Cross generation friendship

[CudDULL]

Can people be friends with each other even if there is a huge age gap between them? More specifically can gay guys have a successful friendship even if there is a huge age gap in between?

I'm just saying, growing up gay in this generation wasn't the same as previous generation so that really does affect a person's character the way they were raised upon views on homosexuality and sexuality etc during their time.

I recently met someone who is probably old enough to be my father. He acts and talks like he is in his 20s which makes him seem so out of character. Who am I to judge though right? He is nice, sweet, and shy at times but he seems to try and be one of my friends and also has odd behavior. I feel guilty right now for criticizing him like this.

Anyway one night he got upset because I went to a bar with my friends and didn't invite him and ignored him all night (I dont get service in the bar). I've only known him for a week and I wasn't going to introduce him to my friends considering our age difference. He called me an asshole and when I texted him the next day he told me his friends came over and took his phone while he was passed out because they partied. I didn't believe him but I let it go since he said it wouldn't happen again.

Then tonight he tells me he loves. I don't know if he means this in a friendly way or if its more than that. I've known him for a week and he has confessed his attraction for me prior to this. I just don't know how to react to this.

In the week that I've known him already I think hes come on way too strong and has tried to be way too forward. He looks desperate in my eyes. I don't know what hes desperate about. I don't think its sex and I'm sure he really just wants a good friend but the way he behaves is not someone I want as a friend. The big issue for me is the age difference and I guess that's not fair but I just don't see myself connecting with someone his age.

Is it possible to be good friends with someone 30-40 years older/younger than you?

 

[kataskopos]

Hum...

You're clearly confused. My friends are of my age. But the age don't means nothing, you can have any interestin' things to talk about as how many has changin' the world... sex (and have sex while you both "talk", haha).

However, don't be bothered for his age, he's not a 60 guy that likes shout and yelling at your face. He still being cool.

And don't let that he intrudes into your personal life, that not cool, at all.

 

[GreatZeus]

Of course, it is possible to be good friends with someone who is much older. And an older friend who is avant garde can be quite nice. Still, a 40-something person is not 20 years old; and when a 40-something tries to be a 20-something, then there is a problem. It sound like the older guy does not know how to be your friend at and the same time keep in mind the fact that he is not of the same generation as you are. There is a way of doing this that is not about having authority or being your father figure, but that is about his knowing when somethings might not be for him to do. The idea is to blend his extra years of experience into the friendship--and not to pretend as if the extra 20 years amounted to nothing. It is the wonderfuling blending that would make him cool -- not his acting as if he is only 20. You could then enjoy his company and at the same time be engaged by the richness of his experiences. He sounds like an immature person and that makes an object of pity rather than a good candidate for a friend who is older.

 

[crowboy]

I was very intrigued by this thread and I hope a few people respond as I am interested in some perspective on this.

I am 36 and have only "come out" recently.
I have spent the last 20 years denying who I am and living a stunted life. I feel I am emotionally, socially and sexually immature. In these areas I feel 20 years younger. I wonder if that is why I am attracted to younger guys.

I have recently found myself in the situation where I have feelings for a younger guy. I will not say I love this young man. When I do say that to someone it will be after getting to know them very well and it is not something I would say after a short while. It is easy to love someone, it is not easy to be in love with someone. To me they are different and to be in love requires a deep knowledge of the individual and an acceptance of all aspects that make up that individual.

For my situation what I will say is that only having "known" him for a short while, I have grown very quickly to like him a great deal and I want to continue a friendship on a deeper level. Where that leads to I can not say. This situation has other complexities not just age.

I have no issue with him being younger. For me about 20 years is a limit I think. He falls well within so it is OK. I can not speak for him but we have discussed the age gap.

If both parties don't have a problem with it then there is no problem, but if one does have a problem with it then yes it is an issue. I think it depends on the individuals involved. Some younger guys like older guys and want that type of relationship and visa versa.

As an older guy I admit I like the attention of a younger sexy handsome guy. But is it just physical attraction? No. I am attracted to him for so many reasons and the physical attraction is only one aspect. It would be easier to dismiss if it was just physical. The fact that for me there is more, makes it harder. But it also makes it necessary for me to be honest about how I feel and not just dismiss it as simple lust.

Anyway I have rambled on here.

I am eager to read other perspective on this issue.

 

[FlaMan]

I am 51 and have friends ranging in age from 15 all the way to 90...Of course it is a non_ sexual friendship...We talk to each other about different ideas and challenges..The older ones mentor us younger guys while the younger guy sometimes change our ways of thinking and open doors we thught we closed years ago..Not all are gay and not all are straight...We dont feel that sexuality is important to friendship because you dont mix friendship and sex..Thats why none of us have sex with each other..Its all about the friendship..So make friends with oolder and younger guys and girls if you wish...Learn and teach at the same time..But if someone you have only known for a week calls you an asshole and does all the things you have stated is he really a friend? Or just a guy with issues? either way it coould be trouble for you later down the road...Time to take a different path in the friendship...Not because of his age its because of his actions!

 

[GreatZeus]

I find it difficult to understand older or younger people since we're at such different stages in life :

Like many things in life, cross-generation friendships are not for everyone. And when there is a cross-generation friendship, it is seems unlikely to involve a complete exchange across all levels, because there are way too many differences between the two in terms of life-experiences. Besides, friendship is rarely an all-or-nothing matter even when it is between members of the same generation. This is why Crowboy's older friend surely has a problem. The older guy should be content to do somethings with Crowboy and equally content to let Crowboy do things on his own. Hey, even lovers do that.

 

[crowboy]

Like many things in life, cross-generation friendships are not for everyone. And when there is a cross-generation friendship, it is seems unlikely to involve a complete exchange across all levels, because there are way too many differences between the two in terms of life-experiences. Besides, friendship is rarely an all-or-nothing matter even when it is between members of the same generation. This is why Crowboy's older friend surely has a problem. The older guy should be content to do somethings with Crowboy and equally content to let Crowboy do things on his own. Hey, even lovers do that.

I think you have confused me with the OP.

I have a younger friend not older. I feel younger not older.

???

 

[Lpool101]

I think so. I'm 19 and one of my best gay mates is 38

 

[GreatZeus]

I think you have confused me with the OP.

I have a younger friend not older. I feel younger not older.

???

My apologies Crowboy. In that last post, I did confuse you with CudDULL. Your situation is the reverse of CudDULL's. But the general point holds. There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone younger. When it works, it is truly wonderful. But there are good reasons why it often does not work.

The issue is not about your feeling younger, but about the important differences that there are in life-experiences. It is awesome that you feel young. But then 36 is not exactly retirement age.

 

[braex27]

Can people be friends with each other even if there is a huge age gap between them? More specifically can gay guys have a successful friendship even if there is a huge age gap in between?

I'm just saying, growing up gay in this generation wasn't the same as previous generation so that really does affect a person's character the way they were raised upon views on homosexuality and sexuality etc during their time.

I recently met someone who is probably old enough to be my father. He acts and talks like he is in his 20s which makes him seem so out of character. Who am I to judge though right? He is nice, sweet, and shy at times but he seems to try and be one of my friends and also has odd behavior. I feel guilty right now for criticizing him like this.

Anyway one night he got upset because I went to a bar with my friends and didn't invite him and ignored him all night (I dont get service in the bar). I've only known him for a week and I wasn't going to introduce him to my friends considering our age difference. He called me an asshole and when I texted him the next day he told me his friends came over and took his phone while he was passed out because they partied. I didn't believe him but I let it go since he said it wouldn't happen again.

Then tonight he tells me he loves. I don't know if he means this in a friendly way or if its more than that. I've known him for a week and he has confessed his attraction for me prior to this. I just don't know how to react to this.

In the week that I've known him already I think hes come on way too strong and has tried to be way too forward. He looks desperate in my eyes. I don't know what hes desperate about. I don't think its sex and I'm sure he really just wants a good friend but the way he behaves is not someone I want as a friend. The big issue for me is the age difference and I guess that's not fair but I just don't see myself connecting with someone his age.

Is it possible to be good friends with someone 30-40 years older/younger than you?

Yes, I definitely think it is possible to be good friends with someone notwithstanding a big age difference. I am proof of that. No sexual and/or romantic feelings whatsoever, just a very good solid friendship.

Your situation, CudDULL, seems to be that you want to be friends whilst your friend seems to want something more. I don't think that can work until you both make your feelings clear, otherwise, one or both of you will lose out.

All the best.

 

[Swellegant]

I have, and have always had, friends who are a good deal older than me. One of my best friends is two months younger than my mother. On the other hand, I have no friends who are substantially younger than me... ten years is about the limit in that direction for me, and there are only two people in my life that much younger.

I think the reason I've always been attracted to older friends is that I had a very dissatisfying relationship with my parents, and I have always sought out mentors and models, substitute parents as it were, and spending time with them is richly rewarding. But I don't yet feel ready to stand as a mentor and model to a young person yet, so I tend to avoid such relationships.

But in general, I think it's massively unwise to dismiss friendship from any quarter... surrounding yourself solely with people of your own age and gender and sexuality (and race and socioeconomic status and looks-level) will limit your experience of the world. So long as you enjoy a person's company, you can build a friendship.

Of course, friendship does get difficult if there is an attraction on one side. But it's only difficult, not impossible. So long as both parties can act like mature adults, such inequalities of affection can be overcome.

Open-mindedness, open-heartedness, and open communication are the keys to any friendship, and they'll overcome any differences of age, gender, sexuality, race, etc. And it's very much worthwhile to overcome them.

 

[CudDULL]

Thanks for the post guys. I gives me a different outlook on things, especially from crowboy's post.

I am 36 and have only "come out" recently.
I have spent the last 20 years denying who I am and living a stunted life. I feel I am emotionally, socially and sexually immature. In these areas I feel 20 years younger. I wonder if that is why I am attracted to younger guys.

This is why I brought up the whole sexuality and homosexuality aspect of it. I know most older guys probably didn't experience the same things I've been experiencing at a young age. This is not towards crowboy, but I sometimes feel like older guys try to relive their youth through younger friends.

I think this might be the case for my friend. I asked him why he told me he loved me and he said he loved me as a friend and that he enjoys time with me. I just don't get his train of thought which bugs me and I guess it shouldn't since I'm trying to read him too deeply. But we've hung out three times and while I appreciate his generosity he seems to be delusional of our relationship.

I don't mind having friends of whatever age, he isn't the only older guy that I've talked to or am friends with but with him he makes it so hard to just understand his intentions.

 

[bokan800]

I tend to click to people who are older than me (both male and female). I think it's because they know what they want and they're not shy about it.

My main problem with my peers is that they tend to be very undecisive and they can't seem to commit to their promises.

 

[hotb0d]

if they are just friends then age doesn't really matter. I'd rather talk to someone older than me because they have more experiences and more stories to tell. A friend of mine...he's 19 years older than me and every time we hang out, I feel like I'm the old and prude person of the two.

 

[jackoroe]

When I was in my mid twenties, I knew two gentlemen who were in their late 60's and had been together longer than I had been alive.

I found them to be wonderful people with a vast wealth of knowledge about what gay life was like back in the day.

Of course you can have older friends!

 

[ibill1]

While it may be possible, I think it's unhealthy. Younger guys who seek out those types of relationships (/friendships) are IMO suffering from some sort of dysfunction (as are their older counterparts).

Of course they can. The above statement is, well, ridiculous. I have friends 20 and 25 yrs. younger than me and a few 20 yrs. older. We enjoy each others company and there is certainly nothing dysfuctional with any of us and certainly nothing unhealthy.

 

[Georgiadude]

I just spent the entire day with a friend of mine. We had a wonderful day together. We laughed and talked all day. I picked him up this morning. We went for lunch and then back to my place. We watched a couple of movies and played Wii. When the day was over I took him home. He happens to be 19 and I'm 43. Of course it's possible to have friends that are younger than you. I have another friend that is 22. Are these guys my only friends. No. I have friends that are my age or older. To me age is just a number. What matters is the type of person they are.

Your friend sounds like he is either mis reading your intentions or isn't able to understand that friends don't have to do EVERYTHING together. I understand that my younger friends are going to hang out more often with people their own ages and that I would not fit it with them. However when we get together we can still have a good time, no matter our age difference. Would I like to see them more often. Of course, but I'm not going to get mad and call them names when I'm not invited. I really think your friend has some maturity issues. He clearly isn't able to see that there are boundaries in this friendship. He thinks he should be "one of the boys" and be included in everything. It's terribly inappropriate.

You need to have a polite yet firm conversation with him. Be clear about where you are in the friendship. Let him know that your not comfortable including him with your group of friends but you will make time for him as well. If he isn't able to understand that or isn't willing to abide by your rules then you need to end the friendship. A true friend wouldn't put you in that position in the first place.

 

[Georgiadude]

While it may be possible, I think it's unhealthy. Younger guys who seek out those types of relationships (/friendships) are IMO suffering from some sort of dysfunction (as are their older counterparts).

I find this highly offensive. To say that people who get together and share their friendship are "suffering from some sort of dysfunction" simply because of an age difference is insulting and frankly down right mean.

When I get together with my younger or older friends we laugh, tell stories, watch a movie, go to dinner. etc. The simple things friends do together. There isn't anything "unhealthy or dysfunctional" about that at all. When the time comes to say good bye. We give each other a hug or a hand shake and go our separate ways. what is wrong with that?

 

[youngnihilist]

I guess it's fine and whatever. We see may/december sex all the time so platonic friendship should be included. Having said that I'm surprised nobody has brought up the creepiness of your older friend. He's acting weird, desperate, and needy. It wouldn't matter if he's 19 or 43. It's just stranger coming from someone so much older but even if he was 19 he sounds like trouble.

Coming from a different perspective I will say that I can get along and talk with people older and much older in professional and networking settings but I don't have much desire to do recreational activities with them in my free time i.e. go to bars, see a movie, go to the beach. Just get along better with people own age. Most Americans will agree, and most older men and women would agree.

 

[CudDULL]

Ok today I chatted with him a little bit but I think I've figured out why he behaves odd. I think its because he is trying to impress me? So idk I haven't talked to him for the majority of the day considering he hasn't been bugging me nonstop like usual.