Date someone in an open relationship

[ashmylove]

Hello everyone!

I just got back from a local gay cruising spot and I feel so depressed.

I met this guy about 9 months ago. He told me he can't be my boyfriend because he is in an open relationship. I like him so much and I don't know since when I am in love with him.

We did everything a couple normally does. He treats me so well and supports me unconditionally. I have never been in a relationship so I am very carefully when with him, I don't want to lose him even he is not my boyfriend.

I feel bad recently since he doesn't talk with me so much as before for the past 3 days. This happened before and it was because of his job stuff, everything was fine between us. I don't want to act like "why doesn't he call me? is he tired of me?" all day, but since I have never been in a relationship, I really don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to cause trouble so I rarely text him.

Everything is first time for me, and since I am talking some medicine with a side effect of depression, I get sad very easily, but for the past a few months, even a "hello" from him can make me feel live again.

So I went to the cruising spot in a park nearby, because he hasn't talked with me for a while.

Nothing happened in the park, I just hugged the guy in front of me with his pants off and said sorry. That guy said I was "so cold".

I couldn't so something like this when there is someone I love so much.

I will update once I know why he hasn't talked with me recently, but I do need help like what should I do as I can't tell him I love him. As long as I love him, the depression would happen again I suppose. I can't hook someone up and hug then leave with their pants off every time.

English is not my first language and it's late here and I am not feeling good, I hope I made myself clear. Thanks guys!

 

[LuckysRevenge]

You don't love him. You are infatuated with him. It's hard to distinguish when you have never had a relationship.

You need to move on. He will never be what you want him to be. You need to find someone who can return your feelings.

 

[ashmylove]

You don't love him. You are infatuated with him. It's hard to distinguish when you have never had a relationship.

You need to move on. He will never be what you want him to be. You need to find someone who can return your feelings.

Thanks. I knew people would suggest me move on, but I don't love him? I want to marry him, seriously.

I am going to read this later: http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love

 

[eastofeden]

Not always...but alot of times when someone goes after "love" they know they can't have or won't be returned they may be setting the stage and recreating the emotional circumstances they experienced at another time in their lives...

I don't know if that is the case for you or not...

 

[hylas]

Dude this doesn't sound very healthy, and yes, you should move on, even if he treats you well.

 

[Seasoned]

If he is in an open relationship he has made a serious mistake by letting things go too far with you and not being honest from the beginning. You are vulnerable probably due to your personality and the side effects from your medication. Many people don't feel complete unless there is a romantic interest in their lives. Unfortunately, that is not a healthy way to live. Also, a lot of people confuse sex, romance and love. They are three separate things.

You are in emotional trouble which will cause you continued pain if you don't take action. Please see your doctor to ask for a different medication. Depression is serious. Secondly, avoid dangerous situations like public sex. Thirdly, begin accepting that you can't control anyone other than yourself. Any love or romantic interest has the same choices you have. They are not required to return your feelings.

I know this is painful, but, as an adult, you have choices. If you were to stop seeing him you could begin to heal. If you continue to wait for a text and an infrequent meeting you will continue to worry and be sad most of the time. You won't be healthy if you let him and what he does or doesn't do control how you feel. And you will not make things better if you distract yourself with dangerous activities. If would be much better to look for people who are free and willing to date. Please guard against the feeling that you need someone. Want and need are two different things.

Needing love leads to unnecessary pain and sometimes to abuse. A heathy relationship comes for two people each wanting the other. You deserve more than crumbs from the table.

Best wishes to you.

 

[ashmylove]

If he is in an open relationship he has made a serious mistake by letting things go too far with you and not being honest from the beginning. You are vulnerable probably due to your personality and the side effects from your medication. Many people don't feel complete unless there is a romantic interest in their lives. Unfortunately, that is not a healthy way to live. Also, a lot of people confuse sex, romance and love. They are three separate things.

You are in emotional trouble which will cause you continued pain if you don't take action. Please see your doctor to ask for a different medication. Depression is serious. Secondly, avoid dangerous situations like public sex. Thirdly, begin accepting that you can't control anyone other than yourself. Any love or romantic interest has the same choices you have. They are not required to return your feelings.

I know this is painful, but, as an adult, you have choices. If you were to stop seeing him you could begin to heal. If you continue to wait for a text and an infrequent meeting you will continue to worry and be sad most of the time. You won't be healthy if you let him and what he does or doesn't do control how you feel. And you will not make things better if you distract yourself with dangerous activities. If would be much better to look for people who are free and willing to date. Please guard against the feeling that you need someone. Want and need are two different things.

Needing love leads to unnecessary pain and sometimes to abuse. A heathy relationship comes for two people each wanting the other. You deserve more than crumbs from the table.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks for your reply.

Maybe I didn't make it clear, he told me he is in an open relationship at the beginning so there is no problem about being honest.

I am not trying to force him to do anything I want. It could be my personality that I feel lost when we don't chat for a few days.

I would call this unhealthy probably if this is not happening with me. I have been alone for a long time and I know how to deal with it. It was not my need of love makes me don't want to lose him.

See, this is a problem I never talked with anyone before, and he is the only one I cannot talk with. Now I can't even make you believe that I LOVE him.

I do know public sex is dangerous. When I went to that kind of place I was not even h***y. Maybe watching other people doing it is my fetish, or it's just because of the medicine.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Because you don't love him...I know it seems we don't know what we are talking about but love comes over time and is not a feeling where you NEED someone.

Most importantly you can't "lose" him. Why? Because you never had him in the first place.

I know this is tough and our advice may seem hard to follow but when you look back on this moment you will have realized the temporary pain of moving on saved you so much grief in the long run.

 

[ashmylove]

Because you don't love him...I know it seems we don't know what we are talking about but love comes over time and is not a feeling where you NEED someone.

Most importantly you can't "lose" him. Why? Because you never had him in the first place.

I know this is tough and our advice may seem hard to follow but when you look back on this moment you will have realized the temporary pain of moving on saved you so much grief in the long run.

Thank you, really.
I was thinking about my post today, and I summed it up as "I went to see people having sex in public because someone didn't reply my message".
I may stop taking the medicine in one month so I hope I won't do the same thing again and think about the situation without the depression effect. For now I will focus more on myself, rather than thinking about whether he is tired of me.

Thank you all for your advice.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Based on what you're telling us, you're dating a man in an open relationship when this is your first serious connection with someone else and that you take medication for your mental health. There is a lot of concern here.

Don't stop taking your medication. If it is prescribed by your doctor, you need to continue taking it. Some medications require slow withdrawal periods where cutting cold turkey can result in seriously harmful side-effects.

I also do not believe that dating someone in an open relationship is for you. You want everything that his partner has, and you're unhappy during the moments you can't have him, or when he's too busy to communicate at that moment. You don't have the self-esteem or personal experience to mitigate these pre-conceived notions of what a relationship has to be. Your belief is that love eventually equals into a full, long-term relationship with marriage and living together happily ever after. That's not going to happen with this guy. His expectation is that he's open to loving other people, but it is only for that limited time during the week. He other responsibilities and lovers to attend to with his time. That's the reality you signed up for. You have to learn to have a life outside of this arrangement with him. Have your own FWB or open boyfriend.

The only way dating this open relationship work is if you treat your own life as an open relationship. Exercise the same amount of freedom and purpose as he does.

 

[ashmylove]

Based on what you're telling us, you're dating a man in an open relationship when this is your first serious connection with someone else and that you take medication for your mental health. There is a lot of concern here.

Don't stop taking your medication. If it is prescribed by your doctor, you need to continue taking it. Some medications require slow withdrawal periods where cutting cold turkey can result in seriously harmful side-effects.

I also do not believe that dating someone in an open relationship is for you. You want everything that his partner has, and you're unhappy during the moments you can't have him, or when he's too busy to communicate at that moment. You don't have the self-esteem or personal experience to mitigate these pre-conceived notions of what a relationship has to be. Your belief is that love eventually equals into a full, long-term relationship with marriage and living together happily ever after. That's not going to happen with this guy. His expectation is that he's open to loving other people, but it is only for that limited time during the week. He other responsibilities and lovers to attend to with his time. That's the reality you signed up for. You have to learn to have a life outside of this arrangement with him. Have your own FWB or open boyfriend.

The only way dating this open relationship work is if you treat your own life as an open relationship. Exercise the same amount of freedom and purpose as he does.

Thank you for the reply.

The ironic thing is, I am not his boyfriend, but I don’t want to find someone else, for dating, relationship or just hook up; his boyfriend is allowed to find others for dating or hook up, and they still love each other.

I am not even sure whether he “loves” me during that limited time. There is no reason to let him know I love him.

I know if he stops seeing me, he still has his life, but I would have nothing.

Thinking too much would blow my mind.

 

[TX-Beau]

No, you are not his boyfriend and you will not be his boyfriend. You are lying to yourself if you think that "open relationship" means they are unhappy with each other.

He's told you you won't have him, and you are pretending that didn't happen.

What do you expect to be the resolution here?



He will do what I would do and walk because you don't respect his primary relationship.

 

[ashmylove]

No, you are not his boyfriend and you will not be his boyfriend. You are lying to yourself if you think that "open relationship" means they are unhappy with each other.

He's told you you won't have him, and you are pretending that didn't happen.

What do you expect to be the resolution here?



He will do what I would do and walk because you don't respect his primary relationship.

I am not saying they are unhappy with each other.
I am not pretending I can have him some day.
Respecting his primary relationship means I can't love him?

Either my English sucks that I couldn't make myself clear I LOVE him while DON'T want him break up with his boyfriend and be with me, or the emotional problems make me difficult to write something.

I wish him happy, and has a happy life with his boyfriend. How suddenly I became the one who don't respect him and want him unhappy with his boyfriend?

I need my pills now.

 

[chris125]

Hi Ashmylove,

I usually do not respond in this site, but I felt compelled to respond to your thread for some reason.

So here are my 2 cents: Like everyone one else here, I believe what you are feeling is infatuation based on your story. But if you truly believe this is love, then it is your call.

But it leads me to my next point: so what if you love him? What difference does it make?

You need to figure out what you want with him and make a decision on it. Be realistic about your expectations. Be true to yourself, don't convince yourself that you will be okay with an arrangement you clearly will never be happy with.

If you just want to have someone to hang out with on occasion, talk to, and sleep with, then continue on your affair. But don't love him, you're only going to keep yourself in a vicious cycle of depression. He'll always have work or his boyfriend come up; you will always be waiting, wondering, driving yourself crazy on your end.

If you really love him and can't fall out of it, then the best thing to do is to end your arrangement. Clearly, you are incapable of handling his absence (I don't mean this in a bad way), and he will always have his moments away from you. What's the point of loving someone when you can't find happiness with them?

I hope you make the right decision, and hope you the best.

 

[ashmylove]

Hi Ashmylove,

I usually do not respond in this site, but I felt compelled to respond to your thread for some reason.

So here are my 2 cents: Like everyone one else here, I believe what you are feeling is infatuation based on your story. But if you truly believe this is love, then it is your call.

But it leads me to my next point: so what if you love him? What difference does it make?

You need to figure out what you want with him and make a decision on it. Be realistic about your expectations. Be true to yourself, don't convince yourself that you will be okay with an arrangement you clearly will never be happy with.

If you just want to have someone to hang out with on occasion, talk to, and sleep with, then continue on your affair. But don't love him, you're only going to keep yourself in a vicious cycle of depression. He'll always have work or his boyfriend come up; you will always be waiting, wondering, driving yourself crazy on your end.

If you really love him and can't fall out of it, then the best thing to do is to end your arrangement. Clearly, you are incapable of handling his absence (I don't mean this in a bad way), and he will always have his moments away from you. What's the point of loving someone when you can't find happiness with them?

I hope you make the right decision, and hope you the best.

Thank you.
I read your post right after I made my decision. I love him, so there is no way I can continue this affair.
There are so many details I didn't mention so maybe what I wrote made it seems like infatuation rather than love.
I don't feel free, and it is terrible.

 

[dereperez]

It may be love, it may be infatuation. The point is he is not reciprocating those feelings. You could talk to him about it...see what he says, as sometimes the path is a lot clearer if you are forced onto it. If you don't talk to him, you'll always have the thought of "what if?"

Seems as though you've already made up your mind to leave him, which is good. Stick to it and cut your losses now before your feelings and pain become deeper.