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D-Day

M

mcdaddy

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Hey Guys,

I promised an update, so here it goes.

Today started pretty normal. I went to work, came home and mowed the grass, etc. I figured I'd tell my parents over dinner. Dinner comes and the conversation is dominated by other stuff. My dad was detailing his day at work and my mom was complaining about something a friend had told her. I kept trying to work up the courage, but I couldn't. After dinner, my mom was hanging out on the couch and my dad had to deal with some stuff related to a vacation to the beach we are going on soon. So I waited a bit because I wanted to tell them at the same time. Finally, I suggested we get some ice cream. My mom said that he had to pay for my college tuition first. So I waited some more while he did that.
Finally, we get some ice cream and my parents flipped on the tv. The season premire of Saving Grace was on.

Finally, on a commercial, I turned off the tv. I looked at them and told them "I have something I need to talk to you guys about." I took a deep breathe and said "I'm gay."

A long pause, my dad said "how long have you known this? when did you discover this?" I responded that I didn't know. This is something I guess I've known for a while. I kept hoping it would change, that my body would figure itself out, but it didn't. I hoped that kissing girls in college would change it. It didn't.

My dad then asked "have you kissed a guy?"
"Yes."
"How'd that go?"
"Well."

My mom then noted that I had picked (interesting choice of words...) a life that would be very hard. That people would discriminate against me because of that.
"I don't really know what to do about that. I guess I just kinda have to roll with that..."

My mom then mentioned that my chances of getting AIDS were a lot higher now. "I'll be careful, mom."

To which my dad noted that AIDS is not only for gay people anymore. Straight people having unprotected sex run into the same problem. Quote "It's fairly democratic these days."

My dad looked at me. He noted I was still visibly shaking.
"You don't seem very confident in your decision."
"It's not really that. It's just this is a very nerve wracking situation."
"Why are you nervous?"
"Because I'm waiting for you guys to say something to the effect of "ok"
"You need my permission?"
"I guess not. I suppose I'd just prefer to have you on board. I guess permission isn't really the right word for it, because I don't think it would change anything."


My mom then proceeded to tell me that coming out was very "tv" and that she was very disappointed.

My parents kinda left it with the idea that I'm still "experimenting," although each time they mentioned this, I responded that I was "pretty damn sure."

My mom is still pretty quiet and my dad and I are having awkward conversation not talking about it.

I thought coming out to them would make me feel better. It kinda had the opposite effect, actually. I kinda feel like crap right now. I feel like they called me a fraud and suggested that the only reason I'm doing this is for the attention. Fuck this.
 
mcdaddy said:
"It's fairly democratic these days."
Click to expand...

Does your dad work for FOX News?

Anyway, you did the right thing. They will come to terms with it, and for now you have to be patient with them
 
Firstly congratualtions, it is a big first step you have taken and well done. I would just let your parents have abit of time to let it sink in and process the information, and then be there to answer questions when they want to ask. Stick to your position that its not a phase, and just give it a bit of time. Don't forget you have been coming round to this for the last x years, and having come out to yourself have come out to them, it will take a bit for it to sink in with them as well.

Don't worry and big congratualtions again.
 
>>>My mom then proceeded to tell me that coming out was very "tv" and that she was very disappointed.

Wait until the Nielsens come out. Then we'll have a better picture of how you did.

Congratulations, sir. Welcome to the other side. ..|

Lex
 
Hang in there. Give your folks time to adjust to the news. If they had no idea about you I'm sure it came as a pretty big shock. I'm sure you feel like crap now but isn't it a relief not to have to pretend to live a lifestyle that isn't true. Best of luck & think positive!
 
You know, I think that your coming out was odd because your dad actually seemed pretty indifferent and okay with the possibility that you're gay. Your mom seems a bit less okay, but mainly because of the stereotypes and pressures facing gay men, not because of her moral objections to your sexuality.

I don't know what TV she watches that she thinks coming out is "TV" and that she would be disappointed in you doing that.

I don't think your dad got that what you want is his acceptance and support, not his 'permission' and I think your mom missed the point entirely. I don't think either of them actually understand what "coming out" is or what it means.

I think you're in a good place, though, if not a bit disappointing...what an odd way for your parents to react. Maybe it's just hitting them faster than they thought and they weren't sure how to handle it.

Regardless, it seems like your dad is okay, and willing to correct any misconceptions that arise if your mom wants to bring them up.

*hug Way to be brave, though sweetie. :) You no longer have anything to hide.
 
I'm sorry your parents weren't outwardly supportive. Give them a few days to adjust. They seem open to the idea and much of what your dad said seemed pretty supportive to me. I'm sure all will be fine once a little time has passed. We are all here at JUB to support you.
 
Thanks for the support, guys. I realize it could have been much worse. Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow. It sounds to me like time is all I can do now. So...I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes!
 
McDaddy.

Congrats man. I tip my hat to you. You are my hero. Sure your not a soldier defending his country or a superhero defeating the arch villian. What you did took more guts, courage and strength then the last two types of Heroes.

You took a firm stand and told your parents that you were gay. (*8*)

I think most guys would have rather taken a bullet then tell their moms and dad's that they preferred cock to the norm. Congrats.

Now as for the akwardness. Don't worry about it. You gave them alot to think and talk about. They'll be going through the 5 (or is it 7?) stages of "Oh my god...my son/daughter is gay!" There at stage one. He's confused...he just needs to meet the right girl. BUT don't you back down. Don't let them tell you how to live your life. You won't have told them you were Gay unless you were sure. So don't feel crappy....don't feel sad. don't feel bad about telling them either. You raise your head and walk proud my son! Your here and your Queer and your breaking over to the otherside! ..|

 
I agree with what people here have been saying.

It was awkward, but at least it was fairly drama-free. I mean, they didn't throw you out & disinherit you, right? :-)

They probably already had some inkling, otherwise there would've been more drama. So, yeah, the final reality just needs to sink in.

Your job now is to educate them, make them realize a lot of their preconceptions are wrong. They sound like basically good parents, just a little scared. Like you used to be. :-)

Good luck!
 
Hi there, and congratulations. You did a brave thing. Remember that they are trying to digest something that you've been thinking and wrestling with for years and years. They'll come around, but it looks like you dropped a bombshell on them (they apparently didn't suspect), so it will take some time to digest it and get used to the idea. Once they do, everyone will relax about it.

Insofar as you were visibly nervous, it would have been obvious to anyone that you were on the hot seat and in need of some reassurance. It would have been nice if they could have given *some* kind of assurance--like "it's ok" or "we still love you anyway" or some of the acceptance-messages we're looking for. But, people react to shocking news in different ways. I suspect those things will come once they get their wits about them again.

To the extent you can, steer them away from negative reactions and conclusions. I noticed that their (at least your mother's) knee-jerk reaction was: 1) it was a "choice"; 2. you'll be discriminated against; and 3) you have a higher likelihood of contracting AIDS.

You've got some educating to do, I'm afraid. One way to get them on board with you is to be confident and happy. Most parents want their kids to be happy, above all. If you show remorse, indecision, are apologetic, or unhappy about your situation, they will follow suit and it gives them a wedge to pester you to "change your mind."

Good luck. Congratulations again on doing something very difficult. In the end, you'll all be better off for it.

Let us know how it's all going!

(*8*)
 
Hang in there. For two days after I told my family, I felt like crap, glad that I had gotten it over with and desperately wanting to undo everything and have things go back to "normal". And that was with my family being very supportive.

It may take your parents some time to accept you as you are. Be patient. It could have gone better, but it also could have gone a lot worse. At least now you no longer have to pretend to be somebody you're not. It took a lot of guts to do what you did. We're here for you if you need us.
 
well grats first off. Yeah, give your parents some time to think about you. Even after coming out 3 years ago, my parents and I don't talk about my homosexuality but they don't have anything against it. I'm a little surprised that one of your parents didn't expect it. Usually parent's intuition can sense something like that.
 
Hey guys,
Again, thanks for the support. A bit of an update.
My mom is still very quiet. I think she's mad that she wasn't the first to know. I also think she's mad because, since other people know, I can't very well take it back. Hopefully she'll get over it.
I talked with my sister. Aparently lots of people thought I was gay. Who knew? My mom, apparently, said something like "I think he may be gay" when I was 6. My sister claims that she had thought I might have been, but hadn't "seriously considered it." It is interesting to me that, although they may have thought of it, that they still didn't really prepare for it.
Hopefully everything will just get better with time. I hope it gets better soon, though. We are going to the beach on the 13th and I really am not looking forward to being locked in a car with this awkwardness for 2 1/2 hours...
 
I'm sure all will get better with time. Your mom hasn't rejected you, she's just going through the stages of acceptance. Have you read the "Parent Stages of Grief" sticky post in this forum area? That may help you understand what she is going through. As you have said in a previous post, there is nothing you can do except to give it some time.
 
The beach trip will probably be fine.

My advice? Just be yourself. It's really important for your family to see that you haven't really changed. You're the same person you were before, they just know something new about you.

My mother was very accepting but kinda awkward when I came out, but warmed up more over a couple months as she realized what I told her at the beginning--I'm still the same person I was before. She thought I might turn into some caricature from a TV show or something. :-)

So the trip doesn't have to have any drama. It could be very reassuring to your family that you're the same ol' lovable self that you always were. :-)
 
Hey guys,
I hope you guys are right about the beach trip. I'll try and stay optimistic...

Averageguy, I looked at the "parental stages of grief"...thank you so much for writing that. My mom is currently in stage 2, and I feel a lot better knowing that what she's going through it normal. *relief*....
 
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