Date still going on Grindr or Scruff

[FrenchyUK]

Hello
Really need your opinion on something who does really bothers me
I met that guy 3 months ago on Grindr- he's not local though and lives about 200 miles from me...we managed to meet and now are seeing each other at least twice a month for 2 or 3 days at the time...met his parents few days ago for Easter dinner...everything seems good but it's not.
I was bit annoyed with him still using Grindr but he assured me it wasn't his intentions to meet anyone, was just here to chat with guys he met ( not physically) on here. I wasn't convinced ( I'm old school and think that if you are dating someone, you don't need to use those sites) but at the same time,we just met so I though ok ,go ahead. One evening, I create a false profile ( I know, a bit despicable) and started to chat with him when he was online. Few minutes later, I managed to get a sex date. I called him straight away and told him that it was over and even though we weren't officially bf, I felt betrayed. He apologised and I accepted to see him to talk about it. We spent the following week end together, all good and talked about that. He says it was bored that day ( when i caught him on Grindr)and assured me he wasn't going to meet that guy... That I don't believe but I still forgave him.
The long distance thing is a problem but he's planning to move back to London at the end of the year, so well probably see each other more...we got a week away planned in July and a show in October, so the guy is making plans with me....he promised me to delete his Grindr account.
Then yesterday I found him on Scruff...as you can imagine I was a bit upset so I create another profile and started to chat to him again....tried to lure him again for a sex hook up but didnt worked this time, he just wanted to meet for a coffee....he even mentioned to that "guy" he was kind of seeing someone and just wanted to meet for drinks....so my question is should I trust him? Is it ok to let him go for drinks with other guys? I know he doesnt have many friends where he lives (he moved three years ago because of a previous relationship but wants to move back to london)I understand that the relation just started and he might not know what is feelings are at the moment towards me....and also know I should stop snooping around because it will drive me crazy and will eventually ruin the relation between us...so I decided not to mention that I know he's got a Scruff account and just see how it goes...any advices or personal experiences ....sorry for the long post and my not so perfect English, it's not my first language ;-)

 

[FrenchyUK]

Mate, you need to chill a little. You said you guys are not a couple and all that and it's not been long since you've been dating. So, in my opinion, there's nothing wrong if he was going to meet anyone. Unless you guys are a proper couple then yea, that's going to be a big issue.

Anyway, you should give him a chance, don't trust him completely, since he has tried to hook up before. He did reject your offer to hook up and said he's seeing someone. So probably he really does wanna meet up as friends, as you said he hasn't got many friends around. Just see how things go, though if you really are getting freaked out about this, it probably isn't the right sort of relationship for you. Maybe you could come up with a compromise? Like join him when he goes for a drink with other guys. If he's meeting up for friends, it wouldn't be so bad if you tagged along.

Thanks for the advice...I know I need to chill about that....and for joining him when he met guys for drink, he's 200 miles from me so that would be difficult

 

[Seasoned]

You met a nice guy and he's interested in dating you. He hasn't made a formal commitment to you and you live 200 miles apart. I think it's unrealistic to expect an end to internet behavior. You seem able and willing to become exclusive. He might not yet be ready.

You don't know if he's still looking, but you need to stop spying because of what it will do to you. You can't be mentally healthy if you continuously check up on another person. If you can't or won't trust him you can't have a healthy relationship. At the same time, if there's a reasonable possibility of him hooking up make sure to keep yourself safe.

 

[Georgiadude]

First, Welcome to JUB. I hope you find this a fun place to visit.

Now to the point. You just met him three months ago and the two of you are two hundred miles apart. Unless you guys have talked about being exclusive and both of you agreed to it, I think you're being unreasonable. You obviously have trust issues. Creating 2 fake profiles to "test" him proves that. This is a new relationship and you're acting like you're engaged. It is possible to date several people at the same time. The spying and setting him up is going to chase him away very quickly.

If you guys have agreed to be exclusive then you need to trust him. If you can't trust him, you need to end the relationship. I'm not saying he's totally innocent but I'm not sure the two of you are on the same page relationship wise. Also just because he's on those sites doesn't mean he's looking to have sex. I've just chatted with many guys on jacked or grindr. You even said he's lonely. Talk to him. If you agree to be exclusive then you need to trust him and not set him up. You're also going to have to understand he's going to have guy friends. He's going to go out to dinner or drinks. It's not fair to expect him to be two hundred miles away and live like a hermit. Long distance relationships take a lot of work. There has to be trust and understanding. Without those it's doomed.

Steven

 

[Fireballs]

I'd get rid of somebody so fast if I found out they created fake profiles to "test" me. I wouldn't care if we were exclusive or not because that is an act of deceitfulness in itself. I'd consider yourself lucky that he hasn't deemed you too clingy and creepy and casted you away yet.

 

[crushinonted]

I would suggest getting out of the "relationship". You obviously don't trust him and that's not going to improve. On top of that, the two of you are on completely different pages with regards to the status of your relationship. There are guys out there who will reciprocate your feelings and not give you any reason to be mistrustful.

 

[LatinCoffee]

First off--you met the guy on Grindr (no offense to anyone on there) but it's not a dating site and it seems to me like you are both on different pages. You seem to want more and he seems not to be ready to be. If you have to create fake profiles to lure him in--not good for either of you. Move on and not on Grindr or sex sites --if you want a real relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

I understand that the relation just started and he might not know what is feelings are at the moment towards me....and also know I should stop snooping around because it will drive me crazy and will eventually ruin the relation between us...so I decided not to mention that I know he's got a Scruff account and just see how it goes...

Let's start with a question: What were you doing on Grindr and Scruff?

You know, sometimes the truth lies on one side or the other. Sometimes it's "somewhere in between". This case is "somewhere in between".

There's two problems- he lied and you didn't trust him (twice). It's not clear which came first.

It's true that at some point during your relationship he has been with other guys. Whether he actually did the deed is irrelevant- he was out cruising for guys, setting up dates with guys, etc.. However, the question of whether that constitutes cheating depends on whether he had made a commitment to being exclusive.

But, if he weren't cheating... what would it have taken for you to trust that the relationship is serious enough and that his feelings for you are genuine enough? When you go into a situation expecting that someone is cheating and then you entrap them to confirm your suspicions, there's a fine line between looking out forward yourself vs making yourself look like a jealous snooping boyfriend.

Bottom line- you don't trust him.

The long distance thing is a problem but he's planning to move back to London at the end of the year, so well probably see each other more...

Probably?

Look- either you're in or you're out. If you like this guy and he likes you, then there shouldn't be a "probably". The two of you need to have a frank talk about where this is going. It's a little unrealistic after 3 months of a relationship and 200 miles between you to be putting a lot of expectations on this relationship unless you're willing to make a commitment yourself. If that means finding a way to see each other more often or if that means being more open to seeing other people, then you need to decide what you're willing to do to make it work. It would be a lot easier to have that honest conversation with him than it would be to hang out on Scruff and Grindr trying to prove that you can't trust him.

 

[TX-Beau]

yeah, I'd have walked in you also. If you aren't exclusive, that MEANS he's free to see other guys, and if you don't like that, you have an issue, that will be the same issue you'll have with every other guy you date.

TOO far TOO fast, and expectations TOO unrealistic.