Curious, but need advice!

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I'm afraid there will be no easy answers for you. You are turned on by the thought of men, but only when horny. When not horny you are repulsed by your fantasies. It seems to me you are going to have to sort out your needs and wants and learn not only to accept them, but also to celebrate them. This is not about your girlfriend. This is about you. You may need some professional therapy to help you. Good luck and best wishes to you.

I behaved similarly to you and then married my girlfriend and had two children. After 14 years I thought I was losing my mind. That's when I came out. It's been almost 30 years and I am happy and fulfilled.

 

[Rolyo85]

This is what we call internalized homophobia. You have grown in an environment which has conditioned your subconscious mind to be appalled by the thought that you might be homosexual. It doesn't have to be this way, and you can change the feeling of revulsion to one of exultation. Many gay guys have been where you are and many - though sadly not all - have worked through those issues and come to accept and love themselves.

I am sorry if this is painful to hear but the ability to have sex with the opposite gender means little compared to what pushes the buttons in your head. And there's little doubt in my mind - based on what you described - that you're gay.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this, I might be able to give you some advice on how to deal with those issues. It's always better if one can work them out on his own.

 

[jensu846]

I think alot of guys feel that way when you are realizing that you might be gay. I know I did. I would jack off to gay porn and think about guys all the time, then would instantly be upset when I came and try to look at girls in that same manner. It just never worked. I could try to convince myself all day long, but, in the end, I was really fooling only me.
I think as you get older, your desires for men are only going to increase and you will have to face it. Hopefully in healthy way. Good luck bro.

 

[Rolyo85]

Like I said, pm me and we can go into that.

 

[Ganoderma]

I was wondering if you talk with your girlfriend about your feelings for guys.

 

[Rolyo85]

No, there's no point. Unless you get to the point where you've figured out and it turns out it's not her.

 

[loveguys72]

I'd advise professional counselling to help you work through your sexual identity issues. It's not unusual to be attracted to both men and women (i.e., bisexuality), and we often have erotic fantasies that we have no intention of acting out. However, your statement that you feel repulsed or bad after masturbation to gay porn suggests deep-seated emotional and psychological issues which are best addressed in a professional, controlled environment. Under no circumstances should you progress in your relationship with your girlfriend until you've sorted yourself out. It's not fair to her.

Good luck.

 

[newbored]

Don't listen when people say they have "little doubt you're gay". They don't know you and therefore have absolutely no idea. Don't let them fool you. They want to convince you you are homosexual, but, in the end, only you'll know. You could very well be bisexual. Also, in my opinion you should ignore this "internalized homophobia" bullshit. Some people around here always try to dispel people's doubts about their sexual preferences/orientation with that stupid excuse.

If you do have sex with your girlfriend, most probably you are bisexual indeed. But like I said, only you'll know. You should figure things out on you own. Don't let anyone confuse even more. For some people arriving at a conclusion about what is their true orientation takes decades, and, in many cases, it changes and flows. So, I'll suggest not to fret and take it easy. If you are truly happy with your girlfriend, there's no need to complicate the relationship you have.

Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

Since this is directly targeting me, I feel the need to express how much it doesn't matter to me what OP's sexuality is. That said, it's better for him if he has no doubts about his sexuality, whatever it is.

And terminology is a matter of personal choice. If you'd rather call yourself "bisexual" to avoid the gay stigma, more power to you. In my book if you need to be thinking of guys to get off and you watch exclusively gay porn, you're gay and sticking it to a girl won't change that. But whatever, it matters not one bit what you're gonna call it. It only matters what it is.

Also, internalized homophobia is a fact of life, and most people - including otherwise open minded straight ones - have it. It's not some evil "gay agenda" tool.

 

[newbored]

Since this is directly targeting me, I feel the need to express how much it doesn't matter to me what OP's sexuality is. That said, it's better for him if he has no doubts about his sexuality, whatever it is.

And terminology is a matter of personal choice. If you'd rather call yourself "bisexual" to avoid the gay stigma, more power to you. In my book if you need to be thinking of guys to get off and you watch exclusively gay porn, you're gay and sticking it to a girl won't change that. But whatever, it matters not one bit what you're gonna call it. It only matters what it is.

Also, internalized homophobia is a fact of life, and most people - including otherwise open minded straight ones - have it. It's not some evil "gay agenda" tool.

Who said ANYTHING about wanting to call themselves bisexual to avoid the "gay stigma"? And also, of course, we all know there's no "stigma" against bisexual people at all. Nowhere. Not even here. For example, there's no "stigma" against bisexual people here when people suggest those who call themselves that are just lying. Yeah.

And how do you know what does the OP think about to get off when he's having sex with his girlfriend? What if he's thinking about her? Just because he may think of men to get off when he masturbates it doesn't mean he thinks of men to get off every single time.

Some "support" you offer here.

Get over yourself.

People don't have "internalized homophobia". They have prejudices. And, oh, no, guess what? Everybody has them. Because they're human beings.

Having said that I'll only reply to the OP from now on. Thank you very much.

 

[Rolyo85]

Touchy...

Most guys I've met who have called themselves bi have ended up being completely gay. It's a fact and it isn't real bisexuals' fault but it's the reason for why they're viewed with suspicion. This is only in the gay community though. When one clings to heteronormativity, being bi seems a LOT more attractive an option than being gay. I know it from experience, as do most other people on here.

Internalized homophobia IS prejudices. Learn a bit more about it and how it functions before being outraged.

And lastly, the assumption that someone is calling OP gay and that's somehow mean and not helpful is a bright example of internalized homophobia - the underlying notion that being gay is a bad thing and if someone is telling you you're gay, they're doing something wrong.

Either way, I AM trying to help OP and he seems to have got it. That's all that matters.

 

[LemonMonk]

I was like this, only difference was I felt no love towards my female ex. I used to hate getting off thinking about men, hating myself for it. Since you want to be in this relationship, I do not see an easy way out and do not think asking strangers online is the way to go. I feel that trying to bring up a conversation [or seeing something themed] about homosexuality and bisexuality would be a good move, see what she thinks about it, maybe that can help you make your mind up in a more informed way.

 

[winterkill]

But I always think about being with a strong, very masculine man. Maybe it's because I like being dominated.

Take your choice:

A. One girlfriend + one strong, very masculine and dominating man

B. One girlfriend + several strong, very masculine and dominating men

C. One strong, very masculine and dominating man + several girlfriends

D. One strong, very masculine and dominating man

E. Several strong, very masculine and dominating men

F. Whatever


What kind of activity would you like to share with a female person?

What kind of activity would you like to share with a male person?

Are you interested in sadomasochism?

Or would you like to play a female role, perhaps integrating many aspects of femaleness?

There are so many gay bottoms with female role models that it is sometimes difficult to believe that homosexuality still exists. Transsexuality is put under taboo in Western societies, but the meaning of 'male' and 'female' is only clear at first sight.

Take it easy and feel free to explore all aspects of your sexuality in practice and in theory. Give homosexuality a change and let your trial period begin today. If you want to date gay-identified men please never write 'bisexual' in your profile, or 'transsexual', or 'straight'. What the peasant doesn't know, he doesn't eat. Practice safer sex without exception and have fun! The sooner you come to a conclusion the better for your girlfriend. Go for it!

 

[You Cant See Me]

Hmm kinda sounds like the same issue I've had for years but with out having the GF.

Like you stated you can only get off at gay porn and then after feel sick about it. For me, I don't really feel sick but I think " wtf did I do that". Although I know why I did it, it's still kind of hard to accept.

My advice to you, is don't fight it because it can cause alot of problems with yourself and it can go on for years.