Chapter Thirty-Six - Paul, or maybe Yakov
I think this Paul/Yakov thing is giving me a split personality. I never should have agreed to Sadie's scheme. I should have stayed home in Brooklyn and not gotten myself involved with this Virginia scene. Schemes and scenes – I just can't keep them straight … or gay either.
Last week, for example, Vicki, after her hair-pulling scene with Will, practically dragged me by the nuts out behind the chicken coop and fucked me. Seeing chickens at close range is disorienting enough, and then to have this dominatrix without whip riding me like a warm-blooded broomstick! She ends the session with, “It's nice to have a real man, for a change.”
And that's what I thought about Vince, except he's acting all weird and not fucking me – I'm lucky to get a blow job now and then - over something that I'm probably responsible for but I don't know what. What? Nobody tells me anything; I'm supposed to figure it all out myself. From clues or something. “It's subtle,” Sadie says. And in the midst of all this tumult and carnage, the main object of discussion is whether hickory can be turned satisfactorily with the tools we have on hand. The big debate is should we look for new tools or old used ones! Finials are more important than feelings!
And I feel like shit. Vince won't fuck me at all; he says fucking is too emotionally involving for our casual relationship and Vicki wants to fuck me again, except she was a lousy lay the first time and I don't see any prospects for improvement in that department. Plus I can't believe I'm turning down a girl. She's not bad looking at all and physiologically I respond to her; I mean, a bad lay is still pretty good, right? But, and this part sounds so … creepy, she makes me feel used and used badly, like I'm her vengeance on Will, who has totally moved on. Why is my life turning into a Dr. Phil show?
I used to be semi-unsuccessful at everything but happy about it. Life was predictable even if missing very much human contact. Now I've got contacts and complications everywhere I look and I should be reveling in the most sex than I've ever had, but people are giving me trouble over everything. I want to like the gay sex I'm having with Vince, but now I'm not having so much and I miss it and I'm still a little repulsed by it, some of it, anyway – like the kissing part. Then I still want to enjoy the sex I had and could be having with Vicki, but she's a bitch and I was glad just to come and get it over with.
So it's probably good that I'm making this run up to New York alone. Vince said he had to work at the drug store, which was bull shit, but I didn't know what to say about it. So a couple of nights alone will be good. Just like old times. An hour away from Warrenton and already the world seemed a brighter place. The Washington Beltway drivers' fuck-you approach to road manners was a nice preview of what lay ahead in New York. I fit right in driving an old, battered step van; the Benz drivers looked terrified at the sight of me in their rear view mirrors coming at them doing seventy. Just because I could, I passed cars in the Baltimore tunnel.
Then I got to the White Marsh exit and the memory flooded back. We had stopped under a bridge to avoid the rain and Vince gave me a blow job. All that pretty blond hair bobbing up and down. I relived that experience all the way to the Glassboro exit in Jersey. There, however, deep breaths didn't help. I stopped the van where we had stopped and let the feelings of my first fuck wash over me again. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I tried to avoid the penetration – kind of. But when it was over, I felt like … I don't know what – in a very good way. I got out of the van and walked around it pretending to look for a flat tire or something in case the cops came by. I called his name out loud and hated myself for doing it. I could feel his dick in my ass. Like it belonged there. No! I tried to conjure up a vision of Vicki, but all I managed was the sight of a sinewy naked witch riding me. I wanted a cigarette. Quitting had been so hard; I never wanted to go through that again, but I needed something.
I pulled into the next rest stop for gas and was tempted to buy a pack of Marlboros, but Ouch! They cost nine dollars a pack. I passed on that and went to take a piss. I stepped up to a long row of urinals and began my business. A random glance at the guy about six feet away made me stare. He was uncut, just like Vince. His size and shape were remarkably the same. I stared too long and got a fierce glare in return. I exited hastily, dribbling piss in my pants. Nothing like walking around with piss tracks all down your front. One of life's embarrassments. I can still hear my mother telling her little kid, “Don't be in such a rush! Make sure you're all done before you close up.”
So I made it across the Verrazano and into Brooklyn. Traffic for the Belt was lined up halfway across the Bridge so I took the 278, which had it's own problems. I got off at Fort Hamilton and took 86th to Gravesend. It was slow but sure.
My apartment looked oddly foreign and neglected to me, not to mention crappy. The unmade bed reminded me of the last time I was in it with Vince. I took off only my shoes and flopped down. It had been two weeks since that last time. How could the pillow still smell of him? He used some kind of conditioner that kept the tangles out of his hair. That must be it. Suddenly I felt lonely in my own home.
After a nap and a bite at the closest deli, I checked the van and went back home. It was mid-summer hot and stuffy in the building even though it was still early June. I went up on the roof for a breather. Memories. I stood at the parapet and remembered an earlier night when it was still quite cool. Vince snuggled against me for warmth and before I knew it his hands, comfortably wrapped around my waist, were unfastening my pants. We were alone; it was almost dark; I didn't object when he bent me over the wall and fucked me. He jacked my cock and we came together. I could still see drips on the bricks that were probably from me. I thought the rain would have washed the evidence away by now.
In the middle of this little reverie, I leaned over the edge and glanced around the court of the building. I looked at a woman sitting at a table, sipping coffee or something and reading a book. Our eyes locked and I saw a flare of recognition in her eyes. She began mouthing something to another person and gesticulating wildly at me. Perhaps Vince and I had not been unobserved after all. I backed away from the wall, returned to my apartment and had a beer, then another. I went to bed still restless and masturbated. What had been the commonest event in my love life had become such a pain in the ass, it was work to do and the pleasure was barely pleasurable. It let me sleep, though.
The next day I went into the City and delivered the dildos and chairs. Lenny said the chairs were better sellers than he had expected. I noticed he was pricing them higher, but still nowhere near what Sadie had planned. I considered going back to Brooklyn and heading south the next day, but what was there in my apartment but another beer and another jerk off? I headed through the Holland Tunnel and a half-hour later was southbound on the Jersey Turnpike.
It was late, almost ten when I got back to Warrenton. Vince was there. I'm not sure what I expected when I asked him, “Can we go to bed together?”
“What do you have in mind?” he answered.
“Mutual pleasure?” I proposed.
“So you can look at my hair and pretend I'm Brittany Spears?” he asked. How I regretted telling him about that fantasy.
“No. So I can look at you … and me.”
“Ok,” he said without much enthusiasm. “I'll be right there.”
He went into the bathroom, which was really encouraging, because he always did that before we fucked, getting himself cleaned up and stuff, I guess. I don't really know what his preps were, but he usually went into the bathroom first. I stripped and hopped in bed, leaving the light on his side of the bed on. It always put such a nice shine on his hair.
“Tah-dah!” he announced.
“Vince! My God! What happened?”
“I want you to know exactly who's sucking your cock ... Me ... Vince Martin.”
“You cut off all your hair?”
“If we have sex, I don't want any doubt about who's doing it. Ok?” He pulled the sheet aside and spread my legs. “I'm suckin' your dick, right?”
“Yeah … Of course ...” He began and I felt his head, stubbly and bristly, almost like a scruffy face. I closed my eyes and he was as good as ever. When it was over he lay beside me. I thought about what I could do for him. I started with what was suddenly obvious.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“A kiss. What you said. A thank you for the blow job.”
“Yeah?” I saw the hint of a smile.
“Yeah.” I kissed him again. It wasn't bad at all and then I moved on to suckin' him. He got nicely aroused and was moaning now and then when I went deep, but I knew I wasn't an ace at cocksucking. I paused and rubbed my hand on his head feeling the irregular patches of bristle. “Want to fuck me?”
“You don't want Brittany or maybe Vicki with a strap-on?”
Again, regrets. I never should have told him about Vicki, but it seemed like everybody knew everything about everybody else in this county. He would have found out or figured it out anyway.
“I want you, Vincennes Indiana Martin.” For the next thirty minutes I kissed him a lot and it seemed to go perfectly with the rest of what we were doing. It really was a great welcome home for both of us. Consequently I was very disappointed at my behavior the next day.
You were wondering about my split personality? So here goes. The very next day, after that awesome night with Vince, I fucked Vicki at work. I could make excuses about it. She lured me. She seduced me. And kind of, she did. Touching my cock happened so accidentally, while we were measuring a hickory branch. She apologized, but never took her hand away. She kept apologizing, and squeezing, and looking at me … and her look wasn't sinewy-witch at all. And I responded. A little reluctantly at first, but a fuck is a fuck, right? I felt like shit the instant I saw Vince.
I thought he'd be pissed, but he laughed. “She isn't my competition,” he said. “My competition is all in here, Pavel.” He used my original Russian name, which sounded very sexy the way he said it, and he tapped my forehead.
I had no idea what he was talking about and sex always makes me a little confused anyway. I was very confused that night.