Coworker Crush snuck up on me

[thephoenix]

Thank you Kien. I appreciate your kind words.

 

[AstareGod]

Just came across this thread and read it beginning to end. I can imagine how both incredibly exciting and sad all of these events must have made you feel. You ran the whole gamut of emotion. I can't say I've gone through anything similar, but I think I would be driven insane if I had gone through everything you have gone through so far.

The only real piece of advice I can give you is make sure you are taking care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Make sure you're spending time with other friends and not sitting home alone. Make sure you're mentally OK with how your situation is going. You really have no control over your situation with James now - it's up to him to decide whether he wants to be invested in his marriage and whether he thinks remaining friends with you is something he's capable of. The only thing you can do is be there for him, but you also can't stop living your life and close yourself off to possibilities with other guys.

Your experience with James may have taught him a lot about himself, and it probably taught you a lot about yourself, too. It's been almost a year to the day that you started this thread; a year is a long time, and a lot can change within the course of a year. He may end up living happily with his wife and kids, and will hopefully include you in his life once again - or he may end up giving up on his marriage and pursuing you or someone else. There are many directions this can go, but I wouldn't put my own life on hold waiting on someone else to change his mind. Hopefully you can be the great friends you were with each other, in one way or another, no matter what course of action he chooses.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you keep us updated with your situation.

 

[On The Edge]

Good on you man!...most won't react this way...I hope you find someone special who will love you...all in time

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

Wow, is all I can think of saying after reading this entire thread. You went the full 12 yards, and kept a clear headed mind through out the entire process. You should think about writing this into a screen play, sounds something straight out the movies. hope everything works out for you man. You sound like a really amazing guy, and your friends james was extremely lucky to have so good friend and lover. Sorry it has ended it like this, but it sounds like it was a life-wild experience.

 

[Nishin]

^ Don't think it is over yet...

This guy, James... not gonna make it with the wife, mark my words

Enjoyed the story, a bit sad though, you're a lucky one somehow

 

[ebluue]

^^ I totally agree with you on that!

Getting back together for the sake of the kids, without a genuine love and commitment to each other, rarely works.

 

[Bob6896]

Wow thephoenix my heart is dancing and aching for you at the same time. You seem like an incredible person and you've handled this situation incredibly. You definitely don't deserve what's happened to you but at least James is being honest and you were able to make quite the connection with him. Like others have said before, I hope everything works out for the best and I'm absolutely sure there's someone out there for you because you seem like a beautiful person.

 

[thephoenix]

^^ I totally agree with you on that!

Getting back together for the sake of the kids, without a genuine love and commitment to each other, rarely works.

Selfishly, it makes me feel some measure of..I guess optimism from that and I feel guilty. I love his kids as if they were my own and the fact that they are happy to be with their mother makes me indescribably happy. For that I have genuine hope that James can salvage his marriage. I came from an incomplete home, and I understand all too well what it feels like to hope your family can be complete again.

What concerns and bothers me is that he viewed making a second go of it as something that had to be done out of duty. I know him well, and I felt what I took to be his ambivalence, maybe even disappointment that an opportunity to save his marriage surfaced - if that makes sense. I want James to be happy even if it's not with me and I could see in his eyes that that his wife doesn't make him happy and hadn't for a while. Hopefully that changes, but it breaks what's left of my heart to think of him settling on something or someone merely out of obligation, and not getting to be as truly happy as he could be. Not to imply that what would make him truly happy completely is being with me - just that he deserves to find and be with that person.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't heart broken over him. I still dream about him, and when I wake up I can still smell him, feel his skin, taste his kiss and I cry. I hate to dream about him because it just amplifies that he's not with me and I can't go to him. I thought having our paths cross at work and having to occasionally work together would be more painful than it is, but I've found that having to concentrate on the job at hand and the patients makes it easier to retrain my brain on how I need to see him. There are still relapses though. We passed each other in the hall the other day, I was wheeling a patient back to her room and he was walking with a doctor I didn't recognize and as we passed one another he winked at me and gave me what I call his mischievous smile and I nearly melted on the spot. He found me in the lounge later and asked me how I was. He said he missed me and his favorite part of every day was getting to see me even just in passing cause "I love looking at ya" and he flashed me his beautiful smile and said he'd see me later.

I talked to him this morning on the phone; his oldest son Brian called me to ask if I would come to his football game Friday. Apparently James didn't know he called me because about an hour after I talked to Brian, James called to apologize for him bothering me and to say I didn't have to come to the game if I felt uncomfortable. I lied and said that it wouldn't be uncomfortable for me. We got to talking about how everything was going and he said he and his wife were in counseling and going to a couples group at church where she has them getting more involved. She also wants him to get one on one counseling for his "emotional distance" and his "fear of success" so he can be a loving man and fuel some ambition

I'm trying not to hate this woman, but she's making it hard. I'm also getting irritated with James for not calling her out on that stuff - maybe he's distant with her for obvious reasons and he needs to share those reasons with her, but I've never met a more loving man. And his ambition and drive is so strong; it's just not obnoxious.

 

[The White Stripe]

That is adorable even if it had not escalated to being romantic or sexual. I'm sorry you had to go through heart ache over a bad timing and having to deal with someone who had a lot of baggage. He does seem like a great guy.

 

[The White Stripe]

I've always been someone who voices what might be an unpopular opinion, but maybe your best option is too move on. It seems like you've been going in circles with this guy for a year now, and not to be rude to someone who sounds like a great catch, but you have your own life and happiness to worry about.

You can't make that happiness dependent on him. As wonderful as he might be, you can only be better. It takes a wonderful person to realize another wonderful person. Why punish yourself with someone who made a decision to leave you? I know that sounds harsh, but he did. Find someone who isn't tied down and can commit every ouch of themselves to you. I know that is never a fun thing to hear. No one wants to start over or go look for another person to love, but it might be the wiser option.

I think you were both just victims of horrid timing, but you can't change what has already happened and you know that.

That was my two cents, do with it what you will. At any rate, thank you for sharing this with all us. I enjoyed hearing about your happiness, and I was sad to hear of your heart ache. I hope tomorrow is better for you..

 

[ebluue]

It seems like you've been going in circles with this guy for a year now, and not to be rude to someone who sounds like a great catch, but you have your own life and happiness to worry about.

You can't make that happiness dependent on him.

The White Stripe has a point, you need to let go and live your life.

Currently, You, James and his wife are trapped in a love triangle and it's toxic for everyone involved. From your point of view, his wife is the villain that is getting keeping James away from you. From his wife's point of view, you're the bad guy, who's trying to break up her little family.

This may sound harsh, James is stringing you along in his life and you are his 'underground lover'. You are wasting your youth away waiting for him to come around. You are his new 'love interest' and just as long as you are there, he can't be a devoted husband to his wife and growing up in a loveless marriage/family isn't good for the children.
Your grew up in a 'incomplete family' and you turned out fine. So i'm sure the kids will be fine just as long they're loved and are taken care off in a loving family with you and James, or with James and his wife.

You can either:

1. Cut him loose and let him return to his wife. Change your job or move to another location/company/where-ever/somewhere far away from him. Move on with your life and find yourself another guy.Any-guy would be happy to have you as their bf/lover/partner etc....

2. Continuing being his 'underground lover' and living in misery. The victim here is his wife, she doesn't deserve to be deceived by her husband and lead a loveless marriage, imagine you were in her shoes, how would you have feel? If James doesn't love her, ask him to let her go so she is free to find someone who truly loves her. Please don't let her live in a lie.

You know, your story reminds me so much of Brokeback Mountain and it saddens me to see two people who genuinely love each other but can't be together for some reasons. You are 'Jack' and James is 'Ennis'. And i don't want to see the both of you have the same tragic ending as the movie. Please don't do this to yourself, to James, to his wife and to his kids. Please move on, or ask James to move in.

 

[sixthson]

I highly doubt you are his first gay romance.

Unlike those who felt (yourself included) that you could just be friends, I didn't. There was too much sexual tension for just friendship.

I can't help but wonder how much your relationship with him played a part in his estrangement with his wife. As he got closer to you, he withdrew from his wife, causing problems between them. He had to distance himself from his wife to allow himself to be close to you long before their separation. Most battles are won or lost in the mind before our actions follow. Your relationship with him only put more stress on his relationship with his wife until they came to a breaking point. While you have to own your share of responsibility for this mess, if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

[bw92116]

You must put your own emotional health and stability first.

 

[2untru]

History always repeats itself. He had troubles with his wife once, he'll probably have them again. Do you want to wait around for that or do you want to move on? Only advice I would suggest would be to do what makes you most happy or at least content. Crying is understandable because you've just ended a good relationship due to circumstance. But you two were friends first and I predict he'll probably still need one to talk to at some point, unless you think either of you wouldn't have enough self-control.

Me personally, I would not "wait" for him. Instead I would be "available". Waiting implies he is the only option. Available means I am on the market and he knows which aisle to find me. Sidenote: I think it's awesome that the kids like you and you like them, but if keeping that contact makes you uncomfortable I'd be hesitant to continue it.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Salvaging a marriage is a great idea... but that's only under the pretense that he's not lying to her. His wife needs to know about the relationship he had with you and he needs to be completely open about his attraction to men for this whole "salvaging" to work. The fact that he's doing this out of obligation to his kids instead of actually wanting to mend the relationship with his wife speaks volumes about his character. This guy sounds like a sleazeball and I'm 100% positive you deserve better. Let his behavior speak for himself... if you take a step back and stop making excuses for him, it'll be easier for you to break free.

 

[thephoenix]

Aside from being sad and fairly heart broken over James, I'm for the most part really okay and it's something that will pass. The sadness and the pain isn't consuming my life; there's just a tad more of it than I'd prefer right now. I'm trying to feel the feelings and process them so that I'm not carrying them around as baggage in the future. I'm also struggling to do what's bottom line right and not be that person who blames the wife and assigns roles of good guy/bad guy. I really do like the woman as a whole and I hate that she's in a situation that must be incredibly painful for her, made all the worse by the fact that she doesn't know why and what the problem is. I'm carrying ample guilt for my part in causing her any harm.

The fact is, while there may have been some tension between James and I, we did nothing wrong. We didn't actually begin an active romantic relationship until she was gone and set on divorce and when she came back into the picture wanting to work on their marriage we discussed what it meant for us, and I stupidly at the time encouraged him to try to make the marriage work because "it was the right thing to do." I guess my thought process was that doing the right thing and being there for his kids were enough to be happy with. Since she moved back home, we haven't done anything that could be construed as actively and intentionally wrong. He never for a second even suggested that we carry on our relationship in private while he was with his wife.

I realize now that isn't the case and if I had it do over I'd tell him to do what makes him happy. I also told him at the time that he needed to be honest with her and let her know what was happening inside with him. He didn't see the point if he was going to make the marriage work - he said it'd cause more problems. I still think he should be honest with her, but that's his call.

I think I'm the idiot in this one. He never came to me and said "It's over between you and me. The wife wants me back." He came to me and said "I talked to Anna today and she wants to try to work things out and fix what's left of our marriage. Let's talk about this." I did the babbling about what's right and commitment and said "You owe it to your children to try everything to make things work. You should go back to her." And honestly, if I were his wife and had kids with him, I would hope someone would tell this beautiful, smart, funny man to come back to me and try to correct our mistakes. I don't know if that's right or not; it's just what I'd want for me if I were in her shoes.

I don't feel like James is stringing me along (he could be, but it's not what I feel)- he really doesn't torture me on a daily basis (at least that isn't his intent); the smiling and the slight flirting is his personality. He's a playful, good-natured, sometimes goofy sweetheart. If I told him that it really just nearly kills me and makes me want him more - he wouldn't do it and then he wouldn't be himself and while it does hurt, at the same time a small part of me craves that type of attention from him. I know that's wacky and wouldn't blame anybody who accused me of insanity, cause they're my feelings and even I'm a little perplexed by them.

I probably shouldn't have started anything up with him until he was divorced and free and clear. Waiting would have probably saved some grief. I get that now. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a tall, blue eyed man.

The really rich (not in the good way) part about all this is that James loves me. I don't doubt that for a second. I think if I had asked him, he would have stayed with me; hell, I think if I told him that he should do what makes him happy, we'd be together now. I believe I made him happy and I know that he made me happy. I've never been closer to anyone or shared so much of myself with someone as I have him. James never had to tell me that he loved me because I already knew from his actions. Like when he changed the oil in my car, fixed anything that needed it at home, mowed my grass, DVR'd shows he thought I'd like, if we were having lunch or dinner and I was running late he'd order me something to drink and if he knew what I liked at the restaurant he'd order that too (in fact he was usually there first most of the time), he went to stuff that didn't interest him, but I liked and he never complained or threw it back in my face later, he told me his fears and his dreams, and so much more. His words just drove the point home.

Don't get me wrong, he could be stubborn and super competitive, he can put too much pressure on himself and his kids to excel, he can be cynical and jaded, he could be a sore loser at times, but none of that matters to me.

I've had my share of ill advised relationships and relationships in general, but this is different. I've been what I called "in love" before and this is another level entirely. Before, the thought of commitment and the future with someone I was in love with was both exciting and terrifying and produced some temporary anxiety. With James, there's no anxiety or terror; I wouldn't even say there was excitement because there's no spazziness to it - just complete calm and bliss. Any nervousness I felt was fleeting and in the day to day relationship because he just drives me crazy in that amazingly good way. He's both a mystery and an open book. Unpredictable and safe because he loved me and I knew he would take care of me.

And I threw all that away out of some naive, prideful sense of nobility and righteousness. I'm an idiot to the nth degree...I know that all of you who say I should cut my losses and move along are right and that just removing myself from the situation is probably the true right thing to do.

I really don't consider myself to be hung up in such a way that is unhealthy at this point. It's still a fresh hurt and I'm experiencing all the sense of pain, grief, loss, and regret that comes with it. I have the "what ifs" and "if onlys" running through my mind with the occasional appearance of the token "maybe if." I'm gonna be okay. As close as I was and to an extent still am to James, he was never an attempt to establish or repair part of my identity; he never became such an integral part of who I am that I can't get on without him. I already established who I am and I was with James because I chose and wanted to be. I already had the cake, James was the icing. Loving James and being loved by him has never been about me.

I have my friends who know something's not quite right, but they don't know what it is exactly. James and I hadn't come to the point of being open about our relationship yet, so I don't really have anyone to bounce my feelings off of, which is why I post here and appreciate all the advice and support.

Just being completely honest about what I selfishly want to do, I want to go to him kiss him, look him in the eyes and tell him I love and miss him and that nothing would make me happier than for him to come back to me. That's the selfish me desire that I will never do. Then there's another desire. With this one I want to go to him, ask him if he is happy, tell him I was wrong about what I thought and that he should do what makes him happy. All he owes his wife is the truth and he owes his boys the same love and support he's always given them. And then tell him that I love him and that what I want is for him to be happy; if he's happy, I'm more than all right.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Since it’s pretty clear that you have a good head on your shoulder, this is going to be a bit blunt.

I think that you, like you said, are naive, but not because of the reasons you gave. Think about this objectively.

You claim that both of you guys didn't do anything wrong and that the relationship didn't actually become actively romantic until he had separated from his wife... Incorrect.

1. You had already developed a completely inappropriate emotional relationship with another woman's husband in the many many months before anything was said... He made a commitment to his wife and that commitment is compounded by the fact that he has children. You seem to think that just because you guys started a romantic relationship AFTER he and his wife were separated, that that somehow makes it right. Incorrect again.

This is reason by playing with semantics. You were already in a relationship with him. The relationship just progressed even quicker when it became official and sexual in nature. You were over at his, playing with his kids who happen to love you. You claim not to want the kids to live in a broken home, but the seed has been implanted in his subconscious that what he has with his wife is not what will make him happy.
Conclusion: It’s pretty clear that he initiated, and you as the other man who made no such commitment carry less of the fault. The fact that he had marital problems and was going through tough times is no justification for this kind of behavior. He’s in the wrong here. That is the definition of stringing you along.

2. You’re saying you convinced him to go back to his wife and work things out for his kids. Great! But only on your part. On his part? Not so much. He doesn’t actually care about the relationship and this decision wasn’t exactly what he wanted to do deep down inside. You claim that you’re stupid and that if you were put in this situation you would have told him to be happy (which would have meant staying with you) and you and both he would be sooo much happier. Excuse me? You have the moral high ground right now. THAT is not naïve. Don’t you DARE call yourself naïve and doubt your decision because you acted according to your morals.

Naïve is thinking that he’s still the great, funny, smart, handsome man who loves and will take care of you. Behavioral patterns do not change just because the people changes. Do you not doubt that he was madly in love and was happy in his relationship at one point? If he bases all of his decisions on what makes him happy at that very moment, then he will never experience true happiness. He made an binding legal and familial contract to be faithful sexually and emotional to his wife, and however you try to spin it, he broke it.

At the rate you’re going right now, if you don’t distance yourself COMPLETELY, chances areyou will end up back with him. And I assure you, he will do the exact same thing to you after your honeymoon period has ended..

Really, this has nothing to do with cutting your losses. This is about processing all of his actions objectively and realizing that although it sucks, and you’re heartbroken you deserve so so so so so much better than anything he could ever offer you. Until you can take a step back and stop vouching for his disgusting behavior, you won’t be able to see how things really are. My heart breaks for you.


In the end, this ordeal has nothing to do with cutting your losses etc, it has to do with you realizing that, objectively, he isn't as great as you think he is.


I wish you the best,
Isaac

 

[sixthson]

Listen to Hungrybrownbear's wise words.

The guy might be going back with his wife out of a sense of commitment now, but who is to say that they can't get back what they have lost? If he thinks you are there waiting for him, he won't give it his all, which is exactly what he was probably doing when you guys were getting to know each other before she left. Again, I can't help but wonder what role your relationship played in the breakup of his marriage.
One of the reasons I doubt he is not new to gay romance is the way he played you from the beginning. The flirting, the touching, the sweet talk and romantic gestures like choosing your drinks and dinner for you. He was dating you whether you knew it or not. He wined and dined you and you were okay with it.

I don't buy into this advice that he should do what makes him happy. At what cost should he do this and whom does he hurt in the process. Afterall, didn't his wife make him happy at one time?

It's great when our friends love our kids and are involved in their lives. It's not a great thing when it's "the other man" who is involved with them. You should sever all contact with him and his kids. And as far as those little winks he gives you now being just his playful, flirtatious personality, I say bullshit. His doing that and you accepting it is just your way of hanging on to each other.

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

Offtopic question

What influenced you to want to be a nurse, instead of being a doctor? Sorry if its a bit offtopic, I have always been curios on this matter.

 

[TitaniumSky]

You know... Isaac does have a point, not the idea that James is a bad person but rather that we don't exactly know the full story here.

James may not necessarily be a bad person, possibly he didn't know what he wanted. We don't know the full story about his and his wife's relationship. It could have been just a mistake, nobody is perfect, so we can't exactly discredit him just yet, thus, the question to be answered now is, how did James and his wife get together?

And is it so wrong for James to leave? He's probably not going to be happy or stay in the relationship whether or not phoenix leaves. In any case, wouldn't it be better for James to allow his wife to find someone she would truly be happy with and thus leaving James to also pursue happiness? It isn't exactly very late either, James isn't in his 40's I'm going to guess that his wife isn't either. And if he did leave, he wouldn't leave all of a sudden of course, it would be gradual and he should continue to support his kids.

So much blame seems to be placed on James for seeking happiness without knowing how intentional his marriage was.



Oh, and I also want to know the answer to ZmercTheDuke's question, from what I understand, people seek a job as a nurse because the pay is pretty good and one can become a nurse much quicker and get on with life than if one were to become a doctor. A doctor has to spend an extra 7 years outside college before they can actually start life, partially due to the price of medical school and partially due to residency.