Crappy!

[rendersurfer]

I just posted this on my MySpace blog. It just a rant. Excuse the slang.

I'm actually Bi. Just in case you're wondering. Bleah.

I feeling so fucked up now. I hate getting close to people and getting emotional attachments to them. Ugh. It's always the same. Get to know someone, click, and than I want more! I just had to. Become somewhat close friends, than BOOM! Suddenly, you're not! Ugh. Even if it isn't that way, something else will just fuck it all up. Shit sia!

Why do I even bother sometimes?! Nothing lasts anyway. I'll still end up as the one feeling like shit, not them. They're fine! Why do I need to have the feeling of being accepted?! What's the fucking point?! It's not like I'd get a million bucks or anything.

Am I that much of a loser to actually get a best friend from another country. The dude doesn't even do best friends. Like WTH. I'm such a loser! I don't know why I keep insisting that he's my best friend though. It's not like we've actually met. Shit man. Such a fucking loser! I feel so fucking horrible now man. I really feel like punching myself. I'm getting so clingy. And those are the people I can't stand. I even realized we've got not much in common anyway. He's probably gonna drift away like everyone does. And than I'll just sulk in a corner.

I hate this. I've got NO ONE to talk to. I even got fucking resort to blogging. Isn't it so obvious he doesn't even bother about you?! You give and give and give. And do you get in return?! Fuck la. He doesn't owe you anything. Maybe that's why he doesn't do best friends. Just get fucked over. I think he's just accommodating my feelings. Like maybe. Aww poor Asian, he's already such a loser don't make him feel worse la. Shit shit shit. Arggh. I fucking fucking fucking wanna die! I keep wanting to go visit him, like what the hell?! For what sia?! Again. Don't bother the dude already! Like as if hounding him on MSN is not enough?!

Seriously la, get a fucking life. You're such a fucking asshole. Yarh, maybe he's just being nice. I mean there are plenty of nice people out there. Don't be annoying! I mean there must be something wrong with you, if you can't fucking even keep any relationships.

And now you want to date Carisia?! Please lor, you think she likes you?! What the hell am I thinking?! The fact that people can actually stand you?! Woah just be glad about that. I'm such a fucking piece of shit. AHHHHHHH! Kill me! You yourself know very well. You be single for the rest of your fucking life.

And this cycle will just keep repeating. Gwad you're hopeless.

 

[kainalu]

I am going to recommend to you that you look for a well qualified psychologist. you need one.

 

[EvilForce]

OMG! No BFF?!? That sux!

 

[luminum]

OMG! No BFF?!? That sux!

Helpful.

I'm going to chalk this up to being what you said it was: a rant. And like with most rant-inducing situations, you'll probably feel a bit better in the morning and then be able to approach this in a more constructive way.

Regardless, what you posted seems to present a lot of issues, such as self-perceived over attachment, discomfort with your race, loneliness, and a sense of being unappreciated. If these are deeper than just rant-induced then I would agree, and suggest you go seek a psychologist or therapist who can listen to you and offer some counsel.

If they aren't, then when you've taken a breather, please return and explain what you're going through.

 

[rareboy]

I would also suggest that you see a counsellor or therapist.

There are all kinds of anger and self esteem issues here.

It is more than a rant. It is a desperate cry for help.

This was an earlier thread you started on March 15, 2008 when you were only 18 years old, it seems...

I feel SO freaking hated, and there are no facts to back that up. I feel so sad and there absolutely no one to talk to.

It just seems like I have no friends at all. I've always said, when I was younger the being an only child meant that I could live without friends. I've found myself to be very wrong now. I constantly feel like crying just thinking about it.

I don't know, is it just me, or no one likes me?! Am I that horrible? Am I ugly?! It seems like I had more friends when i was fat. Now that I've lost the weight I feel so alienated. It's like as if, for every pound i shed, I loose one of the few friends I had. I always thought I had very few friends, cause I was fat. Guess I was proven wrong!

I mean, it's not like my "friends" and I are not in good terms, but I just don't know if I considered their friend. I feel so insecure. Could be me wanting attention, but I don't feel liked.

Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. I know I sound so dramatic, but I need to vent. There's no one there for me!

Also, with the whole sexuality thing! Driving me crazy. Girls or Guys?! Girls or Guys?! Here I am getting aroused by men, and having feeling for girls. Like what the hell?! This is TOO much for one person to handle. Let alone a 18 year old boy.

I can't take it! Sometimes, I wish I was dead. Than I wouldn't have to deal with such ridiculous emotions and problems!

I sorry for who ever took the time to read my piece of crap. I'm just feeling so depressed, lonely, unwanted, etc.

Somebody kill me!

Aggh!

Get yourself some therapy...as soon as you can...

 

[G-Lexington]

Unless you're more likely to take advice from a cartoon gargoyle on a gay message board than you are from yourself, there's really nothing to say.

We all have an inner voice guiding us along. The reason yours is so loud, and so angry, seems to be that you don't heed it enough. When my inner voice says "you probably shouldn't call him", I don't.

You need to work on that. Maybe if you listen to that voice a bit more, your friendships won't all fall apart. Whether you can do this alone, or you need professional help to do this, is a question you AND your inner voice need to decide.

Lex

 

[rendersurfer]

Actually I did feel better in the morning.

I mean, I know it sounds horrible, but I can be quite dramatic. Lol. Ugh... i don;t know, maybe it's deeper than I think.

But my friend did say this to me.

"If you annoyed me, I would have told you.
If I didn't want to be your friend, I would have told you.
If I felt sorry for you, I wouldn't be so fucking rude.

Who ever said we weren't friends anymore?
Pull yourself together."

It also did make me feel a lot better.

As for the race thing, I'm defiantly not insecure about that. I was just being stereotypical about Caucasians.

And I do have friends (Surprise, surprise), but I do get emotionally attached easily. To the ones that I feel have potential to be good friends. If you do get what I mean.

I do get into this kinda moods once in awhile. I haven't felt like that in quite awhile actually.

 

[Persian89]

I can't have ONS, I get to attached as well :/ might as well just jerk off to porn until you find someone -_-

 

[luminum]

And I do have friends (Surprise, surprise), but I do get emotionally attached easily. To the ones that I feel have potential to be good friends. If you do get what I mean.

I do get into this kinda moods once in awhile. I haven't felt like that in quite awhile actually.

Everyone gets attached, and everyone gets "those moods" but perhaps due to how strongly you felt them and the issues presented in them, it might be good to at least talk to a therapist to assess whether or not there's anything deeper going on there.

 

[rareboy]

^ absolutely.

Even if you're just being a child and throwing a tantrum, you are exhibiting some pretty serious problems.

If I were you, I'd also make sure not to eat any msg, high fructose corn syrup or other things that may seriously affect your metabolism and moods.

 

[EvilForce]

Actually I did feel better in the morning.

I mean, I know it sounds horrible, but I can be quite dramatic. Lol. Ugh... i don;t know, maybe it's deeper than I think.

But my friend did say this to me.

"If you annoyed me, I would have told you.
If I didn't want to be your friend, I would have told you.
If I felt sorry for you, I wouldn't be so fucking rude.

Who ever said we weren't friends anymore?
Pull yourself together."

It also did make me feel a lot better.

As for the race thing, I'm defiantly not insecure about that. I was just being stereotypical about Caucasians.

And I do have friends (Surprise, surprise), but I do get emotionally attached easily. To the ones that I feel have potential to be good friends. If you do get what I mean.

I do get into this kinda moods once in awhile. I haven't felt like that in quite awhile actually.

That's why I posted my original post. Sometimes we need a little kick in the pants to remind us that maybe our problems don't register much on the World Needs To Care Scale. Well, seeing global hunger, eco-contamination, and a few others need addressing first.

But my friend did say this to me.

"If you annoyed me, I would have told you.
If I didn't want to be your friend, I would have told you.
If I felt sorry for you, I wouldn't be so fucking rude.

Who ever said we weren't friends anymore?
Pull yourself together."

Do you see how you own insecurity and self-hate spun this into you feeling like crap? When someone has self-hate and insecurity they can't understand why anyone would like them, since they don't even like themselves. Then the smallest of random things happen, and it's a downward spiral of the mind feeding itself on negative, insecure thinking. It isn't healthy for either you or your friend to go thru these whipsaw episodes of drama that you create because of your own issues. It isn't fair to ask you friend to indulge your emotional roller coaster, and you will eventually lose friends if they feel you are all drama, no substance.

 

[rareboy]

I was just being stereotypical about Caucasians.

Don't pull this shit again, by the way. Stereotyping anyone is offensive and is seriously going to affect the level of support you get from many people posting to your thread.

 

[G-Lexington]

So...what? j/k, lol, all better, nothing to see here?

Very few of us believe that. And I have a feeling you don't either.

Lex