Credit Card Debt, Should I Tell Him?

[JUBber-X]

So I've been in this relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've been living together for about 3 months. The thing is that I have some credit card debt to take care of, $10,000 to be exact. I wouldn't say I got that debt entirely by wasteful spending, but poor financial choices. A lot of it was to help pay rent, medical bills, gas, groceries, etc., and I've been building this debt for a course of about 2 years. I have been working most of this time, but not a great job, especially when I got bumped down to part time. Looking back, I could have done things much differently.

Recently I got a new job and much bigger paycheck, thank god. So now I'm able to go without relying on credit cards, but now that the debt it so high, the minimum payments are taking a big chunk out of my monthly income. Still managable. I don't know whether or not to tell my boyfriend about the credit card debt. I don't want him to worry about it because it's my problem and not his. Also I don't want to dump it on him and make him think that I want him to fix my situation. Even though I would really like his help paying it off, there's no way I would ask him to.

Also he does know that I'm making a better income, but doesn't know I still can't spend much money, because of making payments. Not sure what to say if he brings it up. I don't know if I should tell him or just handle it all by myself.

 

[Jasson67]

Isn't honesty and truthfulness part of the foundation for a good relationship?

You decide. I think you already know the answer you were looking for.

 

[M4P]

Since you're living with him I think you should come clean with him. While you're at it show him your plan to get out. You never know, he may offer to pay more towards the rent so you can contribute more to your debt

Also, have you approached your bank to try to reduce the debt with either a consolidation loan or line of credit? The interest rates are generally much lower so you can get out quicker

Good luck and please let us know how things turn out

 

[jonboy1645]

Let him know about it, and most importantly, share your plan to fix it. He knew you when you had your other job and should understand that you had to do what you had to do to make ends meet.

Also, refinancing this debt at a lower interest rate and more favorable terms should be a priority. Couple of ideas:

1) Banks aren't doing very well with lending without collateral right now (signature loans), but if you own an asset of value, you can likely get a loan on that (car for example).

2) Credit Unions are doing better with signature loans (in general) - see if there is a credit union in your area and how to join.

3) Do you have a 401k at a past employer that allows lending? If so, inquire about how you can borrow from that. This can be a tricky solution because - if you miss paying back your loan, it becomes a taxable distribution, with a 10% penalty if you are under 59 1/2 years old. .and there's more to it - but, best part is, likely the interest that you pay, you actually pay it to you.

 

[Oceansluver78]

Let him know about it, and most importantly, share your plan to fix it. He knew you when you had your other job and should understand that you had to do what you had to do to make ends meet.



3) Do you have a 401k at a past employer that allows lending? If so, inquire about how you can borrow from that. This can be a tricky solution because - if you miss paying back your loan, it becomes a taxable distribution, with a 10% penalty if you are under 59 1/2 years old. .and there's more to it - but, best part is, likely the interest that you pay, you actually pay it to you.

NEVER EVER do this! This is worse than a 10,000.00 credit card debt

 

[UC3543]

Boy, I wish I only had $10K in Credit card debt. I have about three times as that, but have a good job now and told my boyfriend, that it should be paid off within 18 months. Didn't give hom the gory details

 

[slickery]

The decision is entirely up to you.

Do you two share finances, have a joint bank account or anything?

I'd say you could tell him, just leave out the details, but make it aware so he doesn't think you are cheap or anything or never want to spend money.

 

[inlovewithblair]

So I've been in this relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. We've been living together for about 3 months. The thing is that I have some credit card debt to take care of, $10,000 to be exact. I wouldn't say I got that debt entirely by wasteful spending, but poor financial choices. A lot of it was to help pay rent, medical bills, gas, groceries, etc., and I've been building this debt for a course of about 2 years. I have been working most of this time, but not a great job, especially when I got bumped down to part time. Looking back, I could have done things much differently.

Recently I got a new job and much bigger paycheck, thank god. So now I'm able to go without relying on credit cards, but now that the debt it so high, the minimum payments are taking a big chunk out of my monthly income. Still managable. I don't know whether or not to tell my boyfriend about the credit card debt. I don't want him to worry about it because it's my problem and not his. Also I don't want to dump it on him and make him think that I want him to fix my situation. Even though I would really like his help paying it off, there's no way I would ask him to.

Also he does know that I'm making a better income, but doesn't know I still can't spend much money, because of making payments. Not sure what to say if he brings it up. I don't know if I should tell him or just handle it all by myself.

I wouldn't tell him. Once again, I have never been in a relationship before, but I think some things (like farting, burping, and complaining about debt) totally kill the mood and butterflies in a relationship. Worry about it yourself. If he questions why you're being cheap, say that you have better things to spend your money on. Or make a joke out of it. Just don't tell him, 'Omg, I have so much debt. I'm 10 grand in the hole'.

 

[JUBber-X]

I've been thinking about eventually telling him. I was thinking after I get my tax return which I plan on using towards the debt, which will make it more managable. I kinda don't want to tell him because I don't get into his business of how much he makes, how much he spends, and where his money is going. But that feels like an excuse.

We don't have a shared account or anything like that, but we split most of the expenses, like rent, phone, groceries, etc. I've been able to hold up my part of the expenses. When I tell him, I don't want to get into detail, but let him know that some of my income will be towards paying off credit card debt.

 

[jackoroe]

If you're going to make a life together, I think it's important to share your finances. I've been happily partnered for 10 years. He knows everything about my finances as I do about his. He's got his bills, I've got mine. We've bought some real estate together, so that's ours.

I don't think sharing with him is a big deal, but to each their own.

 

[givemeaname]

i would agree ....if you're in a relationship its best to be honest ... especially if youve taken the step of moving in together ....

 

[inlovewithblair]

i would agree ....if you're in a relationship its best to be honest ... especially if youve taken the step of moving in together ....

It's not like they're getting married tomorrow. They aren't sharing accounts, only some expenses. As long as he comes up with his portion of the bills, then his boyfriend shouldn't ask questions, and he shouldn't be obligated to tell him. If it starts becoming an issue, that's when he should know, but not now.

Who knows what the boyfriend would think if he found out? He's irresponsible. He can't manage his money. If he can't manage money, then how can I trust him in our relationship? Yada, yada, yada. I've always thought that some things should be left unsaid.

 

[PabloZed]

I agree with those who say its not about honesty. There is no obligation to tell someone you are dating, even if you live with him, that you are in debt. That is, unless it will cause you to not be able to meet your share of expenses. That is relevant, but that would also be the case if you were just roommates.

I also find the statement that you actually would like him to help you pay it off a bit disturbing because you are basically suggesting that by dating you he has incurred obligations. Most guys would run away fast at that idea of being seen as an ATM.

 

[uflyguy]

It all really depends on your relationship. If you arent sharing much, including money issues and how much you guys make, etc., then I probably wouldnt mention anything unless he mentions something. As long as you can pay your bills on your own, it really shouldnt be an issue. If you start falling behind which is going to cause him problems paying bills, then I would definitely bring it up. As you are in the relationship longer and start sharing more, your feelings about telling him might change as well.
On the other hand, my partner and I dont have any joint accounts, but do know each others business. We've been together for 4 1/2 years though so that might make a difference. I actually own the house and he pays me X amount a month to go towards all expenses for the house. We split almost everything else (groceries, pet bills, households items). I make more than him and know that he wouldnt be able to afford paying 1/2 of everything plus his own bills, but that is my decision. When I found out how much he owed (medical bankruptcy caused high interest rates for him) I offered to help him out. Not to pay it, but to transfer his high interest cards to an account that I had that charged very little interest. That alone saved him over $150 a month just in interest payments. We have an agreement in writing that he still owes the debt on my card, but as long as he continues to pay he can have full use of the low interest rate to help. I dont have the money to pay his cards (I can barely pay mine off each month), but I feel that I am helping him anyway. In the end, its going to depend on how comfortable you are discussing your financial issues with your boyfriend. (Even married folks hide their cc debt from their spouse from what I've seen on Oprah.)

 

[M4P]

Who knows what the boyfriend would think if he found out? He's irresponsible. He can't manage his money. If he can't manage money, then how can I trust him in our relationship?

BT might also wonder what else is being held back

Be honest

 

[KingofFaeries]

Personally i would probably tell him just to avoid the whole, 'we never go out' drama. But that's just me. As long as you have a plan to get out of debt, and are actively looking for solutions to get out of debt faster he doesn't NEED! to know, but it's something you can share with him so that later on down the road and the 'we never go out' drama flares it's ugly head you guys don't get into a fight about 'WHY DIDN"T YOU TELL ME! I COULDA HELPED!' bs. Plus he may have some insightful way to help out, not by paying your debt off but something the field of uflyguy's situation.

 

[inlovewithblair]

It all really depends on your relationship. If you arent sharing much, including money issues and how much you guys make, etc., then I probably wouldnt mention anything unless he mentions something. As long as you can pay your bills on your own, it really shouldnt be an issue. If you start falling behind which is going to cause him problems paying bills, then I would definitely bring it up. As you are in the relationship longer and start sharing more, your feelings about telling him might change as well.
On the other hand, my partner and I dont have any joint accounts, but do know each others business. We've been together for 4 1/2 years though so that might make a difference. I actually own the house and he pays me X amount a month to go towards all expenses for the house. We split almost everything else (groceries, pet bills, households items). I make more than him and know that he wouldnt be able to afford paying 1/2 of everything plus his own bills, but that is my decision. When I found out how much he owed (medical bankruptcy caused high interest rates for him) I offered to help him out. Not to pay it, but to transfer his high interest cards to an account that I had that charged very little interest. That alone saved him over $150 a month just in interest payments. We have an agreement in writing that he still owes the debt on my card, but as long as he continues to pay he can have full use of the low interest rate to help. I dont have the money to pay his cards (I can barely pay mine off each month), but I feel that I am helping him anyway. In the end, its going to depend on how comfortable you are discussing your financial issues with your boyfriend. (Even married folks hide their cc debt from their spouse from what I've seen on Oprah.)

That just seems like no fun. If I were fucking him, I'd think of all the money he owes me.

Even if I get married. I'm just a believer that your money is yours and my money is mine. I'm responsible for half, and so are you.

 

[uflyguy]

That just seems like no fun. If I were fucking him, I'd think of all the money he owes me.

Even if I get married. I'm just a believer that your money is yours and my money is mine. I'm responsible for half, and so are you.

Thats just it. He doesnt "owe" me the money. I decided what I thought was appropriate for our situation and we revisit it each time things change like the mortgage or insurance going up. We put in a pool and the mortgage went up and he pays more for it. When we bought new furniture or a new washer we split it in half. We just dont split all of the mortgage and monthly bills in half, but thats my choice. He just doesnt make as much as me and I'm not going to lessen my lifestyle just so we can split everything in half. I prefer to have him give me a reasonable amount and I take care of the rest.
I see you've never been in a relationship before. Lets just hope you dont fall in love with someone with expensive tastes and bills that requires halfsies. Give it a couple years and a few relationships and revisit this advice.

 

[Luka]

i told my bf before we even started dateing that i have 12,000 in jut credit card debt. he just blew it off like it was nothing

 

[JUBber-X]

So I filed my taxes and I'm actually getting a bigger return than I thought. I plan on having a dicussion once I get my return and use it to lower some of my debt.

Also I wanted to comment more about how I said "I would like him to help pay it off", that came out wrong. I meant it in a way like "I would like to win the lottery". I'm not expecting it to happen, and like I said I'll never ask him to help. But if he did offer to help out a little bit, I would really apreciate it.