Crossing the line

[hanshansen]

Ironically, a couple of days ago I got a PM from someone asking why I hadn't posted on here for months and I said I didn't really feel the need to any more. That sequence of PM exchanges got me thinking and on the way back from a very long day at the office I decided that I do have an issue that I don't really know how to deal with.

For background, I'm 30, due to sexual anxiety and social interaction issues a large part of my 20s went down a black hole (lots of stuff on that in the archives). I really only came to things like dating and sex and socialising in general in the last year or two. Well, you've got to start somewhere.

For the last half year or so I've had a profile on a local dating site and met quite a few guys through that. In one of those cases sex was involved (I'll get back to that). In all the other successful cases (where there's been sustained mutual interest), there's been mental chemistry and good times and keenness on both sides to hang out. I feel lucky to have met those guys. But it's been totally platonic: I realised early on that I couldn't really picture myself in a relationship or in bed with them, I signalled that to them as soon as I realised so as not to lead them on, and so it's never gone down that route, it's turned into a friendship.

As good as that is, obviously it's a second-best outcome. Ultimately the reason I'm on a dating site is that I do want to find someone who I can spend nights with and do quiet stuff with at home and be intimate with. At the least I want to gather the experiences that I need to help me find that person later on. It's not like I'm this totally asexual or non-romantic person.

But based on my experiences so far, how would that come about?

The thing is that these guys were not obviously my 'type' - but still interesting - and in that situation it can take months before you get a sense of whether you would feel physically comfortable with someone or whether you'd feel comfortable sharing your life with them. But you can't let them wait while you figure that out.

As I said, shortly after I first put up my profile I did meet someone where there was a lot of mutual sexual chemistry, I did pursue it, but even there it took me quite a while - several nights - to get used to an unfamiliar body and by the time I really got into things it was too late - this was a casual thing with someone who burns bright and fast. And someone who's not particularly honest, so NOT someone I've kept in touch with.

That's not happened since.

I guess there's a few ways in which you could look at this situation: a) the high hurdles I put up before I'll feel comfortable sleeping with, let alone 'seeing' someone, b) the fact that dating sites don't give you the luxury of time, and c) the fact that once it’s been decided (ex- or implicitly) that I’m ‘just friends’ with someone, I’m very reluctant to revisit that decision.

Thoughts? Questions?

 

[Seasoned]

You just keep doing what you are doing. We are all different and there is nothing wrong with going at your own pace and within your own boundary issues. Welcome back.

 

[giorgiobaby]

Just stick with what you are doing, you sound like you know what you're doing. When the right one comes along, you'll know. You can't make it happen because you want it to. Sounds like you're making good friends at least. Good luck

 

[Eagle653]

Your a's, b's and c's in your last paragraph are reasonable, although not everyone subscribes to them. Nevertheless, it's what is comfortable for you and that's all that matters.

It does seem, though, that your outlet to the dating pool seems to be through dating websites. That might be a little limiting because many (most?) of the other subscribers may not be in synch with the values and prorities you hold.

Have you considered networking more with friends and friends-of-friends? Exploring the dinner-party circuit, small groups, social clubs, and the like? Sometimes really quality people are found in those settings and a lot of pressure is taken off when your first interaction with someone is not a "date," per se.

Good luck to you--and I'm glad to see you back on here again!

 

[spencer]

As good as that is, obviously it's a second-best outcome. Ultimately the reason I'm on a dating site is that I do want to find someone who I can spend nights with and do quiet stuff with at home and be intimate with. At the least I want to gather the experiences that I need to help me find that person later on.

This is called dating, you're not making anyone "wait" for anything, you're getting to know them.

c) the fact that once it’s been decided (ex- or implicitly) that I’m ‘just friends’ with someone, I’m very reluctant to revisit that decision.

There's nothing wrong with finding interest in a friend. As you become stronger friends with someone you may find that you might like them. Ask them out, no harm in trying, I say.

Just keep on doing what you're doing. I'd spend time with someone to get to know them better. I do that anyway. How do you think I fell for my straight friend good luck man

 

[rareboy]

Have you considered networking more with friends and friends-of-friends? Exploring the dinner-party circuit, small groups, social clubs, and the like? Sometimes really quality people are found in those settings and a lot of pressure is taken off when your first interaction with someone is not a "date," per se.

Yeah. You've got to get out more.

 

[hanshansen]

Yeah. You've got to get out more.

I've got a very full social life. The problem with gay guys (and that's what I'm talking about here - it would be simpler if I was pursuing single girls) is that in standard 'non-gay' settings often neither of you realise that the other is that way inclined and available (like I've had a couple of situations where I've met someone at a party and chatted and thought nothing of it and then I saw them on said dating site - in those cases nothing came out of it BTW - we didn't click). You can also do things with groups of a whole lot of gay guys (like I'll be going to a dinner hosted by a very gay friend on Sun which will probably be like that) but those groups often have a dynamic and culture that I'm not that fond of, TBH.

Plus the pool is tiny right.

So the dating site thing is a way of getting round those issues. But I'm not ruling anything out through any other channels.

Hell, the first sexual experience I went through occurred as a result of a wine tasting night, lol (see archives).

Maybe I should try things like gay skiing weeks at some point - if I hate the experience at least it will be temporary.

 

[hanshansen]

This is called dating, you're not making anyone "wait" for anything, you're getting to know them.

I know this is a naive question but - if I 'date' someone (I would call this meeting over drinks ) and things don't go that way straight away - there's no problem with me indicating LATER that I'm interested, if that's where my feelings go, and that person is available again, is there?

If there isn't, then that takes a lot of the pressure off.

 

[hanshansen]

One more thing - one advantage of my dating site activities I think is that gradually I'll grow a network that will make meeting someone more likely - i.e. you become friends with friends of the people you meet there, you match dating site profiles to facebook profiles and can see how different people relate to your existing network etc. It no longer becomes a choice between dating randoms and hoping you'll run into someone in your existing circles of friends (or socialising in gay groups).

 

[spencer]

I know this is a naive question but - if I 'date' someone (I would call this meeting over drinks ) and things don't go that way straight away - there's no problem with me indicating LATER that I'm interested, if that's where my feelings go, and that person is available again, is there?

If there isn't, then that takes a lot of the pressure off.

The rule is, there are no rules.

But yeah, you're not held to the decision made on the first date or any date for that matter. It's completely your decision. If you offend someone however they will obviously not give you the time of day.


Who are all these people you meet that want to date you who you don't want to proceed with that you then again want to proceed with anyway. Are you free next Saturday night?

 

[hanshansen]

Who are all these people you meet that want to date you who you don't want to proceed with that you then again want to proceed with anyway. Are you free next Saturday night?

Haha, it wasn't meant to sound that stupid. I'm in a situation where I meet someone and I like them and I want to get to know them better but I don't want to get sexually or romantically involved with them at that point. So I continue to hang out with them but on a friends basis.

Host of reasons why I don't want to get sexually or romantically involved at that point. I kind of think it's too soon for me anyway, they might have baggage, I might not feel much physical attraction, there might be a lifestyle or life plan clash.

All of those things can change. In particular the physical attraction, funnily enough. I can feel very diferently about someone if I know them and feel comfortable with them and if some of those other things are in place.

 

[rareboy]

^ I said previously that I think you are overthinking everything. You still seem to be doing this. Stop.

Just go with an instinct. Loosen up.

Live more in the moment.

 

[spencer]

Haha, it wasn't meant to sound that stupid. I'm in a situation where I meet someone and I like them and I want to get to know them better but I don't want to get sexually or romantically involved with them at that point. So I continue to hang out with them but on a friends basis.

Host of reasons why I don't want to get sexually or romantically involved at that point. I kind of think it's too soon for me anyway, they might have baggage, I might not feel much physical attraction, there might be a lifestyle or life plan clash.

All of those things can change. In particular the physical attraction, funnily enough. I can feel very diferently about someone if I know them and feel comfortable with them and if some of those other things are in place.

Like I said, there are no rules. Rareboy is right.

I have some gay friends and if I wanted to make a pass at them, nothing says I can't at any time.

You're not shortchanging anyone by giving yourself time to decide whether you like them or not, date or not.

finally, you do realize this is how a lot of heteros date, just because we're gay doesn't mean we gotta instantly hook up. Date a lot of people, make no promises, be clear about it, and go with the one you like the most and have similar interests with on your time.

"I would like to continue to hang out but I don't want to lead you on. Who know's what might happen in the future." (copy and paste this into your brain and repeat it to your date at the end of every date) There, done

 

[hanshansen]

Sorry, I needed to get all that out of my system so that I could get a few hours' sleep (which I did). I don't expect responses. I guess a lot of things just happened at once on that Saturday night and there was overload.

 

[rareboy]

Oh for heaven's sakes, get professional help and get it quick.

Stop getting drunk. Obviously you're one of those morose, depressive drunks whose mental health can't take the strain.

Stop getting so caught up in other peoples' business and lives. For someone with boundary issues, you seem way too wrapped up in the shit they're going through.

You're right. You're neurotic.

See my earlier post to this thread.

 

[spencer]

I get to talking to one of my gay couple friends, he talks to me about my love life (or lack of it). We discuss some of the issues I've covered in this thread. He asks me pretty personal questions (what have I done in bed, basically). He asks me if I find him attractive, if I find his boyfriend attractive.

sounds like you were being hit on.

It's time to hang out with some friends that aren't so toxic. You can hang out with me all you like. I won't make you answer the question of liking me that instant. In fact, you don't have to like me at all. And at any time you decide, you can later like me.

What's up with all these rules?