Curiosity Killed This Cat. . .

[crzyrazn]

So. . .this is really a case where ignorance is bliss.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. A couple of months after we had begun dating, he tells me he feels very deeply for me. Now me, I'm cautious about my feelings, and who I waste them on. I tell him this, so that he understood exactly what he was saying and how much it would hurt to have him say that, and me fall for him only to be hurt later. I really like him, and began opening up to him.

Fast forward a month and a half later. He tells me he loves me (he says it first). By this time I'm feeling very deeply for him. And by this time we've had a few ups and downs with trust issues cause he tells me these things and I want to believe him and almost did. .but. .

Today, while I was waiting on him to get off at work, I. .went through his phone and found emails where he was sending pics to other guys.

I don't even know how to feel. In these few short months I began to care so much for him. And I made him promise he would never cheat, that of he wanted to call it quits, tell me first. Better that way. I'm rational and can handle a breakup. But, unbelievably, he says he wants only to be with me. I'm confused!!!

Not wanting to fuck this up, I've kept my mouth shut. Do I tell him and possibly ruin this, or just go on which seems beneath my dignity. But, damn, you guys, I fell pretty hard for him. .idk. What do you think I should do?

 

[cluelessdate]

My boyfriend thought it was okay to send naked pictures to/sext/cam sex with other and it's not cheating. For him, cheating involves physical actions, and the internet is not something "physical". He only brought it up after a friend who he used to cam sex with asked him the question, "is your boyfriend OK with this? Because this would be cheating." Yeah, it sounds stupid but that's what he truly believed. Luckily he was smart enough to bring it up with me before he went too far (I later discovered that he exchanged nude pics with other people after starting dating me, and I was of course pissed).

I had to struggle to bring it up to him, as for him that kind of things wasn't too serious. After all, he thought it was okay. In your case, I'm gonna give you boyfriend benefits of the doubt, and that he didn't mean to have anything physical with those guys. You can bring it up something like, "my friend is asking me if his boyfriend's sex cam with other strangers on the internet is cheating or not, as it doesn't involve physical", and you can move further to, "what do you think of naked pics then?". You should ask him if you two both agree on a monogamous relationship, because he might be as well believing that you guys are in an open relationship. I made it clear to my boyfriend that monogamy means that you don't do things that make your partner uncomfortable/lose trust in you. He eventually promised to never do such things again, which was a good answer for me.

And trust me. Ignorance is never a bliss. You're only fooling yourself instead of solving the actual problems through communication.

 

[crzyrazn]

Thank you, cluelessdate. I took your advice, and told him what I had found. We're both pretty upset. .

Yes, he understood it was - is - a monogamous relationship. I made him promise me only one thing when he asked me to be with him: to never lie to me, always be honest, and if he ever had a change of feelings, to not be afraid to tell me. The truth, even if it hurt. He admitted to me about having sex with a guy after we had first met. .completely unrelated to the guys he was sending the nude pics to (he admits no sex happened), which the emails were dated only a couple of weeks ago.

He went on to tell me he was sorry, and that he doesn't understand fully why he was seeking out men for sex. He confessed everything, as far as I know. .

I told him in the beginning, to not say something you don't mean. And that I would just put it down and never contact him again if I found out.

Found it out, and I can't seem to just walk away that easily. Not the tough guy I thought I was. .he seems genuinely contrite and promised to be committed to me, but now I don't know. .

Like I said, we've had our ups and downs about trust issues I have. And I was almost convinced. .I do know I care for him, but now. . .

You're right, ignorance isn't bliss. It only makes you a fool.

I can't decide wether to get past this or let it go. .

He awaits my answer in the morning.

 

[Georgiadude]

This isn't a decision you should rush into over night. You need to think about this with a clear head and right now your vision is cloudy. You're going to make a decision based solely on emotion . As you stated there are trust issues already but you didn't go into them. Which is fine but it's hard to give solid advice without knowing the full picture. Theres a reason you felt you had to go through his emails Is there a chance of couples counseling? Is this something you can get passed? Possibly. What you have to decide is whether or not you want to invest any more emotion with him and I think You need a little more time to process this.

Steven

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships are voluntary and I don't think it's possible to change one's behavior when it comes to sex easily or quickly. Every gay relationship has to navigate what is and is not acceptable based upon a straight model. In a hook up culture how does one go from a buffet to a single item offering? It's a learning curve as a person realizes for himself that the trade off of going from a constant quest and variety to a bonding intimacy is worth the trade off. In fact, some people seem to require both and that's why some opt for open relationships.

There may or may not be harm in continuing online flirting. That's what you two need to discuss and agree upon. If the "rule" isn't truly voluntary it won't be kept.

And now what about the privacy "rule" in a relationship? Are you willing to keep it?

The two of you need to decide what you are willing and able to do regarding both sexuality and privacy and neither ought to commit to behaviors impossible to maintain. It seems to me that if it is possible to flirt without hooking up and without taking time and intimacy away from your relationship no harm will be done. I can't say the same about violating each other's privacy.

Talk, discuss and come back to these topics often until trust and understanding lead to peace of mind. And don't every let peace of mind lead to laziness os complacency. The best relationships are those that are worked on and renewed on a daily basis. After all, all we really have in life is today.

 

[treeri]

If he expressed his feelings for you then why would he jeopardize the relationship by seeking out other men? Trust, honesty, and commitment were broken and that's more red flags than necessary to make a decision. I see dating as the foundation to build a relationship, but after you guys got into that phase he hooked up with another guy? Dating, in my opinion, is a step out of NSA hookups towards commitment... what the hell is wrong with men?! lol You mentioned to him how you feel and from what I gather you wanted to take it slow, which isn't a bad thing. Yet he's on a different path than you are; just because you took 1 step for every 3 steps he took in the relationship doesn't give him an excuse for his decisions.

A 4 month relationship is barely starting towards something stable; it's still the honeymoon phase...but he's cruising for guys now?

As others have mentioned. Sit down and discuss. Come to a conclusion if you're comfortable to purse the relationship further

 

[racer2438]

#1. I'm cautious about my feelings, and who I waste them on.

wow really. there so much wrong in this statement cuz if you care about someone there are NOT wasted!

#2. Today, while I was waiting on him to get off at work, I. .went through his phone and found emails where he was sending pics to other guys.

Nothing worse than a liar, a cheat, and a SNOOP. This leads me to believe 1 or both have insecurity issues..


#3. He is wrong for telling his feeling and not backing them up to. So shame on him.

clearly you need to think this out b4 you speak, and maybe a good sit down talk about where ur relationship is going. Just bring up his phone in innuendo type (supposed this and suppose that) (what if this and what if that) and see where the talk goes to. Throw out some Because I really care about you "I would never do something like this or that"

If he comes outwith lies then you have more to think about.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Guys are very insecure creatures. Your holding back saying "I love you" and referring to feelings being a waste might have compounded his insecurities. A lot of guys are also very scared to put all their eggs in one basket and fully commit. His on line flirting could be nothing more than his backup assurance that he's desirable and wanted, and that he would not be alone if you were to dump him leaving him devastated.

I wouldn't be happy about him sending out his nude pictures, but I wouldn't expect him to never LOOK at another guy. IMO some looking and mild flirting with no touching is normal and somewhat healthy. It reminds both of you why you're with the one you CHOSE to be with. Yes... that guy might be a God and great in bed, but he's an empty fantasy... He picked YOU to trust and spend his life with.