Coworker Crush snuck up on me

[thephoenix]

So, I decided a while ago to focus on being interested in guys who were available to me and that has been going fine. And yet....

There's this guy I work with who I met about a year ago when we both were new hires.

I didn't really care for him all that much at first; something about him just rubbed me the wrong way, but he would always help me if I needed it so I figured he wasn't all bad and I was probably being unnecessarily defensive. We always just seemed to be going to lunch at the same time or something so it became a pretty daily thing that we'd have lunch together. It turned out he lived like 5 mins away from me (we both commuted about an hour to work). He suggested we start car pooling and I figured why not?

We got to know each other better and he turned out to be pretty funny and smart. We both liked comic books as kids and I love baseball; he played baseball in college, etc. One day we were walking to his car after work and he was telling me about a patient who was a a difficult stick for IV (we're both nurses). He stopped and grabbed my hand and started to slowly trace the veins on the back of my hand to demonstrate. After a point he was basically just holding my hand and talking. Neither one of us let go until someone came by and said hello and then it wasn't like we broke apart quickly. We let go at the same time; no big thing.

A couple of days later, he had another tough stick and was telling me about it in the cafeteria and he reached across the table and grabbed my hand again. I can't lie; I felt something at that point and haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

He's always been pretty affectionate. When we pass each other in the hall he'll clap his hand on my shoulder or he might come up behind me and grab both shoulders and squeeze as he looks to see what I'm doing. He touches my arm when we talk or he'll put his arm around my shoulders for a bit occasionally when we're walking together.

He's 10 years older than me (he's not even in his 40s yet) 6'4 to my 5'9, great shape since he's an athlete, thick dark hair that is graying a little bit, and the most amazing and bluest eyes I've ever seen in person. And he's married.....and has two boys.

It's the most annoying thing - I know full well that he is not an option for me, yet I can't help thinking he's so hot when he brushes his hair out of his eyes or how cute he is when he talks about his five year old's preference for watching the clouds instead of paying attention during his t-ball game. Or loving when he tells me things like "You have an incredible memory" or "I've never met anyone like you." Or getting this amazing feeling from making him smile.

He's a great friend. We talk about everything and advise each other. He does everything in his power to make me smile or laugh if he thinks I'm having a bad day and vice versa.

I find myself fantasizing about him sometimes and I think about what might have happened if we had met in another time or place, which I know is a waste of time. I think it's just a crush, but sometimes it feels like more. I feel like if I remind myself that he is not an option for me I won't fall into that space where I'm miserably in love.

Crushes are okay right? I mean as long as I'm not living in this fantasy 24/7 and hurt by it? Sometimes I feel a little bummed out, but I'm not like jealous of his wife or anything. I think it might be more that it'd be nice to end up with someone like him someday- except for the being married and straight part. I'm not playing with fire or anything, right?

 

[swerve]

Personally -- I think that he is wanting to get a little action on the side...

I've known MANY straight guys that flirt a little and are 'touchy-feely' -- but I've NEVER known one that would hold my hand...

 

[Seasoned]

I almost shouted out BINGO when I got to the end of your post. What you advise for yourself is what I tell almost everyone who develops an impossible crush, namely, think of it as someone telling you what attributes to for for in an abtainable guy.

 

[On The Edge]

There's nothing wrong wud a crush or being attracted to someone you shouldn't it happens....but what action you take matters.....to be honest sometimes the straightest guys I know...can be affectionate like that.....it's more being friendly and comfortable around you.....it could mean the other way too....but do u really wanna cross that line?

 

[aijalon18]

Just curious, does your friend know that you're gay or bisexual?

 

[thephoenix]

He does and it is one of those non issue things. I guess I'm thrown for a loop because I don't really have "close" friendships with straight guys. I mean I have straight guy friends, but it's not the same. With them there's an unspoken, yet understood physical boundary that they don't cross and there are subjects that don't get discussed. And this is across the board with the guys who know about me and who don't, so I don't take it as something having to do with me; I've just assumed that's how guys are in general.

With this friend, he doesn't think twice about casual physical contact or leaning in close when we talk or talking about family, growing up, marriage, love, etc. It could be because he's older and has a more secure grasp on his identity.

He took me to a football game a couple of days ago and it was kind of crowded so we ended up sitting pretty close. Our knees/legs kept touching and rubbing together. He'd put his hand on my knee from time to time to emphasize a point or when he wanted to direct my attention somewhere and I couldn't help but feel light headed. The team he was rooting for won and he told me that he knew I would be a good luck charm. Guys I date have never said anything like that to me. To be fair, I may be doing the whole dating thing wrong, but still.

It's all very perplexing to me!

 

[Rolyo85]

It's called "putting the moves" on you, and there is nothing perplexing about it. The guy sounds very obviously interested, and his behavior isn't in any way "straight" as far as interaction with you is concerned.

Now you have to decide whether you wanna do something or not. Personally, I like curious straight guys, but it's not relationship material, so you have to think about whether slutting about with this guy would be a good thing for you, or bad.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I think it's good you're using him to define what you want out of a future, potential relationship, but I certainly wouldn't hold onto the hopes that it's going to be with this guy.

It sounds like he has some awesome qualities that would be great to have in a potential BF, but I don't see HIM being the one it's actually with. You should find someone like him, that is available.

 

[aijalon18]

I have a "straight" guy friend who sounds exactly like your friend. I relate to this so much. The only difference is my guy isnt married. When I came out to him he didnt freak at all. He said he felt closer to me. And he ever since we are closer.

We talk about anything and everything. He tells me things about his sex life with girls that he doesnt tell anyone. And he encourages me to discuss anything about my sex life with him. I never had that happen before. My other straight guy friends have no problem with me being gay for the most part, but they dont seem interested in hearing about it.

We do so many things just the 2 of us. We always go to movies, eat at restaurants, and just hang out, alone. And whenever we go out he always says how he's sure everyone around us prolly thinks we're a couple. And I always say they prolly think we're friends. So it is very confusing.

And the last thing is. He kinda acts a little jealous when people flirt with me (even girls). And if I say a guy walking by or a celebrity is hot, he always has to insult them and call them ugly and ask why I would like someone like that. That's what makes me think there is really something up. How does your guy act when it comes to you in those scenarios?

 

[NCDogGuy]

Walk Away -

YOU WORK TOGETHER

Walk Away -

HE'S MARRIED with 2 kids

Walk Away.................................. There are alot of unattached gay guys who have the same qualities/traits!!! Don't do this to yourself!!!

This. As I posted in a similar thread, do you really want to contribute to a marriage falling apart and damaging the lives of two kids? It doesn't matter if he is bi-, or a closeted gay who got married, or is in big time denial.

He is married and thus unavailable. Find a single guy with the qualities in him that you like.

Don't do this to him, to his wife, to his kids, and most importantly, to yourself.

We don't control our emotional responses. We do control our actions. Make ethical choices you can respect yourself for and can live with.

 

[jmadaf]

So, I decided a while ago to focus on being interested in guys who were available to me and that has been going fine. And yet....

There's this guy I work with who I met about a year ago when we both were new hires.

I didn't really care for him all that much at first; something about him just rubbed me the wrong way, but he would always help me if I needed it so I figured he wasn't all bad and I was probably being unnecessarily defensive. We always just seemed to be going to lunch at the same time or something so it became a pretty daily thing that we'd have lunch together. It turned out he lived like 5 mins away from me (we both commuted about an hour to work). He suggested we start car pooling and I figured why not?

We got to know each other better and he turned out to be pretty funny and smart. We both liked comic books as kids and I love baseball; he played baseball in college, etc. One day we were walking to his car after work and he was telling me about a patient who was a a difficult stick for IV (we're both nurses). He stopped and grabbed my hand and started to slowly trace the veins on the back of my hand to demonstrate. After a point he was basically just holding my hand and talking. Neither one of us let go until someone came by and said hello and then it wasn't like we broke apart quickly. We let go at the same time; no big thing.

A couple of days later, he had another tough stick and was telling me about it in the cafeteria and he reached across the table and grabbed my hand again. I can't lie; I felt something at that point and haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

He's always been pretty affectionate. When we pass each other in the hall he'll clap his hand on my shoulder or he might come up behind me and grab both shoulders and squeeze as he looks to see what I'm doing. He touches my arm when we talk or he'll put his arm around my shoulders for a bit occasionally when we're walking together.

He's 10 years older than me (he's not even in his 40s yet) 6'4 to my 5'9, great shape since he's an athlete, thick dark hair that is graying a little bit, and the most amazing and bluest eyes I've ever seen in person. And he's married.....and has two boys.

It's the most annoying thing - I know full well that he is not an option for me, yet I can't help thinking he's so hot when he brushes his hair out of his eyes or how cute he is when he talks about his five year old's preference for watching the clouds instead of paying attention during his t-ball game. Or loving when he tells me things like "You have an incredible memory" or "I've never met anyone like you." Or getting this amazing feeling from making him smile.

He's a great friend. We talk about everything and advise each other. He does everything in his power to make me smile or laugh if he thinks I'm having a bad day and vice versa.

I find myself fantasizing about him sometimes and I think about what might have happened if we had met in another time or place, which I know is a waste of time. I think it's just a crush, but sometimes it feels like more. I feel like if I remind myself that he is not an option for me I won't fall into that space where I'm miserably in love.

Crushes are okay right? I mean as long as I'm not living in this fantasy 24/7 and hurt by it? Sometimes I feel a little bummed out, but I'm not like jealous of his wife or anything. I think it might be more that it'd be nice to end up with someone like him someday- except for the being married and straight part. I'm not playing with fire or anything, right?

I don't know, you make him sound so dreamy, married or not he could fuck me, he might be in the closet, and know your gay, and is hitting on you. Thats the style I use.

 

[glasvegas]

Unless he told you that he likes you and ready to divorce, otherwise, just think of him as a good friend of yours, slowly, the feelings will be vanished.

 

[thephoenix]

I feel like I've got to point out I'm not pursuing anything romantic or "baiting" him in any way. Just experiencing a case of the warm, fuzzies around him. I'm very aware of the fact that he is married.

I'd be lying if I said that the idea of being with him in that way wasn't appealing, but it's one of those things that isn't even on the table. And I'm okay with that.

It's perplexing to me because, like I've said, this sort of thing doesn't happen with my other straight friends.

He doesn't really strike me as jealous or at least he doesn't act like it. Our friendship is pretty smooth sailing for the most part

 

[aijalon18]

I feel like I've got to point out I'm not pursuing anything romantic or "baiting" him in any way. Just experiencing a case of the warm, fuzzies around him. I'm very aware of the fact that he is married.

I'd be lying if I said that the idea of being with him in that way wasn't appealing, but it's one of those things that isn't even on the table. And I'm okay with that.

It's perplexing to me because, like I've said, this sort of thing doesn't happen with my other straight friends.

He doesn't really strike me as jealous or at least he doesn't act like it. Our friendship is pretty smooth sailing for the most part

You do seem mature and rational about the whole thing. The thing is so many people come here with stories where they fall for their straight friends and are completely ridiculous. They often are not even out to the guy, yet are planning their gay wedding.

I think you are very aware and taking the pleasure you can from this close friendship while your not in a relationship right now. Obviously you like this relationship and so does he, and you're not trying to steal him from his family. So there's nothing wrong with that.

As far as the jealousy thing, have you ever talked about other guys you found attractive in front of him? Or have you discussed wanting a relationship or having your eye on someone? I think his reaction will help you be less confused.

 

[thephoenix]

Well, I've both been there and done that in the falling for my straight friend arena. Even got a nifty t-shirt complete with a broken heart for my troubles. I learned from that experience that I was worth more than I believed.

With this guy, while I've got the lusty feelings for him, they don't preoccupy my day or thoughts. Sometimes I fantasize that he'll just lean in and kiss me when he's talking to me or he wraps his arms around me as he comes up from behind me kisses my neck. But I feel like if he did that in reality it would be hard to see him in the same light because just by doing that he stops being the man I think is so amazing. That man wouldn't do that to his family, what's more, that man wouldn't ask me to do that to his family with him.

It's probably silly of me to even be confused by his behavior because at the end of the day the puzzle is already solved: he's married.

 

[thephoenix]

Soooo....since I first posted this, the friendship between this guy and me has been deepening and been really a lot of fun. We laugh and joke around a lot and talk about everything under the sun. And I was/am getting past my crush except for what I guess you'd say were close calls.

I'm not confused by him anymore!

A couple of months ago was "our" birthday as he put it. His is the day after mine and he got a kick out of that. Anyway, we went out on my birthday and had a few beers and dinner. I had driven us and so we headed back to his house. I parked outside his house and he started talking about how much he dreaded going in because the kids had been a little troublesome lately and he and his wife were disagreeing on some things related to discipline and money, etc. and sometimes he wanted to keep driving and that he wouldn't be surprised if I thought he was a terrible person for feeling like that.

I just tried to be empathetic and told him it was an understandable feeling stemming from stress and thinking about it didn't mean anything because at the end of the day he went home and did what he could to resolve stuff. We sat not saying anything for a little bit and just looking at each other. He put his hand on my knee and leaned toward me a little bit and I just knew he was gonna kiss me, but he stopped and asked me if I ever thought about how my life would have been if certain things hadn't happened.

I answered him honestly - no; there was absolutely no point in dwelling on what could have been. He asked "You don't ever feel like you took a turn in life and missed something or someone?"

I was suddenly acutely aware his hand was still on my knee and he moved it when he noticed me looking and he said he probably should go. And I agreed with him. He got out of my car and I couldn't help but watch him go and he turned around to look at me and he looked so sad; it kind of broke my heart for him.

Anyway - the next day; his birthday was spent with his family; I stopped by and we didn't really have any time by ourselves so things weren't incredibly tense between us and I ended up not staying too long; I had to work and they were heading out with his in laws. The rest of the night he texted me occasionally to see what I was doing and talk about how his father in law was a dick.

A couple weeks go by and the funk he had been in lifted and he wasn't so sad looking and seemed more like himself. We were hanging out at his house while his wife had taken the boys to a movie and I just had to bring the car thing up because I felt like it was something that was just hanging out in the air between us and it bothered me.

I told him he had said some stuff that sounded very pointed toward me and he goes, very matter of fact "That's cause I was talking about you." and I was like "You were?" actually surprised for some dumb reason. And he goes "Yeah; come on -there's something between us. You feel it too - I know you do. I haven't felt this way about anyone before" and he basically said it was something he felt and he was just going to acknowledge it and that he was really confused because it was the type of thing he would talk to me about if he felt like that with anyone else, which lightened the mood a little because I pointed out he was talking to me.

I told him that I did feel something, but I was working really hard not to because it wasn't right given the situation and that I had been through the whole wanting someone I couldn't have thing before and I wasn't going to do that to myself again. After I said that he got this goofy smile on his face and said "You want me? that's kind of hot" He looked so cute I couldn't help but smile at him

We got serious though and he said that he went back and forth of feeling like it was a crush like I originally did, to sometimes feeling sadness and disappointment that we didn't meet sooner because then we'd at least have a shot of seeing what it was between us. He said he saw it as one of those could have been scenarios; like we were meant to be in each other's lives, but it just worked out where we missed our moment and that in another time it might have really been something good.

I don't know that I agree with his thought process there. I mean I feel the same, but I didn't like that he talked like he was trapped in marriage and was just resigned to serving out a sentence. He told me he loved his wife and that he loved me in a way that was different.

I was like whatever - you don't get it both ways in this situation and he said he knew that. We just agreed that we were good friends and there was something we felt between us, we were acknowledging it and letting go and moving on from it.

And so far so good. It was only slightly weird between us for a little bit, but we've found an equilibrium again.

 

[altlover85]

First off, thephoenix, I have to congratulate you. You have more willpower than I would have had in that situation and I think you handled it admirably.

I just have a few quick comments.

I don't know that I agree with his thought process there. I mean I feel the same, but I didn't like that he talked like he was trapped in marriage and was just resigned to serving out a sentence. He told me he loved his wife and that he loved me in a way that was different.

My boyfriend used to be married (way before we met) and from what he's told me about that time and the guy that he met that made him question his sexuality, it really did seem like he loved his then wife in one way and loved men in a different way.

Maybe your friend does feel trapped, but I think you are doing the right thing just keeping this on a friendship level because he does have the power to end the marriage if he feels like it's trapping him and to add anything physical to the friendship would allow him to "get it both ways in this situation" as you put it.

And so far so good. It was only slightly weird between us for a little bit, but we've found an equilibrium again.

I'm glad you guys have found equilibrium. I can imagine it wasn't easy.

 

[KaraBulut]

He told me he loved his wife and that he loved me in a way that was different.

I was like whatever - you don't get it both ways in this situation and he said he knew that. We just agreed that we were good friends and there was something we felt between us, we were acknowledging it and letting go and moving on from it.

That's probably the best outcome in a situation like this.

And it's good that the truth is out there so that everyone knows what is going on so that you can make decisions before you end up in a situation where things get out of hand.

It's unfortunate. If you both were single and in your twenties, perhaps this could have had a different ending. But for a man who is close to forty with a family to think about, the options are limited.

And since you're still young and single, it frees you up to find someone who is without the complicated attachments that your friend has.

 

[MindBlast]

That doesn't mean you should stop being friends with him though. It sounds like an amazing friendship if you can keep yourselves in check.

 

[thephoenix]

New update - my friend "James" and I haven't been on personal speaking terms recently . We still work together and speak to each other regarding patients and other professional matters, but the bulk of our personal relationship has been put on hold.

As I mentioned, James and his wife had been having marital problems; these problems escalated to her leaving back in April.

Well by late May James and I were what you could call dating- dinner, movies, football games, board game night with his boys etc. He checked out my car for me, changing the oil, taking it for tune ups, etc.

The first time we slept together/had sex I was struck first by hiscbeauty and second by the fact he maintained eye contact and would whisper in my ear he loved me. Sex with him was amazing.

The problem came when his wife wanted to reconcile "for the kids." He and I talked at length about it and even, I'm embarrassed to admit had some arguments over it. It was ultimately settled that he and his wife would give it another go (marriage counseling, the works) for the kids. James told me that he loved me more than I'd ever know, but because he couldn't trust himself with me it would be best if we stopped hanging out and talking personally for now. As much as it broke my heart, I couldn't be the reason two kids I've grown to love didn't have both parents together if it was possible.