Dating a Guy Has Cooled My feelings

[yuengling]

I had really strong feelings towards men a year ago. I've always battled with whether I was bi or gay but after dating a guy for a while and having sex with another man I'm not as interested anymore...? which has just confused me even further. I guess I thought dating a guy would solve most of my relationship problems but its turning out to be just a bit better than my relationships with girls...
Its just a little confusing and I'm not sure what to do....

 

[hotb0d]

maybe you just to find the right guy.

 

[Esquire0399]

maybe you just to find the right guy.

Agreed. I don't think it's so much that guys aren't for you. It's more likely that you simply haven't found the guy that IS for you. You don't need to like/love/whatever all men, just the one that's right for you. Good luck bud!

 

[Seasoned]

Is there any internalized homophobia going on? Now that you are having sex with men you may not be as needy and as horny as you once were. If there are negative messages floating around perhaps there's a subconscious one saying that your attraction for men can be controlled. I'm not saying this is you. I'm just throwing it out there. Good luck on your journey.

 

[alli-berri]

I just began my first male-male relationship a few days ago, and this is actually something I'm a bit concerned about, myself... hotb0ds advice makes a lot of sense, of course, but it really only makes my head go right back in circles again... "When WILL I find the right person?" "Will I EVER find the right person?" etc etc.

soreknees, could you go more in-depth about what you mean by internalized homophobia? It sounds fascinating, real shrink-level stuff hehe. I don't know if it applies to me, but I'm certainly curious, as I spent a lot of years feeling ashamed about my homosexual desires. And I'm pretty sure, to some degree, I still do...

EDIT: OK, not ashamed about my desires, but more so about my encounters. It's not a conscious thing, of course -- I don't mind admitting anything but depending who I tell about it (straight friends and parents), I get this terribly uneasy feeling in the pit of my tummy... but I still tell'm.

 

[TX-Beau]

Internalized homophobia - thinking about it doesn't make you gay. You aren't gay until you have a cock in your mouth. It's very very important not to be labeled gay. It becomes imperative to find a way to justify that cock in your mouth:

...I don't "do" labels...

...I was drunk and don't remember...

...I was drunk and it was the beer...

...It was only and experiment...

...I don't want to date a guy...

...I'm really bi, men are for fucking, women are for relationships...

Or the ever popular post fuck freak out. Fucking fag lured you into it.

Internalized homophobia, the crime is not the thought, the crime is the action. Because of course ALL STRAIGHT MEN think about cock (yeah, right, whatever there closet guy.)

 

[alli-berri]

Gotchagotchagotcha, thanx for that nice breakdown. Sounds like it's neither my nor the OP's problem, though -- but of course I can only really speak for myself.

Hmm... yuengling's concern seems more rooted in settling on a "label" -- gay, straight or bi -- rather than denying/justifying what's going on between him and others' cocks.

Internalized homophobia is usually more of a conscious thing, right? Seems to me like he's pretty open to THINKING that he's gay, but is hesitant to settle on only men when he's not sure if that's what his BODY wants to do.

I say just go to what gets you off, and if s/he makes you emotionally happy too, then you just may have found someone you could date.

 

[yuengling]

I mostly got confused because as the relationship with my boyfriend was disintegrating I started hanging out with this girl and I began to develop strong feelings for her. It turned out later she had a boyfriend and that really broke my heart way more than when me an my boyfriend broke up. That series of events really confused me.
There's just a lot of problems going on because I work for my family and live in a small town which is going to make it difficult for me cause I feel like I'll eventually need to move to live comfortably but I'd hate to leave my hometown..

 

[KaraBulut]

There are a lot of reasons why people date. However, it seems that you're looking for something that dating can't provide you.

 

[rareboy]

There's just a lot of problems going on because I work for my family and live in a small town which is going to make it difficult for me cause I feel like I'll eventually need to move to live comfortably but I'd hate to leave my hometown..

Are you sure that your disassociation from the guys you're dating doesn't have more to do with this than whether you're a homo?

 

[yuengling]

probably. its tough to live in this town with any privacy. I'm cool with dating some guys but I don't think there's a way to have a decent relationship without being outed. if I go to a gay bar I'll run into somebody that knows my family or friends. I would just like to feel this situation out without everyone knowing right away.
-- I don't know if anyone has any advice in this situation on where to meet folks other than gay bars or if I should just move away for a year and live in a larger town with anonymity.... it seems like an extreme measure to move.

 

[Delphi124]

Long time reader, first time poster.

This thread really caught my attention since almost the same thing has happened to me in the last few months. I had finally "come to terms" with being gay, started dating some guys, and was surprised to find the the relationships really weren't that much better than the ones I had with girls earlier on. Very confusing and troubling. If I am going to risk complete alienation from my family and friends, I want there to be a good reason, and based on the relationships I have had up to now, I don't know if it is worth it.

 

[bankside]

If you are getting into relationships with women that are not satisfactory, and relationships with men that are at best just okay, you're picking the wrong people.

You can find someone who has attractive characteristics and still not choose to date him. There are a lot of men who have something about them that catches my attention, but that alone isn't enough for me to have thought "Oh, I should date this guy..."

Most people are not compatible with each other for a relationship, and waiting for the right one makes a huge difference.