crush on childhood straight best friend

[adammataaa]

Hello everyone,

its my first day using the thread, so bare with me please. LOL. So basically, i'm gay and i have this huge crush for my straight best friend which i see everyday. i've known him since we were 12 or 13 years old. in other words he's my closest best friend. Another thing is that he has no idea that I'm gay or even that i like him. because he is so Anti-gay.
This crush becomes bigger and bigger everyday to the extent that i can't control it. i became so obsessed about him that i always check his account on facebook and instagram just to look at his photos and fantasize about him.

PS. I'm still not out, as being gay. because of country and religion beliefs.

Any kind of advice would be great.

thank you

 

[Eagle653]

Hello, and welcome. I'm moving your thread to the Coming Out and Relationships forum because you should get responses there.

 

[sixthson]

Hi Adam, welcome to JUB. If he is so anti-gay, what do you think he will do when he finds out you are gay?

 

[TX-Beau]

If your society is so anti-gay, what do you expect to happen if he doesn't freak out on you?

You ARE NOT in love with him, you are starved of affection and have latched onto him because he's the closest thing you have. There it is, sooooooooo many of us do this while in the closet. What you are feeling is incredibly common. But think (don't worry we know you won't) clearly, what possible outcome can you reasonably expect?

Now on to the bigger problem, if you live in a country that is going to legally punish you for being gay - don't come out, get to a Country that won't (may I recommend Norway), or your life will never be a happy one.

 

[adammataaa]

it's not that my country would legally punish me, it's also that im scared of coming out. no one in the world knows I'm gay, and i always pretend that im anti-gay, yet i'm not. What I'm saying is that i have many many friends and still I'm obsessed about him in particularly. its really complicated.

 

[TX-Beau]

it's not that my country would legally punish me, it's also that im scared of coming out. no one in the world knows I'm gay, and i always pretend that im anti-gay, yet i'm not. What I'm saying is that i have many many friends and still I'm obsessed about him in particularly. its really complicated.

Actually it's not complicated at all. All of us when in the closet told ourselves it was an insurmountable hurdle that couldn't be overcome, but that's just the lie protecting itself. All of the things you think of as complication are just the symptoms of the lie you are living. A whole lot of us pretended to be homophobes for cover, I did, I dated women, all the while telling my self how complicated my situation was. Everything that's complicated comes from the simple decision to hide who you are.

I ended up at the bottom of a whiskey bottle having lost all my friends anyway. Because it was complicated. Don't be that guy, it's not fun.

No one can make you come out, no one should even try, but I can tell you this, that weight on your shoulders will keep getting heavier until you decide just to put it down. It's as simple as that, one day, I was so tired of complicated, I just walked away from it.

I want to reiterate, you are NOT in love with this guy, what you are feeling is the frustration of not being able to express your natural emotions in a healthy way, with a guy who will want them, which also probably scares the fuck out of you,and you know it's perfectly safe to crush on this guy who will never put you in the crisis of confronting your sexual self. Almost every one of us has been there.

So, pay attention to this, stop bothering with dead end infatuations. You are putting a lot of emotional energy into this when you know it will never go anywhere - and like I said, a lot of tines we use that fact to hide from ourselves. Take that energy and start pushing yourself in a positive direction, say towards finding friends that aren't homophobes.

But most important of all, stop lying, you don't have to come out, but it will help you and your complication if you stop pretending to hate.

You've already done one positive thing, you came in here, where you will find a a whole lot of men who get you. That's so important, and comes with the assurance that you are not in fact alone.

 

[Seasoned]

What’s complicated for you is your frustration expressing yourself, being sexual with another person and finding love, while feeling unsafe and/or frightened. Many gay people have gone through this prior to coming out, which I am not suggesting because I don’t know you or your situation.

When in a position like yours, the mind begins to fantasize about the easiest solution, namely, someone you already are close to secretly feels the same about you.

However you decide to proceed, look for internet gay support in your country or community. Stop making homophobic comments or harassing gay people or making fun of them. Don’t allow your fantasy about your friend to grow. It takes up too much time and it stops you from figuring out how you’re going to live your life. Other gay people in your country are functioning. It would be good to find a way to connect.

Best wishes to you

 

[KaraBulut]

...This crush becomes bigger and bigger everyday to the extent that i can't control it. i became so obsessed about him that i always check his account on facebook and instagram just to look at his photos and fantasize about him.

PS. I'm still not out, as being gay. because of country and religion beliefs.

It's time for you to start living your life. It's time to start meeting other gay guys, make friends who will accept you as you are and it's time to begin a future where you can be yourself.

You will find that as you have a safe space to be yourself and live life the way you want to live it, this obsession with your straight friend will fall into perspective. It's a lot easier to obsess about what you can't have when you're not getting what you want elsewhere.

There's no way to predict how your friend will respond once everything is out in the open. If he's a real friend, he has a decision to make about whether a long time friendship is more important than his homophobia. That confrontation is coming in the future but for now, it's time to focus on your own life and your own happiness.

 

[adammataaa]

thank you all for the support, i really appreciate it. However, i am still not ready to come out. and i think that i will never be able to do it. since i truly believe that it will change my life to the worse, even if i decided to leave the country. it's not this easy to me, especially, when i lived al my life pretending to be straight. it's really complicated.

 

[sixthson]

Adam, lots of gay guys pretended to be straight and even more probably thought they could never come out. If your main fear is losing friends or family by coming out, I cannot tell you that you won't. Odds are you probably will. Many of us have. Are you ashamed of being gay?
If you never come out, you must know the odds are slim you will ever have a relationship because most guys don't want to live in hiding. Even if you find another guy like yourself, can you imagine living the rest of your life in secret? Until you are able to come to terms with your life, you might want to forget about anything more than crushes on other guys.
I know you are hurting and afraid. Would you mind telling us more about your story such as your family life, your friends, religion, etc? It would be helpful for us to know where you are coming from in life.

 

[TX-Beau]

thank you all for the support, i really appreciate it. However, i am still not ready to come out. and i think that i will never be able to do it. since i truly believe that it will change my life to the worse, even if i decided to leave the country. it's not this easy to me, especially, when i lived al my life pretending to be straight. it's really complicated.

You'll know you're ready to come out, when you start doing it. In the mean time you can either fight the closet, or give in to it. It seems so incredibly impossible from the inside I know - your entire world seems hanging in the balance, and your friends and family, but more important your own sense of who you are. Someone once told me it's a death, coming to terms with ourselves, the death of all those things we were taught we should be, and the reason we on the outside don't push is because so many of us know how terribly hard it is to find your courage, how terrifying it is to contemplate people knowing, because that means letting go of comfortable conformity - it means being all the hateful things we've been told about gay men all our lives.

There is nothing wrong with you, the haters implanted these slurs in your head before you were old enough to understand, you should be angry, you didn't do anything to deserve the cage in which they put you. The closet was for all of us such a dark and lonely place, we want for you nothing but the sunshine and the chance to find the same kind of happiness with which starlight people don't even realize they've entitled themselves.

But here's the catch, you'll never have that from the other side of the closet door. You don't have to come out, but you'll be much happier if you do. Even if you lose friends, even if you lose family, and it won't be easy, and it won't be painless.

But there's light at the end of that journey, in the closet, there's only the dark.

Just think about these things, I know your mind will probably shy away from contemplating this for awhile, just every now and then, try and give it some thought.

 

[gayvga]

Forget him. Forget him quickly! See him only like a friend.
You wrote all: he is anti-gay. There is no future.
Don´t look for problems unnecessarily.

 

[checkinthingsout]

it's not this easy to me, especially, when i lived al my life pretending to be straight. it's really complicated.

Adam-

We ALL lived our lives pretending to be straight until we came out. We ALL thought we were "in love" with a friend who was straight.

Listen to what these gentlemen are saying to you. I was in your same place in 2013. Now I'm out, and I have a boyfriend who loves me. What is more, I am STILL friends with the guy I thought I "loved", and I am even going to be in in his wedding, with my boyfriend as my date!

I can honestly say that life is SIGNIFICANTLY MORE FULFILLING out of the closet.
Listen to TX-Beau. Listen to KaraBulut. Listen to Seasoned.

Face your sexuality head on. Start by saying it in the mirror to yourself.