Crazy in love. He is seeing another guy. How to enjoy it?

[SomeBoi]

Hey everyone,

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks now. I'm 20, he's 28. We get along great, and have a lot of fun together! He has introduced me to all his friends, and we've all hung out together. They all really like me, and have said countless times if it doesn't work out between him and I that I better still remain a good friend! (hopefully it works out, but nice of them to say!).

Just this past weekend him and I went to Halifax. Friday night he introduced me to his parents and we stayed at their house for the night. It went really well, we slept in the same bed, cuddled a bit on the couch. It was very new to both of us, he's completely out and I'm not. It felt great to be together, and have his parents very accepting! Saturday night his friends came down, we all got hotel rooms, and we went out for food and drinks. Then him and I went to the gay bar together and danced. After the fun, just him and I walked around the city near the waterfront with our arms around eachother, it was really sweet.

Now, there is one complication. The name of the guy I'm seeing is Dave. He is seeing one other guy, his name is Steve. Which is fine, we're just dating and that's what you do when you date (see multiple people). It's not as serious at all with the other guy, they only go to the movies and gym it. No hanging out with eachother's friends, or parents, etc... Dave has even told me he just thinks he wants Steve as a friend. But really isn't sure yet. Dave is incredibly, incredibly non-committal with everything he does. He doesn't know what he wants. We're having a great time together, but I want more. Well not really more, I want to keep doing what we're doing, but I want it to just be us, no other guys! Which is completely fine and expected right?

I have really strong feelings for Dave, I really, really like him. Perhaps love. We have so much in common and get along great. We have talked about the situation with the other guy, and I told him I will wait for him to decide what he wants, because he's worth it, etc... but it's killing me to wait! I think about Dave all the time, but I just feel anxious and worry about the other guy. His friends have told me that they haven't met Steve, but clearly believe I'm "winning" (which is funny to hear, haha). I shouldn't be worried about the other guy, I just feel we're kind of in limbo while he decides what he wants. I don't want to put pressure on him for a decision, I don't want to be annoying but I feel it's right to express how I feel and he's very empathetic when I tell him how I feel.

Any suggestions, advice, or general comments? I'd really appreciate feedback.

 

[RobUK2]

6 weeks doesn't seem long enough to be feeling so deeply (e.g. "Perhaps love").

Are you sure you're not just getting swept by it all, getting infatuated, etc. ?

I mean, I'm not trying to discourage you, or influence you in any way, and maybe I'm a bit über-cautious, but that's the first thought that sprang to ming when I read your post...

Rob

 

[Hot White Trash]

I disagree - 6 weeks, given all that they have done together - is enough time to develop some feelings for him.

I am really new to this idea of guys seeing more than one guy at a time. Maybe for a week or two that is fine, but after a month its gotta be one guy. So I am with the OP - I would want Dave to choose.

Question is - have you seen/met Steve? What is the attraction? That might answer your questions about Dave. There is something he likes about and wants from Steve. Figure out what that is and you will have a good part of your answer.

 

[Seasoned]

I agree with Rob. You jumped in with both feet and he seems to have gone in with a half of foot. The inequality in terms of committment early on can be a set up. Subconsciously you now both know that you are willing to be put on hold. That fact alone could be a relationship-long issue. If he's dating, you should also be dating. Parents approval, friends approval? That can be a death sentence.

I think the real issue here is you not being out. Dave and family and friends are a refuge. Stand back, even for a second, and ask yourself how much of wanting to be exclusive after this short time has to do with providing you a safety net in your own coming out.

I don't mean for this to be cold, but rather direct. I care about any gay person younger than I and I'm afraid that if this relationship ends you will be left with such heartache as you have so much support through him, family and friends.

Whatever you decide to do, continue personal development independent of him. By the virtue of his support, experience and age he appears to be less vulnerable than you. I hope this works out for you; if not, take the experience as a positive one and move on. You sound like a great guy. He is lucky to have you in his life.

 

[SomeBoi]

No, I don't think I'm becoming infatuated. Perhaps a little, but in the past 6-8 weeks we really have spent an incredible amount of time together. My feelings really have grown. I liked spending time with him in the beginning, etc... and the more we did the more I liked him. I just feel we're really good for eachother, and my feelings haven't been all of a sudden (but who knows).

@Hot White Trash: Thank you for giving me your opinion on that. I wasn't sure, this dating thing and seeing more people at once, how long should that really last? I'm agreeing with your 1-2 weeks, not a month. I really just want him to tell me what he wants. It does hurt to know you're not the only one.

I haven't met Steve, so I have no idea. I have seen pictures of him on Facebook, and on a shallow level, he's not any better looking than me. We're both fit, good looking guys. Good point though, I need to figure out what the attraction is to this other guy!

@soreknees: I appreciate the direct response. Really, I do. You could be right, I don't know. I'm actually more experienced with gay life, than he is. I have been dating guys for probably 4 years, he only recently started dating guys 8 months ago (before that he only dated women). He has come out to his family and most of his friends, so he is ahead of me there for sure. But I have dated and had more relationships than he has, if that makes a difference. I'm out to most of my friends, but not family.

I do like being together with mutual friends and family, and experiencing being "out" to them and being recognized as a couple. That's a great feeling!

So, yes we're both going through some personal development, however I don't think I like him only because I am doing more of this. We're on about the same track, I'm just not out to my parents.

He is a bit older than me, but I think we're on the same maturity level. I'm quite mature for my age, and I'm not interested in the casual one night hookups or life drama that most guys my age seem to be involved in (I would love to find an exception!).

Dave and I have a lot in common together, we are very comfortable and conversation flows freely between us. He has already graduated from Uni with his degree and has a great job, house, car, etc... is stable. I'm still in Uni working towards my degree, so I'm a bit more dependent that way but I don't think it's a setback since we connect on many other levels, and very soon I will graduate and be "stable" as well.

----

So... should I keep waiting? Should I put my foot down and say I want to be the only guy? (we've been dating long enough, let's work on us - I feel another guy is holding us back). I have talked about this before with him, but haven't been firm, and I have always concluded our discussion with "Take your time, I can wait... we don't need to rush". I've met lots of guys, but no one like Dave. We get along great, and we have a lot of fun together. He has goals and aspirations and is doing well for himself, I admire him for that as I'm also goal-oriented and put in a lot of effort to get where I want to be. He is just so different than the other guys I've met, and I really, really want to give this a chance I just don't know how to "move forward"?

 

[Hot White Trash]

That he has not been "gay" for that long tells me you should not pressure him. He's dealing with it great by coming out to family and friends, but who knows what he is feeling inside.

Not to be all personal but you didn't mention sex. I get the feeling you and he ain't knocking boots, but is he doing it with Steve? I think sex can win or lose a man. I am not saying you need to put out to keep him, rather that if he likes having sex with Steve it will be tough to give up.

 

[SomeBoi]

Good point! Where he hasn't been "gay" for awhile, I am giving him his space, and not pressuring. Not making a big deal that he still seeing this Steve guy. I guess I'm wondering how much longer to keep doing that, or maybe we're not right for eachother where he's so "new". Perhaps he's not ready to slow down, although he said he was.

I didn't mention sex as I guess I'm a private person and didn't want to bring it up. I wanted to talk about other levels of the relationship.

Dave and I have great sex! And lots of it! Sometimes for fun when we hang out, we say we're not going to have sex to see if we can do it... but we lose every time.

He has told me he is not having sex with Steve. I believe he was being honest, as we have agreed to be completely open with eachother. He did however reveal that they did fool around once (I believe either oral or handjob).

It's like we're physically exclusive, but not emotionally exclusive.

He's not hanging out as much with Steve as he is me, he's not having sex with Steve, Steve doesn't have a job and not many aspirations, I have a good paying job and I'm working on my degree at the sametime (I plan to become a Pharmacist), Steve isn't any cuter than I am. What the hell is the deal with this Steve guy? I really don't know why he keeps him around!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hmm, I can see both sides to this issue. There's something internal working out for him. On the plus side, you are definitely the one he is introducing to all of his friends and family. Clearly, you have a place in his life. There's something else about this other guy that Dave is exploring. Maybe give it some more time before you want to sit down and have that talk of where your "relationship" stands with Dave.

 

[SomeBoi]

Already had that talk! So hopefully I haven't scared him away. I don't think so though. I will continue to ride it out, enjoy the time I'm spending with him at the moment and hope for the best.

 

[TX-Beau]

No, I don't think I'm becoming infatuated. Perhaps a little, but in the past 6-8 weeks we really have spent an incredible amount of time together. My feelings really have grown. I liked spending time with him in the beginning, etc... and the more we did the more I liked him. I just feel we're really good for eachother, and my feelings haven't been all of a sudden (but who knows).

Yeah you are infatuated, it jumps off the screen. But OK, you know, that happens hopefully when you date someone.

However - and I'm going to play dusty grandfather here - there is no way in hell you know each other, not if you spent every minute of the month and a half you've been dating in each other's presence. You simply can't get to know someone all that well in that amount of time.

That's not a bad thing, it's just life. You don't have a commitment from this guy so maybe you should just reign it in a bit and relax. Have a good time. You can worry about this other stuff when and if you have a reason to worry about it. Which you don't. Yet.

A month and a half in is a little soon to be worrying about forever anyway. Hopefully you'll get there with him, but you've got some road in front of you before you know.

 

[altlover85]

Is Steve out to his family?

If someone isn't out to there immediate family, that's an issue for me personally because it suggests that there will be times when we can't be together during holidays and times like that.

Is there anyway he can meet your friends? Do you go to his place most of the time?

I think it's important to try and equalize the relationship as much as you can.