I'm completely head over heels in love with him and the feelings seem to be mutual. He's without a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me and says the same about me for him. While I'd love to say that his past is just a thing of the past, unfortunately, it's still something that causes an issue at times.

Sometimes, it's caused by my own insecurities. For example, if we only have sex a couple times a week, I start to wonder if he's grown bored with me or if he's lost sexual attraction to me. I'm like...he had sex so often in the past, why isn't he having sex that often with me? Or I'll sometimes be having sex with him and imagine all the guys who have seen him in these positions. Or sometimes I wonder if he misses sex with other guys. I even wonder if he thinks about guys who were better at sex than I am. For months I worried that he was cheating on me, because he was a bottom in 99% of his past sexual encounters, but in the 9 months we've been dating, he only wants to top me. So, I wondered if he was bottoming for someone else.

I think the worst is that every time I move past his past and forget about it, we hang out with a friend of his who brings it up, or jokes about how they can't believe he's monogamous now, or they'll say something jokingly that actually offends me. Then all the worrying comes back again. I'd be lying if I said I haven't lost sleep over this issue. It's even been the cause of a few arguments.

In the end, it's really up to you. With the exception of his past, my boyfriend makes me the happiest man on the planet. He tells me that he's always wanted a monogamous relationship, but never found the right guy. So all I can do is believe him. I take pride in the fact that out of the hundreds of guys he slept with, no one intrigued him enough to have him wanting more than just a sexual relationship (and remember, we hadn't even had sex!). Yes, the past still presents a problem even 9 years in, but I want him. I want him for the rest of my life. If it takes years for me to get over his past, then so be it. In the end, he's mine.