Dating a guy with hiv?

[clemme]

First off all hi to all you JUB'ers! I've been pleased reading along for quite some years, but never really participated in the discussions. But maybe you have some advice for a situation, that I'me not sure how to tackle at the moment...

I know that in the end I've got to sort out this dilemma by myself, but I'm still just trying to wrap my head around it.

So I've met this guy (he's 22, i'm 26) about a month ago, while doing some volunteering work. After a weekend with a lot of work and some partying, we ended hooking up having mutual (unprotected) oral (through he did not want to cum at the end, which kind of made me wonder) and me topping him (protected).

The next day we just spend together talking, cuddling, having brunch with a couple of friends and enjoying the company of each other, before he unfortunately had go back to his city (which is about four hours away). We decided that we should give it a chance, and that I should visit him the following weekend. Two days later he then texts me, telling me that he has something he has go get of his chest, before we go any further - that he has HIV.

Having never really been confronted that close with the thought of HIV I of course was a bit stunned and freaked out, as I think he should have told me before. (I'm off course going to get tested next week(=4 weeks after), even though I know the risk from oral is small).

Well even though I was mad at first for him not telling, I decided to visit him the week after, as we agreed. The weekend was great and I've really enjoyed his company and hanging out with him and his friends (who told me that he's a great guy). We talked a bit about his hiv, how he got it, and that he's still struggling accepting it and the consequenses. I told him, that I do not really know yet how to wrap my head around, but that I really enjoyed his company. At some point we also ended up in bed again (protected of course), but when he was about to top me I kind of hesitated (could not get my mind off the hiv-thing) and told him I could not go through with it, which he accepted.

I ended up going home after a very good weekend, still feeling to want to get to know him better (and him me i guess), but now I dont know how to continue, and if i will ever be able cope with the fear in my head.

So du anyone have some perspective on a situation like this, or should I just take the "easy" way out and brake it off (even though my stomach tells me I really like this guy)?

 

[anchihiro]

He should have told you before having sex the first time.

 

[bankside]

Should you take the easy way out?

He did.

Nothing he could ever say would be enough for me to get over that.

 

[JFarm89]

well to get over that fear if you do have it. If he very much loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of your life and the same goes for you. There's nothing better than death by love in bed. Enjoy life every day, as if it is the last. Dying during sex, best death ever. We're all gonna die someday. So think of love and positive things. Don't get into drugs or anything to escape or fight or get depressed that you have HIV because you know that you have to live through with it everyday, unless if there is a cure which there is but the government bastards won't tell us anything, since the pharma industry makes big bucks off from patients who buy drugs and other things. In fact there's lots of people that have HIV. You'd just have to accept that death may come earlier than expected, so if your partner dies. You might as well find another guy that has HIV as well, and will love you just as much, as your other partner did. Or you don't have to find another guy that has HIV. You can visit his grave all the time, write and burn love notes and sprinkle the message on his grave. He'll watch over ya. Maybe he'll even sneak into bed with you as a ghost and start jerking you off, until you cum all over his ghostly body. hehe

 

[Just_Believe18]

You have a right to know before any sex is done to know if the guy is positive or not. It was a serious mistake on his part, but that's something you can't omit. The only way I'd forgive him is if I didn't have that discussion before the clothes came off. Did you tell him you were clean and negative? Did he reply about his status at all? If you didn't give him a chance to be honest, perhaps he deserves that chance now.

That being said, you can date a guy with HIV. It's possible to do it and be safe. You can't get it from oral sex because the virus cannot survive from the saliva and bacteria from the human mouth.

As long as you wear a condom when you top him, you should be fine too. If you're cut, you're even safer.

However, to think about this in the long term, you can never bareback him and expect to remain negative forever. There is also a higher risk if you bottom and he wears a condom if you decide not to top.

It's up to you.

 

[wooffy]

So du anyone have some perspective on a situation like this, or should I just take the "easy" way out and brake it off (even though my stomach tells me I really like this guy)?

In relationships, go with the gut/heart - the brain just screws things up.

Since I came out at 19, almost 20 years ago (yikes!) I have know people who are HIV+, and some with AIDS. I've had lovers who where pos, and the only reason I'm not dating one right now is that he turned me down.

At one end of the scale, I know many men who are HIV+ with a low or undetectable viral load, healthier and in better shape than I am. At the other end, I know a guy who is going blind, had one foot amputated at the knee a year ago and just had the other foot amputated at the ankle in January - all due to AIDS. (He now has prosthetic feet and can walk around for short distances with canes, I admire his spirit.)

I appreciate it when a guy tells me he is HIV+, but I also understand how difficult that can be, particularly after just finding out. Put yourself in his position - you meet a hot guy, you really get along, that little voice in the back of your head tells you there is potential there, you dare to hope - but you face rejection when you tell him. I'm not saying it is right to hide your HIV status, but I am saying I understand. (Of course, with HIV criminalization in Canada right now disclosing is about more than ethics, failure to do so can result in criminal charges.)

Whatever you do, don't be a jerk. If you decide you can't date him, tell him honestly and openly.

 

[KaraBulut]

Should he have told you? Yes.

The question for you is whether it would have changed anything.

Would he still be a nice guy? Yes.

Would you still be attracted to him? Yes.

Would you have had sex with him? Uncertain but in the end, you did have sex with after you knew.

The big question is whether he's on antiretroviral treatment for his HIV. If he is, chances are his viral load is low and he will remain healthy for a long time. And as long as you play safe, chances are that you will remain healthy, too.

 

[ryan2010]

I agree with wooffy and KaraBulut. I've never been in the same situation, but think about having that burden of telling everyone about your HIV. I think the important thing is that he told you before things got serious. And if he seems like a nice guy, I'd go for it. Maybe, if you still have qualms, you should just hold of on the sex, but in the end I usually go with my gut feeling if it's not too much against logic. He sounds like a great guy though, good luck!

 

[mbamike]

It sounds as if you really like this guy. Just because he has HIV is no reason to not give the relationship a chance.

 

[billybob109]

I can not even begin to believe that he would even do oral sex with another person knowing that he is positive. The pre cum alone could of made you positive. I would never speak to him again and he an expensive Sti test done every month and limit your sexual encounters until Yo know that you are clean.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I can not even begin to believe that he would even do oral sex with another person knowing that he is positive. The pre cum alone could of made you positive. I would never speak to him again and he an expensive Sti test done every month and limit your sexual encounters until Yo know that you are clean.

Wrong! You cannot get positive by having an HIV+ dick in your mouth. You can even swallow the load and the virus will not absorb into your esophagus. There has never been a definitive case of anyone becoming infected via oral sex. Any few reported cases that have made that claim, have been largely disputed.

The mouth and throat is coated with saliva and bacteria that is hostile towards HIV. The virus dies within moments once it's ejaculated into the mouth. You cannot get HIV from ingestion, only from the ass/vagina.

 

[KaraBulut]

Wrong! You cannot get positive by having an HIV+ dick in your mouth. You can even swallow the load and the virus will not absorb into your esophagus. There has never been a definitive case of anyone becoming infected via oral sex. Any few reported cases that have made that claim, have been largely disputed.

The mouth and throat is coated with saliva and bacteria that is hostile towards HIV. The virus dies within moments once it's ejaculated into the mouth. You cannot get HIV from ingestion, only from the ass/vagina.

Well, we're not in H&W here but there's some clarification needed.

We know that the risk of HIV transmission for the person giving the blowjob is low. But we have a lot of studies that can't really pinpoint the how the person was infected because people engage in lots of different sex acts, so it's hard to know which one transmitted the virus.

But we do have cases (less than 50) that are documented in studies where the only possible mode of transmission was receptive oral sex. And there are animal studies that have confirmed glandular tissue such as the tonsils and open lesions in the mouth/throat as possible means of transmission.

Currently, studies are estimating that anywhere from 1-15% of HIV infections are transmitted orally which is a pretty broad and unspecific range. It is most certainly a low number in the overall picture.

In general, HIV is a difficult virus to contract because- as you said- it doesn't survive very long under adverse conditions. This means that not every exposure of any type will result in an infection. But it is accurate to say that the majority of transmissions are linked to unprotected receptive anal sex but there are some transmissions that may be occuring through receptive oral sex and probably anal sex is about 6-10 times more likely to result in an HIV infection than oral sex but these were not controlled studies and the data is not completely reliable. One expert at a conference I attended estimated the risk of infection to be about 1 in every 2500 receptive oral sex exposures, which is a very low risk.

And of course, as with all these things the risk increases exponentially when there are multiple partners, multiple exposures or high risk activity.


http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/InSite?page=pr-rr-05&doc=pr-rr-05-01

 

[billybob109]

^^^^^^
Yes if there is an open wound in the mouth and or even on your hand and somehow the chance of swapping blood does happen that person would be in grave danger. there is no excuse to hookup with someone and than tell them afterwards that they are positive. If anything charges should be brought up upon that person

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

I say absolutely - you should date him, his lack of good judgment notwithstanding. Our positively charged brothers and sisters have to live their lives with the heavy burden of shame and guilt. It can drive folks into a life of depression, loneliness and despair. What they need is understanding, a hug, a touch, some love - not righteous indignation. Surely not a threat of prosecution and jail time! Same sex encounters should always assume a partner is positive unless proven otherwise.

I see he talked a bit about his status, but I think you and he need to talk a lot more about how he is stuggling with his acceptance of his status, and how he copes (or not coping) with this before you settle on top/bottom status in bed. Communication will help lessen your fears. Check out The Body for magnetic couples for safe sex tips.

If he is as good a guy as you and his friends say he is, I say trust your gut and go for it. Good luck!

 

[MrBubulino]

I think he didn't tell you because he didn't want to scare you away. At least he was cautious enough to avoid cumming into your mouth and he was honest with you a few days later... c'mon, it's not like it's been several years.

You can always use condoms and HIV doesn't stop you from sharing a normal relationship with him. You just have to protect yourself and of course, sex is limited because of that.

But if you really like him, you shouldn't cross him out just because of a disease. You have to take precautions and that's it.

 

[slnattak]

He should have told you. If he really cared about you, then he would have told you. That sounds pretty selfish and rotten of him, to be honest. I dated a guy with HIV and he told me right off the bat he was.

I also think it's illegal for him to do what he did.

You don't want to be in a relationship with somebody, where you do all the work, where you give your heart and he didn't give his. And yes, he didn't give you his heart when he didn't tell you about his status. He just was thinking with his hormones. He wanted to fuck you, not be in a relationship with you.

If you like him, that's fine- but to be in an actual relationship with him of course, he has to like you back. It just sounds like he was being uberly selfish and uncaring of other people's feelings. A lot of hiv+ gay men whine and feel sorry for themselves, that 'other men are picking on them cause of their status.' But in this case, he is soooo not the victim.