Damn it I'm in love with my best friend :(

[Sammael]

I know it's so cliche for a gay/bisexual guy to fall in love with his best friend but I can't help it. About a week ago I made a topic about him but I'll summarize the situation here. I'm a 26 years old bisexual male. But I'm mostly bottom gay. I never had sex with a girl, I sucked 2 people's cock and I had sex as bottom 2 times. I'm in the closet. My best friends are 26 years old, they are twins and we've been friends for 14-15 years. In the last few days I thought a lot and sorted my feelings out. Then I realized that I'm in love with my best friend. Actually as a friend I'm equally close with both of them since they are twins but I'm not attracted to the other one. Let's call the one I love "Tom" and the other one "Joe" . Right now my feelings are like this; although I like Joe a lot as a friend, I wouldn't do anything sexual with him. But I'm totally in love with Tom. In the last 2-3 days I fantasized about him all day; like lying on bed and kissing his hairy belly and legs all day, then sleeping with my cheek on his cock(he showed it when we were kids and it was huge). I have never fallen in love with a male before. I'm gonna come out to them in a week since we'll be togather for 4 days straight starting from wednesday. I have some reasons to believe that there's a slight chance that they may ask for sexual favours after I come out. Here are the reasons:
1-Joe(the one that I don't fancy) once told me on msn that a gay found him on some website and wanted Joe to fuck him. He copy/pasted the conversation to me on msn and I found out that Joe was gonna fuck him but the gay guy was from another city so it didn't happen. I don't know whether this was a joke or he would really fuck him. But I'm sure that he would say it's a joke if I asked about it so I didn't ask.
2-Here in Turkey it's hard to get a girl friend let alone have sex with her before marriage. For example Tom doesn't have a girl friend and he only had sex with hookers a few times in the past. It is common for out of the closet gays to be asked for sexual favors by heterosexual males a lot.
3-I'm effeminate and my friends are aware of this. Sometimes they imply that I'm a girl or a lot like a girl. And they talk like they like it. For example Tom once told me that he's gonna kiss my pink butt.
4-Sometimes Tom does some physical things. For example a few days ago he held my hand and told me to hold his hand. Then he told me that my fingers are thin. Another time he put his hand on my butt as if he was just getting strength from holding somewhere but he was gentle so that can't be it. I pretended like nothing is happening.

I've decided what to do. I'm gonna come out to them in a week without telling him that I love or like him. So you may ask me why I'm posting this if I made my mind. There are 2 reasons. One reason is that if they ask for sexual favours or something like that, how am I gonna tell them that I would do anything with Tom but I wouldn't do anything with Joe? It's weird because they're twins and they look like each other. And what shall I say as an excuse?
Another reason why I make this post is this; when I come out totally in the future, no matter what other people say, I won't get hurt, even if everyone I know turns out to have homophobia. But if Tom says something bad when I come out, I'll get hurt deeply. I may even start crying right there although I haven't cried for many years. So what can I do to avoid feeling very bad?

 

[thermodynamics]

I've been there, not with twins, but I've been there. I'm glad you're going to come out to them--it's what you need to do. As far as what happens after that...take it one step at a time. Don't worry about it too much now, since you don't know what's going to happen.

 

[Nice Boy]

I totally agree with thermodynamics and I'd like to add: From what you wrote it seems to me that it's a zero-sum game - like you can lose or get everything...

I would also suggest that right after you come out to them, try to ask them directly if they're gay (since they were doing something physical which is in my opinion quite unusual for a heterosexual males in their 20s).

THEN observe reactions. I really don't think that something bad will happen.
If it turns out that they are gay and they will ask you to do something sexual, you could say politely that you wanna try it with Tom, not with Joe.

I hope Joe wouldn't be offended.

But prepare that if it turns out bad, you MAY lose your friends.

BTW, how many friends do you have? I learned very painfully (by virtually losing my friend that it's not a good idea to bind to 1 person only)

Please, could you let me/us know how it turned out? You can even post me a PM (private message if you like)

I wish you the best

 

[Lube]

Are you going to come out to them together or individually? If it's individually, it's easy to say you'd have sex with one but not the other. The other will eventually find out, but, whatever.

If you come out to them together, and they ask if you want to have sex, tell them the truth: "I don't want sex with any old straight guy. I only want sex with someone I like/love." If Tom says he likes/loves you, you're set.

But don't expect it. :-(

 

[Sammael]

Yesterday I came out to them. They took it well but I could have done it a lot better. I tried to start talking about it many times, I had good opportunities but I just couldn't say the words. So I thought that if we get drunk, I'll be less shy and it'll be easier. But I was wrong. We went to a bar(three of us) and we drank 3 beers each. I rarely drink beer so I'm not used to it and became drunk but I still couldn't tell them that I'm bisexual. So we got out of the bar and started walking. I asked them something but since I was drunk, I don't remember the exact sentence but basically I told them that I brought them to a bar to tell them about something. But I still couldn't say it. I told something like let's get out of that crowded area. We did but it was still too hard. Then Joe(let's call the one I fancy Tom and the other one Joe) started insisting that I tell it because he became curious. I asked him if he knows what bisexual means. He said no I told him that it means "someone who likes both girls and guys" and told him that I'm bisexual. Since I was drunk(they didnt look drunk), I don't remember the exact words and sentences we used but they took it very well. Joe thought that it may be a short term thing and it may be because I'm not social with girls but I assured him that this is not the case. Today we talked on msn in the morning. I asked them if there's any problem about it and they said that there's no reason for a problem. They said it's my choice and they respect people's choices. Then we met and spent a few hours togather and they were cool. But we didn't talk anything about it. I think that's because they think that since I tried to get drunk to tell them that I'm bisexual, and still struggled hard to get the words out, then I must be uncomfortable talking about it. I'm pretty sure that if I don't say anything about it again, they won't say anything about it neither so that I don't feel uncomfortable again. Should I just continue normal without talking about bisexuality or should I bring it up and show them that I'm not uncomfortable talking about it anymore so that they can ask questions if they have any? I told them that I had sex with guys but they don't even know whether I was top or bottom. I just can't believe that they are not curious about this since I'm their best friend.

 

[Sammael]

By the way I realised that the reason why I struggled so hard to come out to them was because I wasn't sure about what they thought about gays/bisexuals and man to man sex. But now that I know they're cool about it, I feel comfortable talking to them about it. Today when I was with them I felt like bringing it up and making jokes about it but I didn't because I thought that it may be too soon for that.

 

[Eagle653]

There could be many reasons why they don't bring it up. As your best friends, you would be in a better position to figure out what it might be. Common reasons include:

1) The concept is alien to them and they don't know even what questions to ask. They need to rely on you to guide the conversation. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they literally do not know what to say. The fact that one didn't even know what "bisexuality" is makes me think they don't know a lot about it.

2) Sexual topics could be very personal for them and they may find it uncomfortable to talk about other people's sexual habits, regardless of how close they consider someone.

3) They may not care in any real sense, as long as you're happy and don't have a problem with it. Their telling you "it's your choice" (as if it is a "choice") might be a reflection of this.

4) It could be they're uncomfortable with the topic and prefer not to discuss it.

5) It could be they don't want to embarrass you by bringing it up faster than you're comfortable talking about it more. If so, they are waiting for you to lead them as to when it's safe.

In general, our sexuality is much more important to us than it is to other people. Time after time, people get worked up for weeks plotting a coming out scenario to friends (especially) only to be met with underwhelming responses like "so?" or blank stares, or shrugs, or "that's nice, what's new?" LOL. It happened to me too.

It doesn't seem like either one of them are gay themselves, so for the sake of your friendship, I would keep your crush on Tom to yourself. If that information gets put into the mix, he could become confused as to the nature of the friendship and decide to end it because he's uncomfortable with that news.

Good luck!

 

[Sammael]

1) I don't think this is the case because the reason why they don't know the word "bisexual" is because it's a new word for the Turkish language. But they know that there are many gays and people who have sex with both genders.

2) I think this can't be the case either because we've talked a lot about having sex with girls. I mean we've talked everything about sex that all the straight guys talk about and they were never shy about anything. Today one of them even talked about a girl he became close with(including some sexuality) so it was a bit weird for me to talk about girls while ignoring the fact that I told them I like having sex with males only 1 day ago.

3) I'm not sure. Maybe they don't care but we're just too close. They know some other secrets of mine that noone else knows and vice versa. I don't think it's normal for them to just ignore it when we talk about even very simply things everyday(sometimes online).

4) I really hope that this is not the case. Because they may also be uncomfortable with me since they would fear that I may bring it up. And I have no idea whether they want me to bring it up or not.

5) It is probably this. In the past I was gonna ask a girl out and I talked with these 2 friends for hours about what to say. And I was too shy and anxious about it. Now they know that I prepared some lines to come out to them just like I prepared some lines for that girl in the past. I had the same anxiousness in me while I was coming out to them and they sensed it. So they probably won't bring it up again thinking that I'll get anxious and uncomfortable just like when I was coming out to them. The thing is if noone talks about it and we continue talking about just girls all the time, it'll be too weird as if everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room. Maybe I should just talk honest and open and tell them that although I was anxious and nervous when I was coming out, there's no need for me to be anxious anymore since I already came out so they can ask me any questions they have. But I have to wait a few days at least. Maybe they'll bring it up. I can also make jokes about it instead of talking serious. For example one time I was talking to a bisexual married guy with our webcams on. We were gonna meet but he wanted his wife to be included in the sex too. Then he called his wife to show herself on webcam. She was very fat and funny(I like fat girls and my friends know that). He had a fantasy of some stranger(in this case me) grabbing and feeling his wife in public. It was getting too complicated for me so I stopped talking to him. Maybe it would be funny to tell them about this.

 

[KaraBulut]

1) I don't think this is the case because the reason why they don't know the word "bisexual" is because it's a new word for the Turkish language. But they know that there are many gays and people who have sex with both genders.

The word may exist but the concept does not. In the mid-east, men marry women but can have sex on the side with other men but this is not considered "bisexual" in the Western sense.

As you probably know, only certain actors and singers are allowed to be "gay". Everyone else gets married and has discrete sex on the side.

Even though you've told them, expect that they will continue to say that you just need to find the right girl.

 

[Lube]

Joe thought that it may be a short term thing and it may be because I'm not social with girls but I assured him that this is not the case.

Excellent! It's great that you stood your ground on that. You sound very self-assured, and that's very good for your well-being.

Should I just continue normal without talking about bisexuality or should I bring it up and show them that I'm not uncomfortable talking about it anymore so that they can ask questions if they have any? I told them that I had sex with guys but they don't even know whether I was top or bottom. I just can't believe that they are not curious about this since I'm their best friend.

Well, I don't pretend to have the knowledge that KaraBulut does about middle eastern society. But it seems like they are waiting for you to talk about it (as AverageGuy said). Go slowly. Don't talk about it too much; don't obsess about it; and don't tell them about topping or bottoming just yet. But, sure, bring it up once in a while. See how comfortable they are with it. They need to get used to talking about it. (At this point, I don't know if they're gay or bisexual or striaght. But talking about it seems pretty harmless.)

 

[lamb-on-easter]

okay, when i told my very best friend that im bi/gay wasnt sure at the time. she said basically the same thing your friends did. and the next few days...it was like the conversation never happened. nothing was said about it, so i asked her if she was uncomfortable talking about it...and she said no...she we started talking about it...making jokes having fun with it.

when i told my best guy friend....and i may have had feelings for him. i was hoping that when i told him that im into guys...hed say the same....of course hes straight. he said the same thing about being okay with it, its my prefrence and thats all it is. he would talk to me about it but nothing sexual just stuff like...are you worried that when other people find out...they will give you shit for it? he was really supportive, but i could tell he was burning up with questions, but didnt want to ask. i know that still today he is really courious, so every now and then i throw out a statement to help him understand...

he still doesnt ask sexual questions, but i can tell he wants to know...

 

[Sammael]

They still haven't said anything about it. I don't know whether it is because they saw me getting very uncomfortable when coming out or because they're uncomfortable talking about it themselves but is it ok if I ignore it like they do? Like not saying anything about it for a long time? After all, I've done my part. They have thousands of ways to start a conversation about it. Or would it be too weird if I don't bring it up again either and someday I find myself in a situation where I can't talk to them about some similar thing(like about a boyfriend) as if I need to come out again?

 

[Lube]

Personally, I think it would be very weird if you never talked about it again.

Like I said, don't obsess about it, but bring it up once in a while (gently at first).